Open Mouth Insert Foot Chew and Swallow (a vent)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by pasajes4, Sep 24, 2014.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I made the mistake of voicing my opinion at a support group meeting. I don't usually say too much and I am certainly no expert on parenting an adult child who has a mental illness. Last night I chose to speak up and made the mistake of saying that despite a person having a mental illness they have a responsibility to help themselves as much as possible. That allowing them to live at home and wallow in their misery and constantly dumping their anguish on us is not doing anyone a favor. This was not met very favorably. I left feeling like a monster.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    You monster you! LOL

    Why is it that people think that because someone has a health issue they shouldn't be responsible for anything. I have a friend like that. She has already determined that her son and daughter will need lifelong assistance and will never be able to have real jobs. These kids are both able to attend regular schools and are in regular classes with other kids. Yes they have some social issues but if they can attend school without major intervention they can perform a skill.

    Same thing with people who have medical issues and think they should never have to do anything that everyone else should take care of them. UMMMM NOOOO! Get off your butt and help yourself or atleast make an effort dont just lay around expecting the world to wait on you hand and foot.

    Now before I get blasted this is obviously not meant to be for severe mental and medical disabilities. I don't expect the guy with the mind of a 2 year old to become a responsible adult. Nor do I expect the parapalegic kid with brain damage to become a functioning employee.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I agree.
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I agree too.

    Well done for speaking up.

    Find a different support group that is more open and more realistic.
  5. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    The reason there are support group meetings is for people to go and, yes, offer support but also, to get other's opinions about their situations. If people don't want your opinions, they shouldn't be coming to the group. You were doing what you were meant to do. You shouldn't feel bad about that. And on top of that, I believe you were right. Just because somebody has a disability of whatever kind, that doesn't mean that they should just be left alone to wallow in that disability. People need to be held responsible for as much as they are able to be responsible for. Just using the disability as an excuse doesn't help anybody.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's supposed to be a safe environment in a support group, it sure doesn't sound like it was safe for you to voice your opinions.

    We've been through so much, all of us weary parents, I'm sorry you had to go through that on top of having to deal with your difficult child too.

    Perhaps quitting that group and finding one that is supportive and understanding and open to different views..........and making sure you are very kind to yourself now to balance out what happened to you last night.
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Sorry you had a bad experience. I think it is a universal nature of the support groups. Matters at hand tend to be sensitive and cause of big feelings. Because of that sensitivity, people take offence easily and hear criticism pointed to them, where it is not even intended.

    Every group have their own truths and differing opinions are not welcomed and are easily perceived as an attack or trolling.

    I have never seen a support group, in real life or online, where this wouldn't be true.

    Try to find a support group, where 'gospel of the group' is closer to how you feel or if you do get something out of that group and want to continue going, be very careful in voicing your opinions.

    It is how it is, support groups are not places, where differing point of views are much appreciated.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I have a friend who works in a group hope for people who have mental illness. These people are functional, they have jobs. A man once had a fit of rage and tore the railing out of the wall. She filed a police report and he had to go to court. My point is, just because a person has a mental illness that doesn't excuse them. That doesn't automatically qualify them for a free pass on life. Those people shouldn't lower their expectations for their loved one. If anything, the opposite is true. You were totally in the right. I work with learning disabled children, it would be easy on all of us if I thought these kids are behind the 8 ball, so lets leave them there. Heck no, we bust our tail every day helping these kids to get where they need to be, we have high expectations for them, they need more help, maybe some will never get there all the way, but we never stop. You were trying to help them, ignorance is bliss for some.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Definitely not a monster! I happen to agree with your opinion but even if I didn't people should be allowed to have differing opinions in a safe manner.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I take it that it wasn't a twelve step group. I"ve been to meetings of various kinds since age thirty and that hasn't happened, but it is always a risk to voice how you feel. If you are in a group of people who have never experienced what you have, it can sound insensitive. Some people who are mentally ill (in fact most) are not criminals, do not steal from us, and don't break the law.

    Also, there are some people who truly believe it is their duty to take care of a mentally ill child forever, until they die. They are eighty and taking care of a sixty year old "child" and have never lived a life at all. That is a decision any of us can make.They forget that there are outside helpers and that they can't live forever and that they are not prepping their adult child for the day when he will be alone. Then what???

    Obviously, this group isn't for you. Not all groups are a fit for everybody. I've quit some groups, especially when I felt no connection with t he others in it. I have been in groups for people with Depressive Disorder that made me feel that the majority of people in it weren't trying very hard to get better, so I didn't feel they could help me move forward. I have found groups for Depression where almost everyone is committed to getting well. That was always a good fit for me as so was I.

    Don't feel bad about this group. Move on to a different one (maybe Twelve Step) or find a private therapist if you don't like groups. I like Twelve Step because they don't interrupt you and there is commenting but there isn't supposed to be judging. It is more instructive than crosstalk. After the meeting people do make friends and talk, but nobody interrupts or criticizes another during the meetings. At least, in a good group they shouldn't. I feel safe there because I know that they feel the same way I do.

    Anyhow, I wouldn't go back to that group. No group should call you names or make you feel bad. Was there a facilitator or was it self-help?
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am very new to speaking up. I am learning. MWM, this is not a 12 step group. It is Christian based and open to anyone. This experience has given me a great deal to think about as far as my own recovery and my own shortcomings in the sensitivity department. I tend to be either overly empathetic or not at all.
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I don't feel you were being insensitive. I think you were stating your opinion. They didn't seem to be very empathetic about it.
  13. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I think it is almost impossible to say a differing opinion in things like this without people taking it wrong. They will feel that you are either telling them, that they are causing their loved one issues, by doing too much/wrong things, or they will feel, you don't really appreciate their loved one's complex situation or other way around they will feel you are accusing them of not loving their loved one enough or doing enough for them if they are more in the detachment camp and you are not.

    I doubt people too often mean it like that, but that is how people hear it.

    To be honest, few people really appreciate hearing differing opinions that don't fit on how they think, when it comes to anything important. Hey, many don't like to hear even differing political point of views, it is no wonder that even less on wants to hear different opinions about anything more personal or sensitive. I think most people go to support group to hear they are doing right things, are doing it fine and no one would do it any differently and are great people. And let's face it, when life is hard, those are the things people often actually need to hear.
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I have so much to learn.
  15. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I don't know how much effort you want to put into this matter, but this could be an opportunity for the group to be educated about support group protocol & what makes a group an inviting one to attend
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I don't think I am a good fit for this group.
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Yes, You might not be a good fit for the group, and that's ok. It's sad that adults can't accept a different viewpoint. Many, many times if people were just patient and able to be neutral, they would learn something. It sounds were looking for support, expressed your sincere viewpoint and it went poorly. But, you did NOT do anything wrong. Good thoughts that you can find a more like minded group that is able to offer you the support you need and deserve. Blessings.