Some of you know me and my story...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Jan 27, 2018.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    ...and I'm wondering if it's okay to refer some posters to it. Not as a bid for attention, or a false kind of "This can happen to YOU, if you do/don't do what I did"...

    It's just that I used to come here to read or post on a regular basis and sometimes, I never found out what happened to the people who stopped posting and I wanted to know.

    I'm lurking here this morning (!) out of a need for familiarity, for connection to the people who cared and supported me through the darkest times.I'm sure that it's a (probably) sick way of staying connected to my son. It's a way to attempt to understand the timeline, the similarities between his story and all the other stories I read here, that are so familiar. It's almost comforting-UGH, am I really THAT disconnected from reality that I have to go back to my old posts to remember how bad it got? Yep, because when I post here, I really feel like it's a kind of homecoming-we are all in this hell together and truly, people who aren't in it can NEVER understand how destructive and confusing it all is.

    I'm still trying to understand it all and I DON'T come on here regularly-but when I feel the need to, it's like therapy. And it's a way to jolt myself into reality. Yes, that DID happen! Yes, I remember when MY son did and said and thought those things!

    A year after his death (we scattered some ashes in the Pacific Ocean on this day last year) I feel I haven't even dipped my toe in the water of reality. I'm seeming to be pretty strong and normal and then a tsunami of sadness will hit me. Can't predict it-sometimes just looking out of the window at the weather, thinking."What would he be doing? Would he be cold? Hungry? Selling his body for a hit? In danger?" ALWAYS feeling like I didn't save him from his demons.

    I have crossed all the Firsts, now. His brother's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day, my birthday, his father's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, HIS birthday (December 27, he would have been 29) , New Year's, the first anniversary of his death (January 12). And it helps to have gone through all that. Often, the anticipation of those dates was worse than the actual date. But it's always going to be the same-maybe gentler, maybe angrier, maybe more accepting. But those dates will always come around and will always be difficult.

    On December 27, his 29th birthday that he would never see, his dad, brother and I drove into the desert, away from the city lights. We picked a spot and scattered some of his ashes. There was a very crisp, clear moon, enough to cast our shadows on that dry earth, very clearly, but not strong enough to obscure the beauty of the stars. We looked up for a long time, said the things we wanted to say and stayed silent for a long time. Cried some, reflected a lot and then left another part of him on another part of the earth. I felt a real sense of peace. Went for ice cream afterwards and laughed away the awkwardness of how we felt.

    The anniversary of his death was a day like any other. People who knew, assumed I'd be taking the day off work, but it was a welcome distraction. Kinda lost it when I got home, but decided that it was much more meaningful to have celebrated and commemorated his birth. January 12 was "just" the day that he gave up his body. He had given up his soul many , many times over many, many years ago. My Lost Boy.

    So,HELL! Thank you if you've read this far. Don't really know what I'm trying to say here, except to give INFINITE thanks to everyone on this site and my prayers are with you for positive outcomes. I'm one of the many parents who didn't have one, but I hope beyond all hope that your loved ones find their way.

    PLEASE forgive me for the self indulgence-I'm really doing a stream of consciousness NOVEL here! Feel free to delete it. But if it helps ANYONE, I'm so happy to help. It has certainly helped me to get it all out here...

    Thanks again and see you in August, if it's all still happening! Much love and peace to you all...
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there, Sister. I got off work late so I was still up and read your moving post. And, if it helps, I remember you and your son's journey and your mother like eerie prediction that he would die right before he did.

    I am sure we all love hearing from you and I know I wonder how you are doing. It seems, by your rituals, you are making sure that your son, wherever he is, knows he mattered so much to you. The following are my personal beliefs...feel free to discard them. I dont think we ever find out on earth the whys of it, but I do believe in an afterlife and that we learn all our whys when we reconnect. I dont know if I am overstepping my boundaries to suggest that your son's consciousness lives on and that I believe he is with you. I am sorry if that offended you or worse, saddened you. I hope not. I am a believer in an enduring soul that is always there. I know when my dad died I felt his presence and often still do. It's weird but very real to me.

    You write your feelings down so well. If you like to write, maybe a blog for others going through this or having walked your very hard path would give meaning to what you experienced, a way to share and release at the same time. A way to celebrate your precious son. Or maybe just journal for yourself. Or post here as often as you like. You are one of our family as was/is your son. Your journey was long and sad, but you do have wisdom from it that may comfort another if you wish to do so. We are always eager to virtually hold your hand.

