OMG So Now We Know!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Aug 28, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Stepgfg sent me this email about an hour ago:

    You know. I know I could be very, very wrong. I could be the world's biggest sucker. But I think she's being honest. I think she's scared to death and reaching out for help.

    I need opinions ladies. I did NOT expect that question. I feel like I've been run over with a train. At one time this girl thought I wanted to take her kids from her.

    Detachment 101 went right out the d@mn window. And I told her yes, if something were to happen I'd do what I could to help her husband with the kids. My God. So now we know what prompted contact.

    But what was I supposed to tell her. No dear. You reached out for nothing? I may be the biggest fool this side of the Mississippi, but I just couldn't do it. I was myself in that spot not so many years ago, wondering if I'd survive to see my kids grow up......Now that they are grown that burden isn't so heavy. But then it was the weight of the world.

    I did ask point blank what the condition is called. Stepgfg has never been one for big words. But I thought it was worth a shot. If nothing else, I'm good at research.

    Kayla and Alex are supposed to email me. Or chat with me on messanger.

    Ok. I'm weak. I admit it. Dammit to heck, I love this kid. ARGH

    But I do see alot of maturity in her email. Tons compared to when she was here. I am hoping that is a good sign.

    Ok. Help. Detachment is crumbling major..........:faint:
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'd stay guarded until she gives you the name of the condition. If she can't remember it or spell it, ask her to call her doctor, write it down, then email you with it. Just tell her you'd like to look it up and do some research.

    If I got that, detachment would go right out the window, too.

  3. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Lisa,
    what a terrible position for you to be in! I don't think anyone here would judge you for "crumbling"! I read the email reply in your other post as well as this one. I don't know, difficult child sounds so much like my difficult child--very sincere, contrite, etc. But, with my difficult child it turns out to just be words--the actions don't fit with the words or there are holes and gaps that don't make sense. I would certainly stay very wary and keep my guard up. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and that it is so confusing.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    In the light of a new day...............

    If stepgfg is scamming, I can pull back and detach again.

    It's not like I have to worry about helping with money and the like cuz we've got none to spare to help with. We're making it by the skin of our teeth ourselves.

    And I am still being wary and on guard. But for the moment stepgfg has been open enough on several things that I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. As for the name of the disorder........Well, I'm a trained nurse and for years couldn't say or spell my disease. So it's possible. I can be a nag when necessary. And I did ask about it again. And I'd would like to research it.

    Sneaky me asked for homework from the kids. Nana wants to hang it on her frig. Drawings can be faked. emails could be faked.....although I'd probably see thru it, stepgfg isn't much better at lying than her Dad. But homework couldn't be faked. :D Sneaky. Comes from being surrounded by so many difficult children. lol And all sending homework requires is a stamp and envelope. :D

    Still am wondering about bio Mom though. Her emails give the impression of no relationship, yet she has her listed on myspace as her hero. Odd.

    So maybe I didn't crumble too badly last night. I'm still able to be suspicious.:tongue: Only we parents of difficult children, huh?
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I too would be at least giving the benefit of the doubt that this is a sincere email. Push the brain problem issue. Get more info. Tell her you need it for the kiddos down the road, whatever it takes to find out if there is one.
    And maybe its ok to let you're gaurd down a little.
    Time has passed. A lot of it. She didn't back off to the girls' very pointed emails, things MAY have changed. Nothing ventured, nothing gained at this point.
    My .02.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think you made a good decision (now this is coming from someone whos oldest is 12, lol). There is nothing wrong with telling her you would help with the kids if she died. I really do not think a difficult child could fake their own death, I mean they would not get any attention anymore as they would not be arround to get it. I hope she is sincere, and that she has grown up. Sometimes just growing up can do wonders. I was horrific in high school, and not too great there after. I partied a lot, and it was all about me. My wake up call was when I had kids. Many people have a wake up call, and it is different for all of us.

    Good luck, and I hope she is sincere. I would try to stay a little detached untill definitive proof comes. Homework or school pics, whatever it is.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    The way our kids treat us is somewhere between crazy and hopeful. There was a story years ago about a little girl who walked through the woods in the ice and snow, and came across a snake. She knew snakes were dangerous, but the snake was frozen & shivering and begged her for help. The little girl picked the snake up and stuck it under her coat close to her heart to warm it. Hours later when the snake had warmed up the little girl suffered a lethal bite. Upon being bitten the little girl cried "Why did you bite me? I saved you, I was good to you." and the snake hissed "You KNEW what I wasssss when you picked me up."

    And I think about that when I deal with Dude - lately I would rather just not talk about him or hoped he didnt' visit. Its' stressful - yet when he calls I'm SO wanting to just see him/be a part of his life, see how he is I forget - he IS what he ISsssssssssssssss.

