Should we help?

[Albatross]

LBL, it sounds like it could be promising. If he's being honest about himself and sincerely asking for help to head in the right direction, that's great. Good job, warrior mom!

Copa, I'm so sorry you and M and your son are back in the dance. There is so much love between the three of you. I wish there was a path you all could walk in acceptance of each other.

 

[Littleboylost]

I do not want to hijack your thread lbl but will respond to rn.

Today is a nightmare. A neighbor to where we have the other house is trying to manipulate us to rent to him. He said he and his wife intervened to stop my son who had a rope around his neck (before he left our town.)

Apparently though my son said he went to the mh clinic in the metro where he is (long wait list) and had an appointment yesterday, I believe he did not go. Just lying.

More probable lies: That he has a Residential Treatment Center (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) to go to in the southern part of our state.

In any event he just told me he'd kill himself before he returned to the town where we live.

Okay. Crystal clear. Blocked his number. I must be serious. I figured out how to do it.

I do not see a way back. My son appears to feel the same way. He just torpedoed the bridge.

Earlier today I felt frantic and afraid. Now. Calm and sad.

Copa I hate that whole roll of emotions, I feel for you my heart is with you.

 

[ColleenB]

LBL sounds like a roller coaster for you! I know how exhausting that is..... try to practice some self care... a burnt out mom isn't any good to anyone. I know you are a caretaker by trade and sometimes we think we are better at this but the truth is you can't give from both ends....

Our son has been a bit erratic lately and I question drug use but having him out of the house is actually really helping my own mental health. I am sure he isn't clean and he isn't telling me the whole truth but I can't do anything and being apart is better.

I would have done the exact same thing you did and got him a hotel room. We do what we think is best for our kids and sometimes it means having to keep them safe. I will never apologize for doing what I think j have to when it comes to his safety. Enabling is something real but keeping my kid alive is also very real.

Take care friend..... hugs for your hurting heart tonight

 

[Littleboylost]

I just read some incredibly wise and helpful words.

https://multimedia.getresponse.com/...28.671640527.1502825529-1249003635.1499856467
I hope the link works. What I realize we did was buy ourselves peace of mind. We had a calm day. At lunch today I think someone was ready to call the loony bin. We passed a lovely garden and I said I miss having the lovely flowers we passed. They were Echinatia, my husband looked and said oh the One Eyed Susans, he meant Black Eyed Susan's. I just couldn't stop laughing and soon he joined in. Black Eyes Susan's will now forever be known as the pirate of flowers. Oh man it felt good to destress and laugh. There were a lot of arrrr jokes to follow.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you for your support ladies.

Lbl. I picture you as a young woman. Surely not old enough to remember One Eyed Jack.

I loved that movie. Marlon Brando. I love that you guys laughed.

Albatross, lbl and anybody. What would loving acceptance of my son look like? What am I not seeing?

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa there is nothing missing. One thing I learn is the underlying sense of unease never subsides no matter what we do.
I know what it is like not to be in the same page as your other half. It can be very challenging. I chose to step back and allow my husband time to process and come to terms with our sons behavior. This meant allowing my son to stay, when I felt like it was time for him to leave.
Some times we need to distance ourselves and self heal. Self care is not selfish care.
My suggestion is focus on you. Think about what you need for a calm sustainable life. Then decide how your son fits into that. Share this with your loved one and try come to to common plan of action.
Loving your son is not the question. By simply struggling with this issue tells us that you love your son.
I am not so young and I do remember One Eyed Jack. I have a sister named Susan

 

[Albatross]

LBL, you both needed a good laugh!

Copa, that is a good question. I don't know. I obviously suffer from acceptance issues myself.

I think acceptance is harder when they are underfoot, especially when we have expectations of change on their part. I think M feels some responsibility to fix or change your son, and you feel responsibility to make sure your son will be ok after you are not around to watch out for him anymore. Your son comes up short of these expectations, and it causes all of you hurt. I think you all have been through this cycle of having him back, having him not live up to what you expected, having him leave, and it's so very hard on all of you.

