Tired of stigma..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mof, Aug 5, 2017.

  1. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Hi,
    I really need to vent a bit, had a frustrating day yesterday. I am usually in the Substance forum, but I think this goes here.

    I have never posted about my other two children. I have identical twin boys almost 17. They have witnessed their older brothers choices and have had to endure his reputation..they are not Difficult Child children.

    One plays in a competition band, the other plays lacrosse..they value family, and have been very close to us this past year. We have been very honest about our boundaries with Brother and they have a first hand education on addiction..so this leads me to my Friday.

    I was prepping a pan of Lasagna, ( I dont know why that's relevant) when a parent and his son came to our door. We know this family, sons don't really hang with this friend hardly at all as they have different interests. He tells me he caught his son smoking pot..okkk, then says that hes not mad at my children but son says he got it from my twins? Um okkkkk, through their OLDER BROTHER!

    I will say that Thank God I work in Ministry, cause I almost lost my mind. Umm, mind racing, pill not going down. They havent set eyes on their brother since he left our home, ( a month) Kid says he asked for it and they got it and passed it to him...the holes in this story are huge gaps.

    Not the point..so we calmly test our children, they are clean ( duh), have never done drugs and are afraid of cigarettes. Their best friends brother was killed over a drug deal ( only murder ever in our town).

    So they have been thrown under the proverbial bus...I am mad as a wet hen! My twins are like "what the heck"?

    Here's my question..they prayed for this kid to get right and tell the truth, they are hurt. My husband does not feel we should go and tell the family that our kids are clean, boys father said they are not mad at our boys but his etc...etc..do we leave this? what if kid keeps using? do we let nature take its course???

    We did contact older son....different forum for that update..luv to you all, Thks
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I would most certainly have a sit down with your boys and this child. I would not let it slide. It is not fair to your boys. Nor would it be ok to allow this not to get away with his lie.
     
  3. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    Without a doubt I would let the father know that their son most certainly is lying to him about his drug use and his supplier, but then leave it at that. I can tell that you care, but this is not your problem to solve.

    I'm sorry that the stigma is following your boys. That truly sucks.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do your boys want you to pursue it? If it were me Id leave it up to them. They are nearly 18.

    I agree its not your problem. I would definitely tell the parents if he were using a heavy drug...pot is so widely used by even nice teens. I wouldnt get all worked up over pot, although I personally dont get the appeal of pot. But I dont get the appeal of drinking either and consider them close to the same thing. Pot will be legal everywhere soon. I dont think kids and young adults consider pot to have a stigma if it is used.
     
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I see your point, but the kid is lying. It is illegal here, if caught at school you are not allowed back, and sent to alternative school. Sadly, drugs are rampaid in our schools , typical I guess.

    Boys want to confront him on their own and be like , what the h....?

    They start junior year on Monday!
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mof, its illegal here too, but that doesnt mean its not widely used and that the younger genetations consider it like alcohol or better. Cant fight that. It will be legal.

    The school issue in my opinion is his parents issue. in my opinion let your boys deal with his lie. Kids lie about one another. There are two of them vs. him. They sound strong and capable of handling this. If it were me, I would put in in the boys hands if thats what they want. As much as you probably want to strangle the kid lol!

    Teens are embarrassed often when parents take up for them.
     
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  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Yes, they want to handle it and do not want a big deal made out of it, yes, I would like to strangle the kid. I also thought that perhaps the Dad trying to get info from son asked if he got it from us knowing the drug connection. So he took the easy way out.

    Still furious !!!!!!
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Your hubby is a very wise man, MOF.

    He knows that your boys are able to handle this, and SHOULD handle this on their own. He knows that these things happen in life, and figuring out how to handle them is a part of growing up into strong, confident men.

    Think of it this way....I know it is hard, but you can be thankful that your boys have this learning experience and that they will come through it stronger, more confident, greater character, more able to take care of themselves.

    I feel sad for the other young man who has lied, who is taking drugs, and who can't own up to his problems. He will be that much weaker, knowing that he lied about his friends. The damage is really to him, not your boys.

    You can be proud of your young men, who are stepping into adulthood and doing a very good job.

    Appl
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Apple, thank you for that. Makes me feel better.

    I'm taking it harder than they are!

    Your right, they got this....I hope:/

    ThAnks to all of you for helping me to keep it real!
     
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  10. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    I missed it that your boys wanted to handle this. Absolutely let them as long as THEY don't want to strangle the kid!
     
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Mof. I admire you, hub and twins. Yet I come to a different view. To me the issue is not stigma but scapegoating which can be vicious, dangerous and lasting.

    While your twins are fine young men you are still responsible. Which was your first instinct. I would explain to your twins (if their dad is of like mind) why you must as a family take a united stand.

    This dad is every bit the culprit. He knew. If there is one peep more I would go together to the principal.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Copa,

    Know what is even sadder? The fact that even the twins question how their older brother might have done it, but we know he didn't . That this road no one wanted to travel has made us trust nothing.

    See, twins are reserved and good friends, as in they truly understand loyalty to friendship. So I suppose it's hard as a parent to watch them betrayed. It's a part of life, people will hurt you over and over, it's part of nature.

    They seem to be fine, I truly don't know what they said to him, but you can bet that if it ever comes back around here something is gonna get put straight!

    Growing up is exhausting! But at least they are growing!!!
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh how I hear you I think things I never thought possible, fear, paranoia, gaslighting fueled doubt and I have no other kids. I feel for you and your twins PS Gret book title reminds me of the Road Less Traveled.
     
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