New to forum- we need help.. please!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Angel-In-Need, May 11, 2008.

  1. Angel-In-Need

    Angel-In-Need New Member

    :mad:Hi there,ok firstly iam writing this on behalf of my mother right now, as she is walking around the house in a state of emotional distress. We are all a our wits ends and justneed help.

    My brother, is and has been tearing this family apart for over 2-3 years now. My mother, here on mothers day2008, is just beside herself, as my brother has once again does what he atm does best, caused intense grief.

    I will give some facts, andbackground.

    Ok, so he is 21, turning 22 this year. Has a girlfriend, and a son aged 14 months.

    My brother is going through some major emototional issues, it has been brewing for years, oh god years. And without any of us knowing he turned to marijuana. And did so foryears.

    Ok so i ont quiteknow what to say, as i just a trying to reac out for mum, sheneeds some help. she needs some help from other prarent who hve been here. Who can if not give her advce atleastgive her somewhere to vent.

    She is feeling she is responsible, and athough there may be tiny truth, as we all have a part to play in any relationship we are in, she has raised 3 other healthy children who are a functioning part society, and THAT says alot.

    So please, could someone help her.

    She will take ver from here hopefuly, but i just needed to do something for her, as i cant stand to see her hurting anymore and not know how to help.

    We are all at a loss as to what to do, and things just keep gettingworse.

    Im sorry if im all over theplace, after his blow up an hour ago, my head is just a little scattered. This is affecting us all.

    Thanks you all in advance.

  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Whether she's responsible or not really isn't relevant now. If she's got the guilts it will only slow down her thinking instead of helping her find a way to cope. And as you said - she got it right for three of you, so it sounds like she's a good mother.

    Rebecca, it's likely that he uses attack as a way of deflecting personal responsibility away from himself. He's probably very good at trying to make other people feel bad (or guilty) so he can sidestep the issues.

    However, you can't make him face what he refuses to deal with. He won't get help while other people either enable him or make excuses for him. Even after you cut him loose, he will have to make the decisions for himself, as to what to do.

    You can love someone, but still want them out of your pockets and living independently.

    We can help. Also, if you post over on Teens & Substance Abuse, you might get more specific responses from other parents who have been or are still struggling with the same issues.

    Good for you for being a considerate daughter and for being able to think laterally at a time like this. Two heads are better than one.

    Stick around. You and your mum. Let us know how you get on.

  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Your mom is so fortunate to have you by her side. A 21 yr old blow out does sound dangerous - is your mom strong enough to tell him to leave? He is old enough to stay away until he can calm down. How many are in the home with mom? She needs as much help as she can get right now. Don't let he be alone with him until he can start showing respect. He knows she is his emotional anchor and as long as he can feed off her, he will just continue as is.

    Do not hesitate to call police next time he blows. It is for his safety also - they can take him to ER which can evaluate him for mental health treatment

    You keep yourself and mom and everyone else in the house safe. You call in help to keep your brother safe.

    Come here to write your experiences - Marguerite is 100% right about the teens & substance abuse area. Even though he is no longer a teen, that is where the substance abuse issues are discussed. There is also an are for those with kids over 18 years old - Don't forget to visit the watercooler and health links for yourself.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would post this on Parent Emeritus. That's where the parents of adult children post (and they are so wise) :) Your brother is too old to be your mother's problem anymore, but more about that on THAT forum. From my experience with a child who "smoked pot"--if they are getting into lots and lots of trouble, they are usually doing a lot more than smoking pot. At any rate, if he's screwing up, he should be out on his own.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dear Rebecca,

    You are a wonderful daughter to care so much about your family and try to get them help. Thhis is going to be a process and will not happen overnight. Your Mom needs help undertsanding that she did not make your brother smoke pot, nothing that she did in her parenting caused your brother to smoke pot. He made that choice himself and he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for own actions. This will not be easy for your Mom because she is use to trying to make things better and assuming responsibility for his behavior.

