That sinking feeling...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Aug 22, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Son is still not working. He's looking, a bit. I know he went to the temp agency but they never called him back. I know he mailed his resume to a few places. The factory I mentioned before is still hiring. In fact, they're having another job fair next Tuesday. But, the thing is, he says he went there Monday. We checked the car mileage and it was about right for him to have done so.

    Today I mentioned the job fair at work and a coworker told me her 20 year old went yesterday, applied for the warehouse, was sent to the warehouse, interviewed, hired on the spot to start Sept. 17, then sent back to the main office to do her drug test.

    I call my son. What position was it he applied for? Warehouse. I tell him about the girl who got hired on the spot yesterday. His response? "I guess I didn't get that job then." I ask him if he failed the drug test and didn't want to tell us. "No...I should pass the drug test."

    I can only think one of 3 things:
    1) He didn't go at all.
    2) He didn't pass the drug test - but since they hire then do the test, I don't understand that one.
    3) Something else was different about maybe they only hire on the spot if you have a work history or maybe the interviewer wasn't in that day.

    I want to believe 3. I actually lean toward 1.

    I hate this. I hate this feeling. I want to believe he's applied at least. I have very little reason to believe him. Right now he's got no money coming from us. He's got no car access. He is spending a lot of time with a friend of his who is a known stoner - just came back a couple weeks ago from the Gathering of the Juggalos and our kid said he came back with weed, but that he was not partaking because of needing to pass a drug test for work. FWIW, I haven't seen any obvious signs of him being stoned, glassy eyes, munchies, etc... I am trying to just leave things alone and let him get a job on his own and not push and treat him like a grown-up.

    But I can't help wondering if it's all a lie. The fact that I don't trust him is so depressing.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Wow! I wouldn't normally suggest this but since his stories seem so lame is there any way you can check to see if he applied? Would your friends daughter be willing to ask if he had applied? It could completely turn the hiring manager off that someone is asking and make them think something is wrong with the kid BUT if he isnt getting hired anyway whats the loss. It would give you a little reassurance or some fire power to use.

    I dont know what else to say. The only thing left to take away from him is food and housing. At 19 that is pretty harsh but something has to give.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I know. My husband was even home Monday. He didn't notice anything odd about how long he was gone. The mileage was right for him to have gone there. I told my son to call them and tell them he'd heard of someone getting hired on the spot and ask if there was something wrong with his application. He said OK. If I get home and he says he called, I'll check his phone records. Then I'll know if he's lying. We'll see.
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    I feel like you are exhausting yourself checking up on your son. Is it possible for you to back away? At this point in time the issue is really the outcome (he has to get a job), not the process. If you are checking mileage, checking phone records, asking around, etc, then you are doing too much work...I think/hope you will find more peace if you disengage. Drop the issue of the warehouse job. Let him know that if he doesn't have ajob by Oct 1 then he has to leave (or that he has to leave either way)...that you love him but you won't be in the position of indefinitely supporting a grown man...

    But either way, spending so much time managing your suspicions about him is exhausting..try to step away, detach, if you can.


  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh heavens we haven't been doing that for four weeks! Maybe I wasn't clear. Several weeks ago (I'd have to check my last thread to know when exactly) we just told him, "We're done. We're not going to treat you like a child. You're a grown-up. You get food, shelter and phone - you want anything else get a job." We really haven't even talked to him about work much, other than asking occasionally. We cut off phone and car access. It's been downright relaxing to NOT check up.

    On two occasions we let him do odd jobs around the house (things we'd pay someone to do because we just can't get to them) and paid him a grand total of $35.00. Otherwise he's had no money and we've told him there are no more jobs we need done.

    The checking the mileage was only that one time, because we told him the car was for job hunting only and if we found out he misused it he would lose that. So the one time he took the car, we checked the mileage to make sure he'd gone where he said he had. He's not using our gas money to clown around.

    I didn't "ask around" about the factory. I got an email through a local TV station, just one of those spam things that talks about what's going on in town. It mentioned the job fair. I mentioned it to a coworker and that's when she told me her kid had been hired. I wasn't checking up on him at all.

