Rent Support

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by StillStanding, Apr 1, 2017.

  1. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Do any of you pay part or all of your child's rent? Has this helped you? Are you glad you do it? Any regrets?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I understand why some parents will do this. I think it depends on he situation. If paying their rent allows them to have more money for drugs, Iwould have to say no.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We have paid rent on and off for years and I really regret it now. It took two years of therapy for me to realize that my husband and I were just enabling our daughter's drug use. Every penny that we spent on paying rent, buying groceries, paying for gas made it possible for her to spend any money she made on drugs and alcohol.

    When we finally learned how to set boundaries and expectations for our daughter to take care of herself, she finally got sober and has held down a full time job and is totally self-sufficient.

    I see that your son is 21. That is old enough to get a job, an apartment, and pay his own bills.

    Last edited: Apr 6, 2017
  4. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Its hard cause its a fine line between enabling and helping
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    We did help my step-son a few times.

    However, step-son said that the best thing his dad ever did for him was to stop doing things for him that he could and should be doing for himself.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We do help our son with part of his rent since he is working a menial job and taking a class. He will go full time in the fall. He is doing way better than he did at home but has a long way to go. We are okay with this and blessed that we are able to do it.

    Every situation is different and there is no right or wrong answer - in my humble opinion.

    If we felt our son was just drugging and not doing anything for himself, all financial help would stop immediately!!
  7. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I would as long as i could afford it and he was showing that he was trying to better himself, but not if hes drugging
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Still paying the rent. He takes care of most other things. Gets a little bit of SSI. Has had his part time grocery job for the last three years. He's been sober over a year. Just moved out of sober housing a month ago. Been trying to move him on to full time work or training for such.

    It's been a long, long road, and we are hopeful for complete independence maybe someday.
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  9. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I'm considering subsidizing his rent and not outright paying it. He's working for the first time in years but unfortunately, he isn't able to earn enough at the only job he can get right now for even a shared rental.

    I don't know what I've decided yet. I think I'll check my crystal ball. :p
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's hard because addicts lie so you never know if you are enabling or helping. My daughter would swear she was sober and working the steps and we would find out that she was really drugging/drinking.

    So we finally said enough and stopped helping since we couldn't trust her to tell us the truth. When we stopped helping, she got sober and has just celebrated a year of sobriety and is working and taking care of herself. Coincidence? I don't know but we are finally free financially and looking towards retirement.

    At some point, and everyone gets there at different times, you have to stop helping them financially. Since they certainly won't be the ones to suggest it, it will come down to when you have the strength to do it. Most people need help of support groups or therapy to be able to say enough is enough.

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    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Interesting follow up . . . I was watching Dr. Phil today and he had a 60-something son complaining that his 90-year-old mother wouldn't support him financially. He and his wife were both able-bodied and perfectly capable of finding jobs to support themselves.

    I couldn't believe listening to the entitlement coming out of his mouth. Like I said . . . there comes a point it has to stop. Don't wait until you are 90-years-old.

  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I second that!
  13. MissJuneBug

    MissJuneBug South of the Mason-Dixon Line

    Wow, I haven't watched Dr. Phil in a long time but I would have loved to have seen his response to that.
  14. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Yikes! That is not in my future for when I'm 90.

    I still haven't made a decision... I guess that's my decision.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thats why I made sure my kids could all stand alone. Ive seen elderly adults supporting adult children way beyond the norm. I didnt want that for me or my adult kids. What life is that for either of us if that happens?

    I am 63 now and free to enjoy my husband, travel, and not worry that I have to stay around for my grown children. I love my time with them, but in the end they are self supporting and live elsewhere...even one high functioning autistic son. And his caring sister will be close by if he needs somebody, but he got his apartment at 20 and three years later has never had an emergency.

    I feel strongly it is necessary for them to be independent, even if they have some disabilites. We cant live forever and we deserve fabulous golden years. in my opinion its our turn now.
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It really is up to you. If you can afford it without resentment at some point, and it does not allow him to continue doing illegal or immoral activities, then do it/ or not do it. The ball is in your court.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    We bought a house for my son's use. He had been homeless. It is hard for me to live with him, and his being homeless and mentally ill, was impossible for me to bear. It was not helping him either, being homeless or a couch potato.

