Jody,
As much as it literally killed my soul.....and I mean that wholeheartedly about my ex - Satan incarnate. Dude took it upon himself to go, see, live, and idolize, put on a mountain top. Daddy Disney. The man is 56, homeless, has absolutely nothing to his name, no drivers license, no morals, no real friends, and after screwing EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE over - no family. They absolutely hate him. I got out with my life, and the life of my son - messed up as it was. I never asked for child support - told the judge it was a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME. And just worked (gladly) three jobs and shopped Salvation Army and Goodwill for what we needed, refused food stamps - and did the best I could. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER??? My son - decided to GO THERE to LIVE with him in his FLORIDA - MANSION....UM...okay yeah.
I have pictures of the FLORIDA mansion. IT's a crackhouse, that should be condemned. My son spent months cleaning it up - while Daddy Disney was in jail. He had it looking nice, like a home, got renters, the whole works. Daddy Disney got out of jail and within a week? The place was trashed so badly - you can not imagine. He threw out the renters - moved dopers in, and tried to beat his own son with a ball bat. My son STILL wanted a relationship. He stole from my son, he took things from my son, he rifled through his room - and any and EVERYTHING my son earned he STOLE - even a car - HE TOOK A BASEBALL BAT and a knife to it - and destroyed and demolished it - STILL the kid hung on every word, waiting for Dad to say what he longed to hear........and then? Dude found a 52" TV by the curb and brought it home, fixed it himself and daughter broke into his room, and busted that TV up with a baseball bat. THAT was the final straw. That and daughter went to jail for doctor shopping. Of course he's a huge snitch - so he never gets whats coming to him - but he never does and THAT's what made Dude turn.
Today - he wants NOTHING to do with him. He doesn't hate him - I have tried to teach him to forgive and move on - but don't forget. And I think that the man could die tomorrow - and it would only phase Dude in asmuch as - What a waste - he could have had a son - So now it isn't "WHAT was wrong with me? Why didn't he LOVE ME?" ..nope - now that he's gotten to go and see for HIMSELF - that it wasn't ME being the big bad OGRE keeping him from a wonderful loving father who wanted him - and I just kept him away all these years and denied him a great daddy - instead I took him away to keep him safe from a drunk, druggie, womanizer, psychopath, sociopath, uncaring, unfeeling, raw, calculating, cold, animal - that has absolutely no concern or empathy for a single living thing - and the only reason I never wanted him to go in the first place is because I was afraid that my x would kill him - or harm him....and then call me and say "If you want to see your son - do this this and this....or else." Not that I didn't want Dude to know what was real and who he was...he needed to know that.
As far as ME having anything to do with him? The man doesn't deserve to hear me BREATHE on the other end of a telephone ----and never will. He lost that privledge years ago. As far as I'm concerned there is no greater disgrace for a man than when you cease to believe he exists.
So if your daughter NEEDS to go find out what and why her Father is about? You really have no choice. Just make sure that you are ADAMATELY CLEAR UPFRONT with your children that IN NO WAY, SHAPE or form are they do discuss YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HOME, YOUR JOB - or ANYTHING pertaining to YOU......WHATSOEVER. If he wants a relationship with her/ So be it....then that's between them - NOT YOU and your bank account or life. And Be open to any discussion about him with her - BUT be wise in your answers. BE VERY detached.....Oh that's nice dear, UH HUH, WOW. Imagine that - and all without sarcasm - or you won't hear anything else.
As far as your daughter and her bank account, and her life? Well - all I can say is - SHE WILL LEARN the hard way - and you just have to hope you raised her to be YOUR daughter and no ones fool. She may just not be as soft as you think. OR as forgiving as you think. It took my son two years....to say - "MY DAD, lives with YOU Mom." And write him a letter telling him how awful he has been as a Father - and he sent a copy of it to his bio-dads sister (thought of that on his own too) because - he said to her "When your brother starts turning on the tears and the WOE IS ME - drama about how badly I treated him and how HORRIBLE I talked to him? I want you to be ABSOLUTELY AWARE of what I said to him---so he can't ELABORATE and make you feel sorry for his sorry behind - because I'm not being anything here but honest."
She read the letter he wrote - and said "WOW - I think it's a little harsh don't you?" and he said "I think not paying any support for a child you say you love more than your life, and would die for - is harsh. I think selling a child you would die for - for your crack habbit? Is harsh. I think to wait 15 years to have a reunion with that child, and go after him with a baseball bat and ruin his car, his clothes, his property, and throw paying renters out and treat him like crud in front of his druggie buddies and have them eat all his food - is harsh? So this letter? No - I don't think my letter is harsh. It says exactly what I feel - keeping all emotions out of it - LEAVE ME ALONE, DON'T EVER BOTHER ME AGAIN, WE ARE THROUGH, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE - and blew it. Have a nice life.
So my thought is - Stay out of their relationship. You've already had one with him - it didn't work out - and if theirs does? Fine. If it doesn't fine. But it's her choice. I really wouldn't go with her. Other than maybe to drop her off and sit in the car - and NOT talk to him. You've said ALL you had to say - and the tone of your post pretty much says how you still feel - that's not going to change in a dinner....and who could blame you.
The kicker is - HE IS working now? And you could always go after him for back cihld support if you wanted him to leave town. ROFLM lawyer off. <--------so mean.