Please Advise-before my son gets home!

[Arttillygirl]

I discovered explicit eminem cds in my son's room today. He has been grounded from any music since we found explicit violent lyrics (budding rap artist I guess) and discovered he and buddies had vandalized their school and other areas.
He's been seeing a psychologist and is on vivactil for migraines/adhd. It's an antidepressant.

His sister let on that he was riding his bike up and buying them. While searching I also found Girls Gone Wild VHS and suicidal lyrics next to torn up pics of his homecoming date.

He's a mess, I know. My question is, I already emailed the lyrics to the Dr. and we are meeting tomorrow with- hubby. Our plan is to take away cd player, and Tv from his room. He only uses the tv for playstation but we cannot trust him now not to watch dvds (porn perhaps)
I am not doing his laundry anymore, his dad isn't driving him to his mowing jobs anymore and we will let him know when he wants to rejoin this family-rules and all-these things will be resumed.

He already lost computer privileges in his room but now has to do it in a public area.
I have parental controls but couldn't be sure he wouldn't go straight to rap music-Eminem to be exact-where I think he got all these ideas in the first place.

ANy suggestions?
B

 

[DDD]

I wish I could give you some great advice that would help you feel confident when your son gets home. None of us can really do
that because....each family is different and each difficult child has a personality of his/her own.

My only advice is don't make decisions fast, threats quickly or
anything that sets up confrontation UNTIL you and your husband and
your professional advisor are on the same page. Many of us have
yanked privileges, confiscated objects, etc. etc. and then realized later that we have too quickly backed our kid into a corner which prevented the reestablishment of unity. The goal
is to help your son move forward toward adulthood. He is at the
age where it is normal (yep, normal) to fight the rules in order
to "find" who he wants to be separate from his parents.

I have never had anyone tell me that they regretted taking time
to think through their parenting choices. I have heard many many
times comforted parents who thought it best not to give an inch..
and later found that there were miles between them and their kid.
Good luck. DDD

 

[LittleDudesMom]

B,

I totally agree with DDD about not yanking everything before really thinking - in other words, don't just react. Give it some serious thought.

At 15, it's not unusual for boys to have "girlie" stuff around be interested in music that their parents abhore. That's just typical teen stuff. Now, the suicidal thoughts next to a torn up girl's picture would definately be cause for concern and something I would speak to the doctor about.

I believe, were I in your shoes, I would approach it this way....when my son returned home, I would sit down calmly (once husband is home as well-don't approach him until you are a united front) and let him know that I found the music, the tapes and the writings. Make sure he understands that you did not do this to snoop, but were left no choice but to check up on him because of past behaviors. Reiterate again the house rules regarding music. Let him know that you understand his interest in girls, but in your opinion, this is humilating and degrading to woman and anything of this sort is not allowed in your home. Period. Advise him that you are very concerned regarding the writing. You understand disappointment and deep saddness and you love him and are concerned about him. You have scheduled an appointment at the docs for the three of you tomorrow and you will discuss it further then. For tonight however, there will be no tv on in his room. If he wants to watch tv, he does so with family tvs. End of discussion - no more conversation. Period. Do not allow him to drag you into an argument about anything. Make sure he understands the conversation is over. Most importantly, stay calm and focused - no blame, no guilt, no punishment other than his room tv stays off for the night.

If he wants to discuss it further, let him know that you are not ready to dwelve deeper, you are upset and worried and you will all speak again tomorrow. Delay more conversation for the doctor's office.

I think it is important, if your son is truly in a depressed state right now, to not dump blame and guilt on him. The majority of what he's done is not abnormal teen behavior (with the exception of the writing - although teen age love can be a real bummer).

Stay strong. Again, this is only my opinion and what I would do were I in your place. I hope this evening goes well and that you are able to find some action plan with the doctor. Please keep us informed.

Sharon

 

[Arttillygirl]

Well too late, my son ran away after we told him.
Wish I'd written sooner.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Have you called 911 and reported him as a runaway?

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Sharon

 

[Arttillygirl]

It's 3 hours later. We did call 911 and drove all around the area. Someone from our school just called, he walked across town (5 miles) in the rain to a friend's house.
I am devistated. I don't know how we could've raised a boy like this.
Our entire lives have been devoted to their well being. My daughter is a dream child at 12 at least.

It is a nightmare.

He told us he f____ing hated us over and over for searching his room. He said he bought the music because he couldn't have the edited music. It seems bizarre that he cannot live with out that music. he was embarassed about the tape.
My husband is going to get him now.
I am just trying to even comprehend what the future is going to hold.

