Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
So, I guess we're at a standstill now.
Never had the chance to have the final talk with difficult child. He's never around long enough to talk to. When he is, he's either in the shower, in his room with the door shut, or asleep.
Things have settled down a bit, and I get the feeling that some new "equalibrium" has been reached (not sure how "equal" it is, though).
So far, difficult child has been as good as his word: doesn't ask for anything, doesn't participate in anything either. Had the chance to go out with us last night for his brother's graduation dinner, decided instead to spend it with one of the Pothead Posse after eating two packs of Ramen (what sane person could pass up an Old Chicago calzone for Ramen?)
He's also kept to his end of the "bargain", i.e. what he said he'd do. He doesn't come home stoned (or at least we can't tell if he's stoned when he does get home). He's home by curfew, but not one minute sooner. Until that moment, he's on his own, and does or doesn't answer his phone, depending on his whim.
He did clean up his room (sort of), and as a result got one clean load of clothes back.
He's working, and planning on upping his hours so he can pay off his car loan (from me) by the end of summer. Gave me his first paycheck yesterday, and only asked for 17 bucks out of it for gas - then walked away.
There is no talking. There is no discussion. There is no interaction or connection any more - at least not with me. Once or twice he's trotted out the ghost of the kid he used to be in front of his Mom, but neither of us are biting on that bait any more.
There is every indication that he is done with this part of his life, and is simply going by the letter of the law until he graduates. Because of this, I expect that there will still be episodes, but rarely will they be bad ones because he doesn't want to lose what little he does have until he's ready. But it's also clear that he intends to follow his own path, whatever that may be.
It's not my plan, but it seems there isn't much more I can do. I can't force him to act like a member of the family. I can't punish him for simply keeping to himself. I can't make any more "rules", since he's now following the ones we've set out for continued support of living under my roof. Anything more is unrealistic, unenforcable (relatively speaking), and capricious on our part.
He either will or he won't continue to make improvements in his life, but whatever happens will be on his terms alone. Yes, I could make his life hell to give up drugging, but would that truly work? Or would it simply feed more into the defiance that's pushed him to where he is now?
I still hear from so many other people what a wonderful, polite, considerate, and hard-working young man he is. And then I wonder where that kid is? All I'm ever allowed to see is an angry, defiant, morose kid who seems to blame us for everything bad in his life, and now thinks of us like "an annoying ex-girlfriend that won't take the hint and go away".
I get it now. But I also can't think of anything sadder than finally realizing that my son does not consider himself part of this family anymore, nor does he appear to care. He's not the person I'd hoped he would be, nor is he the person I think he could be. But worse than that, he doesn't seem to want to be anything at all. He simply is what he is, by his own choice.
And I now have to find a way to live with that.
I don't know if I'd call it acceptance, since I hate to accept the fact of what he is, and the direction he's obviously going in. And I'm forced into the role of spectator and minimal parenting. Guess I'm getting what I wanted, though, right? I wanted him to "make a decision", and whether or not I made him answer me, it's pretty obvious now that he has chosen.
Peaceful? Pretty much. Sad. You betcha. In an earlier post, I quoted Jack Nicholson from a movie where he has serious mental issues, but asks the woman he loves "what if this is as good as it gets?
Sadly, I feel that for us, this may be as good as it gets for us and my son, and will end with him leaving the house as soon as he graduates.
I feel like I'm watching someone with n-stage cancer now. Peaceful, but you know what's going on, and you know what the end result will be. All you can do is watch, and support the other family members as best you can until their loved one is gone from their lives.
Not hoping for any miracle cures here, just feeling kinda blue today and needed to write.
Mikey
Never had the chance to have the final talk with difficult child. He's never around long enough to talk to. When he is, he's either in the shower, in his room with the door shut, or asleep.
Things have settled down a bit, and I get the feeling that some new "equalibrium" has been reached (not sure how "equal" it is, though).
So far, difficult child has been as good as his word: doesn't ask for anything, doesn't participate in anything either. Had the chance to go out with us last night for his brother's graduation dinner, decided instead to spend it with one of the Pothead Posse after eating two packs of Ramen (what sane person could pass up an Old Chicago calzone for Ramen?)
He's also kept to his end of the "bargain", i.e. what he said he'd do. He doesn't come home stoned (or at least we can't tell if he's stoned when he does get home). He's home by curfew, but not one minute sooner. Until that moment, he's on his own, and does or doesn't answer his phone, depending on his whim.
He did clean up his room (sort of), and as a result got one clean load of clothes back.
He's working, and planning on upping his hours so he can pay off his car loan (from me) by the end of summer. Gave me his first paycheck yesterday, and only asked for 17 bucks out of it for gas - then walked away.
There is no talking. There is no discussion. There is no interaction or connection any more - at least not with me. Once or twice he's trotted out the ghost of the kid he used to be in front of his Mom, but neither of us are biting on that bait any more.
There is every indication that he is done with this part of his life, and is simply going by the letter of the law until he graduates. Because of this, I expect that there will still be episodes, but rarely will they be bad ones because he doesn't want to lose what little he does have until he's ready. But it's also clear that he intends to follow his own path, whatever that may be.
It's not my plan, but it seems there isn't much more I can do. I can't force him to act like a member of the family. I can't punish him for simply keeping to himself. I can't make any more "rules", since he's now following the ones we've set out for continued support of living under my roof. Anything more is unrealistic, unenforcable (relatively speaking), and capricious on our part.
He either will or he won't continue to make improvements in his life, but whatever happens will be on his terms alone. Yes, I could make his life hell to give up drugging, but would that truly work? Or would it simply feed more into the defiance that's pushed him to where he is now?
I still hear from so many other people what a wonderful, polite, considerate, and hard-working young man he is. And then I wonder where that kid is? All I'm ever allowed to see is an angry, defiant, morose kid who seems to blame us for everything bad in his life, and now thinks of us like "an annoying ex-girlfriend that won't take the hint and go away".
I get it now. But I also can't think of anything sadder than finally realizing that my son does not consider himself part of this family anymore, nor does he appear to care. He's not the person I'd hoped he would be, nor is he the person I think he could be. But worse than that, he doesn't seem to want to be anything at all. He simply is what he is, by his own choice.
And I now have to find a way to live with that.
I don't know if I'd call it acceptance, since I hate to accept the fact of what he is, and the direction he's obviously going in. And I'm forced into the role of spectator and minimal parenting. Guess I'm getting what I wanted, though, right? I wanted him to "make a decision", and whether or not I made him answer me, it's pretty obvious now that he has chosen.
Peaceful? Pretty much. Sad. You betcha. In an earlier post, I quoted Jack Nicholson from a movie where he has serious mental issues, but asks the woman he loves "what if this is as good as it gets?
Sadly, I feel that for us, this may be as good as it gets for us and my son, and will end with him leaving the house as soon as he graduates.
I feel like I'm watching someone with n-stage cancer now. Peaceful, but you know what's going on, and you know what the end result will be. All you can do is watch, and support the other family members as best you can until their loved one is gone from their lives.
Not hoping for any miracle cures here, just feeling kinda blue today and needed to write.
Mikey
