The blue in his eyes are no longer

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Dec 15, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Well here we go again. For the last two months I had my son back. We did Thanksgiving and he reunited with family. He got a job that he liked and bought a car
    All was good!
    This last week in between working and getting ready for Christmas my husband and I both noticed a changed in his behavior. He was isolating and easily agitated. He stopped talking about going to meetings and looking like crap! He claimed hes just tired from working a lot of hours. Okay I get that. But last night I knew the dope signs and he is showing it. We had company over so I ignored the signs.
    This morning hes sitting on the porch listening to music looking like crap. The blue in his eyes are turning dark and pale rash face of that evil dang drug is arising before my eyes. I cant ignore!
    I asked him to admit he is high he denied. I said your not fooling me. I told him I wont have drug use on my property he must leave. He said he was at a party and it was there so he did some and came to my house.
    I dont understand why he wants to be around me when hes drugging I will never get that about him. On my past posts he would constantly break in the house.
    Well he left driving with an expired tag. I hope and pray he dont screw up. My husband wanted to let him in the house to sober up but i disagree and said this is his problem. I cant be around this. I pray for a good night sleep and hope hes safe. I don't know.
    Joysheph
     
  2. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son has, as far as I know, been clean for the last few days after at least 7 days of using. I know some of the signs and behaviors of my son when he's using, as you seem to be able to tell with yours. I'm torn between thinking that they want to be home when they're high or coming down because they feel safe, or thinking they just don't care. And I'm also torn between your position of not wanting him in your home and your husband's of giving him a "safe place" to sober up. But I'm leaning toward your position because my son can do and say some hurtful things when he's on drugs and especially when he's on drugs and off his medications.Before our last blowout I had already told him he can't be here when he's using. (Just to clarify, he doesn't live with us, he's staying with a friend, but he's over here a lot).

    I hope you and your husband can come up with a solution that you both agree on and one that gives you the security you should be able to feel in your own home. There are several reasons my son can't live with my husband and me, and his unpredictable drug use and behavior is only one of them. Come up with boundaries that work for you and your husband, give them to your son, in writing if necesssary, and then stick to them. Although I'll be the first to tell you that's easier said than done. Good luck, and I hope you can get some much needed rest!
     
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  3. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    LauraH, I so agree on easier said than done. We tried no less than four written contracts, which we didn't enforce because we didn't want to make him leave. We have learned that they don't work unless you're totally able emotionally to follow through. This time we don't have a contract but I do follow through if I asked him to do something and told him the consequences of not doing it. And if don't threaten to kick him out. At least until husband and I are ready and then we will stay strong.
     
  4. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    That's just it, we have set up boundaries several years ago. I have followed thru until this last time he had a humbleness in him and wanting to stop using. I seen the other day the humbleness is gone. So I yet again turn to this website and remember what I've learned and the strength I've gained from here.
    So, I woke up and packed up his things and realized that he broke the contract he used drugs. Now he must leave. Sure I get addicts it's a disease but if you are a diabetic and eat that chocolate cake and you are ill afterwards so you grab your insulin. To only realize was that cake really worth it? So you get back on track to a healthy lifestyle.
    I keep wondering he tells me he had a moment and he hates how he feels and wishes he never used. But in the same breath he says how hes ADHD and he for once felt like he can focus and write and read again. Bull crap it's the drugs grabbing him back in. He says I'm ruin his life if I make him leave and that will make him buy more dope. I yelled no it's you not me.
    I've joined other FB groups that are in recovery just to read and learn from both sides of this crisis. Yes. I have read many posts of addicts relapsing and most will post how they go to meetings or call a sponsor and they will start back on recovery. Not my son he thinks 12 steps are not for him and he can do this with family support. But yet he sure did finish all the dope dont want to flush it down the drain not to waste the drug! Sure he relapsed we are humans but why continue the high why not flush the rest and seek put for help? I don't get that?
    Joysheph
     
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Watching them relapse is heartbreaking. I think you are doing the right thing. He will never get himself straightened out if he is allowed a place to stay, etc. while he is using. As I have told my daughter: I will do anything to help you get well. I will do nothing that will keep you sick. It goes against everything in our souls as parents- we want to rush in and make things better. But it's the only way for them to become healthy adults. Stay strong. I'm sending peace your way.
     
