Son might be getting kicked out of residential treatment

[B’smom]

So B was admitted at the end of November for long term residential treatment. We have had our ups and downs with the program but we have seen success overall. We drive an hour Monday mornings to drop him off, Wednesday nights to visit and then Friday’s to pick him up. It’s been an exhausting program. But we have seen the success (meltdowns are less frequent and don’t last 1-3 hours like before.)

The past 3 weeks though have been brutal. He was home on the weekend and physically restrained Little One.
The facilitator called yesterday to say that due to B’s violence, 27 incidences since January and 7 just in the past two weeks that workplace advocacy committee stepped in. I was asked to pick him up and that he’s been discharged for the week. They will be having a meeting on Thursday if he will be readmitted. Our facilitator encouraged me to advocate for B to stay there, but I just can’t. I’m so tired, so burnt out from this schedule, from working, from being a mom and everything that’s expected from me. I just want to bury a hole and hide forever. I want to run away from all these responsibilities so I can just be me. I won’t, I can’t, because that’s just not me but it doesn’t change the fact that I really want too.

If he cannot attend residential treatment because they cannot keep him and everyone else safe then how am I supposed to keep Little One safe? Their suggestion was to just not leave Little One and B alone. Thanks Captain Obvious!
Well there goes my showers, there goes my ability to cook. I’m a prisoner in my own home. Little one is five now. I cannot bring him into the shower with me like I used too. Just doesn’t feel right now that he’s so much older, he asks too many questions. Maybe if we were the same gender.

I feel like the only option if they discharge him completely is to put him in care. Our home community had absolutely nothing for him, which is why he was admitted to the program an hour away.

The coordinator in our home town said we could look at another residential treatment but it would most likely be far away and he’d be on a wait list, for god knows how long.
Putting him in care absolutely breaks my heart. But I’m also so very selfish, I’m tired. Tired of being a prisoner in my home. Tired of being emotionally and physically abused. Tired of having to give up everything for B. Tired of watching my other kids being put last because he’s always put first.

I used to have friends, a had such an amazing large circle of friends. Now I have no one except my dear husband. And some days, that’s rocky. We don’t get to just be S and dear husband. I’m not sure if I even really know him anymore. Our conversations are about B or the other two.

Little one has grown so much these past six months without B in home. I’m scared what will happen when and if B returns home only halfway through the program.

The only saving grace yesterday when they called me was that I hurt my back bending over (sign of the times I guess, I’m officially old). So my doctor wrote me off for the rest of the week because I have a very physical job. At least I was already off. Can’t take anything for the pain now though since B is home. But small blessings I guess. I’m shocked I haven’t been fired from my job yet because of B.

Sorry, just needed to vent to someone, anyone. Someone who might understand what I’m going through. It’s definitely pity party central at the moment. I’m hoping once I hear back, I can move forward and be productive. I just don’t have it in my today.

 

[B’smom]

And just got the call he’s been discharged.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry. It doesn't seem fair that you have to deal with this and there is no other place he could be transferred too. Let us know how it goes. Do you have any fine security system in place! Ksm

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry. Not sure what I would do but you need peace of mind too.

 

[susiestar]

If he is that dangerous, he has no place in your home need Little One. I had an older child that tried on MANY occasions to attempt to kill his younger sister. Or to maim/kill me so that he could get to his little sister. I know how hard what you are trying to do actually is.

It is time to get CPS involved and tell them that he cannot be at home because he is too dangerous to Little One. They WILL make noises about taking LO away instead (because you cannot keep him safe is the rationale). But really they don't want to take the difficult child because they are hard as all get out to place. I would speak to a lawyer about this. I also would fight to the death with any judge who wanted to take away my healthy, thriving child because his older sibling is violent and cannot stay in the home. Document all you have done, that the residential placement dumped him on you with NO notice after a very dangerous weekend visit, and then, advocate for your LO.

Many times, the system in place to help our difficult kids forgets or ignores the fact that our other children have rights. I shocked the daylights out of one doctor and really offended a social worker when I told them (at different times) that I would not sacrifice my younger children on the altar of their older brother's problems. Each of them thought that sending my other 2 children away to foster care would be SOOOO much better for all of us than having my older son placed in a hospital or setting that could deal with his problems. Even the social worker backed down after that. A judge she took it to for a hearing wanted to know why the state wanted my other children who did not need expensive help but refused to help the child that desperately needed out of home placement? She didn't like that question and her boss (who was also at the hearing) didn't like her attitude about the whole thing.

Foster care (would probably mean a group home) is hard to send your child off to. But you are responsible for ALL of your children, not just the difficult one. LO has a right to be safe in his own home. So do you.

If you need documentation of your difficult child's behavior (and you will at some point), start calling the police when he is dangerous to his little brother or to you. If he harms you or rages out of control, call for help from 911. Make sure you get a copy of the incident report (and that they write one up - not writing up a complaint is a crime in most states, but officers try to do it sometimes to keep things out of the system). Also insist that the treatment center send a copy of the chart for EVERY single one of his incidents, not just the 7 from the last week. ALL of them. If you can, insist on a copy of the complete chart. They may charge you per page for the copying. We had a great therapist who asked for the complete chart and then gave it to me when it arrived, as they couldn't legally charge for a copy sent to her. Often they want to send a treatment summary or other summary. You may need the complete chart. I did. I learned a LOT about the 3 months my son spent in the hospital. It is also documentation that will help if it ever comes out something untoward was done by a staff member. I didn't have this issue, but I know a parent who did have it and only learned about it after she got the complete chart.

If you can document to the court that your older son is a problem, they will likely allow you to voluntarily place him in foster care. But at some point they may threaten you with abandonment or child endangerment. This is often done to keep difficult kids at home with their parents, where they don't cost the state anything. Advocate for yourself and consult an attorney about the situation. I also had our pediatrician's support and records of EVERYTHING we had done to keep all of our kids safe. Those helped. Even if you have to go back and write up all the various things you have done and tried, it can be a big help.