The smooth plane ride hitting turbulence - difficult child communication

[SeekingStrength]

Tanya mentioned on another thread about how things can be going along just fine, and from out of the blue, a communication with difficult child makes the plane shake. She said it better than that, but I certainly related.

A few of you may remember that I received an email around Christmas time from difficult child's girlfriend, with three photos attached....one of their Christmas tree, one of their stockings and one of difficult child and girlfriend. I was happy to see them and emailed back and thanked her.

sooo....I log into my account this AM and there are two emails from difficult child. One, sent about 1:30AM, was same old hateful stuff. Going through his litany of husband and my offenses. Nothing new. (He never mentions that he possibly did ANYthing wrong). He wrote that he does not know, nor does he care to know, if this was because of my mental illness or because I am just an a******. And, that he hopes, decades from now, we finally realize we lost a son just because we wanted to make a point.

The second email was written about 2:15AM. Said something like, Sorry, you didn't deserve some of that. I just don't appreciate correspondence with girlfriend happening behind my back. Hope you both have a good life from here on out. OK.

It took me until about noon to shake off the bad feelings. I am grateful to recognize the gaslighting. (Thank you, MWM and forum).

There's nothing new here. Those who know me on this forum have heard it alllll before. But, Tanya's analogy about turbulence on the plane and then we will return to a smooth flight was written the right day for me.

 

[dstc_99]

Nice of him to blame you for the communication when the girlfriend initiated it. If he weren't a difficult child I would say to email back and give him what for. BUT since he is a difficult child I say just laugh and drive on. Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with that every day?

I actually feel kind of sorry for the people our difficult child's decide to love/live with. They now have to put up with the manipulative crap that we did for years. It might take them just as many years as it did us to detach in a healthy way.

 

[TerryJ2]

ACK! What a nasty experience. I am so sorry.
Glad he wrote back afterward, though.
WTH is he doing up in the middle of the night besides grousing about you?
Isn't it weird how our difficult child's tear our hearts in two, and then say, "Oh, I didn't mean that," and we're just supposed to forget it?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh SS, I am so sorry. Those words are like arrows that hit us right in the heart. And, we're never prepared, all you did was open up your email and all of that toxicity came flying out at you. I know exactly what that feels like and unfortunately, I imagine many of us here do too. What a nasty guy he is!

Time moves on and as you said, the smooth ride will arrive soon........and in the meantime, go have a massage, or a manicure, that's what I do, I do something for ME and breathe deeply ............... and if I drank, I would have a vodka on the rocks!

For every rotten thing he does, make a deal with your husband to balance the bad vibes with a trip to the city, or a road trip, or a nice dinner out.........sort of bringing the balance of your lives back on to the positive.......

Hang in there SS, we get it.......it sucks.........but tomorrow is another brand new day, so leave this nonsense behind you and grab the day and go have some fun!

 

[SeekingStrength]

I love the input and great advice. I especially like getting in the habit of balancing the tirades with something fun for husband and me.

Happenstance? Our daughter called tonight to say there was a vm on her phone from an attorney - looking for difficult child. She called the # back and left a vm that she has not spoken to her brother in ten years.

This evening, husband and I attended a visitation and then out for dinner with our youngest son. Upon arriving home, guess what awaits us? Yep, a similar vm. We will ignore it....something about trouble with difficult child and a bank. Not about us, no need to respond.

Except, I feel certain it is all our fault in difficult child's mind. husband and I have laughed about it some, but not a "hahaha, this is hilarious" kind of laugh.

difficult child is probably trying to engage us after a year. It will not work.

Thanks, folks.

 

[Albatross]

I'm sorry, SS. The timing of all that with the attorney looking for him certainly does seem a little suspect, whatever that's about.

He got angry last time because husband benignly asked about him, and this time because you acknowledged the photos his girlfriend sent you? There's no point in even engaging in that, in my opinion. That can only lead to more poison directed your way. Yeah, go do something extra nice for the two of you!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am grateful to recognize the gaslighting.

It can save our lives, when we realize there are people who lie about what is real to hurt us, to break something inside us so we will do what they want.

Isn't that something.

One, sent about 1:30AM, was same old hateful stuff. Going through his litany of husband and my offenses.

I can't imagine why they focus with such intensity on the things they have convinced themselves we have done wrong. Even if we did those things, even if we had been those kinds of parents, there never seems to be a point of healing or letting go with our difficult child sons. They seem only to want to hurt us, like that is some kind of win for them. Could it be they turn the feelings outward, hating us because that is the way they really feel about themselves for where they have taken their lives?

I hope you say: "difficult child, you were raised better."

He wrote that he does not know, nor does he care to know, if this was because of my mental illness or because I am just an a******.

GASLIGHTING.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, DON'T ANYONE LIGHT A MATCH IN HERE, YOU WILL BLOW US ALL TO ....

We are so vulnerable to those we love.

