Not to much to update on son, just need to vent.

Helpless29

Active Member
My son’s court case had been continued twice already. He did call me & acourse it was begging me to get him out & trying to find ways to manipulate me. He said if he can’t come with me , then I can lie to the Judge to get him released to me & then he can go stay with a friend. I don’t know what it was but I felt just triggered by this, I was so angry , how selfish to think I would lie to a Judge & risk getting in trouble . I told him he’s selfish & all he is doing is thinking of himself & not anyone that he has hurt . He was mad I said that & his attitude changed quickly & he got mad. We went back & forth but it went no where , I usually don’t waste my energy arguing with him but there was a lot I needed to get off my chest. He said he will call Sunday but I told him I’m going on a mini getaway with kids & I probably won’t get to the phone because we will be in the Waterpark & again he got mad , like if I shouldn’t be enjoying myself cuz he’s locked up , once again being selfish, not thinking of everything he put me through. All I know is for the first time I’m not feeling guilty, I did everything to help him. I’m looking forward to a drama free getaway with my husband & kids. I feel stronger emotionally & I don’t know how long this will last but I actually feel like I’m in control , not consumed by his actions.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I am sorry you're going through this but pleased for you that you feel stronger. I would only say this: Your son is mentally still a child, and a wayward child at that. And now he's strategizing and maneuvering to achieve his aim, which is to be out. His sense of what's possible is completely out of synch with his actual situation. He feels empowered when he's actually quite vulnerable. There is NOTHING logical or rational about how he's going about anything.

Your best bet now is to leave him to stew in his juices. Nearly everything he's done lately has been motivated by his skewed thinking. The only thing that will (eventually) help him do better is maturity and consequences. The maturity may not come for a while. Years, in fact. But consequences can start to come now. I would try to recognize that he's put himself in a situation where all of the control now rest in the "system." Not in you or any family.

I think you are best served by NOT being in a situation where he can target you as somebody who can get him what he wants. You can't. You won't. End of story. Maybe you need to set a limit for phone calls. Some parents decide to only accept a phone call every week or every other week, or not at all. Letters.

If you choose to continue to accept calls, expect them to be either abusive, angry, pressuring, manipulative, etc. That's the reality of the situation he has put himself in.

I am sorry.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi there

How has your week been? I hope that you have put some distance between yourself and your son.

He needs time to be alone and think about his behaviors. For my son it took years (!) before he realized what a mess he was making of his life. It is hard to accept that your son is manipulating you (it was for me too) but you have to accept it.

Like I have said before, when they are acting like this they do not CARE AT ALL about how this affects us, their mom, the person that loves them more than anyone on the face of the earth!! I know now, looking back, that my son did not think how his behavior affected me at all. It is hard to accept at that time but looking back I know the truth.

The good news is that now my son cares so VERY MUCH about how I feel about him, towards him, and his choices. I honestly never thought we'd get here but we did. He says that I disowned him. Yes I did for some time and I don't apologize for it. I think he now understands that I had to do it because I loved him too much and it hurt me too much to see him that way.

I do hope that things are going better insomuch as you are better able to cope and detach.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Hi there

How has your week been? I hope that you have put some distance between yourself and your son.

He needs time to be alone and think about his behaviors. For my son it took years (!) before he realized what a mess he was making of his life. It is hard to accept that your son is manipulating you (it was for me too) but you have to accept it.

Like I have said before, when they are acting like this they do not CARE AT ALL about how this affects us, their mom, the person that loves them more than anyone on the face of the earth!! I know now, looking back, that my son did not think how his behavior affected me at all. It is hard to accept at that time but looking back I know the truth.

The good news is that now my son cares so VERY MUCH about how I feel about him, towards him, and his choices. I honestly never thought we'd get here but we did. He says that I disowned him. Yes I did for some time and I don't apologize for it. I think he now understands that I had to do it because I loved him too much and it hurt me too much to see him that way.

I do hope that things are going better insomuch as you are better able to cope and detach.
My week has been ok, and to be honest , I’m still having a hard time detaching & I feel so ashamed to say that but it’s the truth. When I went on my mini getaway with my husband & kids, we were in the Waterpark most of day & we got back to the hotel,I had 104 missed calls from him!! I did accept some calls when I did have the chance during our vacation .I wish I could be stronger & just let it be but I continue to take every phone call. I know this is not good for me and I wish I could follow everyone’s advice but it’s so hard , I’m really trying to detach.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
What is he saying on the calls? What is his attitude? Is he continuing to harangue you to get him out? Does he continue to not take any responsibility for what happened? I would think it would be hard for any mother to detach completely from a child his age, in his circumstances.

I have a suggestion. First, what do you feel are your options? Do you feel that you can do what he is requesting? Have you clearly told him "no"?

To me, if you've already told him no. it's masochistic to keep enduring this battering from him. If you keep enduring this, it sounds like you feel guilty for something. And believe on some level that you deserve this mistreatment. I can see how somebody could say to themselves on some level, all of the family was at the waterpark except son...