    I'm sorry - I don't trust your step kid, and until I actually got verification on a doctors receipt or from a doctor? Nada. She KNOWS those children are you heart. Keep in mind - if this is a manipulation and she's just trying to get in with you and the kids - OF COURSE a brain disorder would be the BIGGEST thing to make you all feel sorry for her, take her back and take in the kids....I see it moving from - I'm dying, I dont' feel well today can you take the kids for a week I'm partying my eskimo pie off and have a good sitter.

    My spidey sense has come full circle with a lot of people - and maybe it's that she has worn out her welcome and exhausted her bag of tricks where she is - so in her mind she figures it's been long enough to come back around - "BUT HOW"????

    Tell her you want to do research on her disorder and ask her if you can get permission to talk to her doctors nurse about what is going on so you can get a better idea of what, how, how long, progression etc.

    I'm so sorry - but after the hurt you all have suffered - I would be SO much more cautious without guilt of making her prove herself and her words. And I'd make NO bones about it - you lied, I dont' believe you and NOW you must prove yourself to me. Even if it's a brain disorder. Because in my mind - if there IS a possibility that she is going to be of diminished capacity ? YOU REALLY ALL NEED TO SEE AN ATTORNEY and iron out her wishes NOW......not when she looses her cognitive abilities -

    And for that? You WANT/NEED proof.

    I too - like you - want to think that this is a reunion but I SO can see her getting you hooked up with taking care of the kids now and having a miraculous recovery and then you have two sets of wanting eyes, and loving little hands to detach from? Yeah - you're like me it's not gonna happen once you see K & A again? You won't detach - you're hooked and if there IS drama? You're right back in it again......and this time asked for it.

    Just be careful......
    Hate to be cynical - but you live longer in peace that way.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Lisa}} I don't blame you for what you're feeling. I'd be feeling it to!

    But I do agree with Star - I'm a skeptic as well and it's all due to my own dealings with my own difficult child.

    Best of luck. It's difficult to say I hope what she's saying is true because that would mean she's dying...but I do hope this all works out for you and your heart doesn't get broken and you get to see those kiddos.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Thank you. I knew I could count on you to be my rock. You're right, last thing I want is to walk back into that drama, let alone dive head first into it.

    You're right about the diagnosis. She can do what I had to do and have the doctor write it down for her. If there is a diagnosis, she should have some sort of treatment, even pallative care. There won't be any kid watching until this diagnosis and stuff is varified. Could be she is being vague because she knows easy child and I'd see thru anything elaborate. Honestly, I don't know that there would be any kid watching period. There is no money to get to her. Sometimes being flat broke is a good thing.

    Long sigh here.

    Worst part of it all is that if I feel I'm being manipulated I can play along without buying in. Had to do it too much with my mom. Although I know I could detach rapidly again if it came to it. I survived the first time. I can again. Just stinks to high heaven it even has to be considered.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Right now, the only thing she has asked is that you help her husband with the kids IF she dies. I can't imagine any grandmother with her salt saying no to that one. It is the right thing to do. That simple.

    Yes, some of what she wrote screams of manipulation -- especially all the junk about looking up to you. You don't bad mouth someone, ignore them for years and say you admired them. That's hogwash, pure and simple.

    I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for those emails, IMs, pics, etc. It sounds good and she may be sincere but I wouldn't buy into it too much. Not worth getting disappointed about when they don't happen.

    So, I think you're doing the right thing all the way around. You've said you would help and I'm sure if that day comes, you'll be happy to help all you can while being devastated for the reason behind it. You are taking everything she says with a large grain of salt.

    Personally, I wouldn't care about her diagnosis. It has absolutely no relevancy to anything that has been said. I'd ask her what she had to be able to do some research so that I could get an idea of what I'm looking at. If she didn't give it to me, I wouldn't particularly worry about it. You'd help with your grandkids regardless of why. You're in no position to help financially even if you wanted to.

    So, you're doing the right thing for all the right reasons. At least contact is bieng made. Sadly, time well tell how true her words are. I hope you do get contact with the grandkids. I hope she is lying about her condition. No one deserves to have that kind of cloud hanging over their heads.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...God I hate to even say this but all I can think is this screams out to me BORDERLINE manipulation! I really hope with my very being that I am dont know how badly I hope I am wrong. (Actually...maybe being wrong wouldnt be bad because then she wouldnt be dying?)

    I used to frequent this message board for borderlines and there was this person on there that was a frequent poster. Everyone was great friends with them. Out of the blue this person suddenly started telling everyone how they had been feeling bad and gone to the doctor. After a series of tests were run the awful diagnosis came back as the dreaded brain tumor...inoperable. This poor woman had a 10 year old daughter and was a single mom with no family. Dad had left her long ago and she had no clue where he was. The board was so worried about her. People started consoling her, she thrived on the attention. The board practically lived and breathed for months with her as she went thru chemo and radiation and all that jazz and she got sicker and sicker. Oh and what was to become of that dear child? A fund was to be set up through Paypal to take care of the kid. One member of the board even offered to become the childs guardian. Can you guess the rest? It was all a hoax. Thankfully I didnt get as caught up in it as most folks because I smelled something funny and I sure didnt send money because I had none but tons of people got taken.
  12. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    That's quite an email. It may be the biggest manipulation ever but, for now, I'd take it as written -- she accepts responsibility for her actions. She brings you up to date on her family. She says how much she admires you and basically hints that she will want some advice from you.

