Sick at heart...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well it looks like my difficult child is going to end up on the streets tonight!! We got a call from the sober house. difficult child was seen taking a wallet from another resident tonight... someone was missing $20 yesterday and then he was actually observed taking a wallet... and went off property without permission going to the store where he bought the spice last time. So needless to say they are kicking him out tonight. They have given him chances and done everything they can for him.... and he is basically just saying a big F U to all of us.

    I know at some point we will be getting that call asking for money, or for us to pay rent at a different place or something. I think we have to just tell him no to all of it. We will continue to pay for the therapist and we probably won't kill his phone.... but other than he is going to have to figure this out on his own.

    Gosh I hope I can stick to this when we get that phone call.

    I am scared to death that he won't survive.... but at the same time he cannot continue to do these things and survive either. So I know we have to really take a hard line this time.

    I suspect the next thing is he will be arrested... I almost hope that happens because I think I would rather have him in jail than on the streets.

    At least he is in a warmer climate than he would be up here.

  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    {{{{hugs}}}}} {{{{{more hugs}}}}}}
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm really sorry to hear this. ((HUGS)) Stay true to yourself and just keep reminding yourself of all those things you already know.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    BIG {{{hugs}}}
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh TL I was so worried when I saw the subject of this and saw it was you posting. I am so sorry. I got that call from difficult child's sober house while we were on our way to vacation in July. It's awful. My advice is if he calls for help tell him to find another sober house and get accepted and you will consider paying the rent but that's all. If he is arrested you can push for inpatient treatment and since he is indigent they may pay (at least they will in our state).

    This worry never goes away. Every time the phone rings and I see it's difficult child I worry. Every time I don't hear from her for a few days I worry. We learned in treatment that we can love them to death. I told difficult child that my worst fear was that she would die on the street but if she didn't get help she would die anyway.

    He's not ready to quit. I know it's easy for me to say but try to stay strong and focused on what needs to happen, for him to hit bottom enough to really want to get well.

  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs.
  9. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I'm so sorry, TL. You're handling it right. Many, many hugs.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The more I think about this the more I think he needs inpatient care. He must be going through withdrawal because he isn't stealing money and getting high surrounded by sober people unless he really needs it. I think that's his best hope right now. I don't know how to make that happen but it's what I would push for.

  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks for all your responses..... So right after i sent this post he called us collect. Didn't have his phone because he left that and all his id at the sober house. So I did call back the sober house to have them go and give him his stuff. He asked me about going back to detox.... and I told him he would have to call them. (which is one reason I made the call for his phone which he did get back). He then called me because he was having trouble getting their number from 411..... so I gave him the number. A few mintues ago he texted me that he was on his way there. He apologized for letting us down each time. I told him he was letting himself down and i hoped this time he would get honest about his issues and also really face his drug addiction.

    So at least I can sleep tonight knowing he is safe.

    I know the sober house guy feels we should really be hard on him and not help him at all... even with tx. I just cant do that. I can't turn my back on him when he is looking for treatment, even if he is doing it as a crutch and for a decent place to sleep.

    It does seem like each time he is the one asking for help and he gets a little closer to bottom each time. And I am thankful that he calls us when he is desperate.

    Nancy.... I don't know if he is in withdrawel or not. I think a lot of his behavior has to do with his defiance issues and i am going to do it my way and what I want etc.... however it is clear that emotionally he is very much addicted to drugs... as he was desperate to deal with his feelings with drugs. He told me tonight he doesn't know why he does those things... and I said you stole money to go buy spice, do you think this is the behavior of a drug addict?

    Anyway I agree he needs to be inpatient... and hopefully they will help him this time. I know the sober house won't take him back this time and personally I don't think they should.

    I really think coming back up here for court set him back too... a week with the girlfriend who I think then broke up with him did not help him at all!!!! Now however court is done and he does not need to come back here for anything.

  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think you are doing a great job and as I said before, I really do think you have healthy boundaries here. I know it still hurts and doesn't 'fix' him or the situation, but this is all you can do. I'd be a little cautious over the next couple of days until you know for sure that he did go to another appropriate place. That will become obvious and easily verified without going to outrageous lengths.
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    TL-I am so sorry that he is struggling so. I know it places an enormous emotional burden on you.

    Fwiw, I think you are doing the right thing by supporting a return to treatment. I would do the same thing. Yes, there may be a point in time when you say "no more" but you're not at that point. And that's ok.

    I wish your difficult child much luck this time and I wish you peace as he makes this transition. {{{hugs}}}
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so, so sorry..... (((HUGS)))
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am feeling very cautious... I can't say I am even hopeful at this point. I don't have a lot of faith at the moment that it will take this time. However I realized that at least at this point I could not live with myself if he asked for treatment, we refused and then he died on the street. I had gotten resigned to the fact that if he is on the street that might happen, and if he is there by his own choice and not wanting help there is nothing I can do.... but to refuse to help him and then have something happen... I just can't do that.

    So at this point helping him is as much for my own peace of mind. We are very clear though once he gets out of inpatient and to the next step we are not giving him any money.... we will help with rent etc. but no money will go to him directly.

    I will call the place today and see if I can get confirmation he is there... last time it seemed to take days for them to get clear he had signed the releases.

  16. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, TL. I can only imagine how heartsick this makes you. Keep in mind that many of our difficult children are survivors... they seem to find a way despite being thrown out again and again. Hang in there.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Fingers crossed that the call goes better than expected. Hugs. DDD
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with helping him into treatment. You want him to know you are there to support his treatment. But if he is not withdrawing why does he need detox? He is having physical problems being without a drug. He needs to feel high, otherwise he would not do this while surrounded by sober people in a sober house where they are all working the program. Or else being in a sober house is just a farce. I'm not trying to be harsh TL because you know I care a lot about you and him, but I really believe he is having difficulty staying away from drugs physically. If he wants to go to detox he knows he needs to get it out of his system. Think about it, he stayed in town with his girlfriend a few extra days to get high, he went to the sober house and within a couple days was having problems, so he steals money to get drugs. He needs to be detoxed and then be in a more structured environment before a sober house can work in my humble opinion.

    In any case I agree you should support his getting help.

  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I think he said detox because at the program he was at everyone goes to the detox section first... so they are looking at the physical and mental issues for anyone first coming in. I think he has a very strong need to avoid feeling pain and I think the girlfriend broke up with him again and so he was desperate for anything to stop the pain.... to me that is not really a physically addiction in that I don't think he would go through physical withdrawel.... but it is a strong psychological addiction and definitely, no question the behavior of a drug addict... I don't think pot or spice would cause a physical addiction. Of course it is totally possible he got something else somewhere along the line.

    I really don't know how serious he is. Last night it was 9 at night and he had no where to go and had no idea what to do. So he thought of detox at the rehab he had just been too... he thought detox because he knows that is the first stop at that program.

    I do think it is a good program and he made progress last time... but he has got to be willing to do the hard work to get better and that is going to mean letting himself feel the feelings he is trying so hard to avoid.

    Nancy you are not being harsh... you speak from the voice of experience. I do hope that somehow this time he will do what he needs to do to get better. I do think he sees that he has a problem which is a start.

  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I did check and he is there and is compliant...i guess this time he signed the releases properly which is good.