oh no, another move/hard decision

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bramblewoodbabydoll, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    Sprite and Snipers biodad... lets call him X1.
    Sprite now lives with me and Sniper lives with X1. X1 was supposed to bring Sniper over Friday evening from the town they live in 2 hours away to my house and pick up Sprite to take her to his parents in another town 1 hour from where I live. Sniper calls to tell me they are about 45 minutes away and X1 is 'altered' which is to say Sniper thinks he is drunk. Sniper is worried, they are swerving. X1 had a drinking problem when we divorced but I foolishly believed that he had gotten a handle on all this. Sniper has only lived with him since January and it was a good faith agreement. We didnt utilize the legal system or anything like that.
    I wanted X1 to pull over and let me come meet them, he wouldnt hear it. I could tell he was slurring. Said he was picking on Sniper and swerving on purpose to tease him!!!:surprise:
    You dont do that to your child ANYWAY, when would you ever tease a scared kid????:mad:
    The blood is just draining from my brain as this loser is telling me he can drive and Sniper is exaggerating:faint:
    He makes it to my neighborhood and then my fiance goes to drive them the rest of the way to our house. He is trashed. Sniper is embarassed, Sprite is mad she isnt going to her grandparents. X1 has to stay the night because he is too enebriated to drive. Then as a very drunk and stupid acting X1 tries to play it off I pour out his drink and Sprite comes to his aid, tells him she loves him and pretends everything is fine while he asks her the same question over and over.:angry-very: Sniper tells me in private that X1 slept all afternoon then woke up and fixed the drink, got in the car leaving his glasses and his cell phone and Sprites things that got left the last time she visited. This is the only thing he feels bad about- forgetting Sprites things.
    I confront him Sat morning, he shows no remorse, thinks Im overreacting. My dad died of liver failure, I know all about alcoholics. I break it down for him again. He says Im right, placates me. While I am getting Sprites things together he steals Vodka from my freezer and makes another drink in secret then leaves for his parents house with Sprite in the car:mad::sad-very:
    His parents call me later, he is still drunk. Stays drunk all day, annoys everyone. Sprite alternates between being angry and trying to take up for X1. I seriously talk to Sniper about coming back to live with me.
    Sunday: X1 shows even less remorse... tells me to mind my own business!!!!! WHATWHAT???:surprise:
    I told Sniper to go back to school and say quiet goodbyes to his friends, call me if he feels uncomfortable and I will get him anytime day or night. Gather his most important things, this Friday I have off and Im going to pick him up for the state fair. Saturday I am calling X1 and explaining that Sniper wont be returning. X1's family says they will support me if X1 takes it badly and they are going to encourage him to get help. Sniper tells me he mixes drinks daily but does not usually get that messed up.
    X1 is supposed to be in grad school and in a work study program... he could not explain any of what he is supposed to be doing in grad school to my fiance... I dont even think he is going anymore.
    Am I overreacting? Am I going too far? I think this is reckless endangerment. I cant abide by it. I would not make Sniper tell his dad that he wants to live with me, I think its a bit much to put on a 14 year old and X1 insists he can handle himself and Sniper..... yeah sure! I asked him if he stole anything before he left (the vodka) Sat. he looked confused then said 'only what was stolen from me' I told him he didnt even know what he was drinking or who it belonged to, I'd taken nothing from his car! He drank mine and his alcohol:ashamed:
    Sniper needs to come home, I nearly couldnt stand to see him go back Sunday but we were reeling all weekend from the shock and our minds just must have been jelly by then. Sniper has to change schools now and readjust again. Sigh.
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Overreacting? NO!!!

    Honestly, if it had been me I would have found out where they were when Sniper called and called the police. For X1 to have driven drunk on his own is bad enough but to have MY child in the car? (Again if it were me) Beyond unacceptable. That would fall into the range of neglectful and dangerous to Sniper, himself and anyone else on the road.

    If the move doesn't happen or is postponed for any reason, and you KNOW he's doing this again...call the police. If you worry about upsetting or making Sniper angry...don't. Better he's angry than hurt or worse because his dad is driving drunk. He'll adjust again....at least back with you it's not new people, I'm assuming he has friends there.