    My first suggestion is to try to get your mom to Alanon. You can go with her, it will help both of you. Start helping her build supports around herself that will enable her to stop accepting responsibility or guilt for your brother's action out. Eventually she will need to ask him to leave, live on his own, make his own mistakes and own up to them. It may get worse for him before it gets better and that is where you mom will have a tough time, but that's where Alanon helps. It would also help to get some books for you and your mom to read on the subject.

    Drug use rips families apart and it destroys relationships. He needs help. But he is 21 and can't be forced into treatment. Your family can do its part by not rescuing him or allowing his blow ups to affect your life. Your mom needs to get a backbone and not allow him to walk all over her anymore. But before she can do that she needs to build herself up, get help from peoplewho have been there.

    I grew up with an alcoholic father. Iknow the grief and chaos that caused in our lives. I was bound and determined to never again live like that. My daughter is almost 17 and has been experimenting with pot and alcohol. I suspect she will have an addiction problem at some point in her life. But I have told her that when she is 18 she must find a place of her own to live unless she is clean and following the rules. I fully expect to follow through on that, I just simply won't live like that again. I will never stop loving her but I will not enable her. That is where you mom needs to get.

    Hugs to you and your mom on this mother's day. Hopefully this is the last mother's day will be the first day of a new life for you mom without chaos.

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Rebecca, what a sweet, caring daughter you are.
    I am so sorry about your brother. I am wondering why he's still living at home. I'd forget the feelings of failure at this point and get him out of the house with-his wife and child. That is too much for your mom.
    I agree that you can go with-your mom to Alanon or other support groups. Take care of yourselves.
    Your brother sounds like he has some serious mental issues going on and is self-medicating with-the marijuana.
    I hope to see you and your mom here in the future. It's a GREAT group.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome-you really are a wonderful daughter to seek out help for your mom. Tell her you have found the right place-she is alone no longer. Hugs.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope your mom will write us when she has calmed down enough to talk about her concerns.
  9. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    Welcome Rebecca and Mom,

    We are here to listen and help you in any way. You have found a great great group of people who understand what you are going through.
  10. Angel-In-Need

    Angel-In-Need New Member

    Thank you for your replys.

    Mum still isnt in a place to look here. As she said tonight when i got home from work, he totally disempowered her last night and it sucked all she had.

    He is just not logical right now. he is blaming all of us for everything that is wrong in his life, he is just so angry, and blows up at the slightest thing. The whole family is on tender hooks.

    In this house there is my mum, her fiance, and my two younger brother who are 12 and 14. This is effecting them alot, as he just goes off at them swearing, and calling them for everything. He even hurt my 14 year old brother physically by snatching the guitar from his hands the other morning, not meaning too id say but he did. It was all swollen and bruised. I know he has pushed and been physical with his girlfriend once. Very regretful, as they always are. Last night in his fit of rage he said he would move out, but there doesnt sem to be much moving.

    My mum isnt strong enough to kick him out, we talked about this last night, and we all agreed he needs to go. The stress he is putting on everyone. I mean my husband and my two children who are 3 and almost one years old, are here alot, and we are greatly affected.

    It is so hard to talk to mum too at times, she is just so lost in this and doesnt know where too turn too? What is this alnon you mention?? I am in Australia too, i have noticed some of you use the spelling MOM for mum, does this mean you guys are in the US?

    Ahhhhh this is horrible. I sat staring at his picture last night just wondering where he has gone? what happened?

    I feel guilty as he says it is my fault too as i left when i was a teenager. Yes, i left but i was only doing what we are all to do as we grow. I went off and lived my life. Worked, travelled, found my best friend and life partner and had 2 kids. Golly i grew up in the same house he did, yes it wasnt easy, at times it was damn hard BUT..... i truly believe it is all in the decisions we make there on. Know what I mean??

