Son is in jail

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Jan 15, 2017.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I haven't been on here much in the last few weeks.
    It's been a rough couple of months for me. My mother in law's health has been failing since October. She passed a week ago. Much of my time has been spent visiting her then helping with funeral arrangements, now the task of cleaning out her house.
    I also have not heard from my son since right after Thanksgiving.
    Tonight I went back and looked at our conversation via private facebook message. I found the name of the town he had traveled to. I Googled the name of the town and his name and a newspaper article came up with a photo. Yup, there's a picture of my son being arrested. The charge is assault.
    While I am just sick knowing that he's in jail again at the same time I'm relieved to know where he is.
    UGH UGH UGH!!!!!!
    Tomorrow is another day. I will live my life the best I can and not wallow in self pity. Yes, my heart is broken but this is a familiar dance that I have danced too many times. The trick is getting off the dance floor without tripping.
  2. Lucyxyz

    Lucyxyz New Member

    I'm so sorry. I keep waiting for the call that my son has been arrested. I'm sure it's devastating
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  3. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My advice? Take stock. While it is awful, he is out of the elements, being fed and clothed, and not able to be out aimlessly doing God knows what. You know where he is and that he is safe for the time being. Is he happy? Where he wants to be? No - but if he is like my daughter, those things don't exist for him right now anyway. Finish taking care of your mother-in-laws belongings and family business and put your energy into what you can make some headway into. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, although it may be hard to see, because now you can handle what you need to without worrying about where your son is, what he is doing, if he is safe, whether he has a place to live, etc. Save your energy for what you can handle and have control over. Your plate is already full.
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tanya, I'm sorry. He's safe though, as you said, many of us know how that feels, the mixture of relief and sadness......I

    I'm sorry about your mother in law. You've been through a rough patch, you've been in enough of those......I know you already know this, but go do something very kind for yourself. Can you get away for a day or a weekend or a week, or more? Might be good to get out of Dodge for a little bit. A change of scenery is always good.

    After what you've just gone thru, take some real time for yourself. You've been around this block before, you'll get off the dance floor without tripping. Just go directly where you find your joy.....that'll help to balance it out.

    Sending you warm wishes......hugs.......take care of yourself......
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Tanya. I am sorry about your mother in law, and about son too.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your mother in law, Tanya, and your son...what can I say? He is safe now and you've been a warrior mom for so long...this is not your first rodeo. And if I remember it's not his first time in jail either so at least he knows what to expect.

    As RE said, remember to take care of you. We all tell others to do it, but I think sometimes it's harder to do it ourselves.

    So please, please don't forget. Hugs.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks for the comments, support and hugs! You all are the best.

    I did some more searching and found the court records. He is in some serious trouble. I will not be surprised if he has to do a couple of years. I feel bad for him but he has done this to himself.

    Yes, I will take care of me :smile: thanks!
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your mother-in-law, Tanya. How draining for you, both emotionally and physically.

    I am sorry about your son too. What a shock, even more so to find out that way.

    It is not the time for Pollyanna talk, because finding out about jail really isn't something you want to hear, EVER...but at least he is safe, he knows what to expect, and he took his lumps without asking you to fix it for him.

    Please do take this time to rest, recharge, and regroup. It's good advice. I think you're the one who gave it to me!
  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    You are such a fountain of wisdom and support on this site. You know we are here with you. Even though this is not new stuff for you, it is still a blow – we know the “ugh” feeling.

    Do take care, with all you have on your plate, taking care of other matters. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother in law. One day at a time. Bless.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Tanya, I'm so sorry. I know your heart is broken about the choices he continues to make. I'm so sorry about your mother in law too.

    You are so healthy in the way you look at your own life and the lives of the people you love, especially your grown son. But I know the hurt is still there and continues.

