Talked to my son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Mar 28, 2018.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Since my son’s been in rehab ,we really haven't talked, most of the calls were him telling me to pick him up and how he would change , I would tell him he needs the help & he would hang up on me.Today his social worker called said hes been opening up alot & participating in group therapy which was great news. Then he called me tonight , sounded good, and sounded happy but he keeps mentioning about coming home when he gets out :( I dont know what to do because I still havent changed my mind about him coming home.
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is hard to give someone news that you know they will be upset over, especially when you love the person. As I see it, you have the following choices:

    A. Don't say anything either way. Let his father deal with it all as you try to recover from your son's abuse of you. This will be very hard on your relationship with him in the long run as well as the short run. When you do eventually talk to him, tell him that you were too upset to talk to him about it or you couldn't figure out how to explain it to him.

    B. Tell him when he is released. It will be a huge shock to him. He will be released from the rehab facility, so if he acts out, your husband is on his own with him. Your husband may just dump your son on you without asking (we have seen it done with other kids here in the past) and leave. This gives your son what he wants and tells him that making a big mess is going to get him whatever he wants. It also damages your son's relationship with his father. You will agonize over this decision until the day you tell your son about this.

    C. Tell your son as soon as possible, or at least while he still has a few days left in the facility. This gives the staff time to help him process this big change and get ready for it. Tell your son that the reason is due to your job or your health (IF and only IF you actually have health issues, but with all this stress . . . ). Make sure that he is told that this is not up for debate or discussion, and that you are sorry about it, and you love him very much. If possible, take him his favorite cookie or junk food for the trip to his Dad's. Be SURE to tell staff what you are going to tell him before you do it and then right after you do it. They need to know these things. This way gives you FAR less time to agonize over telling him. You get it done much faster.

    D. Let the Rehab social worker or Family Therapist tell your son DURING a phone session. Meaning that you would be on the phone and your son would be in the room with the counselor or therapist. This might help you both through the conversation. It also ensures that at least one member of staff sees his honest, in the moment reaction. This can be a good thing. If the staff cannot see it, they cannot help treat it. Or recommend that your son gets more help for it. The more people who see how scary and dangerous he can be, the better. This might give you an extra day or so to agonize, but probably not more than that.

    I hope that helps lay out the options. Sometimes another person can put them all out there for you when your mind is going in circles.
     
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  3. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Thank you, Im already worrying about , but he still has 45 days to go, its just how I am :/ I just feel bad because he is only 15 teen but the things he has done , is not that of a child. Hes already threatning to run away if he has to go by his dads when he gets out.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi

    You cannot let your son hold you hostage nor be afraid that he gets mad.

    I will tell you that my therapist (who is an addiction specialist) recommended to me that we tell our son anything NOW that we think may upset him while he is in a safe place and can work through it rather than using news (bad or good) as an excuse to use drugs again or as an excuse for bad behavior. I can't remember your exact story.
     
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  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you asked the therapists about an aftercare plan? I don't know how old your son is but in my daughter's case it was recommended that she definitely did not come home after she was released. In many cases, that is stepping backward instead of moving forward. Not to mention the chaos you would be bringing back into your home if he relapses.

    Most of the time the recommendation is a sober living house where there would be continued supervision with a goal of independent living with adult responsibilities.

    Even though my daughter is 32 now and has been sober for two years and is totally independent, I find both of us slipping back into old unhealthy roles when we spend long period of time together. It is so easy to fall back into the old family dynamic.

    ~Kathy
     
  6. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    He is only 15 teen, there is a sober living house after he completes program but he needs to be 16 teen :/
     
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I didn't realize he was so young. That does complicate things. I would work closely with the team at the rehab center for the aftercare plan.

    It would help if you would add your son's age to your signature so we could be more helpful. To add or edit your signature click Signature in the Account Settings menu. Enter your signature text and then click Save Changes.

    ~Kathy
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh we are right there with you. We hope to have this conversation soon but hav not had it yet. Our son is making the Danes statements as yours. It is not easy.