Son coming out of residential

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Molly60, Feb 8, 2019.

  1. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    Hi there, son has been in two group homes and is now in residential. Has been out of the home for nearly two years due to drug/alcohol abuse and mental health issues. He is adopted from Ukraine at 3.5 year and is now 17.5 years old. Has had just about every diagnosis there is on him at one time or another. Right now has diagnosis of subtance abuse, anxiety, and adhd.

    They may be releasing him the end of March and I do not know how we are going to do this. Both my husband and I are needing to get new jobs due to curcumstances. I start a new job on Monday 8am to 5pm. I know in a perfect world if we would tag team with the hours it would work. But he might have a job himself at 8am to 5pm. Is there anybody on here that has an emotionally challenged 17 almost 18 year old with drug/alcohol abuse issues and how are you doing this?

    He will most likely be in alternative schooling for 3 hours a day, that's if he even goes
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The first thing I would do even befire he gets out is ti apply for SSI. He will probably qualify and the residential employees can help. If you wait until he gets out, trust me, he wont cooperate and you will have a rough time without community services.

    My 25 year old son is auristic, adopted at 2, and has some challenges due to his birthmother's drug use during her pregnancy with him. He got services very early and is doing well and on his own, functioning with some community resources and will be in good hands when we are gone. He is busy and works part time. Vocational Rehab works hard to place differently abled adults in jobs tjey will succeed in and my son still gets some SSI. We set up a payee for him and the court has not allowed him to pay his own bills yet. He is trying hard to learn how to not spend impulsively. He gets Medicare and Medicaid, a great apartment that is susidized (there was a waiting list) and he has a social worker who is very helpful and his own nurse and a cab punch card to get around.

    My son is not greatly disabled and has a normal IQ. You dont need a low IQ for SSI, just trouble functioning. The help that goes with SSI is tremendous and has helped my son remain a functional member of society and a happy young man. He couldnt do it 100 pwrcent alone and the services go on. We cant live forever.

    We went to our local Aging and Disabilities office when our son was 17 to find out what after high school and were told that rhe schopl would help us with that and we were told who to talk to.

    The school was extremely helpful. I am assuming that the residential.treatment center will be too.

    If your son improves to.the point where he no longer needs services or SSI he can get the services removed. I was once my son's guardian but he eventually felt he didnt need one, his case manager, me and hub and Son discussed it and all agreed. He went to court and I was officially relieved of my duty. Very easy.

    My son is not a drug user or behavior problem. I still believe your son qualifies for SSI. Ask the go-to agency in your county what your next steps should be for his best good....and yours. If you don't know who to talk to,call Social Services and tell them your story and ask who can help you. Maybe they can or they can tell you who will. You dont have to be lost or alone in this.

    Good luck.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
  3. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    Thank you somewhereoutthere. You give me hope that there is help out there for us. Son has a case worker through the county/state. They are not giving me a whole lot of information as of yet. Just that they may be stepping DS down with either a therapeutic foster home or a group home before he comes to the house. My hope is that DS can be put on a waiting list for an apartment with subsidizing help and assistance. First we need to make sure DS can handle himself out in the community. He has not had a pristine record. Steals over the counter medications and then overdoses with them. So, we are talking deep drug and alcohol abuse and mental health issues as well.

    I don't know what we are going to do in the meantime though as we have never been able to leave him home alone before not even for a couple of hours. Just hoping that we will be able to go to work. Not sure if there are any programs available for him to attend, which he probably won't any way. sigh..... so many questions unknowns and uncertains. Scares the bejeebers out of me. We did not have a great relationship before he went into group homes and now we are all wondering how each other will be on the return. He never wanted to do anything but drugs. Did not want to participate in anything with the family or clubs or anything, I do believe that was part of his issue. He had nothing to do and never wanted to wnaything either.

    So, Hoping that the county/state will help us with SSi, DVR, apartment and such.

    Thank you once again for the reply. I helps much.
  4. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    Son never seemed to attached to us. not diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but sure has signs. Not sure he wants to be with "us" but just wants to get out of the group home until he can get his own place. But he needs a lot of learning for the self help before that will happen. Not very organized or responsible.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He sounds Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to me, another adoptive parent. Paychiatrists are horrible at catching it. I had one kid wr foster adopted who was so sick he killed iur dogs and molested our younger kids and was great at hiding it and scaring the littles into silence but we did find out.

