Reaching a desperate point. It's a hard day today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jun 8, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    It's been a busy couple of weeks. Son returns to the current doss house he was staying at to find his belongings on the door step saying they had to leave. He rings me in despair saying he had no where to go and was frightened. I was hard to start with and refused him coming home. He breaks back into the house and stays the night. In the morning I pay for a taxi to take him to the council (authorities) to register as homeless. He does this. He's a mess. Cannot stop crying, wants to die. I pick him up and bring him back, against my husbands wishes and feed him, let him shower and give him clean clothes and then take him back to council. They have housed him in temporary housing whilst they investigate his claim. They even paid for a taxi to take him there!!

    Night one - I see an email on his account from the council saying the hotel have reported he is smoking cannabis in the room and if he does it again he is out ad they will not help him again.
    Day two - Hotel management speak to him about having a room FULL of people and ask them to leave
    Night Two - police called to hotel as another scum bag has taken my sons room key card and kicks off in the room resulting in 12 police offices having to remove him. (not my sons fault)
    Day three - police at hotel doing their weekend checks - my son wants to speak to them about the previous night and then he is arrested as they discover he is on the 'wanted' list for car crimes.
    Spends night three in a police cell!

    Released the next day with no idea on what is going to happen. I take him shopping for food and we eat lunch out. Starts off ok but ends with him kicking off calling me names and blaming me for "pushing him down this road", saying he was going to kill himself. I tried real hard to keep calm.

    Leave on ok terms agreeing I would pick him up in the morning and take him to a planned interview set up by the council to house him in a young peoples hostel. I ring later and he has his nutter of an ex girlfriend in his room and has decided he will not be going to the interview as he has been told it is full of "smack heads" and why should he go somewhere like that when he has a "family with money"! I leave it telling him if he does not go the council will not help him and they will not be paying for a hotel life for him.

    I call in morning and wake him up - ex girlfriend is still there. He refused to go to interview. Never heard from him for 24hrs.
    He calls me yesterday, I am at work so did not get it. He then sends stop text asking what my problem is. I just send text to say 'at work'. When I can call him i do. He is extremely agitated saying he needs food and clothes and what was wrong with me. I try to explain I was working and he starts calling me a "silly little c**t", "arrogant bi*ch", filled in "what sort of mother...blah blah". On the fourth occasion calling me a "c**t" I hang up as I am starting to lose my patience. He accused me of just wanting him housed anywhere so I don't have to worry about him anymore and I found myself saying "yes, thats right" in anger. The ex was still there and he was defending her and calling me names making out it was all my fault in front of her. I told him to get a job and pay for his own food etc. He said he has spoken to the council and the hostel and been to the job centre but when I asked what was said he never replied! I'm not sure I believe him. He tried to call me back but I have blocked him.

    I am so confused with what to do. The accommodation was originally for one week which ends today. I now have no idea what he is doing, whether he is staying in the hotel longer or going to hostel. He has no money, no clothes and no food. I want to help him because I love him but it seems impossible to have a relationship with him. He is so angry!! It's like he truly believes he is the victim and takes no responsibility for why he is in this position. I am terrified the council will not help him and he will be on the streets I am terrified this will push him over the edge and he ends his life. He threatened this yesterday and said he would write a letter to my daughter telling her it was my fault. He is horrible!

    I am split with my instincts....one part says, I must not abandon him, he needs me and there is a guilt that I should be there for him as he has no one and maybe this is why he is hanging out with the dross of society. The other part says, I have done this for 2.5years and I'm tired. I am tired of being called names, blamed, trying to clear up his current messes and walking on eggshells.
    My husband says, he is just a "lazy sh*t that had no intention of working. He just want to do what he wants and ponce money and everything off other people with no regard" . He appears to fall out with everyone that tries to help him and just moves on to the next. Never taking responsibility. My husband says if I give him a roof over his head, food in his belly and £100 a day for drugs and alcohol he will be happy and I will have a relationship with him. If I dare to say 'no', challenge him or ask him to do something then my life will be hell. He tells me to let him go and find his own way rather than keep trying to fix it and help him.