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont usually play Devils Advocate but I am going to do that now to sort of explain how hard it is to quit from my kind of clueless point of view.

    Remember, their bodies are addicted to drugs and they get very VERY sick if they dont feed the monkey. It requires a form of torture, really

    What if you were never again allowed to have any form of sugar? You couldnt even have a piece of chocolate candy or it would put your life at risk. Not like diabetes where people do cheat but can still get back on track. Nope. You have to give sugar up forever. Can never cheat or you are back to square one, sick. Dying even. How easy would it be to do that?

    What about the times we promise to eat less and exercise more to lose weight to get healthy? Our weight is causing us all sorts of health issues. How easy is it, even without the physical addiction factor, to turn down the Christmas ham and treats let alone find a new way of having a relationship with food and exercise almost every day to save our lives? If our doctor tells us we must cut out delicious food or we could get very sick, even die, do most of us have the willpower? Some yes. Many no or just too stubborn to follow doctors orders. Just like many wont take cholestral or blood pressure medications even when warned they must. Some wont take lifesaving medications for reasons as trite is they may gain weight.

    Some drug addicts quit. But its not easy. So there is relapse just like we decide to forget our diets for a day and after ingesting all the
    great sugars and starches it is hard to go back.

    I think I get it. Yes, they can get sick, even die. So can we if we keep up the weight down or must we have those french fries and chocolate cake. We can refrain as our mouth waters, but its hard to do, even knowing the consequences.

    Can it be done? Yes and help is usually needed. Is it easy? No. Not at all. They not only crave it but their addicted body makes them sick. Demands it.

    Would I tolerate a drug abuser in my home, even a child, even knowing its so hard? No. And I didnt. And she fortunately did quit.

    But I think quitting drugs is a really hard task best done in rehab and I do understand relapse. On the streets its a candy bar that our No Sugar Allowed body wants more than that healthy life, those twenty less pounds. Just a little bite? How can it hurt???

    Anyone here try to quit smoking?

    Anyone try not to have alcohol when everyone is drinking? I dont drink. Ever. Its bad for my mental health and I wont. You would be AMAZED at the peer pressire to take a drink. Or just a sip. It can feel like people are laughing at you. Or shoving you hard. I dont really care but many people really hate it. Which reminds me that most addicts can never drink responsibly and have to say no to alcohol too. You are going against the grain.

    Addictions are anything but easy.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I agree SWOT. Addictions are tough and drugs and alcohol involve our biological systems so it makes it that much worse. It isn't like--just cut up the credit card and you can't shop.
    I never drink alcohol when we are out. Nothing I actually like.
    Alcohol-- I wish they made 99 peaches vodka in an alcohol free variety!
    I have a diet sprite with a shot of 99 peaches vodka-- I love the flavor-- the peach--yumm. I have tried different peach flavorings and none of them come close. Wish I could find one! I tried skinny mixers peach (love zero calories but it tastes slimy). I could say I will never have it again..I would be lying. I could say I won't buy another nail polish-lying.
    we all have our weaknesses- just some are worse for us than others.

    i wouldn't want a drug addict living in my house either but, I would worry so much about him I don't know what good it would do him not being home (if he wanted to be).
    Make sure he knows you don't condone the addiction and help him get into a rehab (again).
    Maybe your hubby can't sleep at night not knowing where his son is?

    I wonder if drug addicts can replace the addiction with something else? Your son sounds like he was doing very well. Will he talk to you about how he felt when he was clean and achieving good things?
    Can a doctor help him? Perhaps he has legitimate depression or anxiety and need medication?
    Just thoughts.
     
  8. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My son has refused rehab, meetings or getting a sponsor. I begged him to go to a meeting. I told him his way is not working. He said I don't understand what he is going through that hes stressed out over a girl. He just wants me to let him stay at my house. He never apologized or accept what my rules are. No drugs period. I got him a motel for tonight cause I feel Leary him here. I ask him what are your plans for tomorrow. He said what I always do. He gets paid.
    He dont want to get help professionally and he dont want to be told what to do. This is wear we buttheads. He dont want to medicate his depression or mental illness. He knows what he wants. So I'm done helping I'm ticked off and tired of this.
     
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would not let your son and his excuses live in my house nor would I go broke paying for motels. Many people do, but it doesnt do any good. Unless they want rehab and sober living and following societal rules (they go together) he isnt ready to make a life change that requires hard work and tough, sober rules.