    He had lied to me about the temp agency previously...he went there, but told me he'd called them (when they had not called him) to see about the job he'd been applying for when he had not. (He later told his dad the truth.) I told him then I was done. There are no more jobs forthcoming from us so if he wants money he has to get a job. That's all that's been said about it.

    So you see, finding out today about the factory job fair and my coworker's daughter getting a job there was just a fluke. But it set off all my alarm bells. He's not a person who is happy with no money and if we're not giving it to him and he's not looking for work...what's he doing?

    I think this is one of those "parade of terribles" someone mentioned earlier, where I start imagining all the horrible possibilities.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    aaannd I was right. :( I admit to feeling kind of bad about being right, because what I did was pretty much entrapment. I texted my son and asked if he'd called them. He called me and told me he had, and there was a problem with his application and he was going to go back Monday and get it straightened out and he'd probably be hired then.

    I was looking at his call log on Sprint when he said this. He hasn't made any calls today.

    So I told him so. Then I told him I just wanted him to not lie.

    He said he did go to the factory Monday, but was afraid that he wouldn't pass the drug test (because although he smokes the synthetic that doesn't show, apparently the pipe he used had residue of actual weed and he was afraid it would show up) so he just sat in the parking lot for a while then came home. He said, "I know it was stupid, because I wanted to go back, but then I couldn't figure out how to get the car again when I'd already gone." Why didn't he just tell us the truth? Because he knows how we feel about the pot/fake-pot and he didn't want to tell us why he wanted to wait.

    I'm actually not mad at him. I don't like that he's doing what he is. (He, "Just wants to feel happy." his words.) But he doesn't bring it in our home and I really can't stop a 19 year old from doing what he wants. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. He lied to us again.

    In a way, I blame myself. I told him to go. In fact I pushed him to go. If I hadn't, he may well have gone on his own when he was more sure of the drug test result and had a job. But I insisted he go Monday...and he went...and he lied about applying.

    I told my son, I'm not angry. I pushed him to go Monday and I shouldn't have. He's a grown up and all I want is for him to get a job and stop lying to us - not necessarily in that order. I told him I'm not going to tell him what to do with respect to jobs anymore. It's on him.

    He of course started in on how he puts in applications but no one calls and I had to say, "You still haven't tried fast food or grocery stores" and he had to say "I hate fast food. I never want to work fast food again." So I said, "Whatever. You'll take care of it one way or the other." Great start on the not-telling-him-what-to- do, huh?

    I have to discuss this with my husband. I don't know what we'll do. How my husband will react...I do not know.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    This post sounds just like those I was posting about Tony's brother Buck last year. I would tell him he had to go out to try to get a job, he would lie about it, I would catch him in the lie...and nothing ever happened except I got ticked off.

    Gosh I am glad he is gone. Now the only buck I have to worry about is the dollar bill in my pocket!
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    My husband and I just had a talk. We've determined the following.

    First, We're actually not angry - just disappointed.

    Second, We're going to tell him if he's decided to actually go, he can. The rule that he can only use the car for going there to apply stands. IF he gets a job, he can use the car ONLY to go to work and back until such time as he gets a paycheck and pays his own way. we will say nothing more to him about work unless he initiates the conversation. However...

    Third, Whether he chooses to go back there or not, he is expected to have a job by October 1. We aren't planning (at this time) to kick him out. But we WILL stop providing things for him. He has always been a very picky eater. We will stop buying things he prefers. We won't buy soda we don't drink or anything of that nature. We'll stop buying his cigarettes. In short, he gets a place to live and food - but it's food we eat. He doesn't like whole grain bread and fresh veggies and turkey? Too bad. We're not buying white bread chicken patties and hot dogs to suit him.

    Our biggest worry is he is doing something illegal. We've always thought his "friend" was selling...since I saw a Facebook post he made about "restocking" while he was in the city. He is not allowed in our house for that reason. But we have no proof. Our son is being told that if we even suspect he's doing something like that, we will take the car back even if he's paying his own gas. (Until then he won't be driving it.) We will not lose that car even if it is a heap because there's something illegal in it. He's being reminded that if he gets arrested, he will sit in jail and bail will not be made under any circumstances.

