Reaching out to son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Sherydoc3, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    It has now been 2 days since my child decided he would rather leave our home than get help for his drug use and mental health issues. Of course I am worried sick about him! He was dropped off at a "friends" place by my husband and told that he was welcome to come home if he gets help. He also has 2 cases with the court that have to be dealt with. His next court date is next week. I want to reach out to him and text him. I don't know if I should or let him make the first move. Any advice?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Sorry for your pain.

    Do you know what you want you would say to him if you texted him? He already made it clear he doesn't want to change. Would he be nice about your reaching out or take advantage of your missing him by saying he is starving and freezing even if he is not?

    You know his games best and what you can handle. We all know the games. But if you feel you need to reach out maybe "I am sorry about your decision to refuse help. We love you and are always here if you change your mind."

    He may or may not answer and if he does answer are you ok hearing venom such as you are heartless and don't care about him? If he responds he will most likely be in fight Mom mode.

    I hope you can figure out what is best for you.
     
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  3. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    My husband just texted him and asked how was he doing. He said good and he got a raise at work today. I was surprised that he even responded. His response, at least, was not an angry one.
     
  4. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    I know I feel better when I have some line of communication to son. First few days that he was out of our home, I drove by work to make sure he was there. I needed to know that he was alive. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. What can you live with, while still keeping with your boundary?
     
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree. No right or wrong answer.

    I'm sure like our son did, your son doesn't think "he is that bad". He is working etc. And "you don't understand" the need to party. Husband and I did plenty of partying when we were young but it never took over our lives because we were not addicted to anything.

    My son has been sober for 5 months now and his fog is lifting. He said that part of him wanted to get sober and part of him didn't. This has been going on for 7 years and he is 22. He is where he is because husband literally drove away and left him in the parking lot of the program we had set up for him. We sent him away to go to sober living in 2016 and he just could not stay sober more than 3 months. I really do think that he tried but addiction is truly and illness.

    A therapist in a rehab he was in in Florida (after not doing well in sober living) who was a former addict said that we do not wait until he is ready. That could take many many years, if ever. She was married with a baby and said what she needed her parents to do for her to turn it around. That is when we took the firmest stand ever and he is doing better than he has since he was 15. He looks amazing and he is realizing so many things now for the first time. We are hopeful.

    Do what you need to do. Every story is different and every one of us is different.
     
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  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I am so sorry for your pain. There are many of us here sharing this right beside you. You are not alone. For what it’s worth he may change his decision much quicker this way then if you had allowed him to stay and not make effort to change. It’s hard and very painful - the nights and the cold are the worse, followed by ‘are they eating’. Do only what you can bear right now, look after you and remember...he did have a choice and he made it. HE made it. Big hugs! Xx
     
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Dearest SD, I know this is difficult. There is no right or wrong here. Setting boundaries and standing by them is key. Detachment doesn’t mean we coldly cut our adult children from our lives. It means we will not put up with unacceptable behaviors in our homes, and we work hard not to despair over their choices and consequences. If it is in your heart to check in with him and see how he is doing, keeping communication with him, there is nothing wrong with that. For some here, it has helped. I am glad your son responded to your husbands text. He knows that you both love him and I believe that is important.
    Be kind to yourself and stand firm with love. We all hope the best for our d cs, that they will find their potential. We are not hard hearted, we are compassionate parents who wish the best for our adult children. We have also all endured very difficult times at one point or another in raising them. When they are of age and still making choices that affect them, us and the peace of our homes, what can we do? You gave your son a choice to straighten up and abide by house rules or leave. He chose to leave. I know it is hard right now. I have been where you are at many times.
    The thing is, we also have to have compassion for ourselves. It is difficult to live with someone who disregards house rules. It is disrespectful to you and the peace of your home.
    Try not to write the end of the story. That is what helps me, when I am sad over my two and the lifestyle they are choosing.
    Where there is life, there is hope.
    One thing I know for certain, is that my two were not thriving in my household. They stagnated and continued on a downward spiral. My home became like a war zone, a place I didn't want to be.
    I spend my mornings walking and praying for my two. This helps me tremendously. What rang in my mind this morning was my task to nurture myself, to have self respect and compassion for myself.
    It is a grieving we go through, when our d cs go off the rails. I am pretty sure that you and your husband have tried just about everything to help your son launch successfully. When things get so hard that we are forced to give ultimatums, that is telling. In having compassion for yourself, the sanctity of your home, you are also loving your son. You are showing him that life has expectations and rules.
    When one refuses rules, there are consequences. Now, he has an opportunity to seek his life, and he will do this, whether he is in your home or not, his way. Hopefully, he will learn to make better choices.
    Try to spend this time finding ways to replenish and strengthen yourself.
    There is no judgement here. We have all pretty much been through the ups and downs and sideways of this. It is a difficult journey, what works for some, may not work for others.
    One thing for sure, we all support one another here.
    May you find peace today.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  8. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your posts are helping me tremendously!