    I never helped my daughter take drugs by making it easy for her to do so. No money. Living in less than perfect conditions. Walking to and from work in a Chicago winter. She straightened out fast after we pulled out from helping her.She quit over a decade ago and said "Its too hard to do drugs. Im done."

    She was, went back to school, took out a loan, bought a house with her boyfriend and is a great Mom to my precious granddaughter. They will be up here for Christmas. She is now thirty five and doing well, a very sweet daughter too.

    Her drugs of choice had been cocaine and meth. And ADHD drugs crushed with a pillcrusher and snorted alone or with coke. Yet she quit. In her case she did not need a rehab, but I believe that is very rare.

    Her life now is very good and we are very close. And I was tough on her.

    Anyone that takes drugs simply because he is upset about a girl has no coping skills or restraint and desperately needs rehab. I am sorry.

    Love and light and prayers!
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  10. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    We got the motel as a Christmas gift. Hoping he will sleep and tomorrow wake up and go to a sober living. He knows how to locate a house. He has been in three different homes. He knows there is rehab for homeless or low income he has reached to several in the state. His issues is he dont follow through things...life rules.
    Since he was 18 he started smoking weed with friends and wanted to come home to isolate in his room or in the yard. I know this now he wants to be home to do what he wants in his room. As like he did when he was a minor. No worries no Bill's to pay. I was in a fog and enabled him nearly to death. And I it terrifies me to no end how he can manipulate me to see what I want to see and just ignore the signs. He dont know the new mom the mom who set boundaries and gas open my eyes and to trust my gut when I know he is not right.
    What can I do? Allow him to be safe in the comfort of my home being sober to relapse to being sober to relapse over and over like a broken record?
    Yes I worry less and sleep better when hes here safe and warm. But what is he doing when I'm not looking? Drinking, pot, dope, heroin? Is it okay to allow him to keep playing this same old record under my roof? I have guilt yes I do. Do I want him here no I don't. Do I keep pleading him to go to rehab when he denies. Do I put him out of my life if he refuses treatment? I have no clue what to do. Nothing. I'm tired. I want to live life be happy not worry if he is in the room with a needle. Dying or fading away to Lala land. Do I help with shelter? Theres so many questions and I have no one face to face who gets this kind of crisis. I come here to find help answers.
     
  11. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    joysheph, How old is your son?
    Can you and your hubby decide on a plan together and stick to it?
    I agree with SWOT. I wouldn't enable him. Living under your roof, doing drugs, not working, being a leech. No.
    You said he has been in sober living. So if you say "No you can't stay here. We are not paying for hotel. You need to take care of yourself. You are only welcome here when you are clean . period." Maybe he needs to sleep under a bridge and be uncomfortable for a few nights, and maybe he will realize clean is easier?" Like SWOT said, here daughter realized doing drugs was too darn hard.
     
  12. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My husband and I decided we have to stick to the boundaries under any circumstances. Even if it leads to him breaking in again and us calling the cops. We dread this but we have a feeling it is going to be happening in our future. Because it has always been that. He owes money for trespassing and refusing to leave.
    Yes I totally agree with sleeping under a bridge. Hes has been homeless for several years and he admits that he dont want that. We only agreed to a one night hotel really just to get him to leave in peace without a knock out feaud. I know he wont buy a room with his paycheck and waste that money.
    I'm hoping he will reach out to a sober living house and get a emergency move in. He knows how to do that cause he is great at manipulating. I'm praying that the fear of being out on the streets again he will finish through and go to sober living again.
     
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My daughter was doing drugs and sneaking out as we slept, thinking she was safe. She jimmied her window and ran around with druggies at night. She was NOT safe in our home. She was high in our home and out in the streets when we thought she was sleeping.

    At age 19, after she batted her eyes and convinced us she was now clean (we thougjt all she did was pot anyway), we took a two day vacation with our littles to a swim hotel and proved our trust in her by letting her stay home to care for our dogs.

    The littles got bored so we ended up coming home early. Guess what we found? Our 19 year old beautiful, smart daughter was having a pill party in our home with many scary looking teens lying around with red eyes.