    Advice you can give her. Understanding and caring has always been there for her.

    Time will tell how much is manipulation, how much is real. It is wise to keep your guard up. You'd be foolish not to. As you've said, you do still love her. Her foolishness (and possible borderline diagnosis -- Janet does have a point) is, sadly, a part of her but you're aware of it. So, do what you can, keep the guard up the best you can, help where you can. I hope she's being sincere -- more for her sake than anyone else's. If she's not, she'll lose so much. If she is, she will gain so much.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    OK, I'm answering right off the bat, so I may be off base on what I'm saying, not having read more than your first post.

    I know that the detachment is going out the window, but I would probably have said "yes" I'd help with the kids, too. But I think you also need to tell her that your input will be proportionate to the level of honesty she maintains with you throughout that time, should the time come. It's nice to have a letter and a picture or two, but that's not a relationship, and that's not trust. At this point, proportionately, she would have earned a dinner at my house. Period.

    OK, was I the only one who saw this and wondered how much of a Freudian slip it was?

    I think that the amount of time that she has been lying is a miracle, too.

    P. S. (read the rest) Meowbunny makes some excellent points. Her health is irrelevant to the rest of it. And it seems insincere to say "I looked up to you as a mom." Maybe "I realize now how stupid and difficult I was. I'm sorry."

    Janet has a point, too. It wouldn't be the first time someone cried "I'm dying" to get a fund set up for them.

    Who was it that was going to drive by her place? It's about time to do that and see what kind of a sty she's in. I would also send her some self addressed stamped envelopes big enough for photos and homework. She needs to put her money where her mouth is. Or her records where mouth is, if you know what I mean.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2008
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I offered the drive by. Chances are, she's not far away (I'm in MO) and a roadtrip would do my soul good right now. I love to drive.

    Heck, I'd deliver a pizza. I'd buy it.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, hopefully you and Lisa can PM each other and exchange the address. You'll probably know from the address alone whether it is in a nice neighborhood or a fleabag motel on the strip.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    MB No, I don't fall for all the so called idolization of me. I don't fall for that sort of flowery praise. Reminds me of "Mommy I love you so much, you're the best Mommy in the world........can I have...." Didn't work when she was a kid, either.

    Janet you could be right. And thankfully, I have no money to spare. And most likely wouldn't send it if I did.

    Stepgfg has yet to realize what a huge impact what she did had, and not just with her. My kids will tell you I don't loan them money. They all know once they move out that door there is no moving back. Stepgfg is a huge part of that. What she did only greatly re-enforced what my grandmother had taught me.

    Stepgfg has always had a huge tendancy to Poor Pity Me syndrome. I know that, knew it when I wrote the first email. She also has a stong inclination to exaggerate, especially if it suits her purpose. I even know I might be dealing with heavy duty mental illness. (bioMom also suspected it)

    Borderline. Hmm. I dunno. Possible.

    Been doing some heavy duty thinking today. Hellova a way to spend your 25th wedding anniversary. husband and I are talking. He hasn't talked about his daughter since she left. He too, is my rock of skepticism. And since he and stepgfg are nearly carbon copies of each other in personality........I listen to what he thinks and consider it.

    I've been burned once. I won't let it happen again.

    It's just her request threw me for a loop. Last thing in the world I expected. I did only offer help IF she dies. Did not offer help under any other circumstances. MB you're right. Even if it meant me being hurt in the long run, I couldn't do anything else. I have to be the person I am too. And I know I couldn't tolerate the thought of those kids losing their mother, needing family, and not being there for them. I'd never be able to live with myself.

    Not counting on emails or anything else from the kids. We'll see what we see. I'm a pessimist at heart. You don't get hurt as much that way.

    Your input into this helps so much. Lord knows I don't want to have to take Detachment 101 and 102 over again.:faint:
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Witz...I completely missed How funny.

    Does anyone remember the Law and Order SVU episode where Sally Fields played the grandmother to the little girl who supposedly had leukemia? The episode was really a play on Micheal Jackson and his thing for kids but they made up some character who was a big tv star and got kids to come play at his house and molested them. Sally Fields and this grand daughter came into the picture because she claimed abuse of this supposedly "sick" kid. It ended up kid wasnt sick and grandma was making her sick with drugs. All to get money and sympathy.
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. Somehow I missed alot of replies as I was replying. lol

    Witz, good point on the possible Freudian slip. And Shari, I PMed you about the drive by. (I hope it went thru, the page locked up on me) lol Sounds like we're planning a shooting or something. (lack of sleep gives me a werid sense of humor)

    No address yet. Though.
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I thought the same thing.

    No shootings being offered, I promise!
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hate to be a nasty witch with a b, in my humble opinion, it's not that she doesn't realize, she just doesn't care. I doubt she ever will.