so i'm nasty.....?

[Jena]

hi to everyone,

didnt know this part of forum existed. i made screen smaller and poof ther it was.

so here i am thinking i'm being patient with my little one, dealing with her well, etc. until two mornings ago when my boyfriend told me wow you are so nasty to her. i was shocked and ofcourse my usual defensive self and said i have no idea what you are talking about.

she comes into our bedroom most mornings now early mornings though before sunrise yet she talks to me first to ask me if she can. i thought i was being nice.

he said jen she stood there one morning and kept asking you and you were being just plain nasty to her instead of just telling her ofcourse come lay down. i felt so bad. so i made a point of next two mornings when she would come in i just stretched my arms out i figured non verbal is much better before i've had my coffee. then another thing with older one as well. she'll come in and ask for money in a.m. instead of just giving it to her i begin to engage and say why can't you ask me at night why do you do this every morning. so anyway he jsut started getting up adn giving it to her to aviod the whole scene. yes i know why doesn't she ask during day?? anyway so its' likea freak show here the in and out of our room there should be one of those cool revolving door thingies. rin comes in first then he's up at 6a.m. then older one's in by 6:30 i'm still sleeping he's dressed getting bag for work, then when 5 kids are here it's just a constant flow. one night we had 3 kids in our bed. our bed isn't that big. ugh

so all being said and done i guess i'm being nasty to kids and didn't even realize it. i felt really bad and noticed that when i changed my nasty tune how their little reactions were so different.

does anyone else get tapped out and loose your patience with them sometimes??

jen

 

[witzend]

Oh, yeah. M used to come in and bump the bed with his hip to wake me up. He was only about 4-5 years old. I remember yelling at him. It may only have been once, but I still feel bad. I regret not telling him to get in bed and snuggle. What a missed opportunity.

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmmmm, when my kids were young they weren't allowed in Mom and Dad's room. House rule. Although it could be bent in case of fears (storms and such). But even that wasn't allowed past a certain age.

Some of it was a respect thing, some had to do with privacy (parents have so little as it is), and some had to do with the I'm not a morning person and it's best to leave me alone til I've had my first cup of coffee.

Now, this rule was also bent for those under 2. easy child used to come in and hop on my chest every morning from the time she could walk and announce, "Mornin' Mommy!" in the most cheerful sweet lil voice with a beaming smile on her face. And I'd be laying there with just as big a fake grin on my face until I came fully awake and actually didn't want to strangle her. Those are some of my fondest memories of her.

Somehow Nichole has forgotten this house rule and as an adult comes in most mornings to wake me. If Aubrey is with her (usually) I can still fake it as I did once with easy child, but if the baby isn't with her....Nichole gets it with both barrels.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm NOT and never have been a morning person.

 

[Jena]

ok that was funny i'm a morning person after i've had my coffee. me too growing up i was not allowed in my mom's room at all, bottom line.

i also couldnt' answer my mom back if i did she'd clip me off the top of my head, yes i have a 15 year old and yes she answer's me back and no i haven't beaten her yet........LOL.........see how things change.??

 

[flutterbee]

My kids *should* know by now that if they wake me in the morning, someone better be bleeding profusely or the house better be on fire. That doesn't always stop them, though.

I'm not a morning person at all. Not even a little. Neither is easy child. It's better if he and I don't speak in the morning other than what has to be said.

I like the non-verbal thing. It's the only way I can be cordial when first awake, too.

 

[Hound dog]

Jennifer

You know, I replied but I just realized I didn't really answer your question.

Raising kids is tough, raising difficult children is mega tough. Many, many times over the years my patience would begin to wear thin, or become non-existant. It's enevitable. We're not super human.

so all being said and done i guess i'm being nasty to kids and didn't even realize it. i felt really bad and noticed that when i changed my nasty tune how their little reactions were so different.

Happens to the best of us from time to time. I think Travis was about 7 or 8 when it dawned on me that all I ever seemed to do with the boy was correct him. I'm serious. And even though it might have been Necessary (it was believe me lol), I didn't want his only memories of me when he was a child as always correcting or nagging him. So with great effort I literally FOUND reasons to praise him at least several times a day to help balance out the constant dicipline. I found reasons to hug him, or just would walk up and hug him for the heck of it........ Stuff like that.

I was stunned at the subtle but very noticable change I saw in him. Such a little thing really, but to him it made a world of difference.

Sometimes when our kids are young and our lives are hectic, we're caught up in the daily challenges and struggles, that we just start reacting to things. It's not that we mean for it to happen. It's like getting stuck in a groove.

I think that it's great that you took boyfriend's comments seriously, looked at it objectively, and decided to try something different to correct it. That's not always as easy to do as it should be. And kuddos to boyfriend for bringing it to your attention. He sounds like a keeper.

Hugs

 

[hearts and roses]

Jennifer, I think it's really great that your boyfriend pointed this out to you.

As parents, especially parents of difficult child's, our emotional and physical stamina is drained very quickly. Sleeping is supposed to recharge our batteries, though most of us do not get enough sleep and we need to wake up a bit before facing our family (who is constantly pulling us in different directions).

