Son has been released from prison.

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
I had a PM from my son yesterday telling me that he is free and that he's trying to figure it out. He told me he loved me.
I replied that I was happy to hear that he was free and told him that his dad and I love him. I didn't have time to chat with him any further as we had to leave for a function.
I sent him a message today asking where he was staying - have not heard an answer back.
I don't know if he's on the streets or living in a half way house. Not sure if he is on parole or what.

He also reached out to one of my sisters. She shared in a PM to me and my other sisters that she had heard from him. She and one of my sisters live about an hour from the town my son is in. She and the other sister said they would like to reach out to him.

While I'm glad that my sisters are wanting to reach out to him I am also filled with some apprehension. I am the baby of the family and even though I'm a 55 year old woman, there are times that my sisters treat me like a little kid. Where my son is concerned, there have been times in the past where they have tried to "tell me" what and how I should be dealing with my son. These 2 sisters each have one child and their children have launched into adulthood successfully. They really do not have a clue what it is to have lived through what I have with my son. They "know" because I have shared with them, but they don't really know. My other sister is more understanding as she has a difficult adult child too.

The FOG is trying to creep back into my head. I know my son and I know how in the past he will lie to people about me and my husband to get them to feel sorry for him. It may be different this time. I hope it is. He's 36 years old!! God how I wish he would make the choice to grow up.

I will do my best to stay in the present. I have no control over what my son does or says to people. What I do have are boundaries. I will focus on and fine tune them. I am so grateful for this site and all you wonderful warrior parents who share this journey with me.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Tanya.

Of course anybody would feel anxiety. This is such a loaded situation.

Prison helped with boundaries. He was contained.

Now he is not. Free. What could happen? Anything.

Your sisters. While understanding, how could they really know what your painful road has been?

There is also the fear that others could have an agenda, however well meaning.

How our children misrepresent in self serving, distorted ways to gullible others or in my case to people who used my son to inflict pain on me.

Tanya. Every. Single. Thing. You have been dealing with on a daily basis triumphantly. This string of pearls you have worn with grace since I came to this board. You wear it today.

You support each one of us to shine their pearls, too. You are unwavering in your strength and focus.

Today is no different from 1000 before. You love your son. He loves you. You define your life. He will define his. It will be as it will be. For you and each of us. No more. No less.
 

SeekingStrength

Well-Known Member
Hugs, Tanya. You have been such a buoy & lifeline for many of us.

Your Difficult Child being released from incarceration is a huge game changer if you let it be. So unsettling; it gives me pause just thinking about it.

So, do not let it. Stick to your guns, what you know in your gut, what you have learned the hard way. Nonetheless, you know it to be true.

You got some FUN planned??

Stay close to the board.

My Difficult Child is 38yo and facing a trial for stealing thousands from my parents.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Thanks SS for your kind words.

You got some FUN planned??
I'm getting ready to plan something. I have been so busy this summer I haven't had much time for myself. I'm thinking about booking a hot air balloon ride for mid October. Did it once before and it was amazing!

My Difficult Child is 38yo and facing a trial for stealing thousands from my parents.
It's never easy. So sorry for what you are going through with your son.

((HUGS))
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
Wishing you peace. It has to be hard not knowing where he is. I wouldn't want my sister's making contact with my son. Not because i am afraid what he may tell them, but afraid he will lie and steal from them and then they could blame me. They have all been warned.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Tanya, that's a mixed bag of emotions, I'm sure. And family "helping" by sharing their opinions so strongly sure doesn't help.

Yes, all you can do is focus on the stuff you can control. If your son spreads lies about you and your husband, that is out of your control, as is whether others choose to believe a (36-year-old) man (who is STILL trying to blame his parents).

There is a quote I fall back on at times like this: "No act of another can bring shame on me." - Marcus Aurelius

We are all here for you, Tanya, just as you have been here for all of us.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Thank you all so much for your support!!

