A Mom (with no kids...)

[Chasejazz]

This is very hard to write, but here goes.... I have three kids, OB Oldest Boy, MG Middle Girl and YB Youngest Boy. They are 35, 38 and 39. I am 58. None of my kids talk to me. Please don't judge because I would turn into a puddle, right here right now. My first husband was a womanizing loser. He fathered OB and MG. He died when the kids were 9 and 10 under suspicious circumstances. They only saw him 3 or 4 times as he lived cross country. I left him when I was pregnant w MG.
My second husband and I are divorced x2, for a total of 29yrs marriage and we had YB.
Second husband was the only father the oldest kids really knew. Unfortunately, he and I broke many times during their childhood. He had a temper (yelled), worked too much, was financially irresponsible but had a good job so we didn't go without.
The kids now.
OB is homeless. I had to throw him out in May. He was disrespectful and super controlling, and I suspect mad that his stepdad has been coming over to visit me for the past six months even though we've only been divorced again for a year. There are serious jealousy issues between OB and his stepdad.
MG has been absent from the family since 2012. She was in the military for 10 years and kept minimal contact as it was. She married 5 yrs ago, inviting her brothers to her wedding, but not me or her stepdad. (He raised my oldest two. They were 1 and 3 when we first married.) One day, in 2013ish, she told me she took a DNA test and then mailed kits for me and her siblings to take. We were not keen on the idea. No reason, just not. I later find out on a social network that her DNA kit said she was 1/8 Black and she was furious! I tried to reach out to her, but she blocked me. I was adopted, which my kids all knew and had little to no info on my birth parents. My bio mother was Irish Catholic and my bio father was Northern European and some Native American. This is all Catholic Charities told my adoptive parents.
My first husband *her bio dad* was white(or so I thought) but his family name is Portuguese. So though I don't know much about these internet DNA tests and their accuracy but I do have a wonderful adoptive family, and had no desire to look into the past I never had. My daughter, on the other hand, has resumed life and calls her friend's family Mom and Dad, has dropped all contact. In 2013, after a back and forth she said we were not her family anymore. And then she sent those wedding invitations. It's maddening. Needless to say, no one attended....
Question. Am I supposed to give her my saliva so she can track down her "Black" genes? What does she want from me?
YB went went underground a couple years ago. He holds a good job, makes a lot of money, drives a nice car, but like his Dad, he out-debts his income. He's a slave to working, to none other. YB and I have been out of touch for over 2 years.
My ex-husband rarely hears from him and at 70 years old, has many regrets of never being there for family. But when can you do? He was a good provider, a notsogood Dad. He admits that and has OPENLY APOLOGIZED years ago, to all three kids.
So....back to OB. I know he will claim he was the scapegoat of the house. He will tell you he "did everything" growing up. That bc my husband was "never there", always working or sleeping, that HE had to pull up the slack w brother and sister. It wears me down. As I said, he is never wrong. He has an opinion, and is right about everything, so he thinks. He will rant for hours until he has himself in tears or yelling, over these same childhood issues. How he hates YB because he's a bigshot A-hole w a fancy car. How MG is a hipocrate and he hates her too. (They were extremely close as children.) The day I told OB he had to leave, I nearly had to call the police. He was ranting and muttering, screaming. Crying. He owns no less then 8 guns, and I felt if the police had come, even just to calm OB down, it would ended up on the evening news. Bad. My instinct was to let him pile his stuff into his car and just go, as "calmly" as possible. As if that were possible, but after several hours, off he went. OB has moved in and out since he was 20. He has a disability, but manages to work here and there and has a trade. MG has a PHD and has moved home off and on until the military stepped in. YB moved back in after a year in the military, where he was discharged with possible bi-polar disorder.
Before I found this site, I read so many articles about all these adult kids that disown their families. "Toxic families". I never heard of that term. Now it's glued to my brain.
I was a good mother. I spent my first 5 years as an orphan, before I was adopted and I was a teen bride and mom. But I finished high school got good grades etc. I worked. I went to community college when my kids were small. The kids did scouts, horse back riding, summer camp, sports. I volunteered at school and ran the house plus had a step son part time from my hubby's first marriage. And obviously, my marriages were not great. But does that qualify as toxic? I am so tired of beating myself up. Especially since OB is now living in his car, having run out of couches to surf. I know he has issues. We all do. I am wondering with him if there is drug use...I don't know. I cried for three days straight when he drove off, but I was losing my mind! He HAD to go. He took things, pawned them, he lied. He kept rehashing the past. Over and OVER again, some of which never even happened! His girlfriend threw him out 10 months beforehand, which is how he ended up BACK here with me. Again.
He was coming in at all hours. Sleeping all day. Never talked to me. Nothing. Just walked by me, never offering to help out at all. (I am on oxygen for heart failure at 58 years old.)
He would sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes for hours. Leave. Never say goodbye. Never eat. Sleep. Repeat. Except for the occasional sermon/rant, he was invisible and disinterested. He used to be a good, well-liked guy coming up. Or so I thought.
So, I am a Mom w no kids. And as I said, I've hesitated to reach out because these internet forums on estranged adult children inevitably say the parents and/or family is toxic and the kids should move on, adopt new friends and family and seek their happiness....
I don't get it. The kids have always been kind and respectful to my husband. He bought them gifts, cars, paid for private schooling and college, etc. No wonder!
I feel my whole life has been a waste. I poured my eternal soul into my family. And as I type this, my ex husband is the only one who sticks around. He keeps hoping... And my parents who are cross country, and have been married 64 years. It's so sad. I have given in to the fact that I may die of a broken heart.
P.S. No grandkids (that I know of).
No alcohol abuse. No drugs.
Feel free to ask questions. I am raw. Please please be kind as you can but I will take any suggestions. Thanks.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Chasejazz

