Parking tickets arrived in the mail

[Sue C]

Yesterday an envelope arrived in the mail addressed to husband. It contained 3 parking tickets from Melissa's former college. Her car is titled in HIS name so the tickets are HIS! He was so angry!! He confronted Melissa. Her response: "I have another ticket in my car." :grrr:

husband said you have to pay for these tickets. Melissa said I don't have a job yet. The tickets are due March 3rd. Now husband is stuck paying for them, and we'll have to make out an I.O.U. for Melissa to pay us back but we know she won't. Makes me angry, too. :frown:

This seems to be a situation where we are helpless. The tickets must be paid. Melissa probably won't pay us back. We can't make her pay us back.

I talked to husband again about setting a deadline for her to move out. He said he knows she would not leave and that he would not want the police involved. So...she remains here and we are captive???? For how long? Forever? This is not right!!!

Sue

 

[everywoman]

Sue,
It is some time for some harsh realities. She knows that ya'll will continue to play her game, so she keeps upping the ante. It's time to stop playing. Is she paying for the car, the inurance?? How is it her car if it is in husband's name? If she were in my house, until she paid for the tickets, the car would no longer be available to drive. I understand that she is having a hard time finding the "right" job, but at this point any job will just have to do. She is getting everything she wants and it will continue until you and husband make a solid stand. She will continue to control the situation as long as you let her.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> She is getting everything she wants and it will continue until you and husband make a solid stand. She will continue to control the situation as long as you let her. </div></div>

Yep.

Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I am so there with this statement:"She is getting everything she wants and it will continue until you and husband make a solid stand. She will continue to control the situation as long as you let her."

Only in my case its a he not a she. husband isnt taking a stand with Cory he only blusters and yells which doesnt do a bit of good. I am so done with the situation. If it was up to me, he would be out. As it stands, I am ready to move out and leave the whole friggen house to them to deal with.

 

[Sue C]

Ladies -- I am at the point of tears. I know Melissa is getting everything she wants. I want to take a solid stand. husband does not. I reminded him yesterday how we threw Angela out at age 19 and here Melissa is at age 21 and we are so frustrated with the situation...why do we put up with it? His response was that when we threw Angela out, she left on her own. He said he knows Melissa would not leave.

We did both scream at her not long ago to leave. She got into her car and sat there. Then she started beeping the horn. She finally got out, screaming and swearing at us (for the neighborhood to hear, of course), ran into the house, and locked herself into the bathroom for hours. She said we couldn't make her leave.

I tried telling husband that Melissa has all the power, and he said I don't want to hear anything about that "power cr*p." (A counselor once talked to us about it in regard to Angela having all the power way back when.)

The car is in husband's name because the insurance is cheaper that way, and we are paying the insurance. Yes, we pay for it. I know, dumb. But that was because she was going to school. I told husband that once she gets a job, she needs to pay for her own car insurance and for her cell phone. He says first let her work on paying up her credit card bills (which are astronomical for a 21 yr old) and her student loans which will begin soon.

The car is a 1992 and it was only $500. There are no payments on it for Melissa to make. (I know, she could be paying us back, but I know it won't happen.)

I know she needs to take ANY job she can get, but she won't do it. How do we MAKE her take any old job????? We are powerless unless we make her move out, and husband won't go that route.

husband and I spoiled Melissa. We know that we made a BIG mistake, but we can't go back and change that. How I wish we could.

Janet -- I told husband one day that if Melissa won't move out, then WE should move out and leave her there all alone. (I know this doesn't make sense, but it popped into my head.)

Sue

 

[PonyGirl]

Okay Sue, here ya go! You too, Janet!
:hammer:
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">husband isnt taking a stand with Cory he only blusters and yells which doesnt do a bit of good. I am so done with the situation. If it was up to me, he would be out. As it stands, I am ready to move out and leave the whole friggen house to them to deal with. </div></div>
:warrior:
There's room here at the PonyGirl mansion!! I say let the men fend for themselves!!

Peace

 

[fedup]

I understand the situation, Sue. I'm in a similar one. Hubby is all talk and no action. He gives out money to difficult child without even considering what it does to our already tight budget. Then, difficult child goes and gets himself in another fix. difficult child got 2 tickets this morning.

difficult child may have had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and he did go, but he only saw the Dr. for a bare 30 minutes. I doubt the Dr. even realizes he smokes marijuana and drinks excessively. He has another appointment next month. The Dr. upped his Xanax and gave him a trial of Depakote. Of course, difficult child lost most of the Xanax within less than 24 hours. He has 8 pills of 60 left.

I did take difficult child to pick up his car- he had run out of gas, and pulled it off the road- into a city fenceline. So, off to court for the tickets as well as the hullaballoo last week.

Ponygirl, please send your address, I'd like to head out soon!
:smile:

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">husband and I spoiled Melissa. We know that we made a BIG mistake, but we can't go back and change that. How I wish we could. </div></div>

That's true. You can't go back. But you CAN stop spoiling her going forward and now is the perfect time to start...with these parking tickets. Trouble is, you can't be the only one wanting to enforce things.

