Son Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, May 1, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He is home. There were no alternatives that fit the timeline of the physical therapy hospital. I am not happy about this. I do not feel he was ready to be discharged to outpatient care, but insurance seldom takes that into consideration. The hospital dropped the ball on setting up all the various bits and pieces related to moving services here. No surprise to many of us.

    He cannot be left alone due to his current state of confusion which may be permanent. He needs help with daily living activities due to his physical condition. He is still mean as a snake. That was true before all of this. It is too much for one person. Services are slow in coming together.

    This is not a good situation for either of us. I do not mean to come off as heartless. I would not wish anyone to be in that condition. It was totally avoidable. He would do better in a different setting, because he retains the same noncompliance issues from before this event per our prior interactions.

    I will attempt to make lemonade out of lemons. Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps all of this is meant to repair our relationship to the warm loving relationship that existed before mental illness took it's ugly toll.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is my hope for you.
    With all the care your son needs right now I hope you will also make sure to take time just for you.
    Sending you prayers and hugs.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Pasa, there is a difference between heartlessness and an unblinking assessment of our situations. I read once about a woman described as having walked those paths she'd chosen with grace, if not pleasure.

    That is how I see you.

    Time will tell, pasa. One day at a time. For today, you are doing your best for him, and for you.

    I was never able to determine the purpose in what happened to all of us. Our daughter tells us now that our unwavering presence in her life helped her believe in herself again. During the darkest times we had no guidelines, and felt very lost. It was hard for us to know where that line was between enabling and supporting. We just did the best we knew. We learned to forgive ourselves for not knowing.

    It was hard to know the words to speak.

    Anne Lamott writes that there are really only three prayers: "Help!" "Thanks!" and "Wow!" Just in that moment before I spoke any words out loud, I found myself (and I still do) praying that one simple prayer, "Help!"

    Doing that helped me be my best self, for her and for me, I think.

  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for reminding me of these 3 prayers. Today my prayer is to let go of the useless feeling of anger of him putting himself in this situation. I am truly struggling with this. I think part of the problem is that this is one of things that I stuff down, and don't let myself fully feel the anger in order to be able to let it go. Very unhealthy
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I do not know what to do about anger either, pasa. All I could do (can do) is acknowledge it and say that prayer Anne Lamott gave us.

    For me, this time.

    Sometimes, there are no words.

    That is when "Help!" is a good word.

  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree.

    I know this isn't what you wanted.....(Remember the Rolling Stones song, "you don't always get what you want, you get what you need?") Perhaps there is a nugget of some truth here that will reveal itself down the line.

    Hang in there Pasa......

    What helps me is to take it one minute at a time and not to presume it will turn out the same as before, even if it appears to look that way now. I practice "refraining" a lot, after reading Pema Chodron books about living in uncertainty and finding a "fresh perspective"........ especially with my daughter....lots of history there, but if I can let each moment be new, and respond differently.......I feel better and it seems to help lessen the "charge."

    Sending a big hug......
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  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you recovering. I am struggling. I have an issue when someone displays anger and uses aggressive threatening posturing. I go into defensive mode and react out of fear. it happens instantly ( I was beaten and left to die by his father. He is his spitting image) there is no pause. I have been in PTSD therapy for years. It has not lessened the intensity of my reaction. That in turn makes me feel bad and the cycle continues.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, Pasa, that is an intense story, I can see how your son's anger would elicit that response. I am so sorry. Your reluctance to have your son live with you has a whole new meaning now.

    I have a habit of always trying to see the bright side or the possibility of a life lesson, so forgive me, I am not trying to minimize the trauma you've had to live with........perhaps your son living with you now brings a possibility of a healing for you? To respond to a similar aggression with a different reaction? I don't know, if you are in therapy, perhaps your therapist could help both of you address the traumas you both have faced?

    For me, sometimes when old traumas are ignited in some fashion, it can bring on an opportunity to heal something which until then, had been buried. I've looked at it like I wasn't ready to look at it before, but now that it's surfaced, maybe I am.......and I've had some success when that happens.

    I'm sorry Pasa, living with your son now must bring so much of that memory right up to the surface.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I agree with you recovering. I do believe this why things have played out the way they have. I also feel a great deal of guilt that i have been part of the problem.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I get the guilt.

    I've felt truckloads of guilt too. One quote that makes me laugh and also is true is Erma Bombeck's, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." Boy, ain't that the truth? It then would just give me more reason to beat myself up more because I must deserve's a vicious cycle. Like any of us, you did the best you could and as the quote goes, when you knew better you did better.......that's all we can do. We've got to take ourselves off that guilt hook....
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Pasajes, I'm so sorry you are struggling. I wish there was something to do besides say, "I'm here".

    I do get the reaction to your son and his aggressive anger. My ex and I had a very unhealthy relationship...not to the extent of yours by any means, but my son is so much like him at times that I can't help seeing his father. Thank God mine doesn't look like him too. It must be so very hard to deal with that.