    Since that day we havent seen him and never want to. Your son doesnt soynd as sick as this one (he was adopted at age 11, a bad mistaKe we made but we thought we could give him the love he never had) and not one of his ex foster parents or psychiatrists knew he was molesting their kids since very young or that he was disturbed much at all. His acting was THAT good. Adults loved him. Kids feared him and none told on him.

    The adoption community needs to be more open to people adopting kids who are not babies that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very common and very dangerous and not always treatable. And doctors need to stop calling it ADHD.

    Orphanage and foster kids are at very high risk for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is not our faults. This happened before we met them.

    I send warm hugs and hot chocolate. Try to get him out of your house. He can get help in foster care or anywhere. He does not have to live with you to get treatment.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
  6. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    I wish we could keep him out. But the commissioner is threatening abandonment if we don't go along with bringing him home
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    How old is he? What country do you live in?
  8. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    He is 17.5 years old and we live in wisconsin. The court said if we don't support him we will be held liable for abandonment and it could hold penalties of a felony charge, fines, and or jail time. Not quite sure what we would get, but I am not sure I want to try it out. Although it is going to be quite a roller coaster ride, I'm sure.
  9. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    He's a very nice kid, all who meet him will say that. But SUPER manipulative and convincing. That is the part I have the biggest problem with. He also molested our cat when he was 7. Found that out two years ago from my other son who didn't want to rat him out.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I live in Wisconsin too. Who told you about the abandonment thing? If so at18 you can make him leave.But I know you also want to get him help. I would still go for SSI before he turns 18. Then others are involved, like a case manager. You would have help.

    Im in Central Wisconsin and we have really good services here. Im not sure what its like in the entire state but I would think so. My neck of the woods is not very populated and my son still got very good services. I am very impressed.
  11. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    Court commissioner reminded us of abandonment. The goal from the beginning was reunification. But it just seemed like son didn't really care if he was away from us or not. Just wanted his freedom and was not getting it. Ran away from first group home last June. Has also run from Libertas in Green Bay. Was in another group home July through October and was in psychiatric hospital 4 times. Was sent to an Academy mid wisconsin in October and now they say he is doing tremendous. He's a excellent resident, great behavio, compliant. I am just thinking he is putting on the act of his life and holding things together to get out of there.

    Not sure how state is going to proceed, but it seems like they want him to come home. But, due to circumstances here we both need new jobs asap the stress level will be so high, I just dontvthink it would be good for him to return.

    He exploded at us just tg e other week in a family therapy session. Tbis,after bags a clothing and luggage,was found behind a,shed two blocks,away with my name and phone number on a sheet of paper. My thoughts are,that he wanted to run.

    Can I ask how you kept your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son out of your home? Without penalty?
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    As I understand it parents can relinquish parental rights and many do so in order that their child continue to receive needed services. (I am not an attorney but I would google this. I did and there is information available.

    I would not listen to the threats of the authorities. They have a vested interest in your accepting responsibility. They will try to cow and frighten you as they are already doing. I would get my own attorney. While I am not sure, I think the kind of attorney you would look for is a family attorney.
    This is a very, very serious behavior. I don't know how old is your other son but I would do everything within my power to NOT let your son come back. This is what is in his best interests. And yours.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well, if they make you take him home the first time he acts out call the police. Also call your Social Services before he gets home and ask if you have options. And start SSI. I dont want to say exactly where I live but I am in Wood/Portage county. If you are near by, you can send me a PM. I can maybe help if you live in that area since I had to learn what to do.

    My older adopted son molested my littles. We refused to let him stay with us. They didnt fight us: they helped us. We got tons of free therapy and without him our family healed and bonded even closer and have thrived. He was dangerous.

    The county put him on trial (not our idea...they never asked us about it)and found him guilty of first degree sexual assault of a minor. He was only 13 but the kids were six years younger than him so he was treated as an adult and put in a residential home/lock up for young sexual predators.