    I am sorry this is long....its a hard day today. xx
     
  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    NO ONE has the right to call their mother the names he has called you! He is emotionally black mailing you. Please please walk away and let him face his own consequences. He is taking drugs, refuses to follow any rules and is using you as a punching bag when he doesn't get his way. You are being ABUSED! Please get into therapy and get some help to detach and learn how to set loving boundaries. But more than that please reclaim your life. Until you do, he will suck the life out of you, your marriage, your bank account etc. So sorry lost in sadness.....please find the strength to help yourself. You cannot fix him...only he can. I've been there, done that and trying to fix and help doesn't work. Once you change the cycle by reclaiming you , you will likely begin to see a shift in him. Hugs for your hurting heart.xoxo
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Making him face consequences for his own bad choices is not abandonment. Not stepping in is hard on us and loving to them, even if they spew hate at us. They are not growing up and we in my opinion need to love them enough to let them be responsible for their own lives and teach them that nobody will take abuse well. Support has nothing to do with money. It is about loving them and suppirting them emotionally if they make good decisions. They are not children anymore that require us to pull them out of their own jams. That is enabling, not support.

    Do go for help so you can learn better ways of coping and living with these things we choose to do or not do for our adult kids.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 8, 2017
  4. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Gosh I could have written that post. I get so down about there not being many services where I live, but your story made me realize that even if there were, it would play out like this. My son threatened to put a slug in his mouth or something similar (I don't know I was driving and he was raging), and that it would all be my fault. This was because I asked him if he had any plans to look for a job after taking him to the dr for an hiv test. (he's negative - for now). Then he smashed the touchscreen in my car that I've been trying to trade in.
    Sorry I don't have any advice but I'm glad to know that my thought processes are not completely random. I know they don't help me or him at times, but it's nice to know that they do come from an honest place and I'm not alone! I agree that we both need therapy. We are being abused. I do resist the urge to have a complete pity party often. But I have a younger daughter (you do too?) that needs me to keep this crap together!
    Oh, and my husband says the same things, but he's the dad. I think he's finally ready to call this a day and kick him out for good. Not for his good like in the past but for ours. Of course it should have been done yesterday...
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your son threatens to kill himself, even in the car, pull over and call 911. They will take him to a psychiatric hospital for 72 hours. You wont hear any bogus suicide threats if you call 911 every time he pulls that on you. Oh, yeah, try to sneak record him on your phone for proof. Yes, I am serious.

    You can choose to continue driving him around when he is dangerous in the car and abusive to you in your own home or you can take a different path. Most of us have already stopped putting up with it. Its domestic abuse from a big, strong adult male whether or not you gave birth to him. He is not that cute little boy anymore.

    We as parents have options just like they do. Our other loved ones in my opinion hope we take care of our welfare. This son is a danger to anyone he lives with. If you have guns in your house, lock them up. This young man doesnt need to be around firearms. He is, like many of them, emotionally like a toddler and raging adult size toddlers cant be trusted around weapons.

    Be safe. You must defend yourself against this unstable young man.
     
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  6. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I've called the police before and he's never been taken anywhere. They arrested my husband though, since there had been a tussle and my son had a red mark from it. I can't call the police anymore.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I forgot you dot live in the U.S. its different here. Im sad you cant get any help

    Yikes! I hope you get him out of the house. Your daughter and you need peace.

    Hugs!
     
  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your replies. It appears a never ending saga. I spend hours discussing this with my husband because it just beggars belief that they do not see that they have contributed to the situation they are in. Atone point during lunch he said to me, "I think, in five years time I will look back on this and think what a tw*t, I have been". I thought "yes!!!, we have cracked it".......no no no, silly me!! We have only 'cracked it' if I continue to fix it!

    Bluebell, you are definitely not alone and I am sorry you are going through the same thing. Its so exhausting! I would never wish this on anyone but the comfort I feel from you all is so great! x

    SWOT,
    No I live in the UK, not so many guns here, thank god! When he was angry and screaming for me to shut up now or he would lose it, I told him he did not frighten me and he said, "I could frighten you if I wanted to". I mean, really? who even says that sort of stuff to their own mum. Its just devastating! Such a tragic waste of a bright, good looking boy. I don't get it. xx

    Wisernow,
    yes this is abuse and when I really really hurt, you know, that gut wrenching churching stomach try to think of all the horrible things he has said just so i feel a little angry and it relieves the pain. You are definitely 'wiser now"! xxx
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Lost in Sadness:

    So sorry you are going through this hell. Follow the advice you have been given. Tough love.

    Detach as much as you can or he will never grow up. Do you want to be doing this when he's 30? You will be if YOU don't change.

    You can't wait til "he's ready"!!
     
  10. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Doing this for 13yrs, get out fast, it will kill you.