Punishment from the school

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dstc_99, Dec 29, 2012.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I was just informed that the girls who were at the party with my difficult child are possibly going to be removed from the cheer team because of underage drinking. We wont know until Wednesday because school is out and the principal is going to meet with the coaches to discuss it. I am so mad at mine right now that I am seeing red but at the same time I am having difficulty with that being an appropriate punishment.

    1. I think the parents should be included in this meeting since their children would lose scholarship money.
    2. The kids were not at a school function, they were on Christmas break and what they did did not affect the team.
    3. The morality clause wont fly either because last year we had a pregnant cheerleader and they went crazy protecting her right to cheer.
    4. I have found out through a lawyer I know personally that several members of other teams have been arrested in similar situations and not been removed from their teams.
    5. We had a case of cheerleaders showing up smelling of liquor last year and nothing was done about it.
    6. One of our cheerleaders supposedly got caught cheating on a test and was not punished for it other than having her grade docked.
    7. None of the girls were charged with anything. The other teams have had their individuals in court.

    Am I wrong to want to beat my child but make sure she is held to the same standard as other student athletes even if that means I am standing up for her? I know its convoluted thinking but I want her to feel punished I just dont know if the school has the right to do the punishing considering it had nothing to do with school. The kids have already had to call their parents to be picked up, been frisked by the police, had to blow a breathalyzer do they really need any more punishment.

    Maybe the coaches should be allowed to run them till the puke!
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    At our school, getting dinged by the cops for underage drinking would be an automatic suspension from all extra-curriculars. For 1st time offenders, participating in an alcohol abuse awareness program would lessen the suspension but they'd still sit a number of games.

    Being pregnant is not illegal so it is not comparable.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Actually, simply being at the party where underage drinking was happening is enough to get the extra-curricular suspension, even if the student did not drink. And this would apply to athletes, drama, mathletes, etc.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My daughter is a girl jock and she knows that if she does anything illegal, in or out of school, she'll be kicked off the team. All the kids know that. She is careful about her choices because of that. It's too bad they are so inconsistent at your school though. If it's consistent though I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Same policy at our school. In fact, a number of girls just lost their spot on the varsity volleyball team for being at a drinking party.

    Unfortunately, this is a case where your daughter is going to have to face real-world consequences for her actions...not just from parents.
  6. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    same policy at our school---it is irrelavent that it was not on school time. our districts position is that they still represent the school and are subsequently held to a higher standard.

    it is a real life consequence, and its intended to send a strong message. hopefully in this case its one that comes through loud and clear-actions do have consequences.

  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Here it would be "district policy", not "school policy". As in... it applies to every single school in the district. Which makes it fair. If the policy varies widely from one school to another in the same district... then some schools take a hard line, and others go really soft, and the kids who get the scholarships are the ones from soft schools whose coaches knew how to beat the system - not the kids who should have had it. (which is why we went to "district policy"... no leeway for schools to look the other way)
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I get it. I really do I am just extremely unhappy with the inconsistency I see in the school as far as punishments. Wrongly have one high school in the county though so no other schools to compare it to
  9. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member


    Check your district's web site for a copy of their Code of Conduct or policy regarding conduct. It should state clearly how your daughter will be punished.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If it was a policy, and especially if the kids have signed stating that they know the policy, then the punishment should be as written. Whether they are football jocks or cheerleaders, or some computer geek club member... KSM
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    ksm this surely has been a shock to you and I truly understand that you must be gobsmacked. on the other hand, if you don't mind unrequested advice from an elder, you really have no choice but to "man up" and let the authorities have the authority. This is a crossroads moment for your daughter. How you react will honestly effect her method of coping. I wish I didn't know what I was talking about but honestly I am terrible at accepting authority figures who often seem to be complete losers...BUT...if you question their authority, or their intelligence or their right to influence the future of the kids it will establish a pattern that your difficult child will follow in the future.. This is an important weekend. Bite your tongue. (Yes, I understand you are scared and likely crying but don't show it!)

    difficult child can learn right now OR she can learn later when it is the police OR she can learn later when it is a boss. She messed up. She is not in the position of power. You and your military husband know that power determines outcomes. I have "issues" with power. But if she feels she has been unrightly punished it will make her a victim and SHE made the choice. Let her own it. If you are lucky SHE will learn an ugly big lesson about life. Parents can't save you. If she wants to be the boss of herself she has to make a plan, get fully educated (even if she has to work her own way through college) and set goals that have her primary attention.

    I am sending prayers that you can do it. I am sending prayers that she can do it. I tried and I failed and my difficult child did not ever regain his confidence. No, it was not the same circumstances but the same moral lesson. Hugs DDD
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I do see your point that if others were not punished this way for this infraction, then it isn't appropriate for you daughter. I truly understand your feelings.

    You do NOT know how the other kids were punished OR what all the details of thee problem were. Sure, you have heard rumors, but it is ILLEGAL for the school to share wth anyone how they punished a student. They can only talk to the student and the parents about this, NOT the other kids or parents.

    Is your daughter going to lose huge scholarships? Why didn't she think of that? Why would you rescue her from these consequences and teach her that the rules don't apply to her? Do you truly want to send that message?