    We called the cops and told Daughter she had to leave. The littles were scared and crying and enough was enough. She was very lucky that her grumpy brother agreed to drive to Wisconsin, take her to his house in Illinois, and give her his basement. But she had to work, pay rent, cook and clean for him and his roommates. He is a straight arrow. One cigarette, he told her, in his house and she would be homeless. And she was not into being homeless. She listened.

    By 20 she was the manager of a Subway where she worked and had a boyfriend who helped her kick meth and coke and she is still with him. I don't like everything about him but for that I will always be greatful.

    My daughter and I are very close in spite of being told to leave. She grew up and never lived with us again and they support themselves.

    This method doesnt work for all but it did for us. And we had NO idea how unsafe our daughter was in OUR home. She told all after she quit. My jaw hit the floor. We thought she had a warm bed and she was actually out with druggies getting high on the streets at night. Real safe.

    You may think your son is safe when home and maybe he is. All I know is my daughter was not and neither were we because her scary "friends" could have done who knows what to us all.

    We cant save our adult kids, even at 19. Only they can. If they want to do dangerous stuff they will, whether they live with us or not. And put US in danger too and our other family members.

    I understand the worry. I worried about my daughter all the time. I cried buckets. But I was in therapy and Al Anon and knew I couldnt save her. She saved herself. She is one of my heroes. I have brave kids.

    Well, thats just my story. Maybe you gained some perspective. If you found it unhelpful, thats fine too.

    Love and light!
     
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    Last edited: Dec 17, 2018
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Many of us have done tough love and for many of us it didn't work. Or it takes years and years for it to work. It's tough to keep hitting the tough love. It is very hard work to go against what a mom normally does for her child. Very very hard work.

    My childhood friend's nephew just died from a heroin overdose a few months ago in his very own bed in his very own room. I had talked to his mom (my friend's younger sister; I grew up with the family living next door) about NOT getting him out of jail time and time again and NOT letting him live there. Yes it's hard. I had my own struggles and tried my very best to tell her she was enabling him. She knew my son was struggling with pills. She wanted my help. She wanted my advice. But she didn't take it. It was too hard.

    Now he's gone. It doesn't matter anymore that she really didn't get what I was saying. It was easier to not kick him out and she felt less guilty by not letting him sit in jail.

    That could have been my son. I am thankful to God that I had the strength not to enable him to death.
     
  15. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Maybe if he hadn't gone to the party, he wouldn't have used. One of the hardest parts of staying clean is changing your friends and accepting that there are certain places you can't go anymore.
     
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    The main thing is to find ways to live your life and take care of yourself.....a parents alanon group can be really helpful. I know for me it has been a lifesaver. I hope after this one night motel stay that you dont let him come back to your house..... it sounds like you need some peace and quiet without him there. I know we have come to the clear conclusion that our son can never live with us again. It is way too hard on us.... for many reasons. The drug use is one big one.... but to be honest I am not sure I would want him living with us even if he was sober.
     
  17. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Yes it is one of my worse fear is him dead in his room. Absolutely.I can't love him to death. I've read that time and time again. I rehearsed it daily so I will be ready. I am listening and I am sticking to my plan my boundaries.
    If tough love doesn't work than what will?Tough love is all I got to give now. I wish i was the type of mom who could change my lifestyle for my son but I just can't. I work, pay Bill's, clean my house myself, I socialize with friends. I cant be the helicopter mom where my world is surrounded to his and nothing more. I cant drag him to a meeting and hold his hand and demand he participate.
    My youngest son said when he got home tonight he seen my oldest son in his car parked on the curb of the house. Ridiculous how he wont go do something.
    As long as I'm safe in my home is all I got for now.
    I think I've found a few al anon meetings near me. I'm hoping I can get into one before I lose my cool
    Thanks everyone for the posts I sure do need it.
    Joysheph
     
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  18. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Selfish person. He wants his brother to see him there. Well maybe that is good. Younger brother knows you won't put up with bull and lead a better life than older brother. and maybe older brother seeing younger will give him some incentive to be better?
    More hugs and prayers for you and yours.
     
  19. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Yes my youngest son went to college getting a degree in ministry. He wants to be a youth pastor. He is involved in church and loves God. He uplifts me to no end.
     
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  20. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I think we all wonder if we are doing the right thing i am struggling with that right now as i just posted. Many have said let go and let God and i hope we ( if you believe) can do that. I will pray for both of us either way.