So B was admitted at the end of November for long term residential treatment. We have had our ups and downs with the program but we have seen success overall. We drive an hour Monday mornings to drop him off, Wednesday nights to visit and then Friday’s to pick him up. It’s been an exhausting program. But we have seen the success (meltdowns are less frequent and don’t last 1-3 hours like before.) The past 3 weeks though have been brutal. He was home on the weekend and physically restrained Little One. The facilitator called yesterday to say that due to B’s violence, 27 incidences since January and 7 just in the past two weeks that workplace advocacy committee stepped in. I was asked to pick him up and that he’s been discharged for the week. They will be having a meeting on Thursday if he will be readmitted. Our facilitator encouraged me to advocate for B to stay there, but I just can’t. I’m so tired, so burnt out from this schedule, from working, from being a mom and everything that’s expected from me. I just want to bury a hole and hide forever. I want to run away from all these responsibilities so I can just be me. I won’t, I can’t, because that’s just not me but it doesn’t change the fact that I really want too. If he cannot attend residential treatment because they cannot keep him and everyone else safe then how am I supposed to keep Little One safe? Their suggestion was to just not leave Little One and B alone. Thanks Captain Obvious! Well there goes my showers, there goes my ability to cook. I’m a prisoner in my own home. Little one is five now. I cannot bring him into the shower with me like I used too. Just doesn’t feel right now that he’s so much older, he asks too many questions. Maybe if we were the same gender. I feel like the only option if they discharge him completely is to put him in care. Our home community had absolutely nothing for him, which is why he was admitted to the program an hour away. The coordinator in our home town said we could look at another residential treatment but it would most likely be far away and he’d be on a wait list, for god knows how long. Putting him in care absolutely breaks my heart. But I’m also so very selfish, I’m tired. Tired of being a prisoner in my home. Tired of being emotionally and physically abused. Tired of having to give up everything for B. Tired of watching my other kids being put last because he’s always put first. I used to have friends, a had such an amazing large circle of friends. Now I have no one except my dear husband. And some days, that’s rocky. We don’t get to just be S and dear husband. I’m not sure if I even really know him anymore. Our conversations are about B or the other two. Little one has grown so much these past six months without B in home. I’m scared what will happen when and if B returns home only halfway through the program. The only saving grace yesterday when they called me was that I hurt my back bending over (sign of the times I guess, I’m officially old). So my doctor wrote me off for the rest of the week because I have a very physical job. At least I was already off. Can’t take anything for the pain now though since B is home. But small blessings I guess. I’m shocked I haven’t been fired from my job yet because of B. Sorry, just needed to vent to someone, anyone. Someone who might understand what I’m going through. It’s definitely pity party central at the moment. I’m hoping once I hear back, I can move forward and be productive. I just don’t have it in my today.