Sensitive Topic

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rose481, Jul 30, 2013.

  1. rose481

    rose481 New Member

    daughter & sister in law have two boys 20 & 16 who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Both these boys masturbate...and I know that is not horrendous or unusual. But daughter tells me the 16-year old sneaks anything nylon out of her bedroom and she later finds it "after the deed" stuffed under his bed or stashed elsewhere. Does anyone have any suggestions about how this should/could be handled? I told you it was "sensitive"!! Anyone with special needs kids who have encountered this? TIA!
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    hi Rose glad you found us but sorry you needed to. OK sometimes I can't find any spoons and will go into Angel's room to find some but usually I don't go in there unless I have to; anyway my point being 16 & 20 yo's are old enough to clean their own rooms and do their own laundry.

    The only suggestion I have for your daughter is to lock her room, my kids take my stuff all the time I know how I feel when the realization sets in that I have been robbed. Doesn't matter if it's money, clothes, makeup or a piece of chocolate if I ever want to see it again I need to lock it up.

    There are many diagnoses that have hypersexual behavior listed as one of the symptoms, as a mom I usually looked at what area's the behavior were interfering with a kids life to determine if intervention is needed. I guess what I'm saying is if they are doing it at the dinner table or getting suspended from school it's time to bring it up in therapy but if it's in the privacy of their room... if their door is shut you want to knock first and wait for answer.

    Take care,
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is a tough topic. Of course part of how you deal with it must depend on the developmental and functional age of your difficult children, not just the number of years they have been on the planet.

    I have encouraged my children to understand that sexual feelings and behavioral are natural and not ugly or wrong but they are private things and are not to be shared with others until they are old enough and mature enough to make a special relationship iwth someone that they want to spend their lives with. I have stressed that while they are living with family members, masturbating and other sexual behaviors are to happen in the privacy of their own bedroom or when they are alone in the bathroom, not when other family members are in the same room. My children have all been able to understand this but of course it was not all tossed out at once, the main concepts were introduced gradually in age appropriate ways as the need or question arose.

    When it comes to taking something of another person's for their private use, asking is a MUST. If they cannot ask, they cannot have. If you are old enough to do the behavior, you are old enough to etiher ask or to use your money to purchase what you want. I have one child who was interested in sex at an age I consider far too young. When we learned that there was an issue, the child was told that if you are old enough to consider this type of action, then you MUST be old enough to discuss it with your parents, your partner, and to buy the protection you need or to ask me to buy it for you. If you cannot do either of these, you are NOT ready for the things you want to do. Period.

    It seemed to get through when put that way. Of course we stressed that every privilege comes with a responsibility. If you are old enough to fix your own snack, then you are old enough to tell Mom or write it down if you take the last of something. If you are old enough to watch tv, you are old enough to put your toys away. That type of things.

    In your situation, I think your son has found somethng that feels good. I would encourage him to use his own money to purchase the nylons. Or to ask you to purchase some for him to have.

    As he has taken your daughter's item, he must replace it. Period. In our house if you take something that is someone else's, you have to replace it AND give them the amount of money it cost. You basically pay double the price that you would have to pay to buy your own or to have if you asked Mom or Dad to pick it up for you. I started that when one of the kids ate an entire bag of chocolate chips an hour before I needed them to put into cookies for a party at school. As that child had been with me at the store an hour before that when we bought them at school, and that child knew very well that they were not just to be eaten, I was frustrated and upset. It was one time too many and too blatant, and just making them replace the item was not enough.

    The double penalty seemed to make an impact. they had to leave their book, game, show, whatever to go to the store iwth me, to spend whatever time I wanted at whatever stores I wanted to go to regardless of what they wanted to do or what practice/game/whatever they were expected to be at, and they had to do this without griping because that made me show slower and much longer. Then they had to pay for the item and the tax, navigate the whole purchase experience, then go home and give the same amount of money to the person they took the item from. I have a real gift for making some errands go veeeeeery slowly when a child is annoying me. Bad behavior in a store does NOT mean you don't go. It means you go more until you learn to show only good behavior. Good behavior means you get a treat, maybe some small toy or junk food, fun time with mom, and time looking at what interests you. Bad behavior? Mom needs to look at whatever you don't want to look at, no treat, and mom isn't that much fun, not mean but not fun. My kids learned EARLY that it did NOT bring anything you wanted to be a problem out in public with Mom. It was an important lesson, and one that really helped when issues of using other people's things came up.

    Oh, and if I had to drive any real distance to replace the item? My kids had to pay for the gas to get there and back, and a drink for mom. If they were brats they could also buy me lunch. As it takes about 90 min to drive to the nearest mall and many large stores, there could be 3 hrs driving time to drive that distance, so they had to fgure that into their cost of taking someone else's belonging.

    Most kids with special needs have some degree of sensory integration disorder/sensory processing disorder. It very well may be the feel of the nylons is what your difficult child wants, not specifically his sister's nylons. For now I would probably work with that, and have him purchase the nylons he uses rather than taking hers, in addition to replacing hers. I would not approach this in a way that would make him feel like a deviant or pervert, but rather a person with the same urges that everyone else has but with a limited ability to handle it in socially appropriate ways without explicit directions, just the way playground behavior and other social rules need to be taught.

    If it ends up that he is fixated on his sister's nylons rather than nylons for the way they feel against his body, that is a whole other bucket of worms and you will need a professional to help with that. It seems more likely that he doesn't know how to handle obtaining the texture that feels good in any other way. Providing a way to get the item without embarrassment or taking what isn't his is probably a far healthier way to approach the situation.

    It is a sensitive topic, and of course we have other thoughts/advice if it is his sister's item that he is fixated on rather than the item itself. But at least for now it would be best to not jump to the topic of incest because you don't want to introduce an idea that could become a major problem if it isn't there. With some of our kids if you jump to the wrong thing and there is a big emotional payoff (good or bad) such as mom getting all upset, that idea can get 'stuck' and become a far bigger problem than the original issue was.

    I hope that last part made sense. It does in my head, but i am not sure if it is stated the way I want it to be. If it doesn't make sense, let me know and I am sorry!

    Putting a lock on daughter's door and expecting her to use it is important also. She has a right to have her stuff be left alone, and difficult child NEEDS to replace her nylons. He can learn to wash out nylons when he has his own, but daughter should not have to wear nylons that he has used. It would make her uncomfortable. difficult child needs to learn that making someone uncomfortable in this way is as unacceptable as stealing is.

    I don't know if there are social stories about this, but if you cannot find one then maybe you could create one for him to help him learn this.

    I hope some of this is helpful to you! welcome!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm a simple minded person and often opt for a simple solution.

    If he has his own stash of nylons, and is required to keep them clean, it should prevent him from snatching mom's. (I can already think of various reasons other than fetish of why he uses them)

    I would make it clear that while what he is doing is normal, there are rules to such behavior that must be followed.

    At 16 mom should not be cleaning his room. Even if she has to stand there and supervise, he should be cleaning it himself.

    Sensitive topic.......but there have been times when I've had to post much worse myself. lol

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others and dont worry about topics...I have posted far more sensitive things!