Welcome. I will reply briefly. It's only my own point of view.

I struggle with many of the feelings (and circumstances) that you share. I have felt a failure as a mother, and a failure as a sister and a daughter.

These are feelings. Not facts.

Everybody has a story. Your children in time (sooner or later) will learn how hard is life. They will learn (in time) how hard it is to parent. They may or may not find heart for you. We, you and I, did the best we could at the time. The acceptance we need, comes from us. Not anybody else.

I was hard on my own mother who died 6 years ago. We reconciled 20 years before her death, but oh how I wish I had had more time with her. Life is a cruel teacher.

First of all, your kids stories are only beginning to be written. Your relationships with them are likely to turn around, as did my own with my mother. Your kids will change and mature. Those who are floundering may well turn things around.

But the thing is, we are left with ourselves. To find and make lives with meaning. To turn our energies and our attention to mending ourselves. Finding wholeness. People do this regardless of their circumstances, or health, or money. They do it by seeking activities and purpose and people, who affirm them. They pray. They meditate. They do art. All kinds of things.

I know slightly a man who works at the library. He volunteers. He's about 85 or 86. About every.single.thing in his life, this man is thrilled. He believes he aced everything in life. It's his outlook. He is not a braggart. What he is, is an optimist. He is positive. He spent half an hour telling me about his puzzle room. His stamp collection. His massive library. Not only in his living room. But he built what he calls an auxiliary room. He plays bridge. He travels. I don't think he ever had children. And I doubt he married. He spends his life doing things that are fun and interesting to him. He is thrilled with his life. He is now a model for me.

I don't think change for you will come from any change of mind of your children. Which is not to say that they won't change how they feel and treat you. But that won't change how you feel about yourself. Not really. Real and true value comes from within. With a change of mind and outlook. You may think I am foolish. But I am not. Your kids have their lives now. They are free to think or believe whatever they choose about you and any other thing. And you are free to let them. And to let it go.

it sounds that at least a couple of your children are toxic to be around. At least for you. Why not stop seeking something that is not there? What do they have to offer to you? It sounds like not much. Let them be. Love them from afar. But decide to love yourself. And to accept yourself. Try. Who cares what they think or say? It's you that matters, now. What we give to ourselves and to others, with an open heart, is what counts, now.

 

[Chasejazz]

Thank you for your kindness. No one has said anything like that to me before. I will hopefully get some sleep tonight.

 

[BusynMember1]

I have one kid like yours. We did all we could for her and have of lately moved on. Our kids don't define us. We do.

I have seen this toxic parent stuff too and I think it pushes many people to disown family. It is accepted. It is too bad.

My husband and I have decided to be with the friends and family who love us and treat us well. We love our daughter, but we liove others too. We have two other kids, other relatives and friends who act like family. They are our family.

Your kids are in their 30s and should have.no expectation of living with you and trying to force you to take a DNA test is abusive AND racist. I did much for my daughter. Too much. But a DNA test would have been absolutely a NO. I love people of all races and creeds and would not play into this with Kay.

