Pretty sure this is my worst day ever!

[Steely]

I feel like I cannot do this anymore....this life.... it seems I have been on the wrong end of karma for years.

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer only 5 weeks ago. His hair is starting to fall out, he is talking about his last days, and the reality that he only has a short time to live is sinking in for me. Five weeks ago he was healthy, vibrant, fit, and ready to trek in the Patagonia (literally) - now he only has months, maybe a year, to live.

My son, has been having a horrible time in the last 5 weeks due to his grandpa's situation, his medication changes, and I guess just life in general. I finally had gotten him to a point where he was self motivated enough to get up and do his school work....BUT.... yesterday, we got in the car to go get a burger and he started in on his latest rant of how he hates people. On and on he went about everyone - fat people, black people, poor people, rich people.... I was trying to ignore it, change the subject, etc. as we pulled into Burger King. We got our order only to find that BK had put tomatoes on his chicken sandwich. My child LOST it! He went into a full throttle, homicidal, suicidal rage. I had no choice but to take him to the ER..

We got to the ER, and I had to leave him in the car, because he would not get out, and was still threatening violence. I ran in, and told the nurse what was going on, and that I needed security, because I was not sure what he was going to do. Well, you would have thought I had called the security SWAT team....they swarmed in, 7 of them, with walkie talkies, guns, etc. Anyway! We got him to a room finally, and he was so upset that his BiPolar (BP) was 205/100, and he was having chest pains - he was freaking out!!! The doctors dismissed the BiPolar (BP), and focused on the psychological component.

True to my son's form, his mood cycled once he got settled in the ER, and he began to chat it up with the head of security. They had a lovely talk as we waited the allotted 2 hours in the ER with my son charming the pants off of security. (???) I was incredulous, as it was a bit surreal, and I started doubting we even needed to be there..

We finally got to the psyche ward, and waited another 3 hours, where by this point my son had cycled again and he was becoming rageful and agitated. The intake nurse came in, (a real B###@) and starts asking a million questions, which only agitated him more, and he got the chest pains again. Well little missy the nurse, slammed her intake book and insisted we go back to the ER to spend the night in cardiology. I lost it, and told her that ER had already dismissed it as anxiety, and I knew it was anxiety, and that we were not doing that. She left the room, called 911 - and 4 paramedics showed up as if my son was having a heart attack.

Anyhoo...to make a long story short, the paramedics agreed that it was anxiety, because when he took deep breaths his BiPolar (BP) went down - and because his EKG was fine, and because, uh, hello, he is 16. Not to say I am not worried, because I am - but I told them that at this point his psychiatric emergency superceded the physical one - and if anything does go wrong - he is in a hospital after all.

He had a good night, and I saw him this morning, and he was OK - but the hospital just called me to say he was out of control, and threatening the staff, and they were having to restrain him. I could hear him screaming in the background....screaming his little mind out. It killed me. I feel so helpless, so like I, as the Mom needed to be there to make it OK.. He is still such a mama's boy - he was screaming for me. The nurse told me they were going to have to do a 4 point restraint on him if he did not calm down, at which point I lost it.

When I was 16 I was put away for 6 months in a horrible, horrible mental hospital. They put children in restraints for days, months...I saw it all, watched it all, helpless to do anything, a minor myself. I cannot see my son in that position - it is hard enough for me to trust a psychiatric hospital. - but leather restraints on my child, I think I will lose my mind. I told my sons phosph that before they did that I would come down there, and help him calm down - but I am not sure they will listen to me. I also told them to call me before they added any new medications, and they didn't - gee - there is a reason why I have so little trust for these people.

I guess I just needed to tell someone all that is happening. I can't stop crying....I am having severe PTSD symptoms....my Dr said to just increase my Lexapro (oh, that is helpful), his Dad is a bleeping idiot who asked me today if I just put Matt in the psychiatric hospital for a reality check. What??? He is SO out of the loop, SO doesn't care about his son's reality, and I am left to try and fix it all. And my Dad is dying.....

I love my son so much....it has always just been the 2 of us....and we have a very close bond. To see him in this much pain, kills me inside. I know I should separate, should try and disassociate, but I can't with him. I am so scared, he has tried so many medications that I don't know if they will even be able to find one that works. And then what will happen........

Thanks for listening. I am going to the psychiatric hospital now to talk to the social worker.....

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh honey...ny heart is going out to you right now. My heart breaks when I read most of these stories, but I am relating to you a bit more, due to the absent father. Big hugs from Chicago. You and your son are in my prayers.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hugs Amber.

It is absolutely gut wrenching when we hear them screaming for us. I hope they are able to calm him down. I would rather they chemically restrain mine than physically.

Hope they can get his medications stable and he can get home soon. I suspect all this with your dad is sending him spiralling.

 

[Alisonlg]

Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry. :::: My heart goes out to you.

