Now this makes alot of sense !!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    So now my daughter has the bright idea she is going to move to Florida for awhile (without her son) she plans on staying with a friend from high school that she hasn't seen for years. I am sure she has given her the big sob story about how bad her life is and how badly everyone treats her here. She thinks she can go down there, get a good job, get her life together, then come back home in a few months, and everything will be peachy. In the meantime her 4 year old will not have seen her for months and god knows how his dad will take care of him. This friend from high school has nooooo idea what she is getting herself into!! I give her a month of my daughter and she will ship her back home. She did this exact same thing to her oldest son when HE was around 3. She took off went to Florida and pawned her oldest off on his grandma. Seems like she cant raise a child past the age of 4. I do not understand at all. I would have died if I would have been away from my kids for that long while growing up!!! She just keeps running and running away from reality. I am just so sad as to what is going to happen with my little sweet grandson!!! He is so innocent and doesn't deserve any of this. And of course I have not spoken to either of them since the Easter/birthday blow up!! They are going to make my grandson turn out like her two oldest ones.....bitter and irresponsible !!! It makes me soooo sad!! I want soooo bad to save the little guy from all of this but I really do not want to spend the next 14 years of my life raising another child either! I just want some peace!!!! Exactly what would all of you do? Try to talk sense into her or just let it all go?
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Not me. Its not my business. I dont like abuse and know I cant make another person, especially a rebellious, angry, atypical one, do anything. I would feel anything I said would just strenghthen her resolve to go.

    If you try to "reason" with an unreasonable person, you will end up hurt and abused. Go by the past. So often it predicts the future. Has your daughter ever listened to you kindly? Have you ever been able to change her mind?

    It is too bad about your grandchild. Sadly, his parents are the only ones with legal control over him. Im so sorry.its hard not to have any control...
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Soooootired it is just never ending.
    With my two, I know already it is futile to talk with them. With my other children we can have discussions, but not my two. There is this automatic rejection of anything I say.
    Reason......what is that? Normal........ what is that?
    It is hard when there are grands involved. What can you do?
    You already know that taking care of your grandson is not an option for you.
    Even if you wanted to, you have no legal right.
    It is rough to watch, believe me, I understand.
    ST, are you seeing a therapist for you? This is so much to think about, to process, just going to see a counselor or a group to work through this face to face is helpful. I did. I needed to, because I was focusing everything on my grands and running my heart ragged with the weight of it all.
    Then I realized, I had absolutely no control.
    Even when CPS and authorities got involved, concentration was on keeping the family together.
    There is absolutely nothing to be done.
    This. Let it go. Right now, your daughter is talking about something. Let it go, don't mention it, if it happens, it happens. Often, d cs mention things to get us spinning. It is a game. Do not play the game.
    Day by day.
    Slow way down and take it day by day.
    I am sorry, I know it is hard.
    Take some deep breaths and take time for YOU.
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  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Sadly you have very little role here. She will do what she will do, as she has already demonstrated. You could volunteer to take the little guy, but if you don't want to raise him then I don't think that is wise. Maybe you can settle on something like Wednesday night ice cream dates, or Saturday mornings at the get my drift. So that you are a reliable presence. But even that hinges on her good will.
    My loving SO's daughter has decided to keep her baby away from him (punishment for his getting a restraining order against his ex-wife, her step mom). It is heartbreaking, but it is fully in her control. We can't help that baby, who is being groomed to be a high school drop out just like mom and baby daddy.
    Once they have a new family, even a fragile, tenous, unstable one, your impact is close to zero.
    I"m sorry. Try to let it go.
  5. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    This site is far better than any therapist i have been to, and i have been to many over the years! You all talk from experience, not from books!! This site is my rock!! I love all of you for being there for me. My goal is to get strong enough that I feel like I can help others too, not quite to that point yet!!
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi So T, if it were me, I would step back and not interfere. Your daughter is a grown woman and will make her own choices no matter how irresponsible they may be.
    She is probably expecting you to disagree with her so she can then engage you into and argument to once again try and make you feel guilty. Don't bite. Wish her well and be done with it.

    I know how much it hurts when there is an innocent grand child involved. While her other two sons did not fare well under her care there are no guarantee's that will happen with this little guy. Just as we have done our very best to raise our kids and they turned out to be d_c's, there are adult d_c's who raise their children in chaos and sometimes those kids turn out great.

    You can't raise your grandson but you can have influence in his life. When you have time with him just make the most of it, that's all you can do.

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    Stay strong and be good to yourself.

