Please explain the 'illness' in all this behaviour....again!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Ok, I think plenty of us is going through difficult times with our ghg's at the moment!
    But I'm really trying to not become the bad ugly mommy so could any one please put some 'niceness' back into me by explaining how and why this terrible behaviour is linked to illness, how? So that I can develope some empathy instead of anger again......
    At times my son becomes the most anoing, irritating little boy by sitting and playing on the computer or what ever and then he will shout out the siliest, inappropriate things in the strangest silly voices.....For example: His little brother will be sitting next to him watching him play.....then he will say:Oh my lovely little brother....I love you so so are so little you love me......let me give you a hug.......(few seconds later) are so STUPID......I don't love you....I am not your are so so nice......exct!
    Or when he doesn't get his way or things suddenly change he will start screaming.....telling me or his dad that he hates us......we are f#ck.....stupid.....he will take a knife and kill me......then crying......hating the whole world......
    And sometimes it feels as if he becomes all over the show....emotionally......saying all these things....trying to irritate his little brother....hugging me......shouting at me......CONSTANTLY forcing burps, like every few seconds.....When I tell him to please stop (in a very nice way).....he just say "what ever....I don't care or ok" and then burps again!
    Or like when he bosses us around......agh...
    But I need to ad that when he is happy and content and had good social interaction....he is the loveliest, well behaved, wonderfull little boy!
    How can this all be illness....isn't it just bad old rudeness and personality?
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    How about if we use a different term?
    Illness, to me, implies something that is progressive. Anything from a cold to cancer...
    And yes, some difficult children around here have illnesses at the root of their behavior - in particular, serious mental illnesses.

    Far more often, the problem is a disorder, or a disability.

    For a disorder, there is no "progression".
    The child is simply wired differently - from birth.
    Experiences can shape the outcome, but the internal "wiring" will always have certain things bent out of shape.

    ADHD - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
    Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) - autism spectrum disorder
    Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) - developmental coordination disorder

    There's more of them... but do you see the pattern?
    Not all of them will have the word "disorder" in the term.

    If your child has a disorder, there is no doctor in the world that can "cure" them... but the problem isn't progressive.
    There are things that help... interventions, accommodations, sometimes medications.
    First, we need to learn which ones work for this child.
    Then we help others offer the same.
    THEN we help the child learn what they need and how to get it... (where possible).

    For something like ADHD, some simple accommodations will be necessary right through life - but its worse being a school-aged kid, where there isn't any room to march to your own drummer. I'm an ADD adult (no hyper...). I still need medications, or my productive and necessary thoughts to flying off into la-la land and too much chaos results. I also still need visual reminders - printed calendars, computer reminders, sticky notes all over the place. And so on. Yet... these do not prevent me from being a fully-functional, productive member of society. I have a disorder.

    A disability... can exist from birth, or can be acquired.
    A Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) (traumatic brain injury) is an acquired disability.
    Blindness or deafness can be from birth, OR acquired.
    Learning disabilities are usually part of how the person is from birth, but can be the result of an acquired disability... a brain injury can cause all sorts of other problems, of course.

    Some examples of learning disabilities:

    If your son is showing AS "traits", the behaviours you describe may well be part of that... OR, there may be something else going on that isn't diagnosed yet. Verbal tics would be one example.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    difficult child's behavior is a reflection of what's going on inside him. If he's out of control then he's most likely feeling out of control. Anxiety and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)'s communication issues makes getting along quite a challenge for him. Please call his psychiatrist if you feel his behavior is escalating.

    Enough about him. :)

    {{{Hugs}}} A young difficult child can bring you to your knees if you don't actively engage in self-care. What do you do to take care of you and get a break now and again?
  4. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx.....I needed to hear it AGAIN!!!!Maybe still a bit of denail going on!
    What I do for myself.....not much till the school starts again!!!!! Still 2 weeks!
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I used to hide in the bathroom and read. And buy myself little treats like bath lotions, lip gloss. And had a cup of tea after she went to sleep. It was tremendously helpful.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You know these things are symptoms, I do too, but yes, it does just hit that base part in us that does not want to be around someone who says rude sounding remarks, burps, farts, spits, and says such provocative things like what your difficult child says to his brother. Mine says stuff like that too...just sitting at the computer or whatever. Will ask for something nicely and then the end of the remark is ugly. Mom, can you please make me some waffles? Or else I will have to beat the sh1t out of you. Just kidding mom--I dont mean it......dumb :censored2:, I wont say mean things ok B1+ch. I will never say it again ok... then laughs. He has always laughed if someone falls or bumps themselves. but will say Is she ok mom? his affect never matches the situation. I have read a lot about how people with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and especially some kinds of brain injuries have that symptom but it really makes them seem so mean.

    It is how they are wired, that is so true. They just dont know what to say when they are feeling uncomfortable, or wanting to interact or whatever. He may have needed more space than his brother was giving him, but didn't even recognize that was the problem. My son can't handle people by him much of the time. Standing in lines, watching him play a computer game or watching tv. When Q wants to interact, but is used to rejection anyway, he will just do whatever to engage people and then if they dont interact to his satisfaction, he will say keeps them there and talking doesn't it??? It gets just too tiring some days.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child does the same thing here. Sitting quietly watching television with me while we're talking about something, and the next thing I hear is, "mom, I'm going to stick my hand up my butt." Stupid things like that. He does the "give me a hug" thing with easy child, too, and I don't like it because I feel like easy child feels like he has to hug his brother. He does it to me, too, but if I'm annoyed at him I tell him that I will not hug him after he said x, y, and z to me. If he wants a hug he should have been nicer.

    therapist says he does it because it's home and it's his "soft place to land" (I am SO sick of that line). He does not behave that way at school (I don't know how your difficult child does in school, but mine is really good there) and he's held himself together all day and it's his way of "unwinding".