    I might go and consult with an attorney if there was a college education at stake. Why? Because if other students daughter the same thing, then your daughter should have the same punishment.

    I would go ALONE or with only my husband to speak wth the attorney. I would NOT want my child to think I was looking for an 'out' for this situation, and I would want to think long and hard before I took any action with the lawyer. Most attorneys will do a free consultation and I would use the free consult to ask more than 1 attorney about it.

    You also may have to accept the consequences if they are handed down by the athletic assoc (not sure what it is called in your area). You daughter might lose eligibility from this, and I don't know if an atty could help with that at all.
  13. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Okay, my cultural background shows here but: If it is not a consistent school/district policy that is enforced consistently, I would fight it. First of all, I don't really see how it is school's job or right to punish for something that is not school's business. There are laws and if you break them, there are legal consequences, but how school figures to this? There are students rights? Is there a trial and appeal process? How does school make sure the student did what they are accused of? How can a student defend themselves? Are these school courts professional, unbiased etc? If not, it is a huge problem. And again, how it is school's business what a student does on their free time?

    Secondly I'm very against taking the positive influence out of kids' lives when they struggle. A cheerleader spends a night in the party with alcohol? How is taking the healthy and time consuming positive hobby out of their lives supposed to give them less time and inclination to party and drink? About hundred years ago a guy who greatly influenced our sport world famously said that it is better that young men do sports and drink than that they just drink. I kind of agree. Taking the good and positive influence out of children's life doesn't make them stop the negative behaviours. And even if you can't stop negative behaviours (with some other method) it is better to have both negative and positive behaviours than only negative.

    Are the school planning to ban kids who do something wrong from reading books too? That too is positive behaviour that may be of use for them in future and what they may enjoy. So if for example a kid, who likes to read throws a teacher with the ball in P.E, it is logical to ban all books from him till next year with that logic.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    SusieStar and DDD have it nailed it 100% in my opinion. If it's the athletic department OF THE STATE that makes these rules, it's not up to the school. The Wisconsin High School Athletic Association (WIAA) says that if you are failing a grade, even if you have special needs, you can not play until you are passing. Jumper had to sit out a game once in her freshman year when she was really struggling to get used to high school and her 504 was not in place yet and she was failing history. It wasn't up to the school...they would have WANTED her to play. But the school got a notice from the WIAA saying she had to sit out so she did. I called them and they were firm, stating that there are no exceptions to this rule. I'm pretty sure the rules are made by the state athletic associations. Breaking the law in any way is subject to all sorts of punishments. I don't mind it. Jumper really watches herself. She even pulled her grades way up (and she still does struggle). But she wants to play in every single basketball, softball and volleyball game. That means a clean record. She has seen teammates disciplined and, aside from the one incident, she has never had this happen to her.
    Our quarterback was thrown off the team when he was caught smoking pot. It wasn't in school either. That's just the way it is. in my opinion an attorney is a waste of time. Lots of money and little chance of winning. The kids sign the rules.
    Suzir, this is just how it is in the US, whether you or I think it's fair or not. And all athletes know this when they are picked for a team. If you don't want to follow the rules, you don't sign and you don't play.
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    DDD, I think you were replying to DSTC... not KSM... I pretty much agree with everything you wrote! KSM
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    OMG :nonono: Did old age finallyl catch up with me???????? Yikes! I apologize for the wrong address. Unfortunately, the message is the same even if I did identify the wrong family member. Sigh. Sorry DSTC. The subject "kinda" hit my heart and obviously messed a bit with my brain. Sending hugs. DDD
  17. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    SuZir -- at least at our school, there is a 3 strike type policy, for the first two offenses, they are suspended for 20% (first) and 30% (second) of the competitions but are still required to participate in all practices. They are only kicked off for a third violation. The school knows that sometimes the sport is the only thing motivate the student to try at all.
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thats ok - too many intials to keep track of!! KSM
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I realize we are sort of strange here but kids can get punished by the school for stuff posted on facebook and for things that happen at the bus stop or walking to and from the bus stop. All that is considered the school's business.
  20. I often wonder if there is a right way to punish.

    I do feel that it is rather odd that students are kicked off their teams for action way minor to the one their role-models - the professional players do. How often do we not read about player one or player two being arrested for fights and driving under influence? They are not kicked off their teams. They can continue to play until they are sentenced by the courts. That is the double standard our children have to adjust to. They have to behave until they make it professionally. Then they can act out. Life dosen't give them a good lesson there.

    But I also understand that the schools have a reputation to defend. I understand that they very often don't know what would work. The problem is that children generally adjust very well even to poor condition. We can send them to the juvie. They hate it, but they adjust and become street smart. We can put them in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) marketed very strict. They adjust and play the program and are out all too soon with a degree in manipulation. We sent our daughter to a boot camp for a weekend. It was cold, it was hard. We will properly never stop hearing that from her, but it was certainly no cure and not the money worth unless 3 months respite was the goal from the very start. I guess we just expected more.

    I would love to give advice, but I cannot give any. Life is just not fair. I can only send my prayers.