 

[oceans]

I an so sorry! Hang in there. Things will eventually calm down some. I hope that they can adjust the medications and help your son. It is so emotionally draining and scary to have so much going on all at once.

 

[Andrea Danielle]

Big hugs to you from me too. What a very sad story. I hope things gets better. It must be so awful to have two people that you love going through this difficult time, your dad and your son.

Andrea

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Amber,

I'm thinking of you and hoping you have a close family member or friend who you can lean on. You have way too much on your plate right now.

I think it is a good idea that you've gone to the psychiatric hospital to talk to the social worker. I know that it is so hard, but try not to think in terms of "what ifs?..." in my humble opinion, things always seem to get worse before they get better. difficult child is getting the care he needs now. Even though it is so difficult to watch this as his mother, you need to let the doctors take care of him.

I think you should tell the social worker/doctors how you feel regarding restraints. Hopefully they can put your mind at ease.

It is horrible that you're going through this at the same time your father is dying. My heart goes out to you... Is there a close friend or family member who could visit difficult child so you can spend some time with your dad?

I feel so badly for you and it is hard because there is really nothing I can do or say to really help you. Please just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers :angel:...

Sending a cyber shoulder to lean on... WFEN

 

[slsh]

Amber - I'm so sorry - what a lot to deal with- right now.

Reading your description of your son's rages brought back memories. I'm going to toss out a suggestion, take it or leave it, but... it's just based on our experience with- thank you. He used to have to be restrained frequently. His raging was like a tornado - violent, completely over the top. In a weird way, being restrained wasn't a bad thing to him - it actually reinforced the raging and he would keep on accelerating. While he was only put in actual leather restraints once (in a hospital), in all his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placements he spent a lot of time with four or more staff members having to hold him down. It was really awful. The restraints didn't calm him or stop him. In effect, he was still in control of the situation because he was requiring that 4 or more staff were there giving him their undivided attention as he did his darndest to break free and/or hurt them and himself.

At his current Residential Treatment Center (RTC), they will restrain once a day, max of I think 15-20 minutes, and then they chemically restrain. I had an *extremely* difficult time with- the concept of my son being drugged into oblivion but at the same time, like your son, he could really physically work himself up into a state. If he could not get himself under control during those 15-20 minutes, they would then offer him oral Ativan. If he wouldn't comply (and he didn't for several months), they would inject him. Now, as horrible as it is to hear your kid raging in the background, it's equally horrible to hear them stoned to the gills... but at the same time, the physical stress that he was putting on his body was gone as was the danger that either he would be inadvertantly hurt during a restraint or that he would intentionally cause serious injury to someone else.

I don't know, it's a lousy choice to have to make, and I suspect that probably most members on the board would probably strongly disagree with- chemical restraints. Heck, I'm still uneasy with it because I think there's a huge potential for abuse. *But*... in the right hands, by trained professionals, it can be an effective short-term solution. I will never forget the endless raging and restraints, the horrible physical state that thank you could work himself into... The chemical restraints put a brake on that physical response his body was having. He also was no longer in control of the situation - choices were laid out, he could regain control of himself *or* voluntarily take a sedative *or* the staff would take control of the situation.

Again - just something I'm tossing out that might be worth discussing with- psychiatrist, only for while he's in the hospital and so unstable.

I'm so sorry - my heart hurts for you.

 

[Wiped Out]

Sweetie,
I'm so sorry he is struggling so. I have no advice but am sending hugs and prayers your way.

 

[nlg319]

Amber...my heart breaks for you and your son. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain...emotional or physical...

May you find some peace...xo

 

[Steely]

Thank you all so much for your caring thoughts....you are a wonderful group of people....and I very much appreciate you prayers and thoughts.

I talked to the doctors at length today about chemical restraint, which would be much better I think as well, but since he is 16, he has "legal rights" now to refuse medications. Ugh..... I did talk to him this eve though, about how if he refused medications, he could end up in restraints, and the choice was completely up to him. He seemed more willing to take them once I presented the options in that way. He is very smart, and astoute (sp?) about his medications, and he wants to know what he is taking, why, and the side effects - but none of that was communicated to him today, and he was scared to take what was being offered. Once I explained the medications, and what they were to him, he agreed he would take them if he felt that upset again. We will see....at least he was calm tonite when I talked to him.

You know, it is funny - no matter if your child is in physical or mental pain - we as Mom have the same mama bear reaction. To hear him screaming today, to hear they were restraining him, to hear he cried for 2 hours after that, all made me want to do nothing but go and protect my baby cub. It was a fierce, physical, biological reaction, and it was all I could do to not go there and rescue him. Pain is pain, whether it is physical or mental we have such an instinct to protect - and the mental pain our difficult child's go through is just as painful as a child that has a disease of the body....it is all equally as tragic.

My hope and prayer is that this will be a turning point for Matt....he has been through so much in his life....the list is endless, and he needs to be able to heal and find peace.

