Should I Be Worried With Son In Jail?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Catmom, May 11, 2017.

  1. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    As many of you remember, my son went to jail over 6 weeks ago. He has called his father and me both every day. Sometimes twice a day. He had to make some tough, and to me scary, decisions while in jail. He had to make these decisions with-o any advice from us bc we would not allow him to talk about his case over the phone as it is recorded, and his father being in the field before he retired warned against it. If we could logically guess, my son knew some ppl that were also involved in a lot of illegal activity. To me, it sounds like my son made a deal to cooperate and maybe help the situation. He also had one last court hearing this week and then chances were, he would be released. His father and I both have not heard from him in a week. I thought it was unusual n when I contacted his father yesterday, he said he was getting a little worried too, which scares me as he used to work for the system. He called the prison but we didn't get any answer. We aren't looking to talk to son, just want to know he is safe. They would not tell us anything at all. Due to these circumstances, I am going a little crazy just trying to confirm my son is ok. My ex, his father, called the public defender but no one has gotten back to him.
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I would go with "no news is good news"
    I would like to think that if something had happened to him they would reach out to you.
    I know it's hard not to worry but remember, worrying won't change a thing.
    I hope you hear something soon.

    ((HUGS)) to you.......................
     
  3. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Catmom,
    My son has never been in jail but did go 'on the run' recently and we were pretty worried (I'm sure you remember). It's amazing how that feeling can come back even when we think we have detached. You will find out soon what the situation is I'm sure. One thing I've come to realize is with these kids, their situations are very temporary. Of course, what we worry about is the kind of situation that ends up being permanent. But like Tanya says worrying won't change that. Hugs ()
     
  4. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    Thank you for your replies bluebell and Tanya. I have finally received answers to everything and I go between feeling shocked and sad that my son was involved in such illegal activity under my nose. I mean goodness he lived with me when some of this stuff was going on. He is still in jail, his father ( who was a detective in his other life)has talked to his contacts from his past and they said that they need to keep my son locked up because right now it is the safest place for him to be. I am told that one day when this is all over, my son will need to move away. I am handling it well but just when I think I have learned it all, there's more. And, my son never needed anything. He was your average middle class kid.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Catmom

    Glad he is okay at least so you don't have to worry about THAT.

    We all question WHY our kids choose a path that is not common to what we would choose for them and/or goes against every fiber of the way we have raised them. I think the answer is "there is no answer". I finally gave up on trying to figure it out and am trying to focus on more productive ways to spend my time and energy.

    I know now that I have become so much more compassionate towards so many parents of so many kids that are causing them pain.

    My therapist says I actually have "compassion exhaustion" right now because I just feel like I'm shutting down at times. I have to replenish myself and that could take a long time.

    Focus on the good in your life. Try to take good care of yourself and have a Happy Mother's Day!
     
  6. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I understand catmom. My son in a very short time had gone from a non functioning pothead to someone with thousands of dollars, huge piles of drugs being delivered via the darknet to my home and elsewhere and firearms in his possession. He was arrested in February but got off because he gave information. Which has made him very unsafe out in the world that he was released to. Yet he continues. Thinks it is safe, just one more time, etc etc. It is truly another level that I was unprepared for. I've never felt safe with him around but I was always scared of what he will do. Now I watch my back for those that could be after him and to stay out of the crossfire. I do not think he will ever be able to face what he has done and could still do to our successful middle class family. I am with you 100%. Hugs!
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree with focusing on your own life.

    We do not have mind reading abilities and I am convinced that none of us really know the full extent of our adult kids drug use. Its illegal, dangerous and scary and they dont share with us. If they did, would we feel so much sadness and sympathy? No. None of us really know how far the drugs drag them; what they are willing to do for drugs or even what or how much they use. We all tend to minimize it for our own sanity and out of a need to ferl hope. For the longest time I thought my daughter just smoked pot. Boy, was I wrong!

    After my daughter quit and seemed compelled to cleanse herself by telling all, I was shocked and mortified at the extend of her drug use and how she was happy to let a phoney diagnosis of bipolar get her sympathy. She also had people after her back in the day so she cut all ties and left the state. It turned out well for her to go, no forwarding address.

    Your son isnt that unusual for a drug addict. Frankly, he just got caught whereas others who do the same dont always get caught. My daughter insists all who use also sell. She said they go hand in hand. She has no reason to lie to me about this anymore since she is no longer in this horrible lifestyle.

    Try to take your life back. Suffering because of your son wont make your son one bit better. In fact it could inspire him if he sees you making a life for yourself.
     
  8. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    SOT,
    One of the most valuable things I have learned from this forum is the realization you shared that those who use also sell. And the networks surrounding this at the high school ages are just a precursor to the heavy drug trafficking that you see them graduate to in their early 20's. I know that everyone is different and these kids aren't a herd of cows moving along together, but the lifestyle and rituals (for lack of a better term) around it are somewhat universal. Not to get political but I heard the Attorney General talking about harsher sentencing for drug trafficking this morning, and it did make me shudder. Of course it is for the best, but it's difficult to think of your son going to prison for the better part of their life.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When you talk about hard drugs the people are pretty much the same. To get, you give. There are drug deals. My sweet faced daughter would find various speed for users then she would be in good standing to get drugs herself when she wanted. And from what she tells me now even when she was not behaving intoxicated to us, she was still heavily using.

    WE DO NOT KNOW EVEN IF WE THINK WE SEE EVIDENCE OF LESS OR NO USE.

    Often they sneak or go out at night to use while we sleep. Then they take downers to sleep all day so that they are refreshed for another night of drug use. Red flag...up all night/asleep all day/drug use. They arent being necessarily lazy, they are drugged. Yet they come up with the most convincing, heart wrenching lies as to why they are acting so strange. Mental illness gets the most sympathy. It worked for me. I bought it.

    There is a drug culture. Using is social and like people hang with like. So they all learn the rules.

    I refuse to say "our kids" which makes them sound 15 and naive. They are adults who happen to be our children and know exactly what they are doing.

    For the record i dont think we should tighten drug laws and not sure this admin will be able to get anything done with all its problems. Dont worry yet. I actually feel drug addicts should be locked into rehabs for their sentences. But that wont happen anytime soon.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Swot...we are in agreement. Free up prisons for criminals, drug addicts for possession or sale...just clogging the system and wanting tax payer smoney.

    Maybe more interventions when they are younger and better mental health awareness.

    No easy answers