    I think that it's also an attention thing. I think that he wants to say something that will shock me so that I will say something to him about it, but for the most part, I just try to ignore it. If he wants me attetnion he can get it by doing or saying something positive.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is on the spectrum. Although he never did that, he did say things that made no sense in the moment, such as repeating cartoons he had watched in the same silly voices as, say, Donald Duck. He isn't trying to annoy you and I'm not even sure he is thinking about the meaning of the words. As time goes by, he should get better this way. I hope you don't get angry at him. It IS common in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The burping could be similiar to a stimulant. It is not to annoy you and he may not really "get" that it is inappropriate.

    Talking about the knife and killing is more serious and he could have co-morbid mood problems or mental illnesses. There is no point in getting mad at him if he is sick. Your psychiatrist is hopefully a good one who can explain him better to you and, at the same time, help him.

    Hugs and I hope he can calm down a little the rest of the time. Our kids tend to get very wound up when overstimulated.

    Insane, my friend, I do think a disability can and often does get better or worse. If given enough interventions, autistic kids usually improve A LOT! :) Now schiozphrenia is a serious brain disorder and often the person deteriorates...yet there is also research indicating that as they get older they hallucinate it may get worse than get better? Nothing is stagnant :)
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MWM - did you notice the hour at which I was posting?
    I have all this "stuff" in my head, but it doesn't come out so clear on paper.

    The point I was trying to make was... with a disorder, all the interventions in the world CAN make a huge difference on functional ability and quality of life, but it isn't possible to "remove" the disorder. My ADHD is never going to go away - its how I'm built. As my skill level at using accommodations went up, my ability to function in the real world also went up.... but the disorder is still there.

    But yes - when it comes to disorders, and even disabilities, the interventions, accommodations and sometimes medications... make a HUGE difference, and the earlier help can begin, the larger the impact. NO question there!

    (actually, this holds for most things listed... including illness... for a diabetic, as an example, if it wasn't for the interventions, accommodations and medications...! but... none of that changes the fact that the person is diabetic.)
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Didn't check the time, IC :) I agree!!!
  11. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx so much...I do feel better today!
    What I do realize is that he is board....he says that he really misses his friends during the holidays.....The frustrating thing is that he can't keep himself bussy and want to be 'entertained' the whole time!
    I did ask him why he behaves this way and he said that he wants attention....
    Unfortunately I do sometimes get very angry with him and it saddens me to say that then he sometimes cries and say he is sorry and is really trying his best to bet better.....But this is when I just had enough....
    Then I come to the guys talk sense into me....I pull myself up and together....and then I'm the understanding, nurturing mommy again......
    I also thought the burping is like stimming....he does it when he becomes stressed.
    What bothers me: I want to ignore it....think it's the best and less stressfull option...But I'm worried that if I ignore it his little brother will think this behaviour is ok....he already started copying his brother! But sometimes the little one is now parenting his brother telling him to say sorry when he burps, exct!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Glad you feel better now :)

    Another nasty symptom of many kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is lack of imagination. My son never played with toys and is very literal. He never engaged in imaginary play unless he was mimicking something he saw on television...he could not do it himself and could not do it for long. So he depends on either others or "things" to help make the time go by...books, television, videogames. Parents don't want to allow their kids too much TV or videogames, but I did allow my son to do a lot of that as long as he agreed to other activities, which I drive him to (athletics for one). If left without his props, he will go around picking things up, putting them down, taking them apart to see how they work, etc. I would rather have MY "things" intact. He can not just sit still. It's like it drives him nuts. Now that he is older, he has his cell phone and likes to play games and listen to music. I LET HIM. Nothing is going to make him have that ability to amuse himself when he has nothing in front of him or sit still without pulling at things and dancing as he sits, so I never let it bother me. My other was different, but HE is different.

    I'm not sure other parents agree with my method and that's ok, but I did want to share that when you have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), one of the symptoms is often a compromised imagination and ability to amuse oneself.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH MWM, you would do fine with Q. I do the same. He does sit still though, really does get into his stuff that he takes apart etc. he has gone through building phases with legos etc. eitehr the exact directions or just square buildings...also used to do lincoln logs. No imaginative play, only imitative as you say (will pretend somthing is talking now, but only exact words he heard from tv or another child). yes, I let him do those same things, watch sports or use his ds (now I suspect his galaxy player) and his spy glasses. Loves his toys though, as a collection. Loves to line it all up and/ or hold it all. Puts it all in bags around him too. Lots of junk but he knows where it all is and that is his style of play. He loves to go out and do things so it breaks it all up. I guess I am lucky tha way.

    Anyway, Lovely boy, I admire you thought through that. I have had those same-- just need to, but hard to, process through this all and go with my feelings-- moments. It is nice to have this group who gets that. he is a lucky lucky boy to have such a loving mom.
  14. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Lots of hugs!!!
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Buddy, I would love Q. Hub and I are currently waiting for Mean Dog to finally pass away (we love him, but he's not good with kids)...and then we would like to foster babies to maybe age three kids who have special needs. We have always had a high tolerance for "different" behavior. Maybe that's because I'm different by the way, "mean dog" is not the little cutie in my avator! Just wanted to make sure Damian isn't slandered (yes, that is his real name, but he's a love).

    Hugs back at ya, lovelyboy :)