Starting drugs today

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have not been doing well at all this past month...I felt myself spiraling downward and with the new responsibility of having my mother here, the winter settling in, and the impending holiday season...along with a lot of drama at work and with my lovely sisters (all of whom will be at MY house for Christmas Day)...

    Ugh, my sisters, especially loco sister (LS), the one who shares the care of my mom with me here in CT now. Omg - she's been insane. She bought all new furniture for mom's shared room at the nursing home. I thought for sure that they wouldn't allow it, but now mom has a ginormous dresser that's half empty and a huge bookcase next to her bed. Her phone is on the other side and mom can't even reach it. Whatever on that. Also, LS always makes comments about whenever she does my mom's laundry or when she visits, etc. Let me just say that I am not a person who has to remind everyone around me when ever I do something for another. I don't have to comment that EVERY time I see my mom, which is nearly EVERYDAY, I take laundry home with me. I use my own laundry bag - I don't take mom's hamper. LS takes mom's hamper, so to her it must look like I never do mom's laundry, but I do - about 4 loads a week. This could turn into a huge vent if I don't stop now.

    Well, I'm just hoping the antidepressant I start today kicks in fast. I know it usually takes a couple of weeks, but in the past, I've been lucky and begin to feel a change within a week - my body has a very low tolerance for medications in general. Maybe not in time for Christmas Day, but I have xanax on hand for that special day with the fam, lol.

    I'm not happy to go back on AD's, especially this early in the winter, but there it is; it's necessary. I also went back to my counselor and will see her several more times before taking a break when spring semester begins mid January. With my counselor I am working on not being resentful or hanging onto anger. I think depression has a way of exacerbating those emotions or perhaps exxagerating them and I don't need that.

    I remain grateful to have this time to care for my mom and see her often enough to enjoy her before her dementia gets the better of her. And I try to remind myself of everything in my life that is good, which is a lot. That helps me get through the day some days. Other days, in recent weeks, it's not enough and I find myself wanting to just check out. The only thing that keeps me hanging on are my daughters. On that

    I've been keeping up *I think* with the board. Hope you're all hanging in there for the holidays - big hugs to all and Happy Yule/Winter Solstice.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Hope they work for you soon, hon! *hugs* and Happy Holidays!
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hope your AD kicks in quickly! I'm sorry things are so stressful right now.(((hugs)))
  4. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    {{{Hugs}}} I too, hope the medications start working very fast. And that the xanax works well on Christmas Day too! Enjoy all your visits with your Mom and don't worry about LS. Let her brag/complain/whatever about how much laundry/visits she does. It doesn't take away what you do for your Mom. It just makes her look immature. :hugs:
  5. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Can comerisate with you on that "Saint" syndrome goin on with your sister - my mom has been in and out of the hospital but is 3,000 miles away, so I have to get news via my cousin -have to every day because I never know what is happening. I so appreciate her stepping up to the plate, but I am the kind of person who likes to "cut to the chase" How can one drag out my mother having a toilet accident into a 20 minute conversation on how she handed it, what she did, how long it took - it was 40 minutes last night of trying to get a straight answer as to how my mother is doing and hung up really not sure....again

    Somehow the holidays always ramp up the stress factor - have found that a few drops of Kaluha in my coffee helps LOL Have been in a very snarky mood for weeks - combo of work, mom, kids, endless rain.

    As far as your sister, I would be tempted to put in a call or send her an email to her (and cc everyone else you know she tells of all that she does) everytime you picked up a load of your mothers laundry

    Hang in there
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Marcie - one of the things I have grown concerned with is how much wine I'm consuming. I go to pour a glass and there's not even a 1/2 glass left in the bottle and I wonder to myself if it was me or one of my girls who've drunk it all! Yikes, not a good thing. I am still at one glass, 5 times a week, so not big danger. But I don't want to get to the point of relying on it, Know what I mean?? Of course, it being the holiday season, it does help. And it most definitely is teh combo of different things, such as mom, family, work, school *although thank GOD that's over for now* and the impending winter months...ugh.

    Thanks ladies - having understanding people in my life helps a lot.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well as long as its red They say that is good for the heart.

    I like the idea of emailing everyone saying...Hey sis, gosh, just picked up mom's laundry. Got some lovely fabric softener. LOL.
  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Don't have much time now - Have to pick up difficult child 2 at the library. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better soon!!! Hugs... SFR
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and some extra strength.

    I also like the idea of mass emailing re: Mom's laundry. Sounds like something I would do...
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Although I like the idea of the letter - it's not something I would do. I don't need the pat on the back from everyone for doing something that we all would do equally. I just have to re-learn how to let my LS's stuff roll off my back and get on with it, Know what I mean??