    Once both kids are back with you, I would consider adjusting your custody arrangment officially. Get affidavits from Sniper and X1's family stating that X1 has driven drunk with Sniper in the car and request supervised visits until X1 can prove he is sober. He's the only one who can change and maybe the possibility of losing his kids would be enough to do it. Heck, get a restraining order if necessary but definately make things so X1 can not see the kids unsupervised.

    Hugs. Hope the week goes as easy as possible.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are totally NOT overreacting! I would have kept the kids and called the police. No way would I have let him take my kid anywhere.

    I take a very hard line on this because I have seen the agony caused by drunk drivers from both sides. My bro was driving home from a dinner at a restaurant about an hour away with 2 family friends. They were hit by a drunk college student. It was bad enough to make it into Real Life Stories of the Highway Patrol. He endured several YEARS of pain and surgeries.

    Ironically my bro is an alcoholic. He was sober that night - more of a binge drinker at that time. He later amassed several alcohol related felonies. He also drove my dad's truck into his HOUSE in the week between arrests. The arrests, court dates, etc... all sent my mother into a nervous breakdown. She totally fell apart.

    It is just ugly what alcohol and drunk driving can do. If there is ANY way to go get your son early, do so. If your X1 drives drunk over long distances he is also probably driving drunk over short distances.

    Contact your attorney to see how best to protect your children. Supervised visitation (paid for by HIM - make sure this is put into the order) is the LEAST you should ask for. I would try to get a breathalyzer test done before he can see the kids at each visit.

    If you think he is driving drunk again, please call the police and report him. Give his tag number, make, model and color of his car, and if a child is in the car tell them this also.

    It may very well take losing his kids AND jail to make him hit bottom. Prepare yourself to handle the situation if he doesn't get sober after that. You cannot change him.

    Both you and Sniper (at the very least, possibly also Sprite) should start attending AlAnon. Sniper can go to Alateen. These will help you in more ways than you can even know.

    When a family member is an alcoholic the entire family learns unhealthy ways to handle the situation. Alanon and Alateen are designed to help you and your teens develop ways to stay safe and learn healthier behaviors. It really is worth the time and effort. Even if you have to bribe Sniper or drag him kicking and screaming.

    FWIW, going to alanon/alateen will also help you in court if there is a hearing or custody battle.

    Sorry you have to cope with this.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    The best thing you could do for your son (and daughter) is to keep him as far away from X1 as possible. You shouldn't have any trouble getting a RO against him for the stunt he pulled. I shudder to think what might happen the next time he's on the road.
  5. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! This helps to solidify my position on the matter and strengthens my resolve! I needed that. Everyone is so confused about this sudden turn of events but its a wake up call and yes hopefully the rest of the week will go smoothly and if X1 gives me any **** about this next Saturday I'll call the police. I appreciate you guys letting me vent.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Your first and most important responsibility is to keep your children safe and to advocate for them. Keep saying that over and over when dealing with X1.

    I would go through proper legal channels to have full temporary custody of the kids. When he has gotten help for his drinking problem then you both can revisit the issue of custody.

    I'm sorry for your son. It's an ugly thing to do to a 14yr old but x1 did it and all you can do is try to pick up the pieces of ex's mess.
    If husband is angry tell him it's not permanent but until he gets help.
    Absolutely call the police if he is driving with the children and he is drunk. The kids need you to speak for them.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    No, you are not overreacting. I remember when they really started taking a hard line on this in my state and a woman was charged with child endangerment because she was driving drunk with her 2 kids in the car.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would have called the police. My kids would not be getting into the car with a drunk man, be it their father or anyone. And I wouldn't worry about court orders. He could have killed them. He needs a lot of help and shouldn't have custody of either child.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Overreacting! NO WAY! You HAVE to keep your kids safe - they rely on you to do so.

    In fact, you would be doing X1 a favor by preventing him from harming his children in some way or somebody else. So - do not hesitate - you are totally doing the right thing - for EVERYONE involved.