O.M.G! Humungous vent here.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I'm not even sure how to write this without it just oozing anger.....

    After husband and I agreed that we would NOT co-sign for Ant.... I go to work on Saturday (my 2nd job here) and come home to husband's co-signing for a car for Ant. It's a done deal and Ant is out driving his new car. It was only a loan for $5,000 so it's okay you know. OH... and I was informed that we ARE putting Ant on our insurance and he will be paying us for his insurance..... A 20year old with No "good grade" discount, a high school drop-out, a kid with now TWO MIP's to his name. Oh this should be cheap......

    But I'm not to be mad at
    1) husband disrespecting me and going behind my back and doing something that we had discussed at great lengths...but if things were reversed and I did something for easy child that husband had said not to husband says he wouldn't be mad or upset, he'd understand. He threw a fit when easy child wanted to upgrade to a smart phone and would pay us for it because husband didn't want to risk a $75 debt that easy child might not be able to pay. ????? and he trusts Ant???
    2) at now having my life tied to Ant again. I'm still paying off Ant's rehab. When he said that he was doing great he only smokes pot once in a while, or he only drank when one of his friends passed away, it didn't bother me because it was HIS life. NOW...Hello???? My life here! We are so close to going under and losing EVERYTHING, but we can trust Ant. And why? Because husband threatened to take the car away. In 15 years, husband has NEVER stood firm with any consequence for Ant. I know that. Ant knows that! The only one who doesn't know that husband is a massive pushover is husband! I totally forgot what the stress was like when your life is tied directly to a difficult child. I haven't slept more than 2 hours this weekend.
    3) be mad/or stressed about the fact that we don't have the money for me to go to my now very much needed psychiatrist/therapist...buy we can take on Ant's debt because there is no way Ant will follow through because he has never followed through before. husband bought the ocean-front property in Kansas. I didn't.

    And let's add to this.....yesterday was mother in law's 60th b-day party. We didn't go. It was all fine. Then little brother comes over so we could see our niece and nephew.....where little brother decided to purge what Mommy told him. She really misses her son. And look at how bad father in law is....he made up this photo display and didn't put in one picture of husband. husband bought that hook, line and sinker until I pointed out that father in law can't figure out how to make a bowl of cold cereal without mother in law holding his hand. Did he really think that all of a sudden father in law could do a big photo project on his own?? Little brother always tells husband about whatever mother in law or Steph or any other family member has to say. I walk out of the room and find something that has to be done right then because I don't want to hear it. I think little brother needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. And even though everything little brother says bothers husband and causes him sleepless nights, he can't tell his brother to be quiet because it would hurt his feelings. And this is the guy that is supposed to be tough on ANt. Yeah.... right....

    Just when I thought I was out from under difficult child stress.....here I am buried up to my eyeballs. If/When Ant doesn't pay....it will be a very big strain on our marriage.

    Thanks for reading/listening to me if you got this far.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I wish I had some advice for you... But I don't... Just lots of gentle hugs.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I would be LIVID!!!!

    That is just wrong on so many levels....the first level being the marriage. You must feel so betrayed...

    I'm so sorry.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I would be more than ticked off!!!! I don't even know what to say. Does Ant work?? I think I would have a straight up heart attack if my difficult child got a job - no way in Hades would I cosign anything for her.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    There has got to be a stronger word than LIVID for this - I just can't think of it.

    There is only one thing I can suggest as advice - do everything you can to separating your finances. Assuming you don't live in a community property state, this can help you in the long run. No, not if you split, but if bankruptcy needs to be filed, if he passes before you and has racked up a debtload with ANT. Even if you don't work, it can be done. Checking accounts should be his, hers and house. If you don't work (or he doesn't work), the money going into his and hers should be equal - logic being that the person not working is working in the home, and should be "paid" for that work. If you both work, the money going into house should be a proportionate % of your incomes going in to pay household expenses, then you each keep the balance of your $ Close out joint credit cards, and get your name off his cards, and his name off your cards.

    Once you are financially separated, but both contributing proportionately equally to the house, you are then each free to help your kids financially how you see fit, and how you can afford it because that assistance will have to come out of the his or hers accounts.

    And, if husband doesn't like this arrangement? Oh well, you didn't get a say in the cosign thing, so why should he get a say in this?
  6. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    We have a lovely community property state where husband can do what he wants without my signature, but I will be responsible. Ant is working, full time and he has a part-time job too. He's just careless and reckless like a true difficult child.

    I don't know which is worse, the betrayal of my husband or the stress of whether or not Ant will be responsible.

    And it didn't help husband's case when he told me about how mother in law told Ant "I'm not going to help you and let you #$%^ up my credit" ....so husband just had to help Ant. They played him well. And Ant was well aware of how I felt about the co-signing before it happened.

    The whole thing hoovers! But.... I love USAA insurance. It's under $100 a month for the new driver and car! Especially a driver without the driver's Ed discount or the good grade discount. We really lucked out on that. Now let's see if Ant will follow through.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I can not imagine how utterly rolled over you feel right now. Is there any .....ANY way that you can get Ant for the next - XX months to funnel his money to you so that YOU can make his car payment and insurance payment?