If your son spreads lies about you and your husband, that is out of your control, as is whether others choose to believe a (36-year-old) man (who is STILL trying to blame his parents).
It's almost laughable when to read it!
I've had some time to process my emotions about my sisters and here is what I have come up with. The 2 sisters as I said before have children that successfully launched and are just wonderful adults. Also, these 2 sisters have very strong personalities, the type that feel they can "fix" anything and anyone. My emotions are more centered around "being a failure". ~~baby sister couldn't get her son straightened out but we can~~
Those old feelings of self doubt have tried to creep in with the FOG. I resist it and will not be enveloped by it.
Quite honestly, more power to my sisters if they could get my son on the right track.

I wouldn't want my sister's making contact with my son. Not because i am afraid what he may tell them, but afraid he will lie and steal from them and then they could blame me. They have all been warned.
If that were to happen, that is on them. They are not naive in knowing the crimes my son has committed.

There is a quote I fall back on at times like this: "No act of another can bring shame on me." - Marcus Aurelius
Love this!!
 

Snow White

On the Mad Tea Party Ride
Oh Tanya - getting those bittersweet messages - "I'm free" that lead us to, "What will happen next?" Copa so eloquently described my thoughts (of your son defining his life and you with yours).

Those old feelings of self doubt have tried to creep in with the FOG. I resist it and will not be enveloped by it.
Quite honestly, more power to my sisters if they could get my son on the right track.
I hope that you can be strong and resist the FOG. It's hard not to when you have family weighing in with their thoughts on perceived "parental incompetence" and thinking they can fix everything. Let them walk even a half-mile in your shoes!!! Just like your son, you can't control your sisters.

I hope you stay close to the forum - we need you and we are here to help you get through these days (and nights).

I also hope you will take time for some self-care - do something totally selfish for yourself!!!

{Hugs}
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Thanks Snow.

I also hope you will take time for some self-care
I am very big on self care. My life this summer has been so busy but now things are slowing down so I am doing things just for me. One of my favorite things to do is rummage through antique stores. I don't always buy something but I have such a sense of peace wondering and wondering. I love to look at old things and think of the hands that once held it, the family that once owned it. I love the grace, beauty and quality of old things. Yes, there will be some antiquing for me in the next few weeks. :):):)
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Tanya. You have given me so much support with your strength. I know each new chapter in my twos lives knocks me off my base a bit. They are so predictably unpredictable.
The FOG is trying to creep back into my head. I know my son and I know how in the past he will lie to people about me and my husband to get them to feel sorry for him. It may be different this time. I hope it is. He's 36 years old!! God how I wish he would make the choice to grow up.
Ptsd. There is no denying that our adult kids have effected us with their choices. Each new chapter can touch upon those memories that we have worked hard to come through. Whatever our adult kids do or say to pull the wool over someone, inevitably their true colors will show.
I will do my best to stay in the present. I have no control over what my son does or says to people. What I do have are boundaries.
Stay present. Whatever your sisters opinions may be, you have walked this journey, not them. You know the truth. You have your cyber warrior sisters and brothers circling the wagons and understanding the trials.
You support each one of us to shine their pearls, too. You are unwavering in your strength and focus.
Amen. To this. Strength doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the repercussions of our loved ones actions, or roll the tapes, examining the past and weighing what the future may or may not hold. Strength also shines through when we acknowledge our fears, know our vulnerability, seek help and understanding. That is the beauty of this place, because no matter how long we have been on this journey, there is always a helping hand held out to guide us when the road gets rough.
I'm thinking about booking a hot air balloon ride for mid October.
This is fabulous Tanya. Keep grabbing your life, peace and joy.
May you continue to lean on your strength, no matter what your son decides. Always remember we have your back, just as you have ours.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

Tiredof33

Active Member
I wish my 40yo would grow up and make better choices too. He is still so incredibly immature. Each time I think my son will have a stable job and make better choices he fools me, lol. I also let him drag me into the drama, it's hard not too. He is in a new relationship with a woman with 3 children and neither of them have a pot to pee in! At least, this time the mother is not a drug user!