    We had to pay child support but eventually they let us sever the adoption. He had to sign up as a sexual predator for years. I dont know if he still is supposed to or not, but we check and he has not so maybe he aged out of it. Or maybe he just refuses to sign up which is a felony if he gets caught.

    We dont believe he never did it again. He has a FB page and I check it sometimes without posting. He married and has four toddlers and I cringe thinking about what happens to those poor babies when his wife is asleep. He is so good at scaring littles into silence. But I am scared of him. My hub and I refuse to get involved in any way. We moved and don't want him to know where we live. He is 27 now.

    I think the cops and CPS thought he was too dangerous to live in a family so they took him with no fuss at us and were very kind.

    My motto about adoption is, do adopt. My three other adopted kids are my heart, my true family, more bonded to me than DNA. But only adopt infants.

    Older kids are a huge risk. My infant adopted kids may as well have been born to me...I cherish them. They love us. They are the best people ever.

    This scary child came to us at 11 after five foster homes and he was finally diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Severe in the residential home. Older child adoptions are extremely prone to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I adopted a six year old from Asia from an orphanage and he was not right attachment wise too. We thought we could give them love and that would heal them. That didnt work.

    Even a year old can be too late. A year old child who has had no stable caregiver can have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

    I advise infant adoption.

    Good luck and get me if you think I can help.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
  14. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    So how do we private message here
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Click on my name and go to conversation or private message and it will be show up in my email. I wont answer tonight (tired) but tomorrow I will.
  16. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    I believe in Wisconsin you cannot give up custody, they term it abandonment with penalties. Some states do allow it, but not Wisconsin. So we are stuck in that regard. The state has been helping by placing him out of home with the hope of reunification. We shall see if we can reunify successfully
  17. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    I am rather concerned about when he returns how we are going to supervise him when we need to go to work. Can't afford daycare and son would have a BIRD if he were watched all day. That's pretty much why hes,so angry with us, me...that I had him with me all the time so I could keep tabs on him.

    He couldn't understand if he behaved appropriately, he could be on his own more. I called him my Velcro buddy from the ages of 13.5 to 16 ish. It was tough and miserable on both of us.
  18. Molly60

    Molly60 New Member

    So, now when he comes home I guess I am to leave him to his own accord, which scares the dirt out of me. We never had left him alone in the house in the past as it is. He would run through all our drawers and cabinets looking for any kind of medicine. Even hit up my spice cabinet to do nutmeg and drank my vanilla.

    We had to lock EVERYTHING UP. Try and live like that .

    Maybe things will be better. But I just don't see him going to his 12 step narcotics,anonymous meetings without promoting and prodding as,well as getting to school and that's where our issues are. He does not want to be told what to do. Well, if He would do these things on his own, he wouldn't need to be told
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Call me. I may have some ideas.

    Its true that you cant just surrender your child in Wisconsin. In our case they did it because they felt the child was unsafe to ever cime home and I think they felt badly for us but that is not the norm. I would hire a lawyer.

    I am not rich and sometes our advice from others is to get a lawyer and I ask myself who will pay for it. Great that some can,but I couldnt most of my life and in family law you are not entitled to free lawyers. But if you can afford it, I would get a lawyer.

    Has your son ever hirt anybody in the house or killed animals?

    Call me. Its going to snow a lot again and I will be home. I will try to help based on what I know about our state.

    Love and hugs.
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    After my son had his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) (he was older, at that time 22) and I had to go to work (requiring travel) I hired somebody to stay in the house with him. There is a period after Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) when the patient is not to be alone, for risk of seizure.

    And guess what? He rode his bicycle! Without a helmet. And so we locked up his bicycle. And guess what? He smashed ours with a hammer. That was the single most destructive thing he has ever done. Which brings me to this:
    This is exactly my quandary and power struggle with my own son. There is no winning it.

    I would suggest that he have constant supervision while you are not there, possibly by hiring somebody. In combination with after school programs. Perhaps you can write this into an IEP.

    I forget his Special Education Status. But he has got to qualify for services. My own son was transported to a non-public school by taxi (it was 45 minutes away.) So with the school day being until approximately 3pm and the taxi ride, this was 8 hours of supervised time.

    One idea would be the IEP.