    I hope that this turns into something constructive; a pathway to acceptance and forgiveness by you, and change in him.
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  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Lil. I truly hope we can turn a corner. I hate that growing up that there were times that I would shutdown and not be able to do the parenting necessary to address his issues. It must have been very confussing for a young person to understand why mom became so distant.

    I am both sad and yet relieved to know that there is someone else who has had some experience with this.
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation, Pasajes.

    I have not dealt with anything like this before. But I wonder, what help is available for you right now, while all of the pieces are coming together? Are you still seeing your counselor for PTSD? Is your son getting any counseling in addition to his physical therapy, given that he might be looking at some permanent changes? If not, would he be willing to do that? Do you think it would be worthwhile to pursue that, at least while he is living with you?

    Will he be possibly qualifying for some type of short-term or long-term disability support? Is that something you can start the ball rolling on, so to speak, to hopefully get it in place more quickly?

    It sounds like such an adjustment, on so many levels, Pasajes. I hope that as much as you are able you are putting YOUR needs and well-being forefront.
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  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Albatross, He is receiving disability. The social worker was supposed to find him a group home and match him with services here. That did not happen. I am working on getting him a case manager here that will coordinate services. I hope things jell sooner than later for both our sakes. He refuses to see a therapist or a psychiatrist and will not take medications. He wants weed. He feels that is the only thing that will help him. It is illegal in Texas period.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh. My. God.

    I'm just so sorry to read this. It's so completely asinine! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with him being so uncooperative on top of everything else.

    Is he doing even physical therapy? Will he cooperate on getting physically better? How much mobility and such does he have now?
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lil, He can walk for short distances with the aid of a walker or cane. He has been somewhat compliant. If it involves too much effort, he won't do it.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your situation now is reminding me of when I brought to my home my mother who had a very powerful personality, but was failing because of old age and illness.

    I was reduced to complete passivity and to being an around the clock servant.

    It is helpful for me to see your situation because I can clearly see that you should not be sacrificed, although I could not and still cannot feel such about myself. I do not forgive myself for insisting that my mother choose an assisted living or board and care home--the only reason being, that I be saved. I never believed myself worthy of being saved, if my mother suffered one bit.

    I was so wrong. I am so wrong.

    I do not believe one thing is helped by self-sacrifice to the point one is consumed or destroyed. Your son while he does not deserve to suffer (nobody does) is an adult now. As I understand it, ill or not, he set into motion certain events. You tried whatever you could to right him, without success.

    I remember a male nurse or PT I forget who at one of my mother's last facilities told me as I was bringing her home again: "You do not have to do this. You really do not."

    I did it. I had to do it. Intense guilt from decades back baked into my bones, drove me to.

    I write this post knowing that you will do what you feel you must.

    I will say it: You do not have to do this, PASA. There are alternatives. Board and care is one. Rehab is another. Has application been made for SSI? SSI and medicaid will likely pay for board and care.
  18. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Perhaps I am heartless, but when my daughter was "released" due to insurance, I refused to take her. They had to keep her until they could secure another placement. They literally told us she needed to be in a residential center and it would not be safe for us to take her, and then when insurance ran out, tried to tell us she had made a "miraculous turnaround" and we could take her home. I said no.

    It was awful. They made us feel like horrid people and threatened to send her to a homeless shelter. I stuck to my guns. I have never seen her case worker work so hard once I said no. They had assumed I would just assume responsibility when they told me to.

    She was her own worst enemy. They found a few places for her and she refused to go. She wanted to go back to living the way she wanted, drugging and doing as she chooses. She was able to talk some "friends" into taking her in. She has been thrown out three times in 3 months when people get enough of her. She too is defiant, angry, refuses to see a therapist or drug counseling, turns to drugs, and has been arrested since she got out.

    I did get her SSI. I had so many things lined up for her that would have had her independent but that isn't what she wants. She wants the easy thing - to take whatever she can from whoever she can while doing whatever she wants.

    As long as that is her attitude, I couldn't do it. She is disabled and I knew that without her full cooperation and commitment to getting clean and making changes, once she was in my home it would be almost impossible to get her out because her "rights" would be protected. I couldn't have her here, blowing up, harming herself, stealing, drugging, having GOD knows who in the house and going GOD knows where while I was gone. My heart so breaks for you and I wish it had not happened this way.
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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Walrus, I do not in any way think you heartless.
    This is what they do. It is about money. And liability.

    At this point how do you see PASA's situation and what do you see as her options?
  20. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I am just curious why he had to be released back to you? Were you legally obligated to take him? Isn’t he already a legal adult? I was just trying to understand, thinking about my own situation because I work daily full time, and I would not be able to stay home with an invalid / disabled patient (even my adult child) if sent to my home, and I would not be comfortable leaving them alone.
    I believe I would have said “it is not available for them to come here” and been like Walrus in refusing to take them if I could not handle it.

    Wouldn’t this also be the same situation with invalid ill parents also? You are not legally liable to accept them into your care, are you?

    I do understand from the love, caring, and goodness of heart, that many folks do this, as my sister did for my mom, but it is not a legal obligation, is it? I just want to clear up my confusion. Thanks.