So I don't know. Maybe explore through counseling what reasonable expectations are, and what boundaries you are all comfortable with? Maybe drop ALL expectations and just spend a couple of hours a week in a benign visit, just listening and being with him? And definitely what LBL said, about focusing on your own life, and what RE said, about having YOUR peace of mind be what drives your efforts.

 

[ColleenB]

Copa I know for me acceptance of my sons choices has been a huge roller coaster going from times of calm to all out terror!

I think we each have to find our own way of accepting and working through this experience of having addicted kids. No two paths are alike since no two addicts are alike. What works for your son may not work for mine.... and vice versa.

To me the common thread is OUR acceptance that we have done what we can and know when we can't do anymore... it's out of our hands. When I can help him I do.... and when I can't I have to accept that too.

This has fundamentally changed me as a human being. I am a very different person than I was before his addiction. Things that were important to me no longer are, and maybe my true self has shown itself. I don't need approval from others like I once did. I am the one who has to live with my decisions.

We all are doing the best we know how in exhausting and horrifying circumstances at times.... let's be kind to each other and support each persons journey even if it doesn't look like ours. THis is why I come here. My friends in real time cannot relate and therefor have more judgments. I feel acceptance here.

 

[mof]

Copa and Colleen,

I agree! We are so different and what mattered in life before , or what we thought mattered is not as important as LIFE itself.

Then there is the we can only choose our life...

I have days of crippling sadness that I try to push through, days of anger, and sometimes days I feel normal, as normal as we all get!

Love to both of you, mof

 

[RN0441]

Last night I told two of my oldest friends about my son's latest setback. One used to babysit for him and has always had a fondness for him. They were crushed by the latest development and how bad his addiction is. We have all been friends since we were 16 years old.

I can tell it without tears now. I almost cried but I didn't and in some ways I feel that I have turned a corner of strength and in other ways I feel like my heart has hardened and I don't know how I feel about that. It's almost like I'm talking about someone else's life.

They both agreed that I have to take care of MYSELF and that my health and well being is important and that I cannot save another human being. I have to step back and let him learn how to save himself and I have to accept the reality of his choices. We live in a world with a lot of temptation and only he can decide how he wants to live his life. I have to accept that there are no answers.

I did check on him today through his Program Director and he said he was happy to hear that my son got a sponsor last night. Now we are all sitting back and hoping that he does the work that he needs to do. Here we go again.

 

[Littleboylost]

Last night I told two of my oldest friends about my son's latest setback. One used to babysit for him and has always had a fondness for him. They were crushed by the latest development and how bad his addiction is. We have all been friends since we were 16 years old.

I can tell it without tears now. I almost cried but I didn't and in some ways I feel that I have turned a corner of strength and in other ways I feel like my heart has hardened and I don't know how I feel about that. It's almost like I'm talking about someone else's life.

They both agreed that I have to take care of MYSELF and that my health and well being is important and that I cannot save another human being. I have to step back and let him learn how to save himself and I have to accept the reality of his choices. We live in a world with a lot of temptation and only he can decide how he wants to live his life. I have to accept that there are no answers.

I did check on him today through his Program Director and he said he was happy to hear that my son got a sponsor last night. Now we are all sitting back and hoping that he does the work that he needs to do. Here we go again.

 

[Littleboylost]

They both agreed that I have to take care of MYSELF and that my health and well being is important and that I cannot save another human being.

I agree as well. I don't know if you saw the link above RN but it is super helpful advice from JRs FB page. It really helped me a lot. I look at the emotions we go through like survivors of a tragedy. It doesn't change by how we react and over time we learn to cope with less anxiety and emotional break down. That is not a hrdened heart that is self preservation and reality. Be kind to yourself.

