hi to everyone,
so, i've steered clear of this thread for a few days in order to think, process, take the time to truly address this issue instead of just venting it and not properly taking the time that was needed to "gut" myself out and get my true wants, needs, and view our relationship as a whole.
so i did just that. I also did some fact checking, may seem silly yet i had to know for myself the truths of the tails that were handed to me, etc. Long story short this was infact an ex girlfriend of his friend with whom they all worked together, his friend dumped her she became very explosive in the store and my boyfriend was asked by his friend to step in and hopefully add some light to the situation and calm. yet the talks between them gravitated and became more and more.
Realizations of this person, young girl were realized. when boyfriend finally cut all ties after realizing that she was obviously after a whole lot more than a friend and shoulder to cry on, they began talking in november her pajama gift and love letter of which he did not open were given in dec. and by feb. she handed him the card stating that she wanted to be with him, etc. on and on. he then fired her at that point. she became employed by another rest in the area. the papers read this way an emotionally unstable young waitress according to both customers, owner, and staff and a waitor of which she stalked there filed rape charges against the owner of hte rest with whom allowed her to "cry on his shoulder" as well, and allowed her and a girlfriend to have one drink one night while cleaning up. the allegations were investigated, the owner was quoted as saying i was just trying to be nice she was a troubled girl i am married with two children she called, and texted, harrassed me prior to this, and did same to a waitor here at our bus. it got to the point where i had to fire her once i did so these allegations were made. long story short investigation was held by local police she was not raped, nothing could be proven the staff and her supposed friend stated such all charges were dropped the bus. slowly began to go under it seems to be regaining strength now, etc. etc.
he stopped talking to her in may. i addressed it back then yet new info came to light recently which sent me reeling and questioning what it is i am in, previous trust issues as well.
after speaking to boyfriend at length, his therapist, my therapist and me taking a whole lot oftime to view the entire situation this is what i found......
i chose a man with whom now openly admits as well his need to be needed by woman as we already stated, when i am busy with my own stuff and life and someone comes into his zone of which is extremely needy it strokes his ego to be needed and forfills their emotional need. so very wrong. trust was violated, i was lied to, overall not good situation. yet here is what i have found. i have faced several challenges this year myself a trauma from my childhood emerged at boyfriend's prompting to get it out so i could handle it he knew it was there yet i wasn't sure of it. he was the one with whom held me through it, sat up all night holding me through the nightmares and flashbacks, also yes helped tremendously with difficult child on countless occassions whether it was to awaken me the nights i crashed because i could stay up any longer, or to assist in paying for the hospital bill, or to rearrange his children's schedule to suit our home needs better. he has also gone out of his way for me on many occassion as a person should in a relationship yet beyond hte call of duty more than one time to say the least.
at the end of my day when difficult child has depleted me emotionally he is always there to lend an ear sit wtih our cup of tea help me weed through my thoughts, of not only the abuse i suffered yet of how to proceed with difficult child, what to do, etc. when my family disowned me last year which hurt the kids and i tremendously he was by my side, held my hand through it, even made attempts of his own to reconcile my family and myself. he never goes out ever maybe twice if memory serves me, he rushes home at the end of each day to make sure that i'm not scared he's doing something" horrifying", and calls onteh way to ask what it is i need and want tea, food, aspirin, etc. he has sat countless times in that truck with me at the end of his day in the middle of the nigth covered in food from cooking all night sitting there even yawning to listen to me vent.
so this isn't an issue of me not thinking i deserve better at all. i'm in tact, have alot more growing to do but i am in tact. i think it's an issue of recognizing whether there's anything left to build from between us, whether the hurt and lies and betrayal can be forgiven and if we can find the trust that never existed adn build the foundation that is incredibly rocky.
here is why i think i should give it one more shot. he accepts me for who i am, not who he wants me to be. he knows all of my weakness and he knows all of my strengths, he doens't ask me to change who i am to fit his needs he only changes his needs to fit my abilities right now. he has displayed even through what went on and the bad choices that he made that he does infact care for me and is willing now to let down his guard truly and actually state yes i have alot of work to do alot of therapy and i will try my best to overcome it. this may not work or it may. he is very well aware that i may not want this in a few weeks if it is too taxing and hard. we have made provisions so taht if that does occur i will have this place for my kids and i and he will have somewhere to go.
i sat last night with him and the kids reading it's what we do on mondays and wednesdays together before bed. i still can get that pit of the stomach feeling that i love him when i watch him sit there reading, joking with the kids. i still get that feeling when he looks at me the way he does and smiles.
whether or not these are viable reasons to push it for another few weeks or a mos. i do not know. i just know i have to make this choice for me, what i want where i will be the best person i can be for difficult child's and for myself. i too have alot of work ahead of me i'm still not healed from my trauma, i don't think it'll ever be over but i fight and struggle everyday adn always will. that has also taken it's toll on us and possibly created alot of stress on him, besides the financial of me leaving my job several mos ago.
so overall that's where i am. i have to follow my gut on this one. yet i made the decision with an open mind alot of information and a clear head. either way i know i will be fine and my kids. it's just strange getting to see all of this and than realizing that alot of what it is that made me fall in love with him is alot of the reasons that prompted what he did. maybe doesn't make sense but it's his own personal issue of needing to be needed accompanied with his genorosity of always want to help. yet yes he made very bad choices and we are going to require counseling, i go weekly so does he yet now it's going to require joint counseling. he sold one of the rest. to try and get more of a cash flow for us and to open up more time for him so taht we can have some assemblance of a normal relationship. that was in teh works yet he surprised me with the news just a few days ago.
anyway ok difficult child's are off today and i had to lock myself in a room just to go online lol. by the way difficult child is back to sleeping off the herbal thing and brushing.
all of you are amazing
hugs to all of you