 

[dreamer]

hugs to you. It is a hard age. The adhd makes it a little harder.
Many many hugs.

 

[Sara PA]

Odd choice, Vivactil for ADHD. You might want to read this.... http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a604025.html

 

[TerryJ2]

You've gotten some good ideas here. I hope things calm down tonight.
I haven't any advice except wishes for strength and clarity.

 

[Hound dog]

Quote: He told us he f____ing hated us over and over for searching his room. He said he bought the music because he couldn't have the edited music.

This and the girl stuff sounds like typical teen to me. Pretty typical teen relbellion. Although I wouldn't be at all please with the way he phrased what he said.

I handled this sort of rebellion by simply getting rid of anything not allowed. Wasn't my most creative idea, but it did work eventually. I didn't even bother to say anything for the most part. Stuff of this sort just sort of disappeared. Poof. If they had a problem with me going through their stuff, too bad my house, get over it.

T used my computer for porn, repeatedly. So he eventually lost all computer privileges at home. Lasted til he was 18. I no longer check his computer. He's an adult.

I'd tend to focus more on the torn up picture of the girl and suicide lyrics especially since he's depressed.

I hope things calm down for you.

(((hugs)))

 

[Arttillygirl]

My son ended up being wild and screaming obscenities and breaking things in his room with his tennis racket. We called the police and the dispatcher heard him say "I'll Kill you" My huband had to pin him.
All of this because of taking his "stuff"
The police came out and talked to him.
we are headed to the Dr.
I will print out the side effects because he seems to think he doesn't need to call the neurologist about the medicine so far -and he is only a psychologist.
Thanks ladies, I will pass on an update.

 

[DDD]

Please know that my intentions are really sincerely honorable
but your posts sound like you have quite alot of anger at him because he is not behaving appropriately. If you feel anger he
will react negatively and probably with more anger. Try your best to accept that he is troubled. He is not trying to make you
look like bad parents. He is not happy and probably can not make
appropriate choices right now. I don't mean encourage him to do
and say bad things....just do your best to show support and love
and a sense of unity. He truly needs you more now than he did
before his problems began. Often teens do not think life is worth living if they feel rejected by family/friends.

You need to seek out a Psychiatrist who specializes in kids his
age. Neurologists, I believe, specialize in abnormalities of the
brain. Psychologists are not MDs and often only have a regular
four degree college degree. You need an expert and possibly
a separate therapist. Good luck. by the way, I have said a few prayers
for your son and your family. DDD

 

[Arttillygirl]

The psychologist didn't seem to help at all this morning.
Just took the entire time filling him in, he spoke with our son but he's still not talking.

I am thinking of renegotiating privilges because he is simply shutting down. WOuld that be a good thing or should we stand our ground?

 

[jbrain]

Hi there,
I sort of think you have your son blocked into a corner--he is kind of like an animal in a trap who is gnawing his leg off to get out. I relate to this because this is what happened with our difficult child 1 when she was around your son's age.

Going on the advice of her therapist at that time we managed to get into some major power struggles with her. We took away every privilege and her possessions and all it did was cause her to run away. When we found her we brought her home (from ER--had psychiatric evaluation but was not admitted) and her psychiatrist said to just let her rest, watch some tv, etc. She was so relieved to just be able to try to regroup--she did not understand anything about the taking away all her stuff--her viewpoint was that we hated her.

During this period of time I had a lot of anger towards her because of her behaviors and the way she talked to me, etc. She had a terrible therapist who didn't have a clue how to handle our family's situation. I'm not sure exactly what I would do differently if I could do it all over again but I would definitely not get drawn into these power struggles because I could never win and it just set up a lot of animosity between us.

I personally don't see anything unusual in your son wanting to listen to rap music (my dtr had lots of Eminem and I listened to it and absolutely hated it and told her my opinion of it). Also, my easy child son who is 23 now used to listen to lots of rap--I don't think he cares much for it now. I think a power struggle over the music is a no-win situation.

Okay, there is my 2 cents, sorry you are in this position, hope some of our thoughts have helped in some way, keep posting!

Take care,
Jane

 

[Arttillygirl]

Thanks, that is where my tendancy is leaning. The Eminem lyrics about rape and murder are just not acceptable. We are open to other artists but my teen seems to be adopting a "sit down" stike. He won't stop cursing, do any of his jobs and I guess in general fail until we give his stuff back.

I told him I was open to it, tell us what is making him so angry, what does he need?

He said We won't let him spend the night with his best friend. He doesn't realize his friend was molested at 10 and we love him but don't want him spending the night but cannot tell him why.

