The Kids Best friend

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BTBear52, Jan 11, 2011.

  1. BTBear52

    BTBear52 Guest

    Background info:
    I am in charge of an 11 y.o. down syndrome boy who tends to be ODD with violent behavior. I cared for him from ages 8 to his 10th BD, then left. Now I am back , upon request,and he has regressed since, extremely so. He has an IQ of 75 and can be very sharp and clever, manipulating. His mother died 4 mos before I took charge in 2007. He has, mostly, grieved and that constant, underlying angry, is mostly gone. I mentioned his mother the other day and I watched him transfer his sadness onto the dog, like the dog was sad and needed help, crying while saying he would help the dog.

    The Problem: Since I have been gone, he has lost every person as a friend due to his over controlling and violent behavior, except one, his best friend. His father will not let him hang with him because the Dad sees him as a little back stabber. This best friend is also, somewhat ODD. He controls himself with me.

    The Question:
    Do I get them back together? Will they just feed each others ODD or will my guy gain a sense of respect from us for reuniteing them, helping his ODD?

    I need some solid feedback, experiences with this would truly help.

    Thank You All
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    His best friend's Dad doesn't want him to see his son? That would have to be cleared before any "playdates" would be arranged. Would this dad be a good role model for him? Can you talk with the dad and see if he would partner with you to set boundaries for visitations of the boys? Would he be willing to supervise some of the times?

    If he is willing to give it a try, I would set up short visiting times. If everyone knows the end time ahead of time it will be easier to stop the activities. Don't be lulled into the "It is going so well, I will let him stay longer" feeling. Let the times end on the good notes.

    The boys are old enough to spell out some rules everytime they get together. "O.K., You both have 2 hours before friend has to leave. The rules are 1. No fighting 2. Be respectful of each other 3. Take turns ect., ect., ect. You know the areas they will struggle with most and set the boundaries up to control those things. Then, they must be supervised with lots of visual updates (go SEE what they are doing) and listening for any trouble.

    If the best friend's dad will not agree to let his son get together with this boy, check around to see if there is someone else you can set up structured times with. Who likes legos? Who likes tossing the ball around?

    Then, talk with this boy afterwards about how the time went. What did he like? Did it feel good to have a friend who shared and cooperated? Always point out the positive. He did a good job when he let his friend go first or wasn't that nice of your friend to let you choose first?
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    If I am reading this correctly, it is the boy with DS who's father will not allow his son to interact with another boy who has ODD ?? Well , if you are able to obtain permission from his Dad then you can start off slow and just keep your eye on things. What examples of backstabbing can you give? Good Luck !
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Yes, the more I thought about it, the more I figured it was the father of the child she is in charge of.

    I would still apply my advise but use the father of the child you are in charge of as a team player in setting up the times together. Is he a good role model for the boys to spend time with? Is he willing to toss the ball around? Maybe inviting the other boy's day for a day in the park or together take the boys on outings? A local car or boat show, a parade, ect?

    Does the father view the friendship as a way for the other kid to get information to take back to other kids so they can make fun of the boy?
  5. BTBear52

    BTBear52 Guest

    Thank you for your response.
    The boy I am in charge of, his father thinks the best friend is a back stabber. I have not asked for details yet. Before I left,I remember the two of them having some difficulties when at school, where the best friend was mean and our boy would come home expressing his hurt from it.

    And my main interest is, should they be brought together again and why or why not.

  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Personally, I would work with this boy more to help him with the ODD behaviour first, before putting him back with his friend.

    A book we recommend a lot here is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab a copy from the library. It really helps find a different way to look at ODD-type behaviours, and help them find a better way of managing their life. Give it a go with him, see if you can make social progress with him. Meanwhile you can expand his social exposure in other ways. Then, when he is a bit more capable, you could set up some controlled, time-limited play dates with the other boy.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Are you this boy's legal guardian?
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Are there organized play groups via the Developmental Delay local organization? Certainly it is valuable for a child to have contact outside of school with peers. I'm not sure exactly what your role is in the child's life but getting on the same page with the biodad would be my goal as a caregiver. Good luck. DDD
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    If the problems have continued (and they might have since the father is feeling as he does), I would not try to reunite them. You wouldn't want to enforce the idea that a best friend is someone who is mean to you and you come home from school feeling hurt.
  10. BTBear52

    BTBear52 Guest

    Thank You Andy