    For a long while we let him live either with us or at the 2nd house as we remodeled it, in exchange for free rent.

    We stopped that, as free rent proved to be a "marijuana subsidy" and working for us an excuse to not focus on improving his own life and doing better.

    We are now charging him a fair market rent. Personally, I do not want him to help us any more with the remodeling, because it seems that he uses this to get power over us, particularly me.

    There are parents here who help with rent, but they look for certain actions by their children, to happen or not. Like school, or work, or certain good behaviors or lack of bad ones.

    Which is to say that their help is conditional on one thing or another. For me, this whole idea of conditions has been a minefield. I abuse it or he does. And it creates the sense that I can buy good behavior from him and that he buys power from me, through money. Which is a mindset I definitely want to get rid of.

    He needs to pay rent because that is what people do. My son is on SSI. He gets funds to pay rent. I am demanding rent. And right now, nothing more than an average tenant should give: maintaining the property and no illegal behavior.

    This is so hard.
  18. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Great question that I have had on my mind as well. Son is about to turn 18 and needs to move on out into the real world. He has so many barriers to entry into the real world and husband and I were pondering helping him with paying for somewhere else to live. No where close to acting, just pondering. I will be completely honest, I want him out of the house. His moods and lack of respect for anyone else in our family is extremely difficult to bear. I find myself getting more and more depressed as he sucks the oxygen out of the room. He holds a lot of anger against us for the years we tried to show him the right path in life and education. He knows it all and no one can tell him anything. He is not going to college and although he is working hard on various job ideas, he really has no direction. I want to live and enjoy my life again. So if we do subsidize rent, it would be to give our daughters and ourselves a peaceful life again. Yet, we would have to make sure its not allowing him to buy weed. And how would I do that? I refuse to get into the bargaining with him and setting up contracts that he will do this and that. Experience has shown me that he will agree to anything but not honor it. Round and round I go on this. Certainly not a right or wrong answer.
  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sounds like my story. So glad our son is out and yes we are subsidizing but he is working and taking one class but we can't control what he does with his money really. He is 1300 miles away so my life is peaceful but I do go through boughts of utter turmoil. Unfortunately I don't think there is ANY way you can keep him from buying weed. If you find out how, please let me know!
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This here, in 40 words, surely less than 50 you have told the story of my life of the past year or so.

    Contracts do not help. They do not negotiate in good faith. They may agree in the moment, and every minute after to them is another life time. My son's favorite words: don't dwell on the past. But to him, life is a series of discrete moments, and promises of the past, or the future do not exist.

    The weed. My son receives SSI. The marijuana his only important expenditure. He resents paying rent because it infringes upon his real priority: his marijuana. He will sometimes be out of money by mid-month. That was NOT paying rent.

    Paying rent he is hostile and believes his money has bought everything in sight. The right to be hostile and domineering. His rent, to him, entitles him to unlimited and unrestricted power.

    My son himself got on SSI when I kicked him out. Subsequently, he gets into residential treatment every time I kick him out. Or he gets himself voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

    That said, I do not think homelessness is the answer. It makes things worse.

    To me, if you pay his rent, you are teaching him exactly the wrong thing: to act badly is to be rewarded.

    I think he needs a group home and intensive outpatient treatment. I would get involved with Mental Health in my county. When my son did not do this or want to do anything else is when I kicked him out. I ask myself over and over again, what else could I have done? I am still not sure.

    Sometimes there are no good answers...only less bad ones.

    But I would try to identify public resources for your son. Eventually he will have to manage his life and get his needs met. Have you thought about the Department of Rehabilitation?

    Also Job Corps takes disabled kids. It is free job training. They are well supervised and room and board is free. The trainings are excellent and the centers located all over the country. My son went. I loved it. He hated it. Sometimes I wish I had not let him come home. That was 10 years ago.

    I am providing housing to my son, who is NOT living with us. We bought a second property and we are charging HIM rent which he pays with his SSI. We have been round and round trying this and that. The thing is that it is us WHO DO THE TRYING. Not him. This is the fundamental problem.

    Take care. Good Luck.