Searching for opinions

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Mar 16, 2019.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Update son has been in rehab for 45 days he is due to be out this Wednesday. I just received a call from him with him stating his fears and anxiety about being back in the real world.
    Remember he had lost everything he owns in his car. He told me he only has house shoes on and the clothes on his back when he gets out.
    He had a plan when he got out to go straight to a sober living house but unfortunately the house has not contacted him back. He dont know where to go or how he's going to get back to our town. Hes 4 hours away from me.
    I am at a lost on what I should do without enabling him? As his mother I plan to help with clothes and shoes. I'm not sure if I should go pick him up and bring him home until he can get into a sober house or have him be sober and homeless out in rural town. I'm really needing advice here.
    Joysheph
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Has the rehab facility not given him any options for after care? The rehab might be able to find a sober living house or a place he can go.
     
  3. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I asked and he said that most people in there are court ordered and has a case manager. But he volunteered to go so he has no case manager. I told him to request one.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I don't buy it.

    He's putting everything on others. If the sober living house did not call back, he should keep calling. Or call others. But. There should be somebody at the facility helping with discharge planning. If it were me I would call the facility and deal with them, not him.

    To me, it sounds like he's setting you up so that he can come home to you. Once you let him in, in my experience, he will backslide. He will be dependent and want to call the shots, if he's like my son.

    There are thousands of sober living homes. Not just one. There are homeless shelters too.

    It is said by some that it is better for a recovering person to be away from their home town. At home there are the usual suspects that live in the lifestyle one wants to leave.

    He is making himself a sad, sad case, with only house slippers to wear, so that you take pity and do everything for him. I don't remember his age, but if he's 26 or under he can go to Job Corp. It is a free federal job training program, with free room and board. It is supervised. My son went. They are all over the country. He can get in quickly. Like a week or so, even.

    I really feel that if you bring him home, he will have no incentive to leave or to do for himself. But I surely understand if you bring him home. Worry is very hard to deal with.
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2019
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I've never heard of a rehab with residents not assigned a caseworker. It just doesn't happen, nor does it make sense. Every rehab I've known of (and I used to work in the prison system) has after care plans in place before residents leave. They don't just kick them out on the streets in their slippers or they will just end up right back in rehab again. I think he's manipulating you. Let him figure it out. He's an adult.
     
  6. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thanks yall it could very may be manipulation. I think I'll wait and see what happens before I drive all that way. I'm going to research and see what after care is available.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It smells fishy Joysheph.

    Don't get involved. You can buy him a few things once he gets settled in the sober house. 45 days sober is not very long - at all. He needs to continue on his journey. It is not your journey.

    Let him know that you love him but please don't bring him home. He will surely relapse quickly if you do.

    Been there/done that.
     
  8. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Just heard a voice mail from son stating how he get out on Thursday. His message kinda ticks me off! He said "I know you get off work at 5 so if you can be here at 8:30 to pick me up." Really, really, really. The sound of his voice is so sincere. Ugh! Why in the heck am I supposed to jump in the car drive 4.5 hours away after working? Blows my mind how he dont acknowledge all the crap he has done to me and expects me to help out just because he has been sober for 45 days and went to rehab willingly! I don't know. I'm so sick and tired of him thinking he can come home or stay in my yard. I've called the cops for trespassing, I've had him arrested, I've watched him sleep on the porch or in his car in the cold and I did not have him come inside. He dont care. I dont know what he is going to do out there.
    Joysheph
     
  9. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son was in the hospital's psychiatric ward for three days to stabilize after deliberately overdoing on his medications. He was told he would not be discharged unless he had a stable safe place to go and they wouldn't just take his word for it, it had to be confirmed. If they do that for a three day crisis stabilization I would think a longer term facility like a rehab would operate the same way. My son asked if he could stay with me and my husband when he got out, but after I told him definitely not, he was able to get into a recovery home the same day as his discharge. I don't know if he found the place, if his psychiatric team found it, or if they found it together.I agree with Copabanana, I would call the facility and get the straight story on what is and isn't being done.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    He is making a huge assumption here. I'm guessing that you never told him you would come and get him.
    I agree with the others have said in regards to the facility not discharging without some sort of plan in place. Also, he's been there 45 days and in that time I'm sure they counselled him on what to do when he left there. I know that standard is 30 meetings in 30 days. I totally get that he's anxious about being away from the strong structure of the facility he's been staying but if he were really working on staying sober, I would like to think he would be telling you what his plans are for staying sober.
    If he's really committed to staying sober he could stay in a shelter and attend meetings.

    I learned a long time ago whether my son was coming out of a group home, jail / prison or half way house, to always be cautious of the stories he would tell me. Always call whatever facility it is to verify what he's telling you. I remember one time when my son was being released from prison, he told me that he needed my SS# in order to get a prison ID upon his release. I didn't buy it so I called the prison and was told this is a scam inmates run. My son would have taken my SS# and sold it to get money. ALWAYS be cautious of what you are being told.

    Helping him out with some clothes purchased from a thrift store is a kind thing to do but I would not give him any money.

    Let us know how things are going.