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  7. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thanks....that gives me some hope! He is so different from all of her other kids...He has a really laid back personality and is smart beyond his 4 years. He comes up with extremely long words! He said to my other daughter the other day "Are you frustrated? she said no why,,,he says "well if you are you need to calm down !" I about died laughing he is just too amazing!!
  8. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Well its official my daughter is leaving for florida next wed. (without her son) Im trying to be strong, but while Im sitting here crying my eyes out every thought concerning this situation is going through my head! How can a mom leave her 4 year old? How is his dad going to take care of him? He should be in preschool right now getting prepared for kindergarten....He has no stability from anyone, but me, and thats only when I have him! I am so angry with my daughter right now!! She has not completely raised any of her kids. And this little boy has no one except his dad and me. His dad's mom died when he was 16 and his dad is terminally ill right now! I am by myself with no significant other to help or support me....I feel like im drowning and so helpless to protect my little grandson!! Life is so cruel sometimes! If it weren't for my grandson I could care less where she went but it is always the innocent ones that suffer from the chaos ...She has done nothing but give me grief for 22 years now! I want to just scream and yell at her but she only thinks of herself. She says she is going to florida to get her life all she wants is a vacation!!
  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    ST, that is so hard for you. I'm so sorry.

    As hard as it is, if it were me I would try to be as sincere as I could in wishing her well in her desire to get her life together. (And you wouldn't be dishonest, right? You DO wish her to get her life together!) Then do as the others have suggested and try to set up regular times to be a stable person in your little guy's life, like a weekly play date or so on. Maybe this will be a great opportunity for you to have some influence.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If the dad is terminally ill...

    I don't know how social services work where you are.
    Here, they have specific accommodations for this kind of a case. Dad terminally ill, Mom "walked out", grandma willing to be involved but not able to raise him. They would set up a long-term foster situation, where the foster family takes him for short spells on a regular basis to give the Dad a break, and the kid learns that if anything happens to Dad, these people will look after him. HERE, they also LOVE to have grandparents involved. You would get to keep doing all the grandparent things, because it's part of the stability of this child.
    This set-up seems to be handled positively if the ill parent steps forward and asks for help - rather than it being a CPS case.
  11. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Im sorry I didnt mean my grandsons dad I meant my grandsons grandpa. His dad is physically well, but really irresponsible and dumb.
  12. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    ST, I am sorry you find yourself amidst this heartache and stress. Sadly, so many of us find ourselves in situations where the only thing we can do is withdraw. Trying to make our own lives better, and doing the little bit we can do, does not feel like enough and leaves us feeling depleted and bereft.

    You have tried so hard to be a good grandma. You have been there for everybody to the extent it was possible and made sense. Sometimes it works out that this is all that can be done, for now.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh ST, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are enduring such heartache.

    As you know, we don't have any control when it comes to our d_c's, but we do have control over how we respond. Continue to be the best Grandma you can be and that's all you can do.

    Be good to yourself.
  15. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I wish so bad that I could develop internal strength! But every time this happens I fall into a huge depression! I have had problems my whole life with depression but have tried really hard to keep it at bay, But she is just like sandpaper to me. She just keeps rubbing me the wrong way until I cave. She is the laziest most unproductive person I know, and now she is basically giving up being a mom too!! I want to be strong enough to handle her, but I just dont have that kind of personality....I am just a whimpy person that allows people to run all over me. Alls I know how to do is cry like a huge baby. I dont know how to change ! Nothing I hear or read helps.... sounds good, but applying it is a total different story. I have no belief in myself, and never liked myself little lone love myself! She knows me and pushes every button that she can push! Sorry I dont want to sound like im having a huge pitty party....but truthfully that is exactly what I am doing!!!! I am suppose to go out tonight with the girls from work...alls I want to do is go to bed!!!!
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon, we are s lot like our d c. We need to have the guts to stand up and change too, or we will not make progress. I am not criticizing you or trying to be tough on you. Just speaking facts. The
    only way you can change and stand strong is if you want it enough to do it, even if its very hard. It is hard for our d cs to change too.

    You have your fate in your hands. You don't have to be that doormat. Most of us started out as one too!! It is ok to cry, nut afterward maybe try some of the tips you've gotten that can help you love and respect yourself rather than seeing yourself as weak.

    Hugs! We are with you 1000 percent :)
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Go have fun tonight, ST!!!!
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Dear friend, I don't believe for minute that you are a whimpy person. It takes enormous strength to deal with all that you have had to deal with. You are emotionally drained because of it and this by no means makes you whimpy, just the opposite, it makes strong.
    You are making progress, you really are. Changing ourselves takes time. Whey you say you allow people to run over you, well, here's how I see it. You are a people pleaser, a peace maker, one who doesn't like confrontation. I'm the same way. It has taken time but I've developed better skills for dealing with people. I'm still a people pleaser, it's my nature, but I have learned to set boundaries. Again, this didn't happen overnight.

    Think about how you want to be then take baby steps to get there. If we start with small changes it's much easier and we have better success.

    Go out tonight with the girls. Live in the moment, enjoy yourself. It's ok for you to have a good life, you deserve it.

    Hang in there ST, you will get through this and you are much stronger than you realize.

    ((HUGS)) to you...................
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  19. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank You for responding!! I feel so much better when I get advice from all of you!!
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    St, I hope you went out with the girls. Sometimes we just have to step way back from the drama of all of this and relax and have fun.
    You do you, for a change.
    It is time.
    You have raised your children.