Your son has a new start and I wish him well. Take care of yourself!
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Hi Tanya I’m just catching up and very glad to hear from you I know that you and your husband are well be your son is out of prison it’s his time to to learn. You and I are very similar and the baby of the family of 10 only differences my family members or crackers and nuts. For the most part I do have two lovely sisters I keep contact with. But they have both had their struggles in life and the children so they do understand to a degree but I am going through and the burdens I face. I do hope your son finds his way and remember this you didn’t cause it you can’t curate you can’t control it this is his story to write. You and your husband are amazing people who have tried your best to guide him the rest is up to him. I am glad that you have heard of his status from your siblings it must be terrible not knowing.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Tanya, I'm sorry your son's message allowed some FOG to creep back in......losing our clarity as a result of another's choice is fairly easy to do when that someone is your only child. I think that's a typical reaction for us......until we get our balance back. And, you're already getting your balance back because you have an excellent tool box and you know where to go to get support.

FWIW, perhaps move directly into
My emotions are more centered around "being a failure".
seems like this is an old family bubble of childhood wounding we all have within us, which may require the cold light of your inner truth to disperse those old feelings. You know the drill, this stuff comes up for us to acknowledge, accept & release..... a life lesson in letting go of that little girl's concerns about being a failure. Well, from where I stand, you are as far away from a failure as a human can be.

Like many of us here, you've lived in a kind of hell with your son......that's a special location most folks don't have to live in......you worked yourself out of there and created a wonderful life.....I know that path too and the fact that you removed yourself and gained your life back speaks volumes about your success......a success we won't be getting any Academy Awards for or even a "good job." It goes unnoticed except for those of us here who've lived in that hell too. Your son may always be who he has been......but you my friend, have changed immeasurably, successfully & beautifully.....and then you turned around and offered all of us that wisdom, that success, that beauty......thank you for being such a big light in this crazy darkness many of us reside in here with our kids.
 

overcome mom

Active Member
I know this is a hard time right when they get out. There is a lot of hope and a lot of trepidation. It is a very difficult time for them trying to figure out just the basics food, clothing, shelter and how they are going to handle temptation. For us it is a time to again try and gage just how much they have changed and what they are willing to do differently. Time will tell- will say a prayers for your family and your son.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Your son may always be who he has been......but you my friend, have changed immeasurably, successfully & beautifully.....and then you turned around and offered all of us that wisdom, that success, that beauty......thank you for being such a big light in this crazy darkness many of us reside in here with our kids.
RE, thank you so much for your kind words. I have worked really hard to be where I am and feel blessed to be a part of this forum.

How are you right now? I look forward to hearing from you; you are in my thoughts this evening.
Thank yo for asking.
My life is crazy right now! My job life that is. Our company was sold and 22 people were let go so we are trying to navigate through that.
As for my son, he reached out needing a copy of his birth certificate so he can get an ID. I was not happy about sending it as this I think is the 5th time I've done so. I did stress to him that this will be the last time I will do that for him. I reminded him that he's a 36 year old man that needs to grow up and keep track of his own documents.
We have had a couple of conversations via private message on FB. He's in a half way house for 6 months. I hope he can get a job and follow through with this. If he blows it, he will have to finish out his time in jail.

All in all, I'm good. I do try and live my life with an attitude of gratitude.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
I sent my son the last copy of his birth certificate. I accompanied a letter wishing him well and telling him I will not do this for him again, that he's 36 years old and needs to take responsibility for important documents.
He gave me the address to where he is staying. My husband went to the post office to mail it registered. When they looked up the address they said there was more than one address for this place, like pods. Husband made the decision to go ahead and mail it. I was able to track it and it arrived. My son sent a message of thanks that he had received it.
I reached out to him yesterday asking if he had gone to get his ID. He has. I also asked him for a more accurate address for the facility he's staying in. His reply, "the address I gave you is fine and don't refer to this place as a facility, that is so cold" o_O:rolleyes: I was so tempted to say "okay, halfway house sounds so much better" but I refrained. :cautious:
He did share that he got a job doing construction. I sure hope he sticks with it! Normal for him is to work a couple of months then quit with some lame excuse of "the boss is an idiot and doesn't know the first thing about running a business" I sure hope that doesn't happen. I hope he will stick with it. Of course one of the conditions of his parole is to be employed. His parole is for 6 months and if he screws it up, back to prison he will go to finish it out.
tick tock, tick tock, only time will tell..............
In the meantime, I booked a trip for Hubby and I in Feb. when it's bitter cold here:blizzard:
we will be in Aruba! :beach::beach_ball:
 
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