    I can only hope and pray that this new situation in his life is another crossroads, another chance for him to reflect and you never know...decide to turn and walk in a new direction when it's over. As awful as the idea of jail is (and I used to think I would die the first few times Difficult Child went to jail), there are comforts for us knowing they are "somewhere" where there is a support system (as compared to the street) and food and a place to sleep. Crazy that we would be grateful for jail, but many of us have been.

    I hope this new year brings something new and something good just for you. You are a rock and such a wonderful friend to all here. Warm hugs today.
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  11. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Tanya, my heart goes out to you about the loss of your mother in law and news that son is in jail. One thing, you now know he is off the street, got a cot, food and possibly with time, be a life changer- to the good.

    Be good to yourself, perhaps take a get away somewhere for a few days. You deserve peace and quiet and rest.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Tanya...I'm sorry. I always have felt out boys had a lot in common...if mine had an ounce less restraint or maybe was unlucky enough to get caught. I'm sorry too about your mother in law. That day is still coming for us...Jabber is so close to his family I can imagine how hard it will be. Try to take care of yourself. Prayers and cyber-hugs.
  13. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    So sorry for this difficult time you are going through. Please take care of you through this and know that our hearts and thoughts are with you. Find some peace and calm..your heart will heal and you will carry on! Hugs
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Tanya, I'm adding my support and vote that you do something enjoyable for yourself. I'm sorry that your mother in law passed, and your son is incarcerated. Sometimes life just seems to dump on us. Sending you some extra strength for the tasks at hand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~
  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Tanya,

    I am so sorry you are faced with this again. My brother has asked me, WHY do you Google (Difficult Child)? ------well although I often find out things that are not pleasant....things that show he is not yet on a better path.--I gave birth to this guy. We are not trying to punish ourselves; we have a need to know what is going on with them.

    You have always been such a huge help to me. Hugs.

    I am very sorry to hear you have been also dealing with the passing of your mother-in-law. You have had many recent stressors.

    How are you doing today?
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  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi all, I want to thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me.

    I'm doing really well, thank you for asking.

    It's been a busy couple of weeks and will be a busy several months as we clean out my mother in-laws house.

    There was a time that I would not try to find him. I think it's a very personal choice. For me, I no longer harbor the anger I once I did so it's much easier to deal with the news of his incarceration. I just feel sorry for him.

    I did get a letter from him. It's the same type of letters I have received before when he's been in jail. He talks a good talk but only time will tell if he's really serious about changing. He claims that he is ready to let go of his "ego" and wants to start making amends. I've heard it all before. I do hope he's sincere but again, only time will tell.
    He also included a letter to the mother of his children, my grand children. He says he's sorry for abandoning them and he has a lot to make up for. He has been out of their lives for almost 7 years. My granddaughter remembers him but not my grandson. I will give the letter to my daughter in law and let her decide what if anything she wants to do. I have made it clear to her that I will guard her and the kids privacy. I do not share any information with my son about them.

    Here's the real kicker!! I can look at the court minutes online so I have been able to follow what's going on. (the only downside is it takes a couple of days for them to upload the latest) So, my son had court on Monday and it was for a motion to represent himself. He's facing assault with a deadly weapon (knife). I don't know if the motion was granted, have to wait for the minutes to be loaded.
    Of course I'm not surprised by this - my son thinks he's smarter than everyone! Of course if he was sincere about letting go of his "ego" I don't think he would be doing this.

    I keep thinking about the old saying "He who represents himself in court has a fool for a client" :nonono:
  17. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    ... keep thinking about the old saying "He who represents himself in court has a fool for a client" :nonono:[/QUOTE]

    I'd never heard that one. While serving on a jury years ago, the judge commented, "You know what they call a co-signer? A fool with a pen."

    I may never forget that nugget of wisdom. ;)

    Very, very glad you are feeling good and spirited again!

    We live and learn. My mother continues to quote my Difficult Child and I usually just "ummmmmm" but a few times I have said, "You know, Mom, I have learned to go by what Difficult Child does and not what he says."

    --and she says, I know I know.

    Some of our Difficult Child's can fool folks for a long time after their parents have finally wisened up.