He said We don't let him go to pg 13 movies. We do but not all. The last movie he wanted to see was Premonition and it seemed dark and not at all good for his direction. He threw such a fit. We lightned up and let him see Pursuit of Happiness.
His friends are all seeing R movies. I understand his disappointment. We get almost everything he wants to see (clean versions) for our home so he does see what he wants. He is repaying us by using explicit language now.

I do believe he is feeling backed into a corner. I feel that way with my husband sometimes too. So how do I help him lighten up without my husband's support? I don't want to lose my son over such ridiculous things such as music and movies.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Again,
I think I sort of get the picture! My other dtr (just turned 16) has a close friend whose dad is also very conservative and religious and so worried that she will get into trouble that he restricts her whole life, won't allow for the chance that she might stumble and make mistakes. She is very resentful but doesn't act out, just is sneaky and living for the day she can leave home and never return. Your husband doesn't sound so extreme but I think your son is naturally going to rebel. I think your husband in fact is probably spurring on the rebellion.

Do you guys get or can you get some family counseling? Perhaps a "professional" could help your husband with parenting? My younger dtr's therapist has been really good about showing me how to parent her--I was really confused about what I should do because she has a dissociative disorder and I didn't have a clue as to how to "be" with her. Of course, if your husband isn't open to suggestions about how to do things differently it won't do any good.

Sounds like you are caught in the middle, so sorry. Hope your day improves and hope some others have some good advice for you!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[Arttillygirl]

Thanks for your reply. If anyone else has any suggestions I am very open to them.

I agree we have contributed to the rebellion but we can't just throw open the doors and allow any smut in here. Hopefully there will be some bending on both parts.

Funny also that 2 kids can live with the same rules and thrive. I just gave my daughter 12, permission to spend 2 weeks in CO with a friend. I wouldn't even consider it with my son because he disobeys as soon as our backs are turned.

I didn't give him this medicine today. Feel kinda in the dark about whether it's the right thing. It certainly isn't helping. I am going to call a Psychiatrist on Monday.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have debated on whether to reply to this or not but finally decided to reply.

I think you are dealing with some pretty typical teen behaviors.

You say in your response that you have two kids that live there but respond so differently. Honey...your daughter is only 12! She hasnt yet hit the horrible teen years yet with a vengeance. Just wait.

It is perfectly normal for teen boys to listen to music we dont like, look at girly stuff, want privacy and all that good jazz. PG 13 movies? He is 15! Of course he wants to see the same things his buddies are seeing.

The tighter you draw those reigns in where there is really no reason to, the harder he is going to push against them.

Vandalism is a concern. But exactly what does that mean? Did they knock the windows out and do massive amounts of damage or did they spray paint the field with the schools colors? Big difference in my view.

If he is basically a good kid, doing basically the same thing every other teen is doing....back off. Go to walmart and buy the cleaned up CDs. I would keep the computer in the family room. I dont think any teen needs a computer in their bedroom. Too risky. But his choice in music is his. In the 50s all the parents thought the kids were gonna go to hell because of Elvis Presley. I dont think they did last I checked...lol.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Janet,
glad you chimed in on this one--I always wonder if I am way off base when advising someone else but see that at least one other person seems to agree with me!

Yes, the dtr is only 12--my younger dtr was "perfect" til she was 13--I could hardly believe this was the same girl, was so sad to see my little girl becoming a teen! Yes, comparing a 15 yr old boy to a 12 yr old girl is like comparing apples to oranges.

Jane

 

[DDD]

Not knowing your family dynamics it is hard to say. As a total
outsider just reading your posts...I "think" it might be a good
idea for you and your husband to tell your son that you all feel that
perhaps all three of you have been impulsive and suggest that you
all take the rest of the weekend off with no more conflicts.

Perhaps it could be simple:
1. We won't get on your case and you do your best not to bug us.
2. Let's remember that we love you and you love us...you don't
like some of the things we do and say and the same is true in reverse BUT we are family and we are bound by love.
3. If you feel we are breaking the 1-2-3 agreement you tell me
or Dad. If we feel you are breaking the agreement whichever one
of us is calmest will tell you.

That "might" help. Defusing the tension is really important.
DDD

PS: In our family food is important. So, for example, if we
have alot of stress and I want to chill things off I make a
favorite of the kid involved. If I make wings or stuffed shells
or shrimp...my easy child/difficult child knows his favorites are served to help us
all. My eldest difficult child felt "stroked" if we ordered her favorite
pizza. LOL!