Sick and tired of this

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lonelyone, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. lonelyone

    lonelyone New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I posted here several years ago about my son a few times. I've been here since that time, silently reading. I am somewhat afraid to post for fear of my story being discovered by my family.

    I have done alot of work on myself since I last posted here. I participate in a variety of self help groups. For the most part I am no longer lonely. I have a good support system. I take care of myself. eat healthy, and exercise.

    Things with my son are not good at all. He is in his mid 20's and about to be thrown out of his latest living situation. I will not take him into my home. He is likely to be homeless. Yesterday I spoke with him about what his options are and suggested a variety of things that included mental health interventions and substance abuse treatment. I know how to detach but where I get stuck is understanding what he is actually capable of doing for himself due to his mental health issues. I do not know how he will choose to proceed. He is angry and very good at blaming people, places and things for his circumstances. He does not respect boundaries AT ALL.

    I'd love to go into more detail but cannot on a public forum. There are things I would very much like to receive feedback on from others who get this.

    The bottom line is that I'm afraid my son will die.

    I am sad and scared. I wish I had the power to fix it. I wish I could go back in time and do some things differently. This sucks.....
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Welcome back and sorry you have to be here.

    Many of us here are going through something similar but we are all in different stages. My son is almost 21 and in his fifth time in rehab after overdosing on Father's Day. We had sent him to Florida in March with the hopes he'd get his life together but this is the result.

    He is now back in IOP after detox and rehab. I told him last week that I cannot deal with his behavior anymore so to please talk to his dad if he needs to talk to "us". He is not ready to admit he really has a problem and doesn't think he should be where he is right now. I am seeing a therapist now for ME. I am just overwhelmed with this latest behavior and can't deal with his emotional baggage. He is not yet ready to change.

    The best thing I have learned here is to take care of myself and other family members and to detach. He is on his OWN journey. I can't change it. I can't fix him. We've tried everything. It's very hard to sit back and watch someone you love with all your heart destroy themselves.

    Addiction is an evil Demon. Living with a loved one that has it is truly hell on earth. There is great knowledge on this forum. We all GET IT.

  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome back Lo, so sorry for your need to be here, but I am glad that you posted.
    It does suck, big time. I am sorry for your fear and your aching heart. I am sorry that you cannot go into detail for fear of discovery....and, I get it. Lonelyone, it seems that you have a good head on your shoulders and an understanding of detaching. It is a hard journey we are all on, whether it be mental health issues, substance abuse or a combination, we yearn for our d cs to wake up and help themselves. It seems you, like many of us have tried to help, but the reality is that we cannot help someone who does not want it.
    We cannot go back and change whatever past circumstances were.This is something most of us are dealing with, the blame. Blame keeps our d cs from looking in the mirror. They are very good at pulling at our heartstrings to keep us feeling bereft and guilty, so that we will enable them. It is a part of cycling through this madness along with them. Don't. Cycle. Don't accept responsibility, past or present, for decisions and choices an adult child is making. Blame and guilt is an illness, a contagion that we must build immunity to. If we accept blame, than our d cs will not take on their part of it, that the choices and consequences of those choices belong solely to them.
    This is the case with many of our d cs. No respect for boundaries. But, we respect boundaries, and must keep firm with the lines we draw.
    What is unacceptable? They need to learn what we have taught them from the beginning, that disrespect is intolerable. I think the best way to teach them is to stand firm on those lines and not take the :censored2: thrown our way. Put up the shield. Still love them, but stand firm. Put on your armor dear, you are a warrior battling for your right to live well. By living well, you are showing your son how to.
    :staystrong: and keep posting, it really, really helps.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi lonelyone and welcome back. I worry about my anonymity too, not because family members will find me but because I have a profession, where I am supposed to know better and do better.

    I have come to the decision for me, that I am human. That disclosing such should neither surprise anybody nor give them an advantage over me. Because, after all they are too--human.
    Well. We are in the same situation. My son, now 27, receives SSI for mental illness. He has been here for about 5 or 6 months, and we have reached a crossroads because it seems he is not progressing and that was a condition of his being here, that he improve his life, not veg. While he has been working for us, he has done nothing to improve his life. Now that is a condition. We require that he get treatment and implement and work towards goals.

    Today he is calling various treatment options, including his insurance to see what is possible. And maybe more. I know he is doing that because a past insurance company called me (it is my insurance.) I am fully prepared to insist he leave if he does not follow through. I am ready to do so. He was gone from our home for over 4 years while he was homeless in 4 or 5 counties for at least half that time. The rest of the time he depended upon the kindness of other people until he wore out his welcome. So I do understand your situation, as it is more or less equivalent to my own.
    I know. That is exactly where we are. But our bottom line is he needs to find support in the community to work through or to assist him with his limitations. I am not a spring chicken. He has to find a way to live in the world without me. Because that will be his life one day.
    Many of us have had to live with and confront this, that either because of drug addiction or unwise choices, criminality or illness--that we may have to face the illness and death of our child and go on. I am one of them. My son has a chronic illness which requires treatment, or he will die. He believes he can control it through diet and lifestyle choices. No physician I have ever spoken too, believes this is the case. He refuses to take the medication that will slow the progression of his disease, put it in remission.

    A turning point for me was when I realized that I had no control over his living or dying. None. And when you think about it, what parent does have that control over an adult child? Look at JFK Jr., whose arrogance and risk-taking and sense of his own invulnerability killed himself and 2 other sisters. Did those parents ultimately have any control over the fate of their 2 daughters? No. Our situation is little different.

    Your son will either learn to make better choices and make them, or he will not. You can either accept that you cannot control his living or dying, or not. Your choice.

    I am glad you are back and hope that you keep posting. Take care.
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    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  5. karisma

    karisma Member

    Hi Lonleyone, I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I am too. My son is also very ill and I really do not think that:

    a) he has the capability to choose to do differently because he does not live in reality


    b) that he is going to survive for many more years (months?)

    I have been crying for weeks over it, but I can't do anything about it. I am just shocked at how deeply and completely the sorrow over him has taken root in my soul. It is something that I can not talk myself down from.

    I am learning by constantly reading this site that maybe this detachment thing could at least save my life, but I just can't let go yet, mainly because I do not think it is within him to do any better because of how very very ill he is.

    Im sorry you are suffering. You are not alone in it.
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Sorry you are so heartbroken. I think that this is part of the grieving process.

    I have felt that way too. I know that I have been grieving for some time over my son and his choices and his life! He is sad his life is the way it is but he is the one that has made it this way.

    As his house manager told me who is a recovering addict, when they are sick of suffering and have had enough pain they will change. I'm waiting for that.
  7. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member


    The last two lines of your signature? Fit my son to a tee, and I use the same exact phrase to describe him: He's my favorite person in the whole world.

    My heart breaks for your heartbreak. I have lived it, am still living it. However, for my son today there is hope: He is incarcerated (as you'll see in my signature) and he is safe.

    You are not, none of us, are alone. I pray for your hurting heart, that you may find peace. I add your son to my prayers as well.
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