Responding to contact?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kimberlyg27, Feb 11, 2017.

  1. Kimberlyg27

    Kimberlyg27 New Member

    Good morning,
    I am the mom of a 36 year old, I have had no contact with him for over 4 years, I have received tests & voice mail messages from him usually on or around holidays. This last week was my birthday, he has sent several texts, they start out that he wants to talk to me, he loves me, misses me....then he will get testy & states he doesn't deserve whats happened to him, doesn't know what he did that was so bad....
    5 years ago my son went through a divorce & custody of his children. My son was involved in drug abuse and criminal activities, in the end he lost his parental rights and his children were adopted by their step father. I have remained in very close contact with my grandchildren.
    I have been able to remain strong and have had no contact with my son, when he contacts me I always feel like I should at least acknowledge that he has reached me, but I am afraid to open myself up to communications.
    This is my only child & it's been very hard.
     
  2. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    Hi there, it must be very difficult to negotiate complete estrangement from your son. I imagine you've needed to approach things this way to protect yourself on some level. If you feel capable of communicating with him and also keeping yourself safe, it might offer a chance for mutual healing. 4 years is a long time, that he keeps trying seems to mean he is invested in your relationship.
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry...I can't imagine 4 years of no contact. But I realize why it some times has to happen.

    If you do decide to go forward, do so slowly, carefully and set boundaries. Maybe just written communications first. Then maybe phone calls, then maybe meeting at a public place for coffee.

    I am sure you will do what's best for you...

    Ksm
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Would contact affect seeing your grandchildren?
     
  5. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    This is a tough one. I think in your situation I might ask myself what the most likely scenario that allowing contact would create, and decide if that would be something you can handle. ((hugs))
     
  6. Kimberlyg27

    Kimberlyg27 New Member

    It is really really nice having responses that are so kind & understanding. It is very hard to completely close my life to my son, there are so many who do not understand or agree with my choices.
    I have stood my ground, I just can't believe any good would come from contact, as long as he continues to denie any responsibility. He is not a bad guy & there isn't a day that I don't think of him, miss him.
     
  7. Kimberlyg27

    Kimberlyg27 New Member

    Thanks for understanding :0)
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am engaged in relationships like you describe with your son, and I was estranged for many years from my own mother. I was afraid of her harsh words. I was angry. I felt like I could not defend myself against her. I have come to see, after 40 years, the part I played, and the responsibility I bear. It is quite painful to me because my mother has died, which ushered in a long period of mourning and self-assessment.

    I was always a "sensitive" child and adult. I experienced my mother as difficult, harsh, demanding and self-absorbed and self-serving. I felt I could not bear this. I felt that I compromised myself in relation to her. I withdrew. The estrangement lasted into 2 decades. We reconciled but in retrospect I never had the relationship to my mother than I needed and wanted. This was all revealed to me as she died, when it was too late.

    Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words do hurt.

    But other things hurt more. Like regret. Like loss with things unsaid. The self-doubt about everything, ones whole life and self when one realizes one has failed oneself and people close. I am speaking about myself here.
    Parents of young children set limits. As parents of old children we can too. And grown children can set flexible limits with parents. They do not have to be complete rejection and estrangement.

    I guess what I am saying is we have the ability to pick our poison. Loss, regret, hurt as much or more, than do harsh words. The time out can be days or weeks, not years. This is what I regret.

    Welcome Kimberly. You are courageous to ask questions. That is what posting does.