    Thank you again for the thoughts, hugs and strength. I really need and appreciate it very much.

    I just want to yell.......*(&(&^&*(%$#^%$#^%*(*)_(+( at the top of my lungs.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Your sister forgot to buy herself a corkboard for your Moms room - with completion stars......

    Sissy did LAUNDRY - BRIGHT SCHINEY (yes SCH) SILVER 2" Star -

    SISSY DID MOMMYS SOCKS - (no that's not laundry those are socks) BRIGHT SCHINEY (i said yes SCH) GOLD STAR - 3"

    SISSY DID MOMMYS WINDOWS - BRIGHT SCHINEY (okay you know this) BLUE GLITTERY STAR like windex - 2"

    SISSY TOOK OUT MOMMYS LITTLE GARBAGE PAIL (cross out the word little and write GINORMOUS) even if it's a 1 gallon small pail - note to self. GIVE HER A GREEN STAR 4" and a green leaf for being green! Yeah - and a smiley face and a kitten sticker. Wooooo hooo.

    SISSY IS A BROWN NOSER.....GIVE SISSY A LITTLE SMUDGE OF .........*use your imagination here......fudge.....and let her go skip down the hall announcing "I'm #1, I'm #1" and every time she does - YOU SAY under your breath - (At being annoying, at being annoying)

    Honestly kid - stick with me - and this will be Soooooo much fun. Besides - God sees what YOU do and your stars are jewels in your crown that you get in heaven - MUCH more lovlier than cardboard, glitter stars on a nursing home corkboard with some fanny waver. See MEeeeeeeee See MEeeeeeee??? I do laundry and I put it in a basket - just like plucking Moses from the Nile - (oh brother) You just have to find the humor in her Bravado. It's there - I can help! :winnersmiley:
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Very funny, Star, lol, thanks.

    Honestly, the LS stuff is secondary to just this hideous feeling of an anvil resting on my chest (I am flat chested basically,'s not that I have big boobs). I think LS is just the cherry on the icing of the cake, Know what I mean??

    My birthday is Monday and after these past few weeks and school ending and a new year beginning, I don't want to do anything. Yet, all three sisters will want to do something, even if they are just squeezing it in and it's half-assed. I would rather stay home and be quiet and watch movies or whatever. I'm simply not in my right frame of mind. I usually can muster up a smiley or put on a happy face no matter how I feel, but right now I feel dead inside.

    I haven't smoked in 12 weeks! And today I blew it by having one today. I don't feel guilty or mad, but I am disappointed a teeny tiny bit. I've never been the kind of smoker who will slip back into it, so I'm okay. But dang, 12 weeks. Why can't AD's work like aspirin?
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If AD's worked like aspirin we'd have to insert them rectally? ( you know...for all our PITA's)

    I have no good ideas today.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

  15. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm glad you accepted that you need the extra help right now. I really hope they kick in fast. I hate seeing you down. Extra hugs, Love ML
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I saw my counselor tonight and thankfully fell apart crying. It was good, really.

    She suggested that I write letters to all the people I feel resentment and anger towards, sooooo that includes LS, my boss (aka brother in law), a little bit of H. And lastly, ME; she said I should write a letter to me...acknowledging what I do (since no one else will, lol), and also as a reality check to maybe see that I may be allowing too much external crud get to me. She also suggested I do the letters before Christmas Day, sooooooooo tomorrow. I'm going to get right on that.

    Good stuff. I'm still spontaneously falling to pieces and crying off and on, but I feel a bit better right this minute.
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Letter writing helps, you don't even have to send them.................which I rarely do. lol But it does help me both with venting and sorting out my thoughts. If you do ever get one of my "letters"........whewww boy! You know you've peeved me to the max. ;)

    I was soooooooooooo lucky none of this went on with sister in law and I. Neither of us are the type of Lookie here and see what I did......people. ugh We each just did what we do best and it worked out great. But even then, it took it's toll and it does for sure.

    You enjoy spending time with your mom. You take care of you and yours. And let good ol' sis walk around with fudge on her nose like Star said. LOL
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, Lisa, these letters are for ME - they will not be sent out. No point really as my emails are usually misconstrued and then I have to follow up with more to clarify. Why is that? Because we all pervceive them differently and see only what we want to see. Nope, the sole purpose of the letters are for me to get it out so I can move on and not hang on to any of that anger, resentment and fury. I need to and deserve peace throughout my holiday time, just as we all do. I am not an anti-Christmas person, in fact, I generally enjoy the holidays because they also include my b'day and to me, birthdays are more important than any other holiday. So, I need to get it out and get on with it.

    I had breakfast with my mom this morning and I cannot tell you how it just puts me into such a nice frame of mind all morning.