Sadcat, you are in the inch-by-inch, hour-by-hour trenches. I've been there a lot lately.
The challenge is this: The feelings are so powerful and so bad that you want them to just....stop. We are sometimes frantic with it all. Our minds are racing. We have to ACT on these feelings, we think.
Fear, anger, despair, hopelessness, deep grief. I promise you, these feelings will not kill you, if you allow them to come and just rest in the feelings for a while.
Don't act on your feelings. That is the challenge.
Let them flow over you and through you and just sit and....feel them. Cry, Stare, Sleep, Pound a Pillow. Then, after a while, get up and write it all down in a journal. Let it all flow. Just type or write as fast as your hands can do it, with all of the thoughts and hopes and fears and anger that is in your head and heart.
Then, take a walk, take a nap, get some flowers for your kitchen table, let some time go by.
This is about you, not him. He doesn't figure into this, right now.
Don't answer the phone, texts, emails, FB messages, the door. Let it all go.
Create some space and distance and time between you and him.
You need all of your energy for you, and for the police and what you need to do for YOU right now.
You are a full time job. Leaving no time for part-time jobs---him.
No, you can't do this anymore. Neither can I. If we can carve out a space, have some time, have a break from the madness and the pain, we can inch our way back to level ground.
Then, we can stand up, look around, and THEN see if there is anything to be done right now.
For years I kept my feelings at bay because I was terrified of them. I acted, instead of feeling my own feelings. Today, I have changed that neural pathway.
I can feel my feelings because I know they will not kill me. I can do it, because I know that by doing it, the next step is on the pathway to peace.
Peace and serenity and contentment and joy and happiness. That is what we are seeking. Regardless of what difficult child is doing or not. And we can have it, if we work for it.
I hope you are reading Co-Dependent No more by Melody Beattie. It will help you a lot.
Warm hugs. Keep sharing. We get it. We really do. I am praying for you and your son today.