    I had the same offers of drugs/smokes/drink and so on, yet i said no. As cleshe as that sounds i did. I wanted more from my life.

    ahhh sighs, im just rambling .

    Ill maybe post in the other section when i can. Between work, kids and this brother issue time is short.

    Thank you again everyone. im glad i found it here. Now to just get mum here.....
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, we're in the US, except for Marguerite, who lives in Sydney. She may be able to help you find drug/alcohol support groups and knows your terminology.
    Is there a way you can get your mum out of the house for a few hrs ea day? To shop, walk around the block, go to the library? She needs her space and it will help her focus.
    Take care.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Terry's got a good point. Gentle exercise, even though you don't feel like it, is really good for stress, for depression, for clearing your head. I must admit, there are times when my easy child 2/difficult child 2 is throwing another tantrum, I am tempted to take myself out of the house and away from her, just to get a breather. I've done this a few times but mostly she quiets down before I reach the door. But then, she doesn't get physical with anyone.

    Serious suggestion - to get the low-down on what organisations in your area could help, or maybe just to talk and find out where things are likely to go from here, you could make a few phone calls. You could call, or your mother could.
    If she's at the end of her tether and just wanting to cry on someone's shoulder (as well as maybe get some helpful advice) Lifeline is good. Lifeline Sydney is 131 114.

    Wayside Chapel Crisis team - 9358 6577 (Sydney)

    Al-Anon - for a location near you (not sure which state).

    There is also Narc-Anon for family members of drug users. Al-Anon will help you find them.

    Al-Anon are an organisation for the friends and relatives of alcoholics - you can go along even if the alcoholic in your family reckons there's no problem. They give you some really useful support and understanding, they help you to detach and not take it so personally. They also help you to see that until you let your brother fail on his own, he will never get the help he needs.

    My eldest sister went through this - she kept bailing her son out of trouble, went to court for him, reimbursed people he stole from, paid for solicitors etc for several years until she had run out of money. Each time he was contrite, apologetic, making vast promises that he couldn't keep. And they would be back again a few months later.

    He finally had to do jail time, big time, for accumulated crimes, all drug-related. Maybe if she had let him fall when he was younger he might have learned his lesson without having to go to an adult jail. But who knows? She was trying to compensate for a ratbag ex-husband who had always treated this boy like dirt.

    She went through a rough patch with him when she went to collect his oldest son for a visit, soon after his current girlfriend had a baby. Something had upset him (probably her refusal to give them more money) and he shouted at her, "You'll never see me or your grandchildren again!"
    He wasn't above using anything, even his own kids, to get drug money.

    She remarried a few years ago. We'd not seen him or heard of him in years, and he made contact with her a week before the wedding. He showed up, with his oldest son. We all talked. He has been trying to live right and seems to have put all his jail time behind him. He looked almost as old as the groom, certainly much older than his older cousins and brothers. Sadder but wiser. He is still in touch with his mother, there have been no demands for money, but he will never be able to work because he's fried his brain over the years.

    Next time your brother says he will move out, I'd be helping him pack. It might shock him into realising how much he is hurting people. But in the meantime - keep valuables, especially money, locked away securely. This is really bad for your brothers to be around. Don't think it will put them off drug use, seeing what it's done to their big brother - you would think it would, but it doesn't. What they need to see, is this being handled in a way to keep them safe and to not enable the person who is the problem.

    He needs to leave. If he's holding some sort of emotional blackmail over your mother (such as the baby) then your mother has to get tough (not easy, when he's ground her down so thoroughly). Your mother can call DOCS if she needs to, to keep the baby safe from the father, if he is likely to be a threat. Or she could call Centrelink, if there's a chance he's abusing any payments. And considering how easy it is to do that, chances are they'd find something!

    My thinking cap is on. But the first mob you call, ask them for other referrals, for anyone they think you should be speaking to. Even your local hospital's mental health unit could be worth a try.

    I hope this helps.