This is very hard to write, but here goes.... I have three kids, OB Oldest Boy, MG Middle Girl and YB Youngest Boy. They are 35, 38 and 39. I am 58. None of my kids talk to me. Please don't judge because I would turn into a puddle, right here right now. My first husband was a womanizing loser. He fathered OB and MG. He died when the kids were 9 and 10 under suspicious circumstances. They only saw him 3 or 4 times as he lived cross country. I left him when I was pregnant w MG. My second husband and I are divorced x2, for a total of 29yrs marriage and we had YB. Second husband was the only father the oldest kids really knew. Unfortunately, he and I broke many times during their childhood. He had a temper (yelled), worked too much, was financially irresponsible but had a good job so we didn't go without. The kids now. OB is homeless. I had to throw him out in May. He was disrespectful and super controlling, and I suspect mad that his stepdad has been coming over to visit me for the past six months even though we've only been divorced again for a year. There are serious jealousy issues between OB and his stepdad. MG has been absent from the family since 2012. She was in the military for 10 years and kept minimal contact as it was. She married 5 yrs ago, inviting her brothers to her wedding, but not me or her stepdad. (He raised my oldest two. They were 1 and 3 when we first married.) One day, in 2013ish, she told me she took a DNA test and then mailed kits for me and her siblings to take. We were not keen on the idea. No reason, just not. I later find out on a social network that her DNA kit said she was 1/8 Black and she was furious! I tried to reach out to her, but she blocked me. I was adopted, which my kids all knew and had little to no info on my birth parents. My bio mother was Irish Catholic and my bio father was Northern European and some Native American. This is all Catholic Charities told my adoptive parents. My first husband *her bio dad* was white(or so I thought) but his family name is Portuguese. So though I don't know much about these internet DNA tests and their accuracy but I do have a wonderful adoptive family, and had no desire to look into the past I never had. My daughter, on the other hand, has resumed life and calls her friend's family Mom and Dad, has dropped all contact. In 2013, after a back and forth she said we were not her family anymore. And then she sent those wedding invitations. It's maddening. Needless to say, no one attended.... Question. Am I supposed to give her my saliva so she can track down her "Black" genes? What does she want from me? YB went went underground a couple years ago. He holds a good job, makes a lot of money, drives a nice car, but like his Dad, he out-debts his income. He's a slave to working, to none other. YB and I have been out of touch for over 2 years. My ex-husband rarely hears from him and at 70 years old, has many regrets of never being there for family. But when can you do? He was a good provider, a notsogood Dad. He admits that and has OPENLY APOLOGIZED years ago, to all three kids. So....back to OB. I know he will claim he was the scapegoat of the house. He will tell you he "did everything" growing up. That bc my husband was "never there", always working or sleeping, that HE had to pull up the slack w brother and sister. It wears me down. As I said, he is never wrong. He has an opinion, and is right about everything, so he thinks. He will rant for hours until he has himself in tears or yelling, over these same childhood issues. How he hates YB because he's a bigshot A-hole w a fancy car. How MG is a hipocrate and he hates her too. (They were extremely close as children.) The day I told OB he had to leave, I nearly had to call the police. He was ranting and muttering, screaming. Crying. He owns no less then 8 guns, and I felt if the police had come, even just to calm OB down, it would ended up on the evening news. Bad. My instinct was to let him pile his stuff into his car and just go, as "calmly" as possible. As if that were possible, but after several hours, off he went. OB has moved in and out since he was 20. He has a disability, but manages to work here and there and has a trade. MG has a PHD and has moved home off and on until the military stepped in. YB moved back in after a year in the military, where he was discharged with possible bi-polar disorder. Before I found this site, I read so many articles about all these adult kids that disown their families. "Toxic families". I never heard of that term. Now it's glued to my brain. I was a good mother. I spent my first 5 years as an orphan, before I was adopted and I was a teen bride and mom. But I finished high school got good grades etc. I worked. I went to community college when my kids were small. The kids did scouts, horse back riding, summer camp, sports. I volunteered at school and ran the house plus had a step son part time from my hubby's first marriage. And obviously, my marriages were not great. But does that qualify as toxic? I am so tired of beating myself up. Especially since OB is now living in his car, having run out of couches to surf. I know he has issues. We all do. I am wondering with him if there is drug use...I don't know. I cried for three days straight when he drove off, but I was losing my mind! He HAD to go. He took things, pawned them, he lied. He kept rehashing the past. Over and OVER again, some of which never even happened! His girlfriend threw him out 10 months beforehand, which is how he ended up BACK here with me. Again. He was coming in at all hours. Sleeping all day. Never talked to me. Nothing. Just walked by me, never offering to help out at all. (I am on oxygen for heart failure at 58 years old.) He would sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes for hours. Leave. Never say goodbye. Never eat. Sleep. Repeat. Except for the occasional sermon/rant, he was invisible and disinterested. He used to be a good, well-liked guy coming up. Or so I thought. So, I am a Mom w no kids. And as I said, I've hesitated to reach out because these internet forums on estranged adult children inevitably say the parents and/or family is toxic and the kids should move on, adopt new friends and family and seek their happiness.... I don't get it. The kids have always been kind and respectful to my husband. He bought them gifts, cars, paid for private schooling and college, etc. No wonder! I feel my whole life has been a waste. I poured my eternal soul into my family. And as I type this, my ex husband is the only one who sticks around. He keeps hoping... And my parents who are cross country, and have been married 64 years. It's so sad. I have given in to the fact that I may die of a broken heart. P.S. No grandkids (that I know of). No alcohol abuse. No drugs. Feel free to ask questions. I am raw. Please please be kind as you can but I will take any suggestions. Thanks.