Not so good update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by neajle, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. neajle

    neajle New Member

    Well, I am back. In a post a while back I was saying how good difficult child was doing. That has still been true as far as drugs go, but his relationship with this girl who lives clear across the United States is toxic. He and his girlfriend headed back to where she is from. I mentioned before that he has some mental health issues, depression, anxiety etc. He was getting help here from the VA, but when he left, he was too far away from a VA. It has been a terrible road for him and for my family. He was only there for about a week the first time, when he started calling and was so depressed, that I told him to go to the hospital, because he was so far from me. He did this every single day. He said that he wanted to come home, so we sent him a plane ticket. He was home for 3 days when he wanted to go back again. Again we bought him the ticket. He was there for 4 days and the calls continued, I felt hopeless because I didn't know what I could do for him being so far away. I got a phone call from a VA man at a center where you go to get help to find a job, he said flat out: You have to get your son home or something terrible will happen. I said what is going on, but he only said that he could not say, but that the relationship that he is in is dangerous. I called my son and said that I was sending him a ticket and that he had to come home to get help. When he arrived, I knew what was going on, he had several cuts on his arm and the really bad one had tons of stitches. I asked him why he did that to himself and he said that it was a terrible mistake, he realizes it now. He was here this time for 2 weeks, when he had to leave again. This time he only lasted a couple of days, when he called and begged us to come and get him. He had driven his car back the last time, because he said that he would feel better if he had a car there so he could look for work and stuff. My husband took a flight that next morning. Got there and took him to a big city VA hospital. Both psychiatrists wanted him to check in for a while so that they could try to figure out a medication that would help him and also do therapy. He said no. He didn't want to stay at the hospital, so they scheduled an appointment at another VA medical center that was closer to where he was living. He talked to several different therapists there and they agreed with the psychiatrists that he needed to go home, put this relationship on hold for a long time to take a break from it and get help surrounded by his family who will support him. My son said yes, so he and my husband drove his car back to where we live, it took them 4 days! My husband had taken the time off from our company to do this for our son because all we want is him to get help. I called the therapist and psychiatrists that he had here from the VA all the previous times that he was here. They were having some kind of changes and said that they would not have any open appointments for 2 months. I took him there the next day, on an emergency basis so that he could see anybody to get some medications. They started him on some medications, and said that it would take a week to really know if these would work. Well, he was here for 1-1/2 weeks and had to go back again. This time I told him that I can't do this anymore, it is just too painful. I refused to give him money to get back there on, so he borrowed the money from his friend and he will be catching a plane tomorrow morning.

    The having to go back part is because he says that he loves her and she is due to have his baby late September and he doesn't want to miss the pregnancy and the birth. The problems are: The girl is 5 years older than him, she is divorced with 2 children already. She has some kind of hold on him. I don't know how to discribe it. She literally calls him, texts him, e-mails him all day long when he is here. Making him feel bad. She says that if he loved her, he would be there and not here. Finally when our son told her that the therapist said for him to take a break from the relationship, she got even more mad. Several of the days that he was home this last time, she called him crying and telling him that her water broke and she is in labor. I told him that there is nothing that he can do from here so she needed to get herself to the hospital. All of the times, it was a false alarm according to the doctors (my son called and talked to the doctor while she was there). The last time was last night, she called and said that this time it was for real. She didn't go to the hospital last night, but he told her to go when he talked to her this morning. That is when he decided that he better get back there and bought the ticket. Again, the doctor said it was a false alarm. I don't know what she said to him last night or today, but he said he had to go.

    My problem is that I know that he has mental health issues, I want him to get better, but I can't keep doing this. I am literally crying every day. I was told by our pastor that I am enabling him by keep buying the tickets for him to go back and forth. That is why this time I said no. He went over to spend the night at his friends house so that he could drive him to the airport in the morning. I haven't been able to stop crying since this morning. I don't know how to let go of somebody that needs my help. I had a terrible time doing this when he was on drugs, but finally it got so bad that I kicked him out of the house, finally he got himself into his third rehab and got better and has not taken drugs since. We actually had some good talks this last time that he was home. He said that he wishes things had been different and that he had never tried drugs, he said that he knows that he ruined his life and ours and was very sorry.

    How do I let go now? All I want is for him to be well and happy, whether that is in our state or wherever he goes. How will that ever happen as long as he is with this (witch), sorry but that is the only word for her. She won't let go of him and somehow he feels that if he doesn't stay with her he'll be alone for the rest of his life. That is absurd, because he is handsome and kind young man.

    Thanks for listening, sorry it is so long, I could have taken up an entire book telling about all of the horrible e-mails that she sent me etc.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wow, what a rough road you are all on. I wish I had magic words to make it all better.

    I do not know how our kids can get so involved with someone that they are, for lack of a better word, almost addicted to them. This woman sounds downright dangerous. Is she threatening to not have the baby, or to hurt herself or the baby?

    Is there any chance they are cutting "together"? At one point there were some kids Wiz hung out with where the two kid who were "dating" would cut each other and then **** and lick the blood from the partner. Truly gross and scary to me. Heck, even at his darkest this scared Wiz.