 

[RN0441]

I agree as well. I don't know if you saw the link above RN but it is super helpful advice from JRs FB page. It really helped me a lot. I look at the emotions we go through like survivors of a tragedy. It doesn't change by how we react and over time we learn to cope with less anxiety and emotional break down. That is not a hrdened heart that is self preservation and reality. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks for the reminder. Yes I did read it when she first posted it but I think I need to read it every day!

 

[Littleboylost]

We have prepared ourselves for our conversation we will have with our son tomorrow. We will not have it at home as we both agree it would be too emotional to make him leave.

We have an application form for Portage and a consent form printed off. It is similar to the program we are waiting for a bed to come up again for him in Pine River. These are both 6 month in patient programs. There is a 1-4 month waiting list and his out patient counselor is supporting the fact that he needs in patient care. He will be accepted in Portage if we can initiate his application and assessment before he turns 18. We will tell him if he agrees to go he can come home. We will still have the same rules. We will not tolerate drug use in our home or disrespect but what do we do if he uses while he is waiting for his Rehab bed??? That is if he agrees to go. We are praying by some miracle that a bed becomes available sooner than later at either program, and that he agrees to go.

If we had $45,000 we could get him in to either program straight away. Wish I did.

 

[StillStanding]

LBL

I'm also in Canada. I'm sorry any of us are here. But, it is helpful to hear from more Canadians just because the services and laws are different.

I love our country and it's health care. But, I think it is damaged when it comes to mental health and addiction treatment. My son has been on the waiting list for inpatient so many times I've lost count. I believe he desperately wants help in the moment but 3 months later when the spot comes up he's spiraling again. I considered paying the $40k it would take for him to be able to go on a moments notice the next time he says he's ready. I would have to remortgage my house. The problem, of course, is that it probably won't work. I would pay any price for my son to have his life back but I don't want to burn money for someone who can't help themselves.

I hope the waitlist and your son are ready at the same time.

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL

I'm also in Canada. I'm sorry any of us are here. But, it is helpful to hear from more Canadians just because the services and laws are different.

I love our country and it's health care. But, I think it is damaged when it comes to mental health and addiction treatment. My son has been on the waiting list for inpatient so many times I've lost count. I believe he desperately wants help in the moment but 3 months later when the spot comes up he's spiraling again. I considered paying the $40k it would take for him to be able to go on a moments notice the next time he says he's ready. I would have to remortgage my house. The problem, of course, is that it probably won't work. I would pay any price for my son to have his life back but I don't want to burn money for someone who can't help themselves.

I hope the waitlist and your son are ready at the same time.

Still
I so hear you. I don't hold out much hope there. Look at my new thread Rant about Inefficiencies. I am so FRUSTRATED today. I have also been told the courts will rarely intervene in a court sentence and offer jail time vs rehab....are we in the bloody dark ages here.
I have been told by so many not to waste my money or I would be there with you with the cheque in hand. Pine River is a co pay and when the bed became available my son said No Way. We are hoping he is ready now and will go to either facility when a bed becomes available.

 

[RN0441]

Good grief we would not throw that kind of money around either - especially knowing HOW MANY TIMES our son has been in rehab.

We are so very fortunate we have excellent insurance and have not paid one dime for care since son has been in Florida. I do not even look at the EOB's when they come in because I do not want to know what this is costing our insurance company!

 

[Littleboylost]

Good grief we would not throw that kind of money around either - especially knowing HOW MANY TIMES our son has been in rehab.

We are so very fortunate we have excellent insurance and have not paid one dime for care since son has been in Florida. I do not even look at the EOB's when they come in because I do not want to know what this is costing our insurance company!

Insurance in Canada rarely covers rehab because the Minisry of Health covers rehab....if tou can wait 1-12 months for a bed. Rediculous. We have excellent health insurance and they won't cover a dime.

 

[RN0441]

My ex and his wife live near Toronto. She has an inoperable brain tumor so he had to move to Canada. He met her when he was there on business. She had it when they met. She's fine though so it's odd.

 

[Littleboylost]

Slow growing obviously. Perhaps it was the cause of her indiscretion in marrying your X