same story 2 years later

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lostmyson, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Haven't been on here since 2012. Read old posts and could have been 2 weeks. Son just released from jail. Theft of scrap drug money. Have decided he can't stay here. Can't trust. My story is comparable to so many others. The sadness of losing our precious babies. I have a 5 year old daughter to protect. difficult child ( what does this stand for) almost 22. Is there a list of abbreviations for this site. He has nowhere to go. Used up all friends. If I help him he just uses me. We give him home and feed him he deals drugs. Do I set him up in motel so he can have place to party.
    Do I let him be homeless. 6 weeks in jail so peaceful. Hard to be objective when you are mom. Reminders everywhere of the good old days
  2. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Lost, welcome back. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it hurts. Our 20 year old is making tons of poor choices and causing considerable grief. It is usually best to detach in some way. Our "gifts from god" are no longer helpless infants and need to experience the consequences of their own actions. Some choose homelessness, it's true. You can start taking extra good care of yourself. I'm on the same path. Keep posting.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Welcome back. I too have been on this path for a while. My son is also 22 and currently in jail waiting for yet another bed through drug court! I have been where you are and I have let my son be me that is much better than putting him up in a hotel where he would party and probably trash the place on my dime. I have always helped him get into rehab which he eventually does go to when he is tired of being out in the cold.

    I have taken the stand i will help him when he is doing the next right thing but I won't enable him to do the next wrong thing.

    And currently since he is back in jail I am figuring out how to detach further.


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  4. Joprit

    Joprit New Member

    New to group. Hoping to find encouragement here as feel very sad tonight that my 26 year old son is back in jail. He has been in trouble since he was 16. Was put in jail Jan 2013 for domestic violence after fight where both he and wife were drunk. We paid money for an attorney and instead of a felony and 2 years in state prison, he got 4 years probation with the stipulation that if he messes up the felony and jail time come back. We paid with the understanding he would go into rehab after jail which he didn't. Has not had a good place to stay since then. Lost his wife, 3 year old son, house, car, dog, and still not really getting help.
    The only bright spot seemed to be he has worked in construction since he got out in Aug 2013. We just saw him for 1 meal 3 weeks ago when we went to visit our grandson. I know it doesn't help, but even after 10 years of this, my mind still goes over and over what could I have done to prevent this. I am so sad I don't want to tell my friends and family he is in jail again. So sad.
  5. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

  6. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Joprit it is encouging to know we are not alone. Small town newspaper makes it difficult to hide. I don't care as much as I used to and have found others have a family member Occupational Therapist (OT) friend with similar problems. Still question what I could have done different. Know we love him and did what we thought best. Has made me a shelll of the person I used to be. Get by but don't actually live. Have to be cheerful for 5 year old daughter who saw him arrested last month. Don't think can ever be happy. 5 years of ongoing bad behavior has broken my heart and robbed me of my soul. So alone and see no end. Read on here over and over how it is not our fault. So hard to run into his classmates or their parents and they are graduating colllege, starting new job moving forward with life. When do we get to be proud not ashamed
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hey....there is nothing you could have to done to have prevented this.

    Our difficult children (Gift from God...sort of tongue in cheek sad little joke) are wired differently. They don't think like others do. Many have been problematic from birth and have difficult, fighting-the-world, defiant personalities that are inherent. As soon as we are aware of this, and none of us WANT to think our babies will grow up to be a jail risk or a drug abuse risk, we do what we know best and try hard. Usually we figure it out after the drug using starts or the stealing or the incessant lying or the disrespect or the very strange difficult child trait, that is extremely common, of them just not wanting to be responsible, independent and law abiding. Most kids grow up and wish to fit into socieity's norms, but our difficult children do not have that desire. Why? Well, it sure isn't because we didn't teach them right from wrong. They know right from wrong, they just choose not to do it. Very few are psychotic in any way as in mentally ill to the point that they are unaware that what they are doing may result in prison. They do know, but they do it anyway. We beg with them, pay for help, talk to them, give them free money, then we finally need to make them leave our home when they become dangerous to others or they are doing illegal stuff in our house or they are so mean and disrespectful and refuse to do anything with their lives other than to sit at home and scream at us about this and that. Oh, yes, and collect allowance from us at absurd ages, such as 20, 26, 30, 50 if we allow it. It is not healthy for us to allow it. Or for them.

    I have a son who is difficult. I know he has broken the law, although not with drugs, but he is too smart to do it in such a way he would get caught and I have no proof of anything that I suspect. He has been a problem since birth. So I've read tons and tons of books and research on people with personality disorders, which I am convinced run in my family. This lack of empathy. This lack of a normal conscience at times. I am reading more and more research on identical twins that implies this is actually mostly inherited...this strangeness, this criminality. The identical twins vs. fraternal twins studies show this and of course identical twins have the same DNA. Even if you adopt a child, their DNA is there and they will be possibly more like their bio. family that they don't even know than us (I have adopted kids too, but my biggest problem is my bio. son).

    I just finished reading "In Sheep's Clothing" and it was eye opening. As time goes by, and my son is 36, I look back after reading the expert's words and feel I did all I could. I did not always feel this way. Like all of you, I blamed me, my divorce from his father, his father, the world, those who didn't "understand" him, mental illness, etc. In the end, it is really his choice to behave a certain way. However, I am learning not to enable to horrible behavior. If he isn't respectful to me on the phone, and he calls several times a day, I won't talk to him. If he swears at me, calls me a nice name like a c***t, starts blaming me for something or even raises his voice too much, I hang up. He knows I will do it and I am shocked at how remarkably well finally sticking up for myself has worked with him. He is too close to me and has a need to talk to me, even if it's to abuse me, so he has been almost always fairly polite of late because he knows he can't talk to me if he's not. It's really refreshing. I don't know what he is doing when he's not talking to me as he lives states away and I don't HAVE to know. He is an adult. I don't know if he is always telling me the truth, but I do know he is getting better at that than he was in his twenties. But it doesn't matter anyway, as long as he is polite.

    As far as money goes, he has gotten lots of it from his father, my ex, and that is ex's decision. But he doesn't get any from me. Fortunately, he has a good job and always has been self supporting. However, that does not stop him from wanting more money from other sources.

    I did not raise my son to steal for money or to hit on vulnerable people for money or to do other things that he does so I no longer blame myself. Except for a horrendous year when he was in a custody battle for his son and was under tremendous stress which is not his friend at all, he has gotten a lot better.
    At least, I dont' think he is dabbling in illegal stuff anymore. I don't know for sure. I have decided to not try to figure out if more is going on than it seems.

    At any rate, none of you are "bad" mothers and none of this is our faults. We didn't put guns to our kid's heads and say, "Use drugs! Break the law!" They choose their paths. Many difficult children seem to care little about us except for money we may provide. Often the money they beg us for, like a ten year old begs for candy, is spent on illegal stuff, not what they say it's for.But they are manipulative and play on our guilt. If all else fails they often say, "That's it. I'm going to kill myself."

    My son did the latter until I started calling 911 every time he said it.

    We have zero control over our grown adult children, but we have control how WE behave toward them. I strongly recommend a twelve step group for face time support, tough love groups, The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill which has classes for loved ones of those who are "off", and also a good private therapist. Maybe a combination of a few support systems. This is too hard to do alone. A really good set of books are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty and "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Boundaries is written with a Christian slant, but if you are of a different religion or have none, you can still gain a lot from the parts that are not biblical. That does not take away from it's wisdom. Same with Twelve Step Groups. I am closer to a combination of Buddhist and New Ager than anything and both sources have helped me A LOT!
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Awwwww. It stinks doesn't it.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hey lostmyson and Joprit, I know you both are hurting, but I want to say this to you both tonight. I remember well when someone said it to me, long ago, and for some reason it penetrated.

    "You're not powerful enough to make somebody do or not do something, or to be or not be a certain way. Who do you think you are, that you are so powerful?"

    It was said ironically, with a wry chuckle, but you know something: IT IS TRUE. We are not God. We just aren't.

    We are parents, not God. Imperfect people who did and do the very best we can with what we have today and what we know today.

    That is all we can do. That is all we could ever do.

    I don't believe we are powerful enough to cause our adult children to be drug addicts or criminals or drug dealers or liars or mentally ill.

    We want to take it all on when our children "don't turn out." Do we also claim all of the glory when they "do turn out."

    You can choose not to give up on yourself and your life. You can choose to find joy and peace and happiness. I know the dark night of the soul, because I have been there too.

    But I'll be darned if I am going to lose my life because my son has decided to throw his away. What good would that do anybody?

    Take a break from beating yourselves up. People do what they decide to do. Until they decide to stop. It's just that simple, and wild horses can't change it.

    Warm hugs to you both. Please keep posting here. Take what you like and leave the rest---everybody has the right to make their own decisions. But remember this: It's not about you. It's about them.
  10. Joprit

    Joprit New Member

    ChildofMine, thank you for what you wrote. It helps.