thank you refuses to do *anything* that staff can/will do for him, from buying toothpaste/toothbrush/shampoo to figuring out train/bus schedules so that I can have a clue in advance as to when I have to pick him up. He flat out said to me last night, "Why should I have to do it when case manager will?". I told him that the whole point of this was for him to learn how to do this stuff, which was met with "I already know how to do it and will do it when I have to" along with the threat that if I ask staff and CM to force him to do it, he won't and he just won't come home anymore. Fine. I had talked with supervisor at the home last night first, to find out if my son was even coming home (not). Discovered that my son isn't wearing socks, brushing teeth, washing hair, or doing anything unless it's absolutely mandatory. Staff cannot/will not throw him in shower (at 6'3" 250 pounds, I can't blame them) Super's opinion is that thank you needs more structure and disciplined setting but at same time needs to be out of institutional setting where everyone does stuff for him. His gut tells him that thank you will eventually get it but only after a few more logical consequences hit home. He was there at arrest and down at police station - in his opinion, it was a bit of a wake up call for thank you. thank you bought a new laptop yesterday (I'm sure to spend down his SSI funds). Bought socks. No shampoo, no toothbrush/paste. He refuses to see a problem here. So thank you and I regurgitated it all once again. Bottom line, he's majorly ticked because he was "sent away" for violence and he's not violent any more, so he should be home now. I don't know if I've been too submerged in his thinking lately, but this actually kind of makes sense. I think? Does it? on the other hand, his thought processes make me absolutely nuts. He refuses to follow our home expectations, flat out, because he's not at home. But he will follow them if he's at home. I don't believe him for a second, which torques him because I don't "trust" him. Uhhh... yep. And no I didn't admit that to him. Take toothbrushing. I know it's a trivial thing but to me it defines the problem. This is not optional in my humble opinion. He refuses. Has refused at home in the past. Has taken one impressive swing at me over this issue that I still don't know how I dodged. I told him it's not fair that sibs are expected to do this but he's not willing to do this tiny tiny thing. I know, I know, his teeth, his problem, and quite frankly I haven't fought the battle since the swing, but on the other hand it's the *attitude* about the whole thing that has me extremely leery. Defiance for defiance's sake, period. And he absolutely refused to explore what will happen if he comes home and gets violent again. "I'm not that kid anymore." Well, that may be but I gotta tell you - there's no reassurance in that statement for me. I think it's pretty clear that this placement is not going to have the desired results, especially after talking with super last night. I think another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement would be a step backward. But if he comes home and flips out... what then? What damage to the sibs, who have been blessedly happy and solidly stable for a good 2 years now? I know attitude is normal. The degree of attitude about really stupid stuff and his adamant refusal to meet my expectations in TLP bother me. Why should we take this huge leap of faith when he won't push himself one bit? Is the end of violence enough? Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to be a easy child. I know I'm extremely gun-shy because I don't ever want to have to deal with the violence and threats again. But I do want this kid to be able to function and in spite of his grandiose assertions that he knows how to do it all, there's no doubt in my mind that he doesn't. We have a staffing on Wed and I'll be bringing all this up. I will also try to contact psychiatrist and therapist beforehand to get their take. I just don't know what to do anymore.