therapist Appointment Was A Waste of Time

[Bunny]

This seems to be happening alot lately. I take difficult child to therapist last night. He is fine when we are talking about something that he likes to talk about (how well he's doing in school is usually his favorite topic), but as soon as we shift to something that difficult child does not want to deal with or wants to avoid, it's a complete and total shut down. Won't answer. Leaves the office. Tells us that we are stupid for trying to talk about things with him that he doesn't want to talk about. He's right and everyone else is wrong and if we all would just learn that everyone's lives would be alot easier because then he would not have to blow up at everyone all the time. At usual, it's all my fault. If I just gave him everything that he wants, nothing would go wrong at home. UGH!!

How do you break them of this heightened sense of entitlement? Everything he wants should be his. He never has to say he's sorry and he's never wrong about anything. His favorite phrase is, "I'm right, your wrong. End of conversation!" He even told that to the therapist last nigt. If my opinion is different from his, he says that his opinion is not opinion, it's a FACT and his facts are the only ones that are right and the only ones worth listening to.

husband thinks that difficult child has gotten too confortable with the therapist and that is why he is showing him more of his true personality in the last year. I would have thought that since he had a good relationship with the therapist that he would be able to work with him better. Is it time to find a new one? The thought of that is SO overwhelming.

Pam

 

[HaoZi]

I would think this is exactly the behavior therapist needs to see (instead of just the nice side).

 

[TerryJ2]

Bunny, if I knew that answer to that, I'd be a genius!

And I agree with-HaoZi--that's exactly the behavior that therapist needs to see. If difficult child won't return to the ofc, then therapist should at least continue the dicussion with-you and give you ideas for how to handle the behavior.
If difficult child does return, therapist should thank him for returning, and then work the conversation to where difficult child will open up.
Our difficult child has clammed up, too, and twice has refused to go in. It's very interesting watching the therapist do his thing. I've learned a lot.

I hope you have a good therapist so that it truly isn't a wasted session. If the therapist says it's wasted, find another therapist.

 

[Bunny]

therapist did not agree with me that it was a wasted session. It just shows the therapist another side of difficult child that he really has never seen before. The truly defiant side that I'm not sure he has every really seen before. At least not like he saw it last night.

difficult child will be starting on Rsiperdal next week. I'm hoping that will help.

This is just one of those days where I think that things with difficult child are never going to get better.

Pam

 

[DaisyFace]

Pam--

One of the techniques that worked with my non-cooperative difficult child was this:

The first couple times difficult child wanted to leave the room because she didn't like the topic - we let her. We (husband and I) stayed and talked with the therapist.

The next time difficult child began to get uncomfortable in session - husband and I jumped up and announced that we were going to go out and get some air. difficult child got angry and said "No. I am going to leave because I don't wanna hear this stuff." The therapist replied "That's OK - but then I only get to hear your parents' side of things."

Well, difficult child definitely did not want that!

So she agreed to stay and talk while WE left the room.

Maybe something like that would work with your difficult child?

 

[Bunny]

Daisy, that is a good idea. I will bring it up to the therapist.

Thanks!

Pam

 

[CrazyinVA]

Does difficult child get some time to himself with the therapist, or are you always in there with him? Therapy for my youngest worked best when we had some together together in a session, and some time for her to be in there by herself. We tended to alternate, one week she might go in first and talk by herself for awhile before I joined her, and another we might go in together first, and then I'd leave and she got to talk alone. Other times I'd have some time alone with the therapist, as well. Perhaps your difficult child would be less likely to want to bolt if he knew he'd have time with the therapist to vent without you there?

 

[TerryJ2]

Great ideas here, Pam. I think this is going to work!

 

[Marguerite]

Explosive Child methods can work for the therapist too. It's a matter of going as close as possible to the uncomfortable topics, without driving difficult child out of the room. Backing off before it drives him out, then keeping up as much discomfort as difficult child will tolerate (they do tolerate more and more, gradually, over time). It does start off very slow, but often any progress is a bonus. But it also teaches difficult child that feeling uncomfortable is OK, it won't kill him.

