over the top anxiety over late family x-mas

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Liv_on_sunset, Jan 19, 2018.

  1. Liv_on_sunset

    Liv_on_sunset New Member

    So tomorrow Im going back home for xmas. I should be happy and looking forward to it but instead Im mentally and emotionally shot already. My 26 yr old homeless son ended up back there about a yr ago and has made everyones life chaos since. His dad insisted on paying his way back to help him out (once again). That all went south pretty quick. dad is a piece of work himself and the rest is just as you can imagine. Fights,cops, jail time (both of them) the works. My son has had so many "fresh starts" compliments of family,friends and community programs but each time ruins it.

    Ive been stressing over this visit because how do I go see everyone plus him? My parents have long ago cut ties with him and my daughter wont let him come to her house either. I literally picture myself driving around to find him. He knows Im coming,he contacts me through messenger (he uses the library computers) and I told him, maybe shouldnt have but couldnt bring myself to not tell. It was always our thing to go out and eat when I visited and he asked if we could,I said yes. Im struggling with the vision of me taking him to eat, the emotions of seeing him homeless and then dropping him off somewhere out in the cold to sleep where ever and I go backto my parents warm home. Uggh!! and chances are my parents will give me the guilt trip for interrupting the time with them to go see him.If Ihad the money Id probably get a motel to stay in with him for the two nights Im there ut Idont have it.Im feeling so torn. Im from a pretty small town and there arent any shelters. A few places for daytime meals but no sleeping places. Im just dreading this and nobody to talk to.

    Has anyone had to deal with a situation like this? gratefulfor any encouragement.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just thoughts

    Your son is ostracized from the family because he hurt them, maybe abused them maybe stole from them and, like you said he causes chaos. HE does these things, not anyone but himself. You have a warm place to sleep but you wouldn't if you screamed at your parents, abused them, broke the law and caused mayham. Yes, it is hard to accept but your son is a grown man now and he is responsible for his deeds. He was offered lots of help and apparently didn't care enough about the warm bed to follow the rules. Whose fault is that? Nobody but a loving mom will put up with a 26 year old throwing tantrums and breaking the law and blowing chances to do better.
    Would you, if he were not your son?

    You do what you need to do. You are also an adult and don't need parental approval. If you want to take son to eat, you can, and yes it will be hard to drop him off outside. But I bet you care more about this than him. If he cared that much he would follow societal rules and would have somewhere warm. If he is a drug addict all they really care about is the drug. The cold is no big deal except to us. Most addicts don't eat much but there are food pantries, food kitchens and food cards. My daughter rarely ate when using. She looked like a skeleten and that is not her normal body weight.

    You can not love any grown man to wellness, not even your son.

    Having said all that, do what you need to do and don't engage about it with others, even family. "this is my choice and I don't wish to discuss it." Then don't. If they keep it up take refuge somewhere. A walk. A bedroom. Don't justify.

    If you feel it will be too painful to see son you don't have to. We are allowed to change our minds. They are no longer six and lie to us. We can have an honest change of heart no matter how they throw a toddler tantrum. Your own health and sanity are important too.

    Are you in therapy to learn to cope better?

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2018
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm sorry I'm late coming in on this. Been off the site for a couple of days.

    I'm sorry your heart is hurting. My son sounds very much like yours. Mine is currently doing 2 years in prison but before he was arrested he was and has been homeless. He too will find people who he can manipulate then his true colors come out and he burns another bridge. My husband and I also gave our son numerous 2nd chances trying to help him.

    I know it's hard to accept that your son has chosen to live his life the way he has but remember, these are HIS choices. I do not blame your family for being done with him.
    If your parents don't like you spending time with him, that's on them. If they say anything about it you could tell them something like "He's my son, I love him and I wanted to see him. End of discussion"
    If they want to discuss it further you could tell them something like "I'm here with you now and want to spend time enjoying your company and discussing "son" is not enjoyable"

    Hold your head high. You did not create the chaotic mess, your son did. That's on him not you.

    I hope you are able to have nice visit with your family, son included. When you watch him walk away to go back to his "homeless" life, remember, it's HIS choice to live that way.

    Please post again and let us know how things went.

    ((HUGS)) to you............
     
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  4. Liv_on_sunset

    Liv_on_sunset New Member

    Hello and thank you for reading and commenting. You are so so right. The visit went better than expected. Took my daughter, the two grandkids and my son out to eat. My mom texted that he could stay with us while Im in town which I didnt expect. It made me kind of anxious because how to just bring him and then drop him off? But I mentioned it to him and he just said ok, and you can drop me off afterwards where my sleeping bag is stashed. So thats what I did. Its just the weirdest thing. He doesnt look homeless. He told us about people hes met at the one shelter there is, some of the stories kind of humorous. He goes there to eat but sleeps outside. He played with his niece and nephew (my grandkids) and it was almost like things were normal. But, at least I saw him. He says hes going to start applying tojobs once he gets his Id's as his were all stolen. When he lived in Seattle he had his name legally changed and needed paperwork to state that or whatever so his caseworker has been helping get that in order.So thats that.

    Thank you for caring, and giving good solid advice. Bless you :)
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so happy to hear the visit went so well. We really love for the peaceful and enjoyable times. There can be few and far between which makes them all the more precious.
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad your visit was nice. One thing that I have learned over time is to try and not project out too much how I see an outcome. For one, it's a huge waste of energy and two, most times I would get it wrong.
    I have also learned that being homeless is not the end of the world. The homeless community actually network together and help each other. Yes, there are some that don't and will steal everything you have but mostly they work together to survive.
    I'm glad that your son plans on looking for work. I wish him well.

    Thanks for sharing an update with us.