    I agree that you need to detach as much as you can. Not cut him off, or leave him stranded there if he truly needs you, but make SURE that you tell him he has to STAY at home the next time he calls. I don't even know if that would be possible, but you might want to try it. Depending on what the docs recommend, of course.

    Have you considered Baker Acting him when he is home? They can put him on a 72 hour hold to assess him and try to stabilize him that way.

    Is this woman truly pregnant with his child? If she is pulling the fake labor, could she also be faking the pregnancy? Is she abusing alcohol or drugs to your knowledge? There are some places that will either lock up a woman or put her on a probation type program if she is using while pregnant.

    How is your son getting the funds to go there and back over and over? What other bills are you paying? If you pay his cell, can you go online and read the text messages he is getting and sending? Does he use facebook or myspace? Often you can get an idea of what someone is doing or thinking about if you can access those things.

    If you search Detachment in the archives you will find some helpful info. Personally I would be very hard pressed to not help in this situation. Is your son truly competent right now?You may need to file a Person In Need of Supervision petition if he gets any worse.

    What you CAN work on is to try not to get so very upset by all of this. Sounds callous and is super hard to do. But it does no one any good if you are constantly upset. Try to find a bit of time to meditate or do some other activity that is therapeutic for you. Exercise can also help with this since it generates endorphins.

    Many many hugs and prayers. Hopefully there is something in my suggestions you can modify to work for you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is your son 21 years old?
    Mental health issues or not, I wouldn't pay for him to go and come to see this woman. It's not good for him and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He needs help and he needs to get it in one place.
    Can he go to a private doctor? Does he have to go to the VA? I've heard they aren't that good...
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Your pain, your fears, your frustration combined with your sincere love??
    I understand. We do not have the same situation but I do understand.

    My husband and I both had to get help dealing with the daily stress. He opted to go back to tobacco:sick:. I went to the psychiatrist and got Lexapro to help me. The Rx made me feel almost like my old stable self after a couple of weeks and I no longer had a problem crying and pacing instead of sleeping.

    I wish I had an answer for you. Is it possible to contact NAMI in the area
    he is visiting and see if perhaps they have a walk-in center? Perhaps if he had a place "to escape" from his ill girlfriend, it would lead to treatment compliance?

    Sending hugs your way. DDD
  5. neajle

    neajle New Member

    She is really pregnant. The first time that he came here with her, they stayed at our house for 6 months, we supported her and him. When she got pregnant, I was not thrilled, but I thought well we'll make the best of the situation. As soon as she got pregnant she told him that she wanted to go back home, that is the first time that he left.

    I am sure that she was faking these episodes so that he would rush back and that is finally what he did. She couldn't figure out any other way to get him to go back. He actually told her that he needed to take a break from the relationship until he got better, but she wouldn't have that. She told him, she didn't care if he was better or not, she wanted him back!

    No, she is not cutting and neither is he anymore. He did this just that one time, I believe it was a cry for help. I think he felt trapped and didn't know what to do. The whole situation is so hopeless. I think that I would feel better if he had stayed here long enough to get situated on a medication and felt like he could make rational decisions. Then if he chose to go back to her, it would be easier for me to understand, because I can't tell him who to love and I know that.

    Most of her own family will not have anything to do with her. She had convinced me, when she was here, that they were the bad ones, not her.

    Today has been a really hard day. I know that I will eventually feel better, but not if he calls and tells me how awful he feels, because there is nothing I can do about it.

    We were the ones to pay his way back and forth, except this last time, when I refused to do it any more. That is when he borrowed the money from a friend.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending many hugs for your fragile hearts. It is so terrible when you see your baby sliding head first down a slippery slope. No matter how old they are they are your babies.

    She sounds like a truly ill person. I hope that he can find help and stand up for himself long enough to become stable.

    Whatever you do, I am sure it is the best you can with what you have at that time. So don't beat yourself up. Be gentle with yourself and your husband. You are both scared and it is easy to snap at each other at times like this.

    Many hugs, my spare rhino skin, and all the cyber shoulders you need to cry on! (I even have the good cyber-tissues that are 3 ply and lotiony so you don't get a sore nose!)
  7. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Oh Jean my old friend, I just stopped by tonight to check in and see whats going on here and I saw your name and post and got very nervous. I am so sorry that you have been going through this. Mental illness is a terrible thing but very treatable. I dont know what to say about the girl, I really dont know too much of the history of the relationship but it doesnt sound good. The baby just makes it more difficult. Most drug users have mental and emotional illnesses as well as addictions, it doesnt surprise me that now that he is clean his mental illness is the problem. He needs stability more than anything and I know you want to give that to him, he is your child and he is hurting of course you want to help him. It looks like the ball is in his court now, you tried to help, but buying him ticket after ticket is just not helping him right now. tell him you love him and that when he wants help for real that you will be there for him but he has to initiate the help.
    PM me if you want or need to talk more.

    Hugs and prayers
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow, you have really been through a nightmare of a situation with you difficult child lately, huh.

    I sure hope this unhealthy codependence that your difficult child has with girlfriend will end soon. So sad that she is so needy at a time when your difficult child really needs to concentrate on getting himself well before he can assist others.

    I know you have probably heard it suggest a zillion times in the past but an Al Anon meeting might be just what you need right now.

    Thinking of you and difficult child,