Please help - 28 yr old son destroying things in house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bertie, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi, I haven't posted in this forum in a long time - but since there is no one else I can talk to about this (my friends would be horrified), I thought I'd post here.

    My difficult child (bipolar) has been depressed over the past six months and has not worked. He worked before that, but was only able to keep his different jobs for a few months and I think he has given up. He stays in his room all day. He is unmedicated, refuses to take any kind of medication. We live in a mobile home in a small community/town that is south of San Francisco. When he has rages, he destroys things. He lately punched holes in two of the doors in my house, and when I was out of town I came back to one of the doors being completely destroyed. He has periods of intense crying and hitting things and vocalizing loudly, shouting out "Oh no, oh no, oh no". When I'm home and he's doing it, I know better than to approach him.

    He is not violent towards me, never has been.

    Lately he has been getting worse. He thought it was funny that he destroyed the door while I was out of town. My reaction was "It's not funny, and that behavior is totally unacceptable. The next time it happens, I will call the police". The problem is that in our town, if I throw him out, he literally will have no place to go. I know you will say "so what?" but following through, as you well know, is SO difficult.

    We live in a large mobile home community and people like to gossip. If they see a police car pull up to my house, it will be talked about endlessly.

    My neighbor across the street, who is a friend of mine, just texted me that some really strange noises are coming from my mobile home right now. Said it sounded like someone wailing "Oh no, oh no, oh no" - I know it's my son.

    I guess I'm writing now just because I need someone to bounce this off of. Like I said, none of my friends know what's happening with him. If they knew he was destroying things in the house, they would not react well.

    Many thanks in advance, Roberta
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Bertie

    Sorry that you had to come back. Sounds like you are not living a good life by having your son there with you.

    More will be along but if he will not do anything to help himself then you know you are enabling him by letting him live there.

    I think sometimes our Difficult Child take joy in torturing us or it seems so.

    Many don't understand what you/we go through BUT that does not mean that it's okay for you to let this go on.

    My Difficult Child has not been diagnosed with bipolar but others have had experience with this so I will leave it up to them.

    Please, please get some help and support for yourself. You deserve to be happy.

    He does not want to change so you have to change how you handle this situation.

    I've have had police cars and ambulances at my house. Who cares. You can't let that paralyze you into living like this. People forget and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Most will have empathy for you if they're decent human beings.

    I just wanted you to know that we're here for you!
     
  3. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Thank you so much. It helps just to be able to share with someone.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had police come over too chasing my daughter. I lived in a small town. I didnt really care what anyone thought. Exvept for my younger kids being afraid. Anyone else...none of their business.

    Your son can leave and take a bus to a bigger city that has shelters. No reason he has to live in your town. Since he refuses help how can you keep him there? He is violent of your property. This is unacceptable.

    I have a mood disorder. That sounds different. Drugs too?

    Nobody should live with Mom at 28. He can apply for Disability and rent a room in somebodys house. Eventually a neighbor will call the cops on his rages. You cant save him. Only he can get himself the proper help he needs and he isnt doing it under your roof.

    I am very sorry. It is hard.
     
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  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Agree with the other responses you've received. Your son is a danger to himself and others when he acts out in the way you describe. If he cannot control himself, he needs to get help so that he CAN control himself. That is not something you can do for him, and the objective evidence (his behavior while living with you) seems to prove that allowing him to live with you isn't helping either one of you.

    He is an adult, and you can't save him from his demons, unfortunately. He's got to make that choice. He needs to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    Unless he has been declared mentally incompetent by a court and you've been named his guardian, he would be better served figuring things out on his own. Check out Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous, they help immensely with loving detachment, and there are even online and email meetings available.

    Best of luck. I hope your son can find peace. He will have to find it on his own, without help.
     
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  6. seek

    seek Member

    Sorry you are going through this. What do you think is wrong with him? Is he ever rational?

    I don't think having two lives ruined is a good answer, and I also know how hard it might be to throw him out. It might be a survival thing for you, though.

    Perhaps give him a contract: Put the "must haves" on it and have him sign it - if he breaks any of the agreed upon rules, he is out - his choice.

    Maybe give him list of resources (links to mental health services, homeless shelters, etc.)

    Does he have a therapist?
     
  7. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi seek, thank you.

    What's interesting is that most of the time he's ok to live with, although he complains a lot about the house and "how dirty it is" (to me it's fine). I think he just likes having something to complain about.

    He won't go to a therapist. Says all they'll do is beat him up emotionally and verbally.

    He probably will laugh at a contract, but I can try it. I will have to approach him when he's in a good mood and it's a good time. His girlfriend has told him that she won't put up with his anger, and he has agreed with her to get help for it. I'm hoping she is working on him where I can't. Time will tell. Maybe he will go to a group or a therapist to save his relationship with her.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Bertie

    He's an adult and he really should be living on his own.

    I personally don't think someone that age should live with his momma. He should be supporting himself. Your job is done!!

    You should be pleasing YOURSELF at your age and doing things that make you happy.

    Let him move in with his girlfriend!
     
  9. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    His girlfriend lives with her parents. :)

    Believe me, he'd move out if he could. He doesn't like living with me, but rents are ASTRONOMICAL in this area, which is Silicon Valley. To rent a bedroom in a house in my area is $1500- 2,000/month. Seriously - It's crazy here - lots of adults live with their parents, if they can. It's impossible for him to move out, and I don't know if that will ever change, unfortunately - unless he moves to a different part of the country.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I cant imagine why any 28 year old should live with Mom. If the person is disabled it is still better for him to get services including Disability and live sonewhere in his own, even if it is in a rental room in somebodys private home.

    Tbere are not jokes about the man living in moms basement for nothing. It isnt normal...or good. It hurts us and them. Im surprised he found a girl who is okay with it.

    I dont thik other people change for other people, if that makes sense. They only change when they feel the desire for themselves.


    Our ability to parent our kids ends when they can legally refuse our help...at eighteen.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2017
  11. seek

    seek Member

    At 28, with a girlfriend, he needs to "figure it out."

    That might include moving to another state?

    Why isn't he working? Why is it okay to either of you that he's not working?

    If he has a girlfriend, he must be "semi-normal" . . .
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Having a girlfriend...that doesnt mean much. Some women are codependent toward certain men. Others have issues of their own.

    Obviously this man has problems, but in my opinion he needs to live on his own or he may be 40 one day and not on his own. And we cant live forever.
     
  13. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    My son had an aversion to dirt, cobwebs, spiders ... I guess like a phobia.

    What does your son do in his room all day ????
     
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are right, it's always easier said than done when it comes to dealing with our difficult adult children.

    I do agree with the others that have suggested that he not live with you. Here's the thing, by you allowing him to continue to live with you and allowing him to get away with his rages to the point he's damaging your home, why would he want to leave. He's 28, you and he are not getting any younger. There will come a point when you will no longer be here, then what?
    It's much better if he start to deal with his issues now rather than later.
    Your home is supposed to be a sanctuary for you. You say he's never been violent towards you, to that I will add "yet". He is unpredictable. When someone is in a rage they are not thinking clearly. He could easily pick up a lamp and throw it at you.
    If your son is capable of having a relationship with a girlfriend then he's capable of working.
    He is in your home. What boundaries have you set? If it were me, the only way I would allow him to live there is he would have to take his medications and go to regular counseling.
    As for what your neighbors think, who cares. They are not the ones having to deal with him. People that truly care about you will not gossip and those that do are not your friends.
    There is help out there for your son.
    Have you checked out NAMI? Here's the link. NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
    I cannot stress enough that you need to address this and the sooner the better.

    Hang in there!!!!
    ((HUGS))