    I still plan to try to have a meet up in the St. Louis area in August. I go-to Chicago often too (next week in fact) and if you are close enough to where I go (Algonquin area) and want to do coffee we can meet anytime I am in. PM if interested.... Or not. This is your journey to do your way.

    If I could, I would reach out and give you a hug. I am grateful you came back. You must know you are always more than welcome.

    Love to you and yours always.
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2018
  3. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Hi, SWOT, so good to see your reply!

    I don't feel you are overstepping your bounds at all in what you said. You didn't offend me in the least and I agree with you. I think that the body's energy has to go somewhere and for me, even though I was brought up dyed in the wool Catholic (with Irish grandparents and nuns for teachers, no less!) I have decided that Nature and the Universe is my source of strength, Higher Power, call it what you will. I've seen all kinds of signs that he's around and some people might call it bullshit or witchcraft, but my take on it is, it makes ME feel better, so I'm going with it.

    I'm kind of mixed up now about the afterlife, but basically, I truly believe that he is around me, or his energy is and in that respect, I feel he is with me. I have his ashes and a little bone fragment that I keep with me (yeah, I know...). I have some locks of his hair that still smell like him. I talk to him every day and when I'm facing a situation that is scary or anxiety producing, I ask him to be with me. I think he led such a hard scrabble life-one that I knew only a FRACTION of and that, in many situations, he had to be braver than I could ever be. So I ask him for a bit of that courage.

    And yes, he was an arsehole. So I'm not trying to lionize him or make him into some kind of saint or guru. He cause me an IMMENSE amount of pain. And yes, he chose this lifestyle, that he eventually couldn't handle. But I loved him SO MUCH. I thought my love was enough to make him see he was on the wrong path, but he wasn't even in the same fricking time zone!

    I really appreciate your kind words-I don't want to come across as a weirdo who can't let go, but really, that's the point I'm at right now, haha.If anything I write about being on "the other side" is helpful to anyone, then I'm happy to write it.

    And I'm not sure how to contact you privately (can't even update my profile-doy...old ladies and technology, whaddyagonnado?) but I live about 40 miles from Chicago-an easy ride into the Windy City, so hit me up if you want to!
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  4. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Oh Blackgnat, your post has moved me beyond words. If I told you something I am sure it would never be believed. I was only thinking of you recently - wondering how you are and what direction your life went in. I cannot believe you have posted, it is surreal.

    I also cannot believe it has been a year! Where has the time gone, it is a stark reminder of just that....time goes and nothing has changed. I remember the day I logged on and read the headline ‘my son is dead..’ It is etched in my mind. I froze...time stopped. I cry now as I write this...I was fairly new to the site at the time and could not believe the amount of people suffering the same and your headline is still the only one I think of. I cried for days, for you, a person I had never met, for your son who could not find himself and for myself and others still on this journey with no known outcome. I hoped you would come back so I could say something. May you find peace and comfort in the words of others, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel sure your son is all around you and I hope there may be some comfort that he is at peace now!
    Hugs and love xxxx
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI BG, so nice to "see" you here on CD. How I can relate to all of the firsts of missing hubs, holidays, birthdays and special days roll around to a year of intense grief, all of the questions and emotional efforts to process loss.
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
    Please don't ever apologize for sharing your thoughts here, you are a part of this family and will always be.
    You are not a weirdo who can't let go. It has been a short time since your sons passing. I think all of the years of hardship of choices and lifestyle a d c brings to our mother hearts would magnify the pain of what we fear the most. I have had to come to grips with the possibility that this may happen to my two, while they are out there finding and also losing their way.
    It has been a long time since we have really, truly connected.
    This is a deep loss within itself.
    I do so appreciate your being here, BG, your presence is always welcome.
    I don't believe there is a timeline on grief. It is like the tide that ebbs and flows. A scent, a song, a memory can well up all of those feelings inside. I don't think it is about letting go, more so for me, deciding to reflect on the good times I shared with hubs. There were many difficult moments as well, and that was hard to let go of, the anger of unresolved issues. In illness, he had grown rather distant. This was the toughest thing, after 36 years, that we were further apart before his passing. Forgive me for relating this to how it may feel for you, or me, or anyone else reading along, to lose an adult child who is "out there somewhere."
    I can only imagine that it makes processing all of those feelings that much more difficult.
    It is a reality that I have had to face with my two, and the choices they are still making. I hold on to the hope that they will wake and come to understand their potential to do better for themselves, but there is always that thought that I may one day have to face the loss you are dealing with, BG. Maybe it is a way to prepare myself for this.
    Is there even a way to prepare? Perhaps not.
    Life is hard, and precious, and so very short.
    I am thankful to have CD, a place for all of us to share and strengthen ourselves and hopefully others along this path.
    Please keep in touch, dear sister warrior.
    Your honesty, resilience and strength is a beacon of light.
    My sincere condolences to you and your family, and long gentle hugs.
    Malama pono,
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I remember your journey with your son. We grieve alongside of you. We are with you in spirit and here for you when you feel up to joining us. Your words are powerful and touching.
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So good to hear from you BG. I've wondered how you've been. I've missed your presence.
    We form a sort of collective energy around here, with our devastations, our losses and our've been a part of that circle for a long time, I hope you continue as long as that feels right and brings you solace.