I know how it is with kids like this. My best advice is to get therapy, move on, and enjoy life without your negative children.

Yes, its hard, but it doesn't seem they give you any joy or pleasure. Give them to God. Rediscover yourself. You are free now. I feel for you and hope you can see that you are a good person and don't need to continue being abused. Find hobbies and other passions and hang out with nice people. Let your kids treat you nice or let them live their own nasty lives. Please be good to YOU and GET THERAPY. Much love from me.

Give your kids to God. Take care of yourself first.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

I agree with Copa and Buy. You owe them nothing. This is on them.

Go to therapy to deal with your feelings of abandonment. You have the tools and a good therapy will show you how to access them.

I have found my faith going through what I did with my own son. God will never let you down. Put your trust in him.

 

[Chasejazz]

Thanks for the advice. Actually, I started therapy a few years ago, after my divorce. I joined Planet Fitness to get out of the house and stay healthy.
I am hearing a resounding message that I have come to recognize as a truth. I do have abandonment issues, and sad to say, I think as the kids got older they played into that.
I also believe the DNA issue with my daughter IS very rascist on her part, since I could not have known my ethnic origins due to my adoption (assuming I DO have Black ancestry) and her bio father was born overseas, so it may well be on his family's side for all I know. But I say, who cares? Why is that such an issue? A deal breaker of life itself? I just don't know.
Also, you are both right. They are not children. They are very spoiled and selfish, entitled adults who became mean and calculating once we cut the purse strings, paid off their debts and told them that the door swings one way.
I am seeing my therapist this coming Wednesday. He suggested a long time back the same things that am hearing here...that I owe my kids nothing. That they would take and take as long as I kept giving and it was his opinion, that this was their only true connection to me and my ex.
As time has shown, he's right.
OB came by once, asking to shower, after living in his car for a month. He was upset that "his" room had been turned into a study.
Very little conversation.
I made him a quick meal before he left and haven't heard from him since. I assume he's okay. I pray he is, since he's never been homeless before. But I am so done with all of this.
Thanks to forums like this one, I can gain the perspective of other parents. I've been reading threads for a month now trying to get up the courage to write.
I am so tired of feeling judged and I believe, as was said, that we do our best with what we have to work with.
Taking care of *just me* is still fairly uncharted territory, but I'm hanging in there. Thanks for the responses.

 

[Copabanana]

(assuming I DO have Black ancestry)

I'm with you. I think this is among the most ridiculous complaints I've heard here on this forum, of an adult child. There is a mother posting here whose daughter blames her mother's genes for her son's autism. Really?

I find this whole ancestral issue interesting. My own son (adopted, and bi-racial) tells me repeatedly that I am not really Jewish genetically, because in his (dumb) view only Sephardic Jews (not Ashkenazi) directly from Middle Eastern regions, are truly Jewish. Give me a break. Who cares?

But the thing I wanted to say that is interesting, is that Portuguese ethnicity has genetic ties to North Africa. Consequently it is hardly surprising that somebody of Portuguese descent would have African and Semitic genetic markers. If it were me I would be happy and proud. I would wish for this heritage.

Please, please, please let this one go.

 

[Chasejazz]

Thank you.
I knew so little about my first husband's ethnicity other than his family originally immigrated from the Cape Verde Islands off of North Africa, which is actually part of Portugal.
I now have my answer.
Thank you, Copabanana!!
You're so are kind, and I can lay this issue to rest. Finally..... ♡♡♡

 

[BusynMember1]

I am trying to hide my identity, but my husband is half black. My amazing father in law is African American. I consider it neither worse or better than other ethnicities and would be ashamed of my kids if they were bothered by something like this. Your daughter is way ridiculous about this. It doesn't matter to people who love all of humanity. It doesn't make any difference to God, who made us all perfectly.

I don't even know what to think about your son, Copa. Ridiculous. Racist. An attempt perhaps to have you not really be Jewish?

I have many weak areas in my life and have exposed only some of them here. Worrying about a person's ethnicity has never been something I ever worried over.

God bless.

 

[Chasejazz]

My adoptive parents are an Italian mother and a Black father. Their children, who are my siblings by adoption, are of course mixed race.
There was no shock factor here -- as my kids, though knowing I was adopted, were raised in a very cultured environment, just like I was.
Just another twist to the craziness.
My 85 year old mother said I should have told MG, "at least the DNA test didn't came back part German Shepard. Then she might have had to take up barking....".
My mom's a riot.
My parents are wonderful people.
Thanks guys.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Chasejazz,

Welcome!!

