About other kids being mean - ALL kids at 10 reckon all the other kids are mean. And sometimes they are. I used to find that other kids were the most accurate observers. difficult child 3 was having a far worse time of it than his teachers would admit to me. Even his aide, who was a lovely lady very much on difficult child 3's side, was 'muzzled' by the school and has STILL not told me what was going on, although I believe she's talked to others in broad terms. Sometimes the teachers don't see what is happening; sometimes they choose to not see; sometimes they live by the belief that if they leave t he kids to sort it our for themselves that it s the best option of all. And it's not.
Kids have it drummed into them pretty solidly that they have to be in school and follow the rules. A kid taking himself out of that, especially if you suspect Asperger's, is highly likely to be a bullied kid. Even if it's just his perception, his feelings are very real and he's trying to save himself from the incredible burden of emotional pain and anxiety.
When we forced difficult child 3 to stay in school, instead of walking away from confrontation he began to hit the other kids. He was punished for this. We later have been finding out that a lot of his hitting was self-defence or retaliation. We were telling him one set of rules but exposing him to an environment which taught a conflicting set.
If you think he is Aspie, bear in mind that Aspies are not good at lying. They will try to say, "I didn't do it" when they did, but they're really not good at sustaining an alternate version of events. He may not be getting picked on, but in his mind he is. There are things that can be done - Sixth Sense program, for example. It can be a good start.
One of the first things you need to do is sit down and make a list - what is he good at? What does he need help with? What can he simply not help? Then follow through the logic of these lists - what does this mean for him? How will someone like this react in Situation A? B? Compare your theoretical extrapolation to the observed reality - how close are you? If you're still missing the mark there are other factors you haven't noted down. Dig and find them.
You are the person most in touch with your child's problems and abilities. Use the latter to help the former. I know there should be experts to do this for you, but they're generally not as effective as you can be. And from the sound of things, far more effective than his father is likely to be.
Go back and touch base with your aims for your son - what other ways can you use to get him to be a happy, functioning, independent adult? Current placement and management is a big struggle for you AND your son. probably for the school as well. can this be rectified? Or can you stop beating heads against walls and find a workable alternative?
It shouldn't have to be this hard. It's not fair on you, or your son. There must be an easier way - it's a matter of working out his needs then hunting around to find a way of meeting those needs as easily as possible.
I wish I could be more specific, but I'm too unfamiliar with your systems. If you were in Australia I know what I'd recommend. And I'M still learning, too!
Marg