I am similar to wintersgrace - DO NOT WAKE ME UP UNLESS SOMEONE IS BLEEDING, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE, FLOODED OR ITS ROOF IS MISSING. Seriously, I hate everyone until about 10AM and I've had at least 2 large cups of coffee. If my H hears me stirring on a weekday morning, he makes a quick exit because, no lie, when I enter the kitchen I will most definitely be biting my tongue about something stupid like he left the bathroom in puddles, didn't wipe down the counter, made bad coffee, difficult child never came home....something.

When my girlys were little, they'd come in my room and snuggle with us, and that was fine, as long as it was morning. If it was around 2Am, I will admit I probably was not very patient or nice. At that hour, I'd rather go sleep in their bed until they drifted off again, then go back to my bed.

The rule is no one is allowed in our room unless we're in it too. My mother had the same rule so I guess it just felt normal to me. I don't like people in my things or space.

Since your boyfriend has raised your awareness, perhaps you can think about it and try to regulate your responses a bit. I personally see nothing wrong with becoming angry at your 15y/o for waking you to ask for money that he/she could have asked for the night before. The little ones, however, I think should get a little more leeway.

How you respond to them really does have an impact on their entire day, believe it or not. I know that if H and I spat in the mornings, the rest of my day feels a bit like a drag. And he said the same thing - it ruins his day when he leaves for work after we've argued.

But don't beat yourself up over this, but do reflect on it and perhaps make a little list of rules that you simply must have them abide by so there will be less opportunity to an angry mom in the morning. For instance, tell 15 y/o that if money isn't asked for the night before, he misses out. He CANNOT wake you for this. Tell the little ones that they can come in to see you but they have to be real quiet or play in their rooms or read for 15 minutes beforehand. That way you'll likely wake up hearing them play, but you'll have the 15 minutes to 'wake up' a bit before they come into your room.

I used to leave the cereal, bowls and spoons on the kitchen table Friday and Saturday nights so that the girls could get up in the morning, make themselves some cereal and watch morning cartoonss, thus allowing me at least another hour of peaceful sleep on the weekends. It really worked!!

Good luck~

 

[Lothlorien]

When you are constantly being slammed with the daily stuff of dealing with our children, sometimes it takes an outsider to make you realize what you are doing. It's easy to be irritable on a regular basis. You have to make sure that you take time for yourself and take care of yourself, too.

In this instance, you should just leave the money out for her at night, instead of having her wake you up in the morning.

 

[busywend]

A few have pointed it out already, but I will say it my way.

1.) Be thankful boyfriend pointed this out to you. It really can take an outside view or opinion sometimes to make one see what they look like to others. This is part of that 'they make you a better person' part of relationships.

2.) Do NOT be hard on yourself about it. We ALL have been there, done that for sure! Patience wears thin when you are constantly on your toes and walking on egg shells with a difficult child. Be good to you - you are #1 (even though we tend to forget that!).

3.) Take a look at how you can change for the better in order to have more patience. This does go a loooooong way in getting better reactions out of our kids. In fact, I am convinced I did not see my difficult children issues as early on as others because I was just so patient with her. It was not until I realized she should be changing with age and she was not that I started to get concerned - and it was also at this time that I started to loose my patience with her. You know the saying 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result'. That is what it was with my difficult child. Never got results that were different so I started to go a bit insane.


4.) Do NOT be hard on yourself about it. We ALL have been there, done that for sure! Patience wears thin when you are constantly on your toes and walking on egg shells with a difficult child. Be good to you - you are #1 (even though we tend to forget that!).
(I know it was the same as #2 - but it needs to be stressed!)

HUGS!

 

[susiestar]

I think it is wonderful that your boyfriend felt he could talk to you, and that you felt his comments had merit and were worth working on. This is good. for all of you.

As for a 15yo asking for $$ in the am, unless you forgot to give her planned lunch $$ the night before, um, NO. The little ones I can see snuggling or anything that doesn't require talking to or from you for the first 15-30-whatever minutes after you get up.

It is good that he was willing to help. Sorry things have been rough. We ALL get snippy, snappy, or downright icky when stressed.

Susie

 

[Jena]

no you don't understand i want to beat her when she stands over the bed and says ma ma ma this being

then she yells at me for using her blow dryer.....what's up with that? but yes i'm soo not beating myself up over this one. i'm just much kinder now to her in the a.m. she is soo soo sweet and i truly am miserable b 4 i've had my first cup of coffee. its house rule whoever isup first pushes mommy's coffee button (i set up pot night before)......LOL

 

[Jena]

by the way i want to beat the 15 yr old.......that didn't make it in the post......LOL other one's too cute for that...jk

 

[Abbey]

Ha! I'm on the flip side of this. I am a morning person. I wake up happy, ready to go. Unfortunately, husband and others are not. What I don't like is the 4am 'want to chat' thingy. No...I'm SLEEPING.

On a good day I'm striving to make it to 10pm for bed. Everyone else is having a great party time...and I'm looking for the clock. (Actually, they're playing that gosh darn WII.) But, when 5am comes around, I'm ready to roll.

Don't put too much into this. It's nice that boyfriend pointed it out...just makes you more aware.

Abbey

 

[Jena]

true i'm good once get coffee in me until then i have to step carefullly.......

my sch. is insane though, he owns a rest. so most nights i wait up for him anywhere between 10:30 - 12 and we'll talk drink tea for little while so it gets exhausting when i get up for work at 6 a.m. so i had to pick nights that we go to bed early his nights off mon and wed we crash by 10:30 to play catch up.