    We haven't noticed anything missing from our house...but we haven't really been looking either. If we find he's stolen anything, he will be kicked out of our home.

    We don't actually know or even seriously suspect he's dealing or stealing. But there's been little things, like fast food wrappers in the trash when he has no money - he says the other kid treated him - we have no way to know what he gets up to when he goes to "hang out" with this other guy. It worries me.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    You have a right to worry but it could be the other kid is buying. My son gets very little money each month but he will feed his friends if they are hungry.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member


    I hate to say this but can I come live with you? Seriously?

    I want a place to live where all I have to do is.......well nothing. He isn't doing anything. His punishment for not getting a job in 5 weeks is that you wont buy his favorite foods or his smokes? Where do I sign up? I want to be able to lay around all day. Hang with friends. Smoke pot/synthetic pot. Eat. Drink. and do pretty much nothing else.

    OK I know that was harsh but where is this kids motivation to improve? If he is getting synthetic pot he will find a way to get smokes and treats. All while he lays around your house doing nothing. I think it would be OK to be angry at this point. He lied to you, he stole from you (the gas), he smoked pot, and he manipulated the information after the fact. I am soooooo not buying the I smoked using a pipe someone else smoked weed in.

    When do you say enough? What happens that makes you say get off your butt and get a job or you are out of my house? What age is going to be the magic number for growing up?

    While my daughter has it pretty cushy it would not have been as cushy had she been lying to me about applying for jobs. She has now had that job for a few weeks and we are discussing her moving out soon.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You aren't wrong. Not really. I know that. Husband and I aren't quite ready to give up yet. It isn't that he dies zero around the house. He often does misc chores, etc. There is a finite time here, we haven't settled on what that is yet.

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  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I figured out he lied before you Been there before. And I'm surprised you're not angry at his horrible, childish lifestyle and smoking synthetic pot, which is very dangerous. I was VERY angry at my daughter. I knew she could do better and I was angry that sh e chose not to. But even she had a job because she got nothing from us. One thing she did tell me after she quit using drugs is that "if you use drugs, you sell them." She was adamant about it. So maybe your son has more money than you know. I remember stammering, "Y-y-you sold?" She said, "Mom, everyone in the drug scene sells and uses. It goes together. You aren't e3xactly worried about your morals and you are under pressure from your friends to sell and, yes, I did." Color me stunned. And angry. Even though she had quit maybe a year before she told us. she was/is so smart and artistically gifted and here she had been SELLING drugs on top of working at Walmart. She HAD money, but she told me she still sold drugs. I have standards of behavior I expect my kids to follow or else, yes, I do get angry. I do not talk to them about being angry, but I have boundaries about how you can behave and still live at home. Thus, she was told to leave and did and quit.

    We all have to take our own walk, however. I hope your son doesn't end up like 36...36 and still unable to take care of himself emotionally in any way.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Me too. :o_O:

    I guess not angry isn't accurate. I am, but I suppose my anger is overridden by the disappointment. I've been angry for so long about so many things that I don't think I really have it in me anymore. It doesn't do any good to be angry. It doesn't change anything. It makes me sick and tense and I just don't want to feel that anymore.

    Not just kicking him out comes from a few places.

    1) He's only 19. I still have hope that he'll get a job, straighten up, find new (better) friends. I'm not to the place where I'm ready to say, "This is it." There is a line for him to cross and he hasn't yet.

    2) We put him out and then what? He has no job, no car, no money, no family except us within 100 miles. There is one homeless shelter in this town. I think it has 20 beds. Maybe he'd go there, but more likely he'll end up couch surfing and the only people he knows who will let him do that are more likely to get him in real trouble. Holding out for #1 to happen seems preferable at this time.