I don't know what to tell you, Sue. I know you are upset. This is the way it has been for as long as I've known you. Your husband occasionally makes sounds like he's fed up and things will change but they never do.

So now what? I'm not sure what you want from us. Sometimes it sounds like you want advice but if it's advice you don't want to hear it seems to upset you more.

If you just want to vent and have us sympathize we can do that. But you need to tell us what we can do to help YOU.

Suz

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Of course, difficult child lost most of the Xanax within less than 24 hours. He has 8 pills of 60 left.
</div></div>

Lost?

Hmmm........

Fedup, there's a huge market out there for Xanax. Any possibility that he sold them? Seems very suspicious to me.

Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

LMAO....Oh Cory can beat any of your ticket stories. The boy has no license, has some car he bought of some guy in the town next to us, there is no title for the car but there are tags on it and evidently still insurance on it, but...Cory has been pulled or stopped in road blocks 6 times in the last 5 weeks in 3 different states! NC, SC, and TN. He has walked away with tickets in everyone of them. Speeding and no operators license are most of the tickets. I havent been pulled 6 times in my life! I think I have been pulled twice...no make that three times and one was Corys fault. The child pulled off his restraint belts and stood up in his carseat and waved at the cop behind us! This was right after I had pulled into a parking lot to put him BACK into the carseat for doing the same blasted thing. He was a houdini. Cop told me he would whip him 25 times for every dollar it was gonna cost me...lmao.

Im serious about leaving this house to Cory. I want to move up to where Jamie lives. I hate where I live. My house is trashed and falling apart. It wont last forever because its a mobile home. I figure let him do with it what he may. husband is not on the same page with me but oh well.

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sue C</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> So...she remains here and we are captive???? For how long? Forever? This is not right!!!

Sue</div></div>

I know this is not easy and it's hard to throw our difficult child's out, but this will continue forever if you allow it. I think at this point I would be very seriously telling husband that if she doesn't go, you will!! It sounds like the worse thing is that husband doesn't believe she can do anything for herself, so it's easier just to continue to do it all for her. You'd be amazed at what they can do for themselves when they have too. Tell her she has to leave, change the locks and if she wants to sit in the driveway and blow the horn, no wait a minute, lock the car doors and take the keys, then she won't have a horn to beep, so if she wants to stand outside and scream and swear, let her do it until the neighbors call the police.

She is calling all the shots and getting away with it. She will not change anything until she is forced too.

 

[everywoman]

Ditto to what Suz said in both posts.

Sue C.---Please don't think I'm critizing. I've been there done that. I made excuses for difficult child for years. It wasn't until I took a stand that he began to get his life together. It took husband much longer to get fed up. I He knew I would move out. He tried that ranting and raving one night. I called 911. The cops told him he had two choices, either live by my rules or leave my house. He chose, for a short while, to live by my rules. After he turned 18, it got bad again. finally told husband that I was moving or difficult child was moving, but I would no longer live in the same house with him. Even after he left, it took a while for him to get straight. He lived in squalor. He was actively abusing drugs. He wouldn't work and resorted to stealing what he needed from whoever had what he needed. It broke my heart, but it was what needed to happen.

PCdaughter is spoiled rotten. She will tell you that. She is a brat. She will also tell you that. She gets anything and everything she wants from husband---she just has to bat her blue eyes and he melts. But, she would never scream and curse at either of us, and if she did, that brand new Pontiac G6 would be parked indefinitely. She appreciates everything we do. She is going to college and working 15-25 hours a week---and she is only 17.

You need to institute Fran's rule of "do to get." It's a concept that Melissa needs to learn in order to function independently in the world. You only get, if you are contributing to your own life.

 

[Sue C]

Suz -- What do I want from you all? Comfort, understanding, a hug, a place to vent, unconditional love. We cannot leave the parking tickets for Melissa to pay. They are in husband's name. He must pay them or he will get in trouble (whatever happens to you if you don't, I don't know what that is). Yes, she needs to pay them but she won't. We can TRY to get the money back from her. That's all we can do. husband seems to think once she gets a job, she is miraculously going to improve. I don't see it.

Everyone's advice is good (and I don't mind hearing advice), but if husband is not willing to get on the same page as me, it is not helpful. Leaving my husband is not an option. I love him and do not want to leave him. I do not even want to leave him temporarily; and even if I did, I have no job and no money to do so.

I want to be able to come to the Board and post my feelings, what I'm going through, my cry for help, even if I can't take all your advice. I need to talk about these things to you guys. I have no one else to talk to. I don't want to be seen as a whiner. I don't want you to be frustrated with me because you've been hearing the same old, same old year after year. Please accept me and allow me to come to you all. I need you to understand my frustration and be understanding.

