Smoking pots and drinking alcohols. Should we pay for his first year of college ?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beatrice Laroche, Jul 5, 2016.

  1. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    my stepson just turn 18. My husband and I were away for a week and my stepson used our house to party like crazy. His friends slept all over the house, in our bedroom and my office included. When we came back on Sunday, The house was trashed. Drugs and alcohols were used. They played beer-pong and broke a glass table, glasses everywhere in the patio, they destroyed some carpets. Toilets broken and filthy etc...On Friday our cleaning lady helped him clean the house for over 10 hours extra work. My stepson decided to threw a last party right before we landed on Sunday morning. It was a real mess everywhere.
    We do not get along with his mother. My husband does not talk to her and I do all the talking. But now she is not responding to me. She is babying him too much and she is upset that we left for vacation without telling her. My stepson is very closed to his mother. Right now he is with her because his father asked him to apologize and own his poor judgements and actions while we were Away. To avoid confrontation with henDad, my stepson is staying with his mother. He told him that he will stay at his mother the entire summer because he has not done anything wrong. Here is his house and he is entitled to threw a party and have friends over.
    He is set to go to college in August.
    Is it smart to let him go to college now, when he thinks that partying the way he did is normal and he did not do anything wrong?
    Should we waste college money when we are afraid that in college, he might party all the time.
    Is there any alternative to help him grow up and be responsible, before sending him out for college?
    What do you suggest us to do?
    We want the best for him, but do not want to waste money. We are both work hard for our money. My husband is out 12 hours per day to work. I work fm home, but work easy 10 hours/ day. His mother is a stay at home mother and my husband is responsible to pay for his son's tuitions.
    I need advises.
    Thank you for your help.
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, B.

    I am confused as to why your step-son's tuition is your responsibility.

    Since son has so much free time on his hands to have parties, he has time to get a job/work more hours and pay for his own college.

    He can also get loans.

    Most of us who have difficult/immature young adults going to college have found that allowing them to pay for college on their own helps them to decide if they are serious about their studies or not.

    Some parents offer to help pay back a college loan upon successful completion of a year or two of college if the grades are good (if they were planning on paying for the college originally).

    Paying for college for an entitled, ungrateful adult rarely ends well.

  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    by the way,

    Same thing happened at my house last year.

    Step-son no longer has the garage code.

    And we don't pay for college.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    First of all - WOW. I can't believe he has the guts to say this.

    A reasonable fear. While any kid might do that, yours has shown he has NO respect for you, your money, or your household. Why would he NOT just blow the semester on parties?

    Here's the thing...who has custody and what does their order say? If there is no court order to pay for college and dad has custody, then no...he's not "responsible" to pay a dime. If mom has custody and there is an order for dad to pay for college then yes, he can be forced to do so. She might just send the kid and the bill will go to dad.

    Depending on the custody/child support order, I'd talk to a lawyer. Might be a good idea even if there's nothing in there about it.
  5. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    Thank you Apple,
    In the divorce judgment, my husband has to pay for his son's college tuition. He put money aside for him, but do not want to waste it.
    My stepson works at a grocery store few afternoon/week for his pocket money, but uses it to pay for his marijuana and video games. He is very entitled and think that it is his Dad obligation to pay for his college in West Virginia.
    Cna he gets a loan even if we have money to pay for it?
    I am French and even though I have been in the USA for over 25 years, I do not know the law for college loan.
    It is a good advice. He can get a loan and if he is responsible with his study and gets good grades, my husband will pay for his loan, otherwise he is on his own to repay for his loan.
    Thank you
  6. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    Hi Lili,
    We have share custody. On the divorce judgement, my husband has to pay for his son's tuition. He has no problem paying for it, if it is not wasted. His mother will fight any of our decisions concerning her son. She is not paying for it.
    Thanks for the reply
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Read your agreement carefully before you pay.

    My hubby has a stipulation about paying for college, but it is written according to the laws in our state, which says that the student has to take out in loans as much as he can before the parents have to kick in (both parents in our case). Then the remaining costs are split three ways.

    Yes, your son can get loans easily.
  8. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    We are changing the locks in all doors and the garage codes too!
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is a preview of what he'll do at college. I would let mom do it or he can work. He sounds pretty disrespectful.

    Does his dad give him consequences?

    I vote college will be a train wreck.
  10. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    My stepson went straight to his mother on Sunday when we came back and does not want to face his dad. We have not seen him. My husband wrote him a letter explaining what he did wrong and asking for his answer and apology. No word from my stepson. Unfortunately, his mother is supporting him right now.
    My guess, because his is going to college soon, supporting his behavior make her look like his savior and allies in his bad behavior. So sad!
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Talk to a lawyer. It is entirely possible she could send him and stick dad with the bill. So find out. States differ on how the courts will handle college tuition in divorces.
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  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Not so much, based upon what Jabber and I experienced two years ago. Our son could only get $5,500 in loans for the year. "Family contribution" was supposed to pay the rest. That's why we're maxed out of our home equity loan - like we had the rest saved up! He paid his tuition to Jr. college, but we paid the room and board and books. If the parent's have any decent income, you can expect a big fat "NO" from the government on college these days.
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yes, our brave young man wouldn't talk to his dad for months, until he wanted something desperately enough. I think he thought he was punishing us.:laugh:

    He lives with his mom, too.

    All his dad really wanted was an apology and an admission of wrong-doing. Never got it.

    Even if you are stuck paying the first semester, you may be able to stop paying if the grades don't measure up.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    They can get unsubsidized loans, too.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If moms income is smaller than dads, and she has son as her dependent on taxes, he will be eligible for more loans.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Maybe community college would be a safer bet, until he proves that he will keep up the grades.
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  17. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    His mother does not work.
    She will do everything to please her son.

    My husband is waiting for an apology of some sort, but no word, no contact. His son is hiding at his mother's house. We will see him when it is time to pay for his college at the end of July.

    I am afraid it might never come. I feel sad for him.
  18. Beatrice Laroche

    Beatrice Laroche New Member

    My husband wants to tell him that if his grades are C and below, he will stop paying for his college. Do you think it is reasonable?
  19. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    "Smoking pots and drinking alcohols. Should we pay for his first year of college ?"

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  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It is perfectly reasonable, But go back to your divorce lawyer to find out what is allowed by law.