    I know. God, how well I know. The only thing I said to him about that today was, "I just really wish you'd quit." His response was, "I just want to feel happy sometimes." It scares me that he doesn't think he can feel happy without some substance. I've been so worried about this for so long. I've offered counseling, he rejects it. I know I can't make him go...we did that last summer. All he did was lie to the counselor. If he doesn't want help it won't do any good.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Addiction is ugly. My daughter did meth. She looked like she had last stage AIDS. Her eyes were sunken. I thought she was going to die. I cried a lot. I went to Al-Anon and found some strength to keep on raising my other two kids and even having a little fun in the meantime. If she had been home, at least for me, I could not have focused on anything but her and my fear. Distance did help.

    Even living at home, before she left, my daughter was assaulted in the park by several boys, threatened with death by a dangerous drug seller, and doing almost anything she would have done if homeless. The rest of us needed to live and we couldn't live with never knowing when the cops would show up or she'd disappear at night again. But I know about the line you're talking about.

    My daughter crossed it at a time when she had convinced us that she was clean. So we let her stay home alone (after all, she was 19) while we took the two younger kids to a waterpark hotel for two days. After one day, the kids got bored so we came home early and surprised her, not on purpose. She was supposed to be watching the dogs and not have friends over. Surprise!!! She was having a whopping drug party with all sorts of strange looking scary people there, lots of smoking who knew what, and tons of pills and everyone was high. We had to call the cops to get them out. That was the crossed line for us.
  15. APK

    APK New Member

    Is the pot legal in your state?

    His lying is not your fault, no matter what you do. A person who is committed to being honest will not lie even under some pressure. The reason you tested him is because you suspected he was lying because he has a history of lying.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Ug MWM, that was the worst thing you could have said. Sept. 6 is my husband's 30th high school reunion, out of town, and we're debating leaving the dogs with our son...and frankly leaving our son at all. We're going to leave the kid one way or the other, we have a pretty good neighborhood watch, but leaving the dogs...I'm not so sure. In any event, he has no curfew and if he wants to stay out all night he can. But it's stuff going on IN my house I'm worried about when we're gone. He'll be reminded that anything missing will mean his immediate expulsion from the worries notwithstanding. I will NOT be stolen from. Not ever again.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 2, 2014
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You may want to insist he stay with another relative when you're not home. I should have done that, but I truly believed she had quit. Gullible much???
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    No. I'm in Missouri. Not even medial legal here.

    I know his lying isn't my fault. Dangit he could have just TOLD us he was worried about the drug test. We aren't stupid. We realized where our $35 had gone...which is why he won't be getting any more jobs from us. Truthfully, we still have some to be done. He won't be doing them. I felt bad about tricking him...but if he hadn't been lying, I wouldn't have been tricking him. For that matter, if he was a better liar I wouldn't have known. He could have just said he'd used the house phone...we have a land-line. But he's not even a good liar. I suppose I should be glad of that. He does usually get caught.
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Maybe. We are going to be near my in-laws, but I so don't want to do that to them or him. lol... My in-laws are lovely people, but well, they know a bit too much about this situation and a lecture for a day and a night is not what any of them need!

    I may have a friend run by the house a few times...I have several who would...and tell him I'm doing it.
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I used to search my daughter's room without her knowing and I didn't feel guilty. I felt I could be saving her life by learning what was going on with her. And I did find a letter to a friend of hers (this was before texting) where she wrote all about how she was going to run away to Colorado to be with some guy. If we hadn't snooped, we wouldn't have known. We confronted her and she ragged on about how we invaded her privacy and we told her she had no privacy as long as she was breaking the law. Then we called his parents. She had put his phone number on a piece of paper too and we also found that. The parents were furious. He was in college. Daughter was a minor. I thought I could see smoke coming out of his mother's ears and she said, "I guarantee you, that will not happen." It didn't.

    We also found drugs in her room that hinted that she was taking more than pot but I didn't want to believe it. When she said "I'm holding it for Friend" I wanted to believe it. To me, once you break the law, you lose your privacy and I will do what I have to do in my house, if you live there, to try to keep you safe. If you don't like it, you can leave.Obviously, living at home didn't keep her from risking her life when she was with her lovely band of "friends" (cough, cough).

    My house/my rules. I'm really