This is not your bad. There may have been things before, that happened, that you feel bad about. But this is now. That was then. Right now, he needs to accept "no." And you need to accept it too. Unless I am missing something I don't see how you have the ability to rescue him from this situation, given his choices. There is nothing I have seen written by you that indicates to me he would do anything different, should he come back to your house.

Every single call that you accept from him to me is hurtful. It is hurtful to you and it is hurtful to him. He needs to stew in the juices of what his actions and choices and attitudes have wrought. Every single call that you answer allows him to escape from taking responsibility. There is a reason for "no." He needs to face it.

I would try to set a limit on calls. For support only. Not for begging and battering. I think a couple of times a week is enough. But if he persists with this same behavior, I would rethink even that.

I know I sound hard. I don't mean to be. I am thinking of him and his welfare. He needs a limit.
 
Last edited:

Helpless29

Active Member
What is he saying on the calls? What is his attitude? Is he continuing to harangue you to get him out? Does he continue to not take any responsibility for what happened? I would think it would be hard for any mother to detach completely from a child his age, in his circumstances.

I have a suggestion. First, what do you feel are your options? Do you feel that you can do what he is requesting? Have you clearly told him "no"?

To me, if you've already told him no. it's masochistic to keep enduring this battering from him. If you keep enduring this, it sounds like you feel guilty for something. And believe on some level that you deserve this mistreatment. I can see how somebody could say to themselves on some level, all of the family was at the waterpark except son...

This is not your bad. There may have been things before, that happened, that you feel bad about. But this is now. That was then. Right now, he needs to accept "no." And you need to accept it to. Unless I am missing something I don't see how you have the ability to rescue him from this situation, given his choices. There is nothing I have seen written by you that indicates to me he would do anything different, should he come back to your house.

Every single call that you accept from him to me is hurtful. It is hurtful to you and it is hurtful to him. He needs to stew in the juices of what his actions and choices and attitudes have wrought. Every single call that you answer allows him to escape from taking responsibility. There is a reason for "no." He needs to face it.

I would try to set a limit on calls. For support only. Not for begging and battering. I think a couple of times a week is enough. But if he persists with this same behavior, I would rethink even that.

I know I sound hard. I don't mean to be. I am thinking of him and his welfare. He needs a limit.
His attitude changes on each call, first one was the begging to help him find ways to get out & I did clearly say No and there is nothing I can do . Other calls were him having me make 3 way calls to his girlfriend & his last call was just basic talk , he talked about his dreams he has etc. I reassured him that all his dreams of becoming a cook & going to culinary school to be a chef can happen if he changes his lifestyle. When he was out here he really enjoyed his job cooking pizzas & learning how to prepare dishes at the restaurant. I guess depending on how his day is going in there , is what his attitude is like on the phone. I know the first 2 weeks were rough because they had him in quarantine for precautions. He has said he’s sorry & says he wishes he could go back in time & change the decisions he made. He also said he was writing a letter to my husband to apologize. I don’t feel guilty, I just feel sad because I know he can be so much more & I think about all the good moments we had when he was here before he spiraled out of control again. I know it is out of my hands now,
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

Thank you for this post which really helps me better understand. It sounds like your son is doing some good thinking. And it sounds like he really sees that you love him and that you tried for him. He is acknowledging that indirectly. And he may be locating responsibility in himself, at least beginning to.

If you're willing to be open to the calls, it's your choice. It sounds like he wants to connect with you.

It's such a good thing he knows what he likes to do, based on the job, and can imagine goals. So many young people do not.

Change doesn't happen in a straight line. All of us change at an uneven pace and in fits and starts.

I am sorry you are suffering. You don't deserve to. I feel bad for your son, too.

Love.
 
Last edited:

overcome mom

Active Member
Helpless, I can sure relate to what you are going through. I can't tell you how many times I have been in your shoes. The same exact begging, guilt and apologies. With my son I do think he feels sorry once he is locked up and sober but then he does it again, and again. I know the sadness that comes watching your child self destruct. I too have a hard time not taking the phone calls. I feel bad that he is locked up with no one else to talk to. What I try to remember is this was his choice and not mine and I shouldn't feel bad,depressed all the time because of choices he made. My son is not locked up at the moment. He is on furlough from the court at a sober living house. I know it is just a matter of time before he gets locked up again. I just keep telling myself that I have no control over his behavior but I can control mine. I think it is a great idea to limit the calls and the times. I would let him know the specifics and stick to it. If you are like me every time the phone rings I tense up.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
It's such a hard position to be in. I'd hang onto everything I felt that was positive my son would say during our crisis. However it usually turned out that he was trying to tell me what I wanted to hear to get his way.

There's just no easy answer. Sending you prayers for strength and clarity during this difficult time for your family.

:hamwheelsmilf:
 
Top