Seriously - he sounds like he has major anxiety issues driving his reactions. Hopefully the risperdal will make a difference. Watch his weight though. Also watch the sleepiness. The risperdal dose can vary wildly, and not related to symptoms. difficult child 1, although much bigger physically than his baby brother, was only able to take about a quarter the dose and still had far more side effects.

Marg

 

[Andy]

Tdocs are paid to figure out which of their vast resources are needed to reach their clients. Now that your difficult child's therapist is actually seeing in real life (not just by you telling it) how difficult child gets, you can really start to work on the issues.

I so wanted to dial therapist's phone number Tuesday night while difficult child was melting down and on the verge of a rage just so therapist could listen to the recording the next morning. My difficult child so seldom behaves like this anymore and even when it was a common occurance, therapist never saw a bit of it. difficult child was more vocal this time, complaining about why people make life hard for him. Gave me things to include in my next report to therapist and psychiatrist. Feeling the world is against you is a big thing to address.

In my difficult child's appointments, therapist meets alone with difficult child for most of the session and calls me in at the end to go over things I need to know. I am certain that the details of what difficult child says to therapist is confidential. He has to know that he can say anything to therapist and I wouldn't need to know. It is a way for difficult child to talk to therapist without being worried about what I will think (just like there is a lot I don't say in sessions because I don't want difficult child to know some of my thoughts).

If your difficult child doesn't get alone time with therapist, maybe now is the time to start. therapist can also point you in the directions of reading materials to help understand some of what difficult child is going through.

I would think that therapist will change how difficult child is approached if one approach doesn't work. Maybe go slower in addressing a topic that difficult child is sensitive about.

I would suggest holding on to the therapist for awhile and perhaps asking to meet alone to discuss therapist's plan of action so that you are put to ease that there is one.

Remember, therapist is not emotionally attached and can approach the situation as a mediator between difficult child and whatever issue is going on at the moment.

 

[Bunny]

What usually happens when we go to the therapist is that we both go in and the therapist will ask how things have been since the last time we were there. He'll ask for examples of behavior that I am talking about so that he can ask difficult child about it. Then I leave difficult child alone with therapist so that they can talk about things. Sometimes if therapist feels that something has come up between them he will ask difficult child if he can talk to me about it when I come back in so that I can see things from difficult child's point of view. At the last visit, however, it didn't really go like that because difficult child stormed out of the office because he didn't like the behavior we were trying to address.

therapist feels that right now we have to get difficult child on the right medication before we will be able to really get down to the nitty gritty of why difficult child behaves the way that he does. What emotions are driving his tantrums? Why does he get so upset over small things? We are hoping that once we see how well he tolerates the Risperdal and it seems to take some effect on him that we will be able to get him to go further with the therapist. We are all one the same page at this point (husband and me, therapist, and psychiatrist) which is a good start, I think.

Pam

 

[Andy]

Having you all on the same page is excellent!

I often write up information on what has happened since the last appointment. Our appointments are about 2 months apart. difficult child will read through it on the way to the appointment or in the sitting room. When I first started this, he tore up the paper that is why I try to have an extra copy. He would get mad saying that he didn't want therapist to know that. I firmly told him that therapist is on board to help him and if we did not address ALL the issues (good and bad) than the appointments are not going to help anyone.

I wonder how your difficult child would react if you ask to talk to therapist alone to go over the issues and then have therapist meet with difficult child alone to discuss? It is sometimes hard to actually hear your mom tell someone about your inappropriate behaviors. Of all people, moms are suppose to uplift you and tell everyone what a good kid you are.

There are things and ways that I would like to inform therapist of something that I don't think is beneficial for difficult child to hear the details. I can't think of a specific example (hasn't happened for awhile) but do you ever have to think really hard about the best way of saying something within difficult child's hearing? Things like "I struggle with communications with a certain teacher. That person is horrid at returning my e-mails, ect." Negative things about someone that is not meant for difficult child to take back and use in anger when it is his turn to put down the person of the day (when his buddies are bad mouthing a teacher), "Yeah, my mom doesn't like that teacher. She says he/she is rude." Or the like!

I am also on the same page as therapist and psychiatrist. That is such a strong foundation in setting accomplishing goals!

It sounds like you are doing a great job in understanding what is going on and learning what steps are best for your difficult child.