    I can't imagine the grief you've endured. Losing a child is beyond comprehension. Your experience is valuable to us here......thank you for sharing it. I'm touched and supported by your experience. All of our stories matter.

    I'm so glad you posted BG.....sending you warm, caring hugs.....holding you in my heart....
    we're circling our wagons around're never alone.
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Your story touched me deeply. I am so sorry you had this hard road and then the death of your son. I am sure his spirit is all around you and guiding you with his healthy spiritual mind.. I am sure his spirit is still working on making peace with you. The spirit is eternal, ever growing and ever learning. I send you love, compassion and true understanding. I too lost a son. He is the love of my life.
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Blackgnat, it is so very good to "see" you. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.

    You are part of the family here, Blackgnat, and always will be. Though most of us have not endured the horrible loss of a child, I think many of us contemplated and feared being in your situation. In that sense we do understand to some small degree trying to make sense of it all.

    What a wonderful way you found to remember Aaron's birthday. I am glad you were all able to come together to make it so memorable and meaningful.

    I too believe that his spirit lives on in some form, free and unencumbered by the demons he couldn't shake in this life.

    I hope you will continue to post for as long as you wish. We all care very much about you.
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  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Blackgnat, it is so good to see you. Thinking of you so often, I feared we would never see you again.

    Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts. I am so very, very sorry you and your family had this happen. It was always very clear how you loved your son.

    It is always somewhere in my mind....losing my addict Difficult Child. If it happens, ....I would hope to have your grace.
    . (My Difficult Child could out-arsehole your son any day.)

    Please post whenever you feel like it and let us know about you.

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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have read your post several times and went back over some of the older posts you placed here.
    Fist the love you have for your son is palpable in every word of every post you have written.

    Second I am so grateful you chose to post an update here. I am new to this site and was not here until the spring of last year.

    Long story short fighting the drug battle I now have my son either facing prison or rehab his choice from here on in.

    Some days I feel like a ghoul for what I have done in terms of having my son arrested. Your post made me feel better. I know I am in a fight to save a soul and a life.

    Thank you for sharing your post and from one mother to another. You could have done nothing more than you did and the love you have for your son is truly boundless. Nothing I can do or say will bring you any peace. I am grateful you have infused me with courage.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    BG, there's nothing I can say that others have not already said better. You're journey with us didn't end a year ago and I'm glad you are with us still. You are most welcome as long as being here helps you.

  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi BG, so good to hear from you. I'm glad you still come here. Regardless of the outcome for your son you are still a very special part of us here. You will always be loved.

    It wasn't your job to save him. You did all you could for him, please know that it was enough.
    If love alone could have saved him you would never have found us here.

    I think you sound very strong. I think it's beautiful that you are taking him to different places to release some of his ashes.
    You are navigating through your grief, it's a fluid movement. Keep moving. Cry and scream when you need to and laugh when you want to.

    I'm so very glad you touched base with us.

    Sending you warm ((HUGS)) and love.
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  14. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Much love BG
    So good to hear from you. I, like so many others think of you often.
    I cannot imagine what this year has been for you. We are all here, wishing you love and support in any way we can X
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So glad to hear from you. Your post brought me to tears today.

    I think that all the ways you have honored your son are lovely.

    I know that he is with you and your family at all times and he is at peace now.

    I have often feared that our journey would end losing our son but his journey is truly in God's hands.

    Thanks for the update and I wish you continued peace and strength.