    I like kiestas idea of starting my own little private accounts somewhere.
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Yeah, in community property state, just get a little more creative. Take your "share" of cash, and stach it under the mattress or in the cookie jar or freezer. You know how in the "old days" the SAHMs had the "mad money jar' they skimmed off their grocery "allowance"

    You can still do the separate accounts. It won't protect you financially, but it will drive a message home to husband and then maybe he'll see in black and white that he really can't afford to cover the expense.

    And by the way, this isn't a "punishment" type thing, but a legitimate financial planning method for couples that want to keep things separate but equal.

    The good news is, that since there is a loan, there is a lien on the title, so ANT can't just go sell it for some fast cash.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Cookies!
  10. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I have my own account and we have a joint account. My paycheck goes into my account. Right now, it's holding the money to finance our weekend to the family reunion. .....since husband doesn't know how much is there..... there is suddenly a lot less available for the trip! I'm setting aside enough to cover a couple of months worth of Ant's payments so that when/if he doesn't pay, we can cover the expenses until we get the car back and sell it. (Ant did give me a key to his car to hold onto. So I will have no problem being a repo man).

    And since I take care of all the bills and both bank accounts, I'll be putting all the extra $$ away for now. Hope husband doesn't mind rice and beans for dinner for quite a while. No more B-B-Ques unless it's generic hot dogs (husband hates hot dogs)...I'm not vindictive, not at all. I'm just half Italian/half German (or in the words of my Mom... half mafia/half hitler...to not p*** her off!)

    It should be a fun trip to the reunion this weekend... 12 hours in a car... just husband and I. Going to be a very chilly ride for him. :2cold::frozen:

    What hurts the most is that he's willing to hurt me just so he won't hurt Ant. Guess I'm the sure thing and he knows I'll eventually forgive him where as with Ant....?? who knows. Ant went almost 2 years without talking to him when he was 16. Guess husband is afraid to repeat history. And I've stayed through 2 difficult children and the psycho mother in law. Why wouldn't I stay for a little thing like this?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I could give you a whole lot of suggestions for how to handle this. It is my first instinct because I am a "fixer" and like helping others. Instead I am going to give you a couple of ideas to think about and one HUGE suggestion that I hope and pray you will take. I don't know what Ant's drug of choice is, but I strongly urge you to go to Al Anon and/or Narc Anon. The groups for the families, not the addicts. Your husband has classic codependent behavior and until you get healthier you won't be able to set boundaries as well and choose to not be upset and tied down by his codependence. It would be excellent if he would go also, but I don't know if you want to drag him there or not.

    I will say to start with a goal of 7 in 7. 7 meetings in 7 days. Go at different times (many places have lunch meetings that are short and to the point so that they fit into a 1 hr lunch with travel time) and to different places so that you can see which ones are the best fit for you. Invest in yourself with your time in the hours when you are not working. You deserve it. You didn't find a husband with addicted kids and a messed up family by accident - you gravitated toward each other because you came from similar backgrounds. Somehow those of us from addicted families can find each other no matter what.

    Personally I would be pushing him to work a second job to pay for Ant's ins and hte car payment and would take away his wallet and checkbook. But that is how I would handle it with my husband and my husband would not go and get another set of checks or a duplicate card.

    It is time to start thinking about what would make you leave the relationship. It does not sound like you can trust him. I don't know much about your relationship and all you have experienced with this man so I do not know if it is worthwhile to try to fix/save the marriage or if it owuld be better to leave now. Only you can know that. Whatever you decide, you have my support. I won't say much except I am sorry and I would think about the things I have mentioned if I were in your shoes.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can think of lots of words for how I would feel but the censor wont let me say them...lol.

    Actually, I would have been the one most likely to have done this simply by getting played fast. Tony would have literally killed me. We have talked and talked about how we would never cosign for any of the kids. I almost did it for a scooter for Cory but then I realized what I was doing and backed off. I waited until I could buy one outright.
  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Yikes! been there done that with the "we'll put difficult child on the insurance and she'll pay us" routine - yeah, right, sure she will. For one month, maybe two - then suddenly other pressing expenses come up (one of my personal favorites: she was "helping out" so-and-so at work who was "going through a really bad time right now" and as soon as so-and-so paid her back, she'd pay us back. Needless to say that never happened.) I'd say a diet of macaroni-and-cheese (the generic kind) for the foreseeable future, with the explanation "it's all we can afford what with the high cost of insurance" is richly warranted (obviously, you might eat a little better when you're out and about).
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    I am so not surprised to hear this. I had the same set up. The second the ring went on my finger, husband handed his check to me and I was to take care of everything. WOW! I thought it was the greatest thing ever. I had ALL the control. Unfortunately it only seemed that way. Truth is when they are not involved in the bill paying, they HAVE NO CLUE what anything costs. When we manage to always squeak out those little 'extras' that they want, they just figure that there's always enough money to go around, when in reality, we are stretching the budget like CRAZY and dipping into the credit cards just to make ends meet and keep them happy.

    I am currently an avid watcher of the "SUZE ORMAN Show" on CNN Saturday nights. After that is "Til Debt do us Part" Wish I had tuned into them 10 years ago. I would have FORCED husband to at least look at a spreadsheet of all our expenses EVERY month. I'm so not great with money, and never have been, but I was much better and more responsible and practical than husband. Because of these shows, I'm getting better and more responsible than ever before. I highly recommend them to anyone.