And, that he hopes, decades from now, we finally realize we lost a son just because we wanted to make a point.

I am so sorry Seeking, but your son was lost to you long before you knew there was a point to be made.

He continues to threaten you with loss of himself.

He must hate himself very much, for where he has taken his life.

It would hurt you less if he was not aware of what he is doing to himself.

I feel as badly for difficult child son as I do for myself, when he says terrible things to me. (And boy, the things he says don't hold a candle to the things your son writes to you ~ OUCH.) What kind of man says those things to his mother? And we are talking about men, here. Only a man who hates himself.

That was my conclusion.

Both our sons know who they were raised to be.

Except, I feel certain it is all our fault in difficult child's mind. husband and I have laughed about it some, but not a "hahaha, this is hilarious" kind of laugh.

I think you can be very sure your difficult child focuses his feelings of guilt and disgust for himself onto you. Addiction is a trap. The addict's life falls apart, but more importantly, the fine, moral person within is destroyed.

It must be so shaming for him.

Other than to tell him so, you are powerless over the addiction that is destroying him.

I am so sorry.

In his deepest heart, your son does know right from wrong. Remember those old werewolf movies? Where Lon Chaney would be shot with a silver bullet and, as he lay dying, would change into his human state, all that hair disappearing and his tired, lined face appearing, instead?

That is how I see addiction for my own son. Even to the part about being taken by the full moon, and being powerless to stop it, however civilized and stable the time without a moon has been.

Perhaps that imagery can help you, too.

I am so sorry, Seeking.

It's such a lonely, shaming thing to hear our sons speak such terrible words against us, whatever their situations.

And the whole thing is so foolish. What do they expect us to do? Call them the worst names we can think of, back?

My son was not raised believing winning meant calling the worst names or making the most damning accusations. Neither, I am thinking, was yours.

Still, it hurts us so much to see it.

Cedar

 

[2much2recover]

Happenstance? Our daughter called tonight to say there was a vm on her phone from an attorney - looking for difficult child. She called the # back and left a vm that she has not spoken to her brother in ten years.

Just a quick "off topic" but just so you know: When you get a call like this do not return the call. That is what they want - a current phone number they can use to harass. If you ever "have to" deal with an attorney, always do it in writing - never over the phone unless you record the conversation. Even then you, by answering the phone and responding to the inquiry have given them a "valid" number. We could have had this happen to us, got a letter from an lawyer trying to collect on a debt that didn't belong to us. In the letter they stated they wanted us to call. We didn't because we knew we didn't owe the money they were demanding and once we called them - we would be open to harassment over the telephone. After doing a lot of research, figured out how to address this in a legal way, followed through and never heard another word from them.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh SS, I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of such ugliness. I too have been on the receiving end of private FB messages that were filled with so much hate and blame, followed by the "I'm sorry".
I've had the "Hope you and dad have a nice life while I suffer" lines too.

I'm glad my little airplane analogy helped.

You deserve some Ice Cream!! (or whatever treat you like)

((HUGS)) to you!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

How are you doing today SS? Has the turbulence passed?

 

[SeekingStrength]

The turbulence has not completely passed, but only because husband and I are awfullizing. What the heck has difficult child gotten himself into now? How will the next email from the girlfriend read? when she tries to rope us back in. (It won't work, by the way).

husband has said so many times, "The next chapter has not yet been written." I hate when he says that, but know it is true. I think he has the gift of discernment.

husband called his 92 yo dad today, as he does most days. father in law is in assisted living in New England. First words out of father in law's mouth were Is difficult child in trouble? So, that has husband and me wondering if New England relatives have been contacted by this attorney, collection agency, whomever. We are not asking.

As often as I post to others (or just think to myself), Wow, this difficult child drama just never goes away...when it blows up in our faces, I am just AAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!! He said he was through with us.

We are focusing on hunkering down and preparing & living. We are retired, but I took a 2 day/week job last fall. Because they asked, I worked four days this week and am working four days this week. We will plan a fun trip after this blankety-blank work (that is interfering with our fun) goes back to the sweet 2 days/week. (The extra pay will help fund the fun).

Thanks for the input & thoughts. husband and I are way, way better off than when I found this board. Course, I was a basket case so there was much room for improved thinking.

 

[Tanya M]

Wonderful that you are going to have some fun. Nothing like getting away for a little while.

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, glad to hear you're better. Time works.

I so understand the "awfullizing"...... fortunately that subsides too. Have you found that each time the turbulence occurs, you get back to the smooth ride a lot quicker? I have so little turbulence now, even when my difficult child's world intersects with mine in a negative way, I can get back to my balance point and my peacefulness pretty quickly.(I actively work on it too!)

Planning trips and the next get-a-way is something you and I both like to do and it really works wonders to get out from under whatever the present difficult child weirdness is, doesn't it? I love the planning, talking about it, the whole thing......

Have a wonderful trip SS.........enjoy every minute!