Question. Am I supposed to give her my saliva so she can track down her "Black" genes? What does she want from me?

There is no telling what she wants from you unless she actually tells you what she wants. If she is not communicating with you then she wants nothing. The fact that she did this DNA test was her choice and she has to own the consequences good or bad. The fact that she is putting so much weight on this DNA test says more about her own character than anything. If she was secure in herself the results would not matter.
She is searching for some kind of answer to fill a void she has and she is looking in the wrong places. Only she can fill the void in her life. Each day is a fresh brand new start for each of us and we get to choose how we will live that day.

So....back to OB. I know he will claim he was the scapegoat of the house. He will tell you he "did everything" growing up. That bc my husband was "never there", always working or sleeping, that HE had to pull up the slack w brother and sister.

Your son like my son has his own perception of how their childhood was. Here's the thing, as long as they stay stuck in the past, they will never be able to move forward. It doesn't matter if there is truth to his perception or not. Same thing I said about your daughter. Each day he gets to choose how he will live that day.

How he hates YB because he's a bigshot A-hole w a fancy car. How MG is a hipocrate and he hates her too.

Sounds like pure jealousy to me.

And obviously, my marriages were not great. But does that qualify as toxic? I am so tired of beating myself up. Especially since OB is now living in his car, having run out of couches to surf. I know he has issues.

You have no reason to beat yourself up. He is choosing to live in his car. You simply made a choice for yourself and that was he could no longer live under your roof. There is nothing wrong with you making that choice for yourself. How your son chooses to process that and live with it is on him.

I feel my whole life has been a waste. I poured my eternal soul into my family.

Your life has not been a waste. You have lived, loved, lost and been hurt. That my dear lady makes you a strong survivor.

I'm sorry for what you are feeling but know that you are more than your children's mother. Now is the time for you to live your life just for you. Do what makes you happy.

I have only 1 child, my 37 year old homeless - wondering son. I rarely hear from him anymore. I can tell you that detaching from him was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I'm glad you are here with us. ((HUGS))

 

[Copabanana]

My 85 year old mother said I should have told MG, "at least the DNA test didn't came back part German Shepard. Then she might have had to take up barking....".

Rolling on the floor laughing here. So. Funny. I would have been honored to be part dog or cat. Gee. I need to get one of those tests.

I cannot believe this woman, your daughter. She's a spoiled brat. Please, please don't let her use you as a whipping boy. You are a good enough mom, like the rest of us. That's all anybody gets. Nobody human is perfect.

 

[Chasejazz]

Thanks for the reply, Tanya. Especially for breaking down the different issues.

First off, since I wrote this out yesterday, a huge weight has been lifted. Not all of it, but at least I publicly admitted this issue with my kids.
People ask me how they're doing and I just say "great" and leave it at that.

Hardest at holidays, Mother's Day, etc.

I will have to read these again...maybe several times, just to real-ize them. I have a tendency to want intellectualize things, because it's easier than feeling them.
You said you have a 37 year old son who is homeless-wandering, but you seem to have done a lot of work in dealing with it. I'm not quite there yet.
Trying.
OB texted today, speak of the devil. Angry... his car's broken down. Says he'll "be gone soon", once he fixes his car. Not sure what that means. It was all just text rambling. Lots of cursing....
I put my phone down and went to finish painting my bathroom, to be busy and get my mind off of him. I didn't text back. I know a fight when I see one.
After two+ months on the streets, he's still hostile. Raving and ranting.
I will read those responses.
Feel what they mean.
Thanks.

 

[Copabanana]

I looked up, just now, the genetics of the Cape Verdean population: Creole (Mulatto) 71%, African 28%, European 1%. There's the answer to the riddle.

Portuguese Africa[edit]
The crioulos of mixed Portuguese and African descent eventually gave rise to several major ethnic groups in Africa, especially in Cape Verde, Guinea-Bissau, São Tomé e Príncipe, Equatorial Guinea (especially Annobon Province), Ziguinchor (Casamance), Angola, Mozambique. Only a few of these groups have retained the name crioulo or variations of it:

• Cape Verde

the dominant ethnic group, called Kriolus or Kriols in the local language; the language itself is also called "Creole";

 

[Chasejazz]

Rolling on the floor laughing here. So. Funny. I would have been honored to be part dog or cat. Gee. I need to get one of those tests.