Thanks again for thinking of us....

 

[busywend]

Amber, I respect that you realize when difficult child needs more help than any typical family can provide at home. You did a good thing for him.

I also respect that difficult child wants to know what medication he is taking, what it is supposed to do for/to him and what side effects he should watch for. I think that is very mature of him to want to be that informed about medications.

Hang in there. You have some help now. Be sure you have a discharge plan that includes help after release - a real plan, in place before release.

 

[timer lady]

Amber,

Nothing hurts a mother's heart more than hearing/seeing their child in pain - physical, mental or emotional. It's a heartbreaking decision to make - knowing that your child needs more than can be provided in your home environment.

It's all very surreal & an unnatural order of life.

I pray you find peace in the midst of this. Keeping positive thoughts for difficult child - that he improves quickly.

 

[On_Call]

Amber,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this at once. Many {{{hugs}}} are being sent on your way. We have been in similar situations with our difficult child - he is inpatient right now.

I understand that Momma Bear instinct all too well. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to remind myself out loud that the psychiatric hospital was the best place for difficult child when he was (is) there. It's an absolute struggle because as the Mom, you want to fix it, take away the pain and make it better.

I hope the coming days bring stability for difficult child - and you.

Hang in there.

 

[DDD]

Sending cyber support your way. DDD

 

[WhereIsTheLight]

Amber, my difficult child has been restrained and sedated. I held her head in my lap for two hours at the psychiatric hospital one night while she begged to go home, promised to be good, and said she loved me, all the while crying, sobbing. All while we were being monitored by the nurses station by closed circuit TV. It was heartwrenching to tell her I couldn't take her home and fix her pain, that she needed to go through with her treatment and that, yes, I promise, I will be back. She was nearly the same age as your son.

That was over four years ago. She returned to the psychiatric hospital once after that, having swallowed all her anti-depressants because she was mad at me. When she arrived, the staff told her basically, "Cut the crap. We know you are better than that and you'll not get attention from us". She hasn't been back since (although there were days I would have liked to put her there).

I guess I can offer you this: you say you're son is smart and you have a tight bond. I think this will pass. Someday, it'll be a month ago, a year ago, four years ago since this horrible episode. It hurts now, don't I know it, but it just seems to be part of the program for our difficult children, and the letting go part is just as much tough love for us as it is for them. I remember from my Al-Anon days that just because it's the right thing to do doesn't mean it feels good. So many of us and our difficult children have survived the darkest hours. And even though I've just evicted my difficult child because of her attitude, I can tell you with an honest heart, that nothing, absolutely nothing, was as bad as when she was actively and acutely depressed and cutting. Not when she was in juvy, and not now when she is out on her own nursing a broken jaw.

I pray for your strength and health. I began seeing a counselor when this was going on - I hope you have some support, because I went through this basically on my own, broke and in a lousy, low-paying job, and with a DEX that was very, very angry at me for divorcing him and he did everything to twist the knife at the time.

You and your son will get through this because you have the basics: a strong bond and intelligence. And whatever good that will come out of this experience just won't be apparent to you for a very long time. God Bless.

 

[guest3]

<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Amber, what an ordeal. You clearly did the right thing. No question. You have been through a lot with-your own health history, but things have changed--hopefully, for the better--so Matt should have a good chance for a smooth recovery.
Weird, that he's got the right to refuse medications but they didn't tell him the pros and cons. That's informed consent.
I hope everyone is doing better tonight.

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys for all of the support. Matt is doing better tonight. There were no outbursts of a violent nature today, rather a river of tears. He has so much pain and sorrow, that I think if he cannot be angry without severe consquence, he has to cry instead, which is such a better release for him.

In addition to titrating up on the Lamictal, which takes forever to reach a therapuetic level, they have added Clonidine for his blood pressure. Interestingly he has been on Clonidine, because it can also be used for anger and impulsivity control, and the medication worked very well for him. This was a long time ago, and the Dr took him off it once we got the bi-polar diagnosis. However, we will see now, if this added to the mix will help calm him down. It makes sense that if your BiPolar (BP) is 200/100 you are going to be impulsive and somewhat out of control....so if we lower the BiPolar (BP) it would make sense the rage would be less. (Who knows, like I am a DR :wink:

Anyhow.... I am convinced now that he has to be back in a school type of setting....no more homeschooling. He is too old, and needs a peer group of some sort, but I need suggestions. I live in Dallas Texas, and I have yet to find a behavioral oriented school that is reputable - however, I am open to moving. I have few ties here, and I am open to relocating if there is an amazing therapuetic day school that anyone knows about in their area. ( I am not open to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at this point).

If anyone has any resources they know about please PM me.
Thanks again for the prayers and thoughts.....

 

[totoro]

Just wanted to send a hug and hoping the situation mellows out for you and family.