Remember how you all helped me with Angela? I did take your advice. We did throw her out on the streets. The difference there was that I finally had gotten my husband on the same page as me.

Do you understand how frustrated I am with Melissa?? Do you understand how I feel helpless?? But I got strong with Angela. I am not always a pushover. Please don't think less of me because I continue to post about the same things over and over with Melissa. I need to. I don't want to feel like I can't come to you guys when I need you.

PonyGirl -- Thanks for the offer, friend. I know you live in beautiful country.

Sue

 

[Suz]

If you are only looking for a place to vent no problem, Sue! Thanks for the clarification.

Suz

 

[KFld]

First of all, I can't speak for anyone else, but I in no way think less of you for how you choose to handle this situation. I am just trying as best as I can too help you with options because you seem so lost in what you can do with this awful situation. We all have our own stories and we all need to follow our hearts and this board is the place you should be able to come and vent and not ever feel like any less of a person because of how you feel and deal with things.

Second of all, I guess since the tickets are in your husband's name because the car is in his name, then I guess he has no choice but to pay them. I would now allow her to use the car anymore though because she now knows that if she gets tickets, it's not her responsiblity to pay them, so why should she care where she parks.

I just wish you and husband would go and get some serious counseling or some kind of family support because this will eventually rip you apart, no matter how much you love each other.

You and husband will know when you've had enough and need to change how you react. I remember saying I could never throw my gh out no matter what because he is my son and would never be able to take care of himself. I knew when the time came that I had to change that way of thinking and we are all better off today because of it.

Like I always say, you need to follow your heart. I will add though that you also need to learn how to protect it.

I hope you can all find a way to come through this. I will be thinking about you!!

 

[Sue C]

Suz -- Sometimes I do want advice, even if I'm not able to follow it. :smile:

Karen -- Melissa has the only set of keys for the car. If we took them from her purse, she would scream and swear and not let up. I know husband would give in. Why put ourselves through that? My emotions are all over the place. I'm sorry. husband says just ignore her. Hard to do when someone is swearing at you. Plus she can be so sweet and nice one minute and then nutso the next. (sigh) husband will not consider counseling for the two of us. I brought it up a few weeks ago. He said it was ridiculous for the two of us to go to counseling when SHE was the one who needed it.

husband told me if she does not call back the bicycle warehouse today to ask if she's going to get an interview, I should call and pretend I'm her. What is everyone's advice on that??

Sue

 

[everywoman]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sue C</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
husband told me if she does not call back the bicycle warehouse today to ask if she's going to get an interview, I should call and pretend I'm her. What is everyone's advice on that??
</div></div>

No! That will just enable her even more. If husband wants to enable, it doesn't mean that you have to. Tell him to call and pretend that he is her. Sue, even if husband will not get on the same page, there are things <u>you</u> can do to not enable:

1. Don't make excuses for her behavior.
2. Quit doing the little "nice" things for her, ie buying her special treats, fixing meals because "its her favorite", giving her gas money to visit friends or hang out, washing her clothes, cleaning up after her.
3. Don't remind her daily of what she needs to do. She already knows, but doesn't want to. It just frustrates you.
4. Don't look for jobs for her. That is her job.
5. Be polite, but not "motherly."
6. You and husband go out to eat frequently and leave her to fend for herself.
7. Disconnect the cable in her room.
8. Disconnect her cell phone.
9. Begin to enjoy life instead of worrying about her.
10. Disconnect the battery cables in the car. She may have the keys, but it won't run anymore!

Let husband know that this is how you will approach the situation from this point on. She may pitch a fit. When she does, go for a walk or a drive or get online and talk to us. Ignore her tantrums. Let her rant and rave. Just don't give in. If husband chooses to, that is his choice. At least you will know that you are doing what you need to do to help her.

 

[Loris]

You are never alone here, and I understand what you're saying. I'm sure many here do. Iknow how it feels to feel as if you're alone and being ripped in two. It isn't fun. I do agree that it would be good if you were in counseling with hubby. It would help you both. Saving Grace just posted a beautiful saying that says "When you change the way you look at things, what you look at will change." I have given that a lot of thought and think that this will help me in many ways. I hope it helps many of us. Just don't think you're alone here, honestly you're not. Please take care of you.

 

[KFld]

Do not call and pretend you are here. You can't get a job for her. That would be rediculous.

I think you should try to get husband to understand that the counseling isn't so much for the two of you, but to help you learn how to, together, do what is best for your daughter who is destroying your lives.

As far as the car, she has the only keys, but it's not in her name. I wouldn't care how much she screamed and swore if she's not being responsible, she shouldn't be driving it. I would tell her when she gets a job and can afford to put the car in her name, then she will be given back the only set of keys.

I know this is hard, but you are making everything much to easy for her and she will never never change. she is only going to get worse because she has learned that she can have anything she wants when she wants.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Just wanted to say I agree with all the suggestions that are here already. Once you make things uncomfortable for her, the situation will change.

Many Blessings,
Melissa