I cannot believe this woman, your daughter. She's a spoiled brat. Please, please don't let her use you as a whipping boy. You are a good enough mom, like the rest of us. That's all anybody gets. Nobody human is perfect.

I looked up, just now, the genetics of the Cape Verdean population: Creole (Mulatto) 71%, African 28%, European 1%. There's the answer to the riddle.

Portuguese Africa[edit]
The crioulos of mixed Portuguese and African descent eventually gave rise to several major ethnic groups in Africa, especially in Cape Verde, Guinea-Bissau, São Tomé e Príncipe, Equatorial Guinea (especially Annobon Province), Ziguinchor (Casamance), Angola, Mozambique. Only a few of these groups have retained the name crioulo or variations of it:

• Cape Verde

the dominant ethnic group, called Kriolus or Kriols in the local language; the language itself is also called "Creole";

I tapped on the CULTURE PORTION and there was a guy with features like my first husband. So handsome, but not so kind. Not good for me or the kids.

The kids had reasonable contact with the family. Phone calls, birthday cards, etc and visits with auntues, cousins and such as they all lived just a few blocks from my parents. We all grew up in the same neighborhood.
Yes. I believe that first husband must have been creole, with his green eyes and dirty blond hair. He had a considerable accent, also. We did not have the internet back then. The multi-cultural 70s were just people being people. I never questioned his family, nor he mine. They have always been kind to me and the kids. They have dined in my parents home during family get-togethers as recent as 2009!
As I said, there's no rhyme or reason to MD's behavior. She's very beautiful. An exotic, model type. Very, very smart, too. Just not very kind.
I think that the Cape Verdeans have an interesting culture. Maybe she's looked into it getting to know her bio-dad's family better. She used to have them on Facebook. Maybe she can better "find herself".

 

[Chasejazz]

Rolling on the floor laughing here. So. Funny. I would have been honored to be part dog or cat. Gee. I need to get one of those tests.

I cannot believe this woman, your daughter. She's a spoiled brat. Please, please don't let her use you as a whipping boy. You are a good enough mom, like the rest of us. That's all anybody gets. Nobody human is perfect.

You were right about one thing. MD is a spoiled brat. We did it. Gave her everything. SMH..

 

[BusynMember1]

I gave my daughter everything. She is hateful since we stopped. To be honest, my other two kids had a lot too. My husband and I own a thriving business. But they are not spoiled or brats. Nor do they demand more, more, more now that they are grown.

Every adult makes the choice to be kind or not. We are not their main influence once they are 18 and often even younger. Yes, I blamed ourselves until recently.

What a waste of inward guilt and hate. My daughter hasn't been under our roof or in our state for eons and she never took our advice even while young. We didn't make her this way.

We give them roots to grow and wings to fly. God bless you.

 

[Copabanana]

We are not their main influence once they are 18 and often even younger.

Busy. Your daughter and my son are both adopted. I think adoption presents real challenges to children. And in the case of my son who was institutionalized until 22 months. There is a black hole in his psyche from when he had nobody. And research is showing that there is inherited trauma, over and above genetic influences.

I am saying that I agree with you. But that our kids often have strong influences other than their own choices, apart from us.

 

[Chasejazz]

Busy. Your daughter and my son are both adopted. I think adoption presents real challenges to children. And in the case of my son who was institutionalized until 22 months. There is a black hole in his psyche from when he had nobody. And research is showing that there is inherited trauma, over and above genetic influences.

I am saying that I agree with you. But that our kids often have strong influences other than their own choices, apart from us.

Apart from my three children, I have no known "blood relatives". I do, however, have wonderful parents and family. When I got pregnant my last year of high school, my parents were disappointed. But they understood I could not give up or foster baby (OB), and so I married but finished school. I had been accepted into 4 colleges, which my parents were going to pay for., but those dreams went poof. I think having my son was rewriting history in a way. I was five when I was adopted. Pretty old. Lots of foster homes. A different story.... long.
Adopted kids, I think, have a different world view. There are places in us that can only be met by other adopted people, regardless of the circumstances of why they were given up. That's just my opinion, but it's very deep. Hard to explain.

 

[Copabanana]

Question. Am I supposed to give her my saliva so she can track down her "Black" genes?

No.