Saw difficult child yesterday

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 20, 2014.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    So my difficult child is now in another halfway house... residential program. We saw him yesterday briefly when we took him some of his clothes. He didnt really want to take us inside to visit because I think he is a little embarrassed to have his parents come in, in front of the other guys. That is ok but we got to talk a little bit with him outside.

    I had taken him there last week and it was an awful ride, he was mad at me and a jerk and I was sick. He called me the next day and apologized which was amazing as it is the first time he has ever called to apologize and not asked for anything. He has called a couple of times since and we have had good conversations. He has not asked for money or for cigarettes which is also big progress!! All he asked was for us to bring him some of his stuff.

    In his first call he sounded depressed and it is hard for him to adjust, once again to a new place. But yesterday he sounded good, up beat and motivated. He even mentioned a guy from the last place who has just graduated that program and been clean for 18 months... he said he was thinking of asking him to be his sponser. For him to even mention that was progress.

    I feel like we are inching towards a closer relationship with of course set backs along the way....

    oh and much to my relief his girlfriend is not pregnant!

    Now we shall see how things go. In a few days at this place he will be allowed to get 5 hour passes....and I am not sure how he will handle that. It will give us a chance to see him, but also gives him a chance to get in trouble. But I cant do anything about that.


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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    We take any glimmer of progress and celebrate with guarded hearts. I imagine the anger that he threw at you on the trip was his way of deflecting it away from himself. (((((HUGS)))))
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    TL, reread your own post above, and then, just sit with it all for a few minutes glad.

    This is great and wonderful progress for you and for him.

    I am praying that it continues and that you both are on the path to a new way of living.

    Keep posting! Life is not without its fits and starts. ;);)
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am glad and also very aware that as we have talked a bit before have reacted to the trauma of it all...... yesterday when he didnt call I had this flash negative fantasy of my calling the place and being told it didn't happen.... and I had to fight this sense of panic. Then today my husband and I went to a lovely area for a nature walk and we were starting out and I noticed a missed call from difficult child. He doesnt yet have his cell phone at the place so it was the residents phone there... I tried calling back and no one picks up. So then again I went into this image of him calling that he had been kicked out. Logically I knew that was unlikely and that he would call back but it still put me on edge.... he did call back a while later (not too long into the walk) and he had forgotten to tell me that he had called the jail about his property (wallet and phone) and sent them a fax, and that I would need to call to set up a time when I can pick it up. (I am willing to do this since the jail is like 2 minutes from my house and an hour by car for him, much longer by subway or bus) But Phew that is good news, he followed through and made the call!!

    I know this is all do to the trauma of having been through this so many times. Somehow though I need to find ways to keep letting things go and when these things come up not letting them get me into a sense of panic. How do the rest of you do this?

    And the truth is given his history and pattern my fear of this is not totally unrealistic but it doesnt make any difference cause I still cant do anything about it.


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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wasn't very good at not worrying. I have to tell you TL that even today when difficult child calls and I see the number on caller ID I worry. I have to fight the urge to answer it "what's wrong" which I did for a very long time. Even my husband says he gets concerned when she calls.

    I had to wonder when you said he called and asked for some of his things, does he still have any of his things there? I'm glad he's in a program and thinking about a sponsor and hope he keeps moving forward. I love that you went for a nature walk, that always relaxes me.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    He has literally left things all over the country as he gets kicked out of places... its nuts. This last couple of times I went and picked up stuff. I am talking mostly about clothes really.

    I think the whole issue of helping is a balancing act. I definitely dont want to be working harder than he is and yet I still feel it is reasonable to help him pick up stuff as he does not have a car and getting out our way via public transportation is difficult. And to be honest it is nice having him in the same state and getting to see him now and then (but definitely not living with us).


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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    TL one thing I try to ask myself before I do anything for him is this: is this reasonable? Am I about to do something for him he can do for himself? I think it is reasonable to do what he asked In this case.

    Also on worrying....I used to be a world class worrier. One time my mom gave me an embroidered pillow on a brass stand that said: worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse.

    The only way to stop worrying about anything or anybody is to do the real daily work of letting go, of recovery. Are you going to alanon? I find that the more meetings I go to the more peaceful I am inside. I am more and more able to let go.

    Warm hugs. He is right where he needs to be today so go and enjoy your say

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  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yes I have a parents alanon meeting I go to which has been wonderful.....and believe me I have come a long long way from 3 years ago when I found this sight.

    And yes your question is the right one....can he do